New here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
New here
Hey. I'm Paul. I'm an alcoholic.
I had quite a few years sober until last year when I relapsed. It took me eight months to stop again and get myself back into AA.
I'm a few days sober right now, have just started with a new sponsor and am trying to remember that I don't have the answers and that my way doesn't work. Trying to be open to suggestion, willing and teachable.
New to this site. Seems good from a quick look around the fora.
- Paul
I had quite a few years sober until last year when I relapsed. It took me eight months to stop again and get myself back into AA.
I'm a few days sober right now, have just started with a new sponsor and am trying to remember that I don't have the answers and that my way doesn't work. Trying to be open to suggestion, willing and teachable.
New to this site. Seems good from a quick look around the fora.
- Paul
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
It's good to have you join us, Paul! Once I came to SR, I knew I'd never have to feel alone again. That meant everything to me. I hope you'll find it helpful & encouraging - we care. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
So just going to ramble here for a bit.
Just spoke to my sponsor and told him, as honestly as I could, that my alcoholic voice was back, telling me to pick up. Phone call has just ended. It is still there.
I don't really get it. When I stopped drinking years ago, I don't remember having compulsions like this early on. Maybe I did and I just forgot. Maybe I'm a few years older and the recent long term relapse has strengthened my illness. I have no idea.
I'm ready and willing to do the work this time, to be open-minded about the steps and the literature in a way I wasn't before, to take sponsorship seriously etc but this stuff all takes time and I keep resetting my sober clock back to zero every time I pick up. I am on day four right now and I don't want to go back to day zero again, I don't want to get into fights with people on the internet tonight, I don't want to wake up with a hangover tomorrow, I don't want to go into a meeting tomorrow and tell people I have relapsed again.
I'm due to go pick someone up and get to a meeting in a couple of hours. I know this is the right thing to do. But my alcoholic voice is telling me to text them and say I am too tired due to blah blah and that I am going to get an early night, then go get a bottle. My AV is telling me we can keep it secret and that I don't need to tell anyone tomorrow.
Last time my AV told me this and I gave in, the next morning I knew that keeping it secret was insane and I immediately texted a bunch of AA people and told them, went to a lunchtime meeting and shared about the relapse and was completely honest about it. I know I will do the same tomorrow, regardless of what my AV is telling me right now about keeping it secret.
The idea of "celebrating" my first week in a meeting when I know it is lies is horrific. The idea of picking up a month chip when I know it is only three weeks (that is assuming the highly unlikely nay impossible idea that if I gave in tonight, it would be a one-off. Hah!) is so awful, I'm fairly sure I'd take that chip to the nearest liquor store.
Yet the voice remains. Actually, for me, it isn't really a voice. It feels more like a weight in my chest, in my heart really. A pulling sensation or a vacuum that only a drink is going to fill.
This is my second time around this block and I can confirm - it is much harder this time. Every thing I was ever told is true.
If you are reading this, have some sober time and are contemplating a relapse, don't. Hopefully I will read my last sentence back to myself too
Thank you for listening. Need to stop typing now and think for a bit.
Just spoke to my sponsor and told him, as honestly as I could, that my alcoholic voice was back, telling me to pick up. Phone call has just ended. It is still there.
I don't really get it. When I stopped drinking years ago, I don't remember having compulsions like this early on. Maybe I did and I just forgot. Maybe I'm a few years older and the recent long term relapse has strengthened my illness. I have no idea.
I'm ready and willing to do the work this time, to be open-minded about the steps and the literature in a way I wasn't before, to take sponsorship seriously etc but this stuff all takes time and I keep resetting my sober clock back to zero every time I pick up. I am on day four right now and I don't want to go back to day zero again, I don't want to get into fights with people on the internet tonight, I don't want to wake up with a hangover tomorrow, I don't want to go into a meeting tomorrow and tell people I have relapsed again.
I'm due to go pick someone up and get to a meeting in a couple of hours. I know this is the right thing to do. But my alcoholic voice is telling me to text them and say I am too tired due to blah blah and that I am going to get an early night, then go get a bottle. My AV is telling me we can keep it secret and that I don't need to tell anyone tomorrow.
Last time my AV told me this and I gave in, the next morning I knew that keeping it secret was insane and I immediately texted a bunch of AA people and told them, went to a lunchtime meeting and shared about the relapse and was completely honest about it. I know I will do the same tomorrow, regardless of what my AV is telling me right now about keeping it secret.
The idea of "celebrating" my first week in a meeting when I know it is lies is horrific. The idea of picking up a month chip when I know it is only three weeks (that is assuming the highly unlikely nay impossible idea that if I gave in tonight, it would be a one-off. Hah!) is so awful, I'm fairly sure I'd take that chip to the nearest liquor store.
Yet the voice remains. Actually, for me, it isn't really a voice. It feels more like a weight in my chest, in my heart really. A pulling sensation or a vacuum that only a drink is going to fill.
This is my second time around this block and I can confirm - it is much harder this time. Every thing I was ever told is true.
If you are reading this, have some sober time and are contemplating a relapse, don't. Hopefully I will read my last sentence back to myself too
Thank you for listening. Need to stop typing now and think for a bit.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
Welcome Paul/Aardvajk! Maybe you could try doing a few displacement activities like a movie or a walk or even boring stuff like household chores to take your mind off the AV. At least you have done it before so you know you can quit.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
We know the score... The first few days are just a white knuckle ride. You have to get through them before a period of 'normality' and then working on recovery begins.
Go for a LONG walk; have a bath; go to sleep - ANYTHING as opposed to drink.
I wish you strength.
Go for a LONG walk; have a bath; go to sleep - ANYTHING as opposed to drink.
I wish you strength.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
I found it much harder to get back my sobriety after being sober for 3 yrs. I clung to it like never before, & put myself in danger - even got a dui. I was happy being sober, so I don't know why I risked drinking again. I guess I needed further convincing that I couldn't touch a drop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
welcome aboard Aardvajk
I found that my alcoholism was progressive that voice in my head that had once been a whisper was now a roar instead - its great you're committing to silencing it for good.
It doesn't set the agenda - we do
see you around the boards
D
I found that my alcoholism was progressive that voice in my head that had once been a whisper was now a roar instead - its great you're committing to silencing it for good.
It doesn't set the agenda - we do
see you around the boards
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
Thank you everyone. It is great to have an online place to get support and identification 24/7.
I went out for a walk and ran into a couple of other people in recovery which was nice. Made it to the meeting, which was a very powerful one with a lot of reminders of where I will end up if I revert to daily drinking.
Got my head on the pillow sober and woke up this morning overwhelmed with gratitude and relief that I made it. I need to hang on to this morning feeling when the urges hit.
Every time I ride out a compulsion, it makes it easier to believe next time that it will pass. Took a few hours to ride out this time but I know that will get shorter each time.
I'm off to a lunchtime meeting in a few hours (UK time here). I'm fortunate that I can get to lunchtime meetings four days a week. I am up at 5am every day and have been finding it a struggle doing evening meetings then surviving on four or five hours sleep so I'm going to start getting some earlier nights while still making a meeting every day.
I went out for a walk and ran into a couple of other people in recovery which was nice. Made it to the meeting, which was a very powerful one with a lot of reminders of where I will end up if I revert to daily drinking.
Got my head on the pillow sober and woke up this morning overwhelmed with gratitude and relief that I made it. I need to hang on to this morning feeling when the urges hit.
Every time I ride out a compulsion, it makes it easier to believe next time that it will pass. Took a few hours to ride out this time but I know that will get shorter each time.
I'm off to a lunchtime meeting in a few hours (UK time here). I'm fortunate that I can get to lunchtime meetings four days a week. I am up at 5am every day and have been finding it a struggle doing evening meetings then surviving on four or five hours sleep so I'm going to start getting some earlier nights while still making a meeting every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hey Paul! Just wanted to chime in and send some support your way. I'm glad you made it through Tuesday when you were struggling a bit. Those first days are really difficult. I hope that things are getting easier for you now. Keep on posting! Stay on the sober bus with us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
Thanks everyone.
I'm at my "danger" time at the moment, 4pm in the UK but, without getting complacent, I have to say my compulsion is far less severe today than it has been for the last few days.
Went to a lovely meeting at lunchtime, a 10 year birthday for one of the old timers.
Just finished work and trying to decide what to do for the rest of the day. Bought myself a guitar last week so hoping to get back into that again.
I'll wake up with a week sober tomorrow if I get my head on the pillow tonight. That's going to feel good.
I'm at my "danger" time at the moment, 4pm in the UK but, without getting complacent, I have to say my compulsion is far less severe today than it has been for the last few days.
Went to a lovely meeting at lunchtime, a 10 year birthday for one of the old timers.
Just finished work and trying to decide what to do for the rest of the day. Bought myself a guitar last week so hoping to get back into that again.
I'll wake up with a week sober tomorrow if I get my head on the pillow tonight. That's going to feel good.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
