Feeling broken.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2
Feeling broken.
I want to start out by saying I am new here. I don’t know where to turn for advice seeing as I don’t personally know anyone near me living through what I am.
My boyfriend and I met and started dating a year ago as of next month. I had begun a divorce from my narcissistic husband around that time and didn’t want to waste my time dating anyone. At my best friends house one night I ran into him and we hit it off. It felt just as one of those “you’ll find it when you’re not looking” situations. We have been inseparable since.
In the beginning it was a cloud 9 love. He treated me and showed me things that I have never experienced in my 29 years. Showed me a love I had always longed for. He was very honest with me which he said he’s never been with anyone. I was made aware right away that he was in a program and using suboxone due to a history of opioid abuse. Due to my past relationship and 2 children I had I felt I had no right to judge someone not being “perfect”.
He moved into my home fairly quickly and overtime the person he has told me he was prior started to unfold. He started first abusing his suboxone to the point he would run out and need to buy more from dealers he knew. Then I noticed a change. When confronting him he would get very defensive. Eventually he stopped going to treatment and admitted to buying Vicodin. I’ve pressed for him to work on getting off that path. I then discovered he would buy methadone when he couldn’t find Vicodin and OxyContin.
Talk about a roller coaster..
I have supported and loved this man through these demons he is battling and he has respected that for a long time. My main issue is that he is now becoming a monster to say the least. Back on buying suboxone from dealers after so many highs and lows mentally. All he wants to do anymore lately is ague over nothing at all most of the time. He gets very very angry and yells and screams and threatens to leave/gives ultimatums. He constantly says he’s going to break up with me and needs to be single. He tells me I don’t work enough hours and he’s paying all my bills. Which deep down he knows isn’t true. But the fact is the second he gets a paycheck $150-200 is gone in a matter of hours towards whatever drug of choice or synthetic opioid he can find. He then blames me. Makes me feel everything is my fault.
I have seen the man he can be and that man is loving, compassionate, and hard working. It is breaking my heart. I love him. We have a future planned. We have tried to have our own child. We have discussed marriage.. his family and I have grown so close and tell me all the time I am the only girlfriend their son of 32 years old has ever brought around to meet them all. And that they love me for supporting him as much as I have. I am just so hurt at this point. Terrified of losing the love of my life but also knowing it is not okay for the verbal and at times physical abuse he has shown.
Feeling lost.. what do I do? How can I help him? What suggestions are there to get him mentally stable and to see that the world isn’t as terrible as he feels it is right now.
My boyfriend and I met and started dating a year ago as of next month. I had begun a divorce from my narcissistic husband around that time and didn’t want to waste my time dating anyone. At my best friends house one night I ran into him and we hit it off. It felt just as one of those “you’ll find it when you’re not looking” situations. We have been inseparable since.
In the beginning it was a cloud 9 love. He treated me and showed me things that I have never experienced in my 29 years. Showed me a love I had always longed for. He was very honest with me which he said he’s never been with anyone. I was made aware right away that he was in a program and using suboxone due to a history of opioid abuse. Due to my past relationship and 2 children I had I felt I had no right to judge someone not being “perfect”.
He moved into my home fairly quickly and overtime the person he has told me he was prior started to unfold. He started first abusing his suboxone to the point he would run out and need to buy more from dealers he knew. Then I noticed a change. When confronting him he would get very defensive. Eventually he stopped going to treatment and admitted to buying Vicodin. I’ve pressed for him to work on getting off that path. I then discovered he would buy methadone when he couldn’t find Vicodin and OxyContin.
Talk about a roller coaster..
I have supported and loved this man through these demons he is battling and he has respected that for a long time. My main issue is that he is now becoming a monster to say the least. Back on buying suboxone from dealers after so many highs and lows mentally. All he wants to do anymore lately is ague over nothing at all most of the time. He gets very very angry and yells and screams and threatens to leave/gives ultimatums. He constantly says he’s going to break up with me and needs to be single. He tells me I don’t work enough hours and he’s paying all my bills. Which deep down he knows isn’t true. But the fact is the second he gets a paycheck $150-200 is gone in a matter of hours towards whatever drug of choice or synthetic opioid he can find. He then blames me. Makes me feel everything is my fault.
I have seen the man he can be and that man is loving, compassionate, and hard working. It is breaking my heart. I love him. We have a future planned. We have tried to have our own child. We have discussed marriage.. his family and I have grown so close and tell me all the time I am the only girlfriend their son of 32 years old has ever brought around to meet them all. And that they love me for supporting him as much as I have. I am just so hurt at this point. Terrified of losing the love of my life but also knowing it is not okay for the verbal and at times physical abuse he has shown.
Feeling lost.. what do I do? How can I help him? What suggestions are there to get him mentally stable and to see that the world isn’t as terrible as he feels it is right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
arenee, I am so sorry for this painful situation you're in.
Above all else: please, please do NOT get pregnant from this man!
Are your children safe? I'm sorry to be blunt but it does not sound like they, or you are:
This is in no way acceptable. I know you want to help him but you can't. Change has to come from his actions - not words -to change. Get him out of your home until/unless he makes a commitment to true recovery for two years minimum. Sober, working a program, mentally stable as you say. You can't do this for him. He can get there , people do, but not without a lot of time and hard work.
Keep posting, there are lots of people here who care and who are now, or have been in your shoes. You're not alone. God bless.
Above all else: please, please do NOT get pregnant from this man!
Are your children safe? I'm sorry to be blunt but it does not sound like they, or you are:
knowing it is not okay for the verbal and at times physical abuse he has shown.
Keep posting, there are lots of people here who care and who are now, or have been in your shoes. You're not alone. God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m not sure what his problem is. He was never like this before with the exception of some emotional meltdowns. He’s never had to be an adult before. He always lived at home. So now he has a mortgage and other bills to contribute to and has to work a full time job. Lately he blames me for EVERYTHING. I tell him the things he blames me for are not my fault. He says he isn’t happy unless he’s high.
As far as my children’s safety he has never done anything to harm them. As far as myself our bad arguments go on behind closed doors when he goes on an anger binge. He has never hit me but he has pushed me a few times which worries me that it could eventually escalate to that. He has no history of physical abuse that I’m aware of but does have a history of fighting other guys when he was younger.
I’ve asked him to look into counseling in an addiction facility he seems to not be very interested. I’ve come to the realization months ago that nobody can help him but himself. The longest he has stayed clean out of our 1 year relationship is about 4 weeks.
It really sucks to put so much energy and time into someone with addiction. It’s very draining. Also I’m finding it hard to set boundaries and think clearly due to loving him as much as I do.
As far as my children’s safety he has never done anything to harm them. As far as myself our bad arguments go on behind closed doors when he goes on an anger binge. He has never hit me but he has pushed me a few times which worries me that it could eventually escalate to that. He has no history of physical abuse that I’m aware of but does have a history of fighting other guys when he was younger.
I’ve asked him to look into counseling in an addiction facility he seems to not be very interested. I’ve come to the realization months ago that nobody can help him but himself. The longest he has stayed clean out of our 1 year relationship is about 4 weeks.
It really sucks to put so much energy and time into someone with addiction. It’s very draining. Also I’m finding it hard to set boundaries and think clearly due to loving him as much as I do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
arenee, these are not red flags, these are red blaring sirens and flashing lights going off a mile a minute.
1. He's only happy when he's high
2. He's never lived as an adult at age 43?? Good Lord, even without the drugs that's a big problem.
3. He's pushed you. Unchecked, this will escalate. Odds are he was violent with past girlfriends and hasn't told you but no need to ferret it out, he's already pushing you. He *will* hit you or worse. Read around this forum. Over and over you see women saying "he never hit me....until he did". I also had that experience.
4. The longest he's stayed sober in the past year is 4 weeks.
5. He blames you for everything.
All of this will get worse as he shows no interest in addressing his addiction or his violence - which are two different issues btw, although the drug use can exacerbate violent tendencies.
Reach out to a domestic abuse hotline. They are professionals. You can speak anonymously.
I know you love him, you've seen good in him, we've all seen that in addicts or we wouldn't be there. But you are not safe and he is not relationship material, not in active addiction. Thank God he has not acted out against your children but he is an active addict with violent tendencies and anything could happen. He could push you down, you hit your head and pass out (or worse) and then what happens to your kids? Sorry, I don't mean to be melodramatic but please don't take chances.
Let him deal with his problems (if he cares to) without being in your home.
1. He's only happy when he's high
2. He's never lived as an adult at age 43?? Good Lord, even without the drugs that's a big problem.
3. He's pushed you. Unchecked, this will escalate. Odds are he was violent with past girlfriends and hasn't told you but no need to ferret it out, he's already pushing you. He *will* hit you or worse. Read around this forum. Over and over you see women saying "he never hit me....until he did". I also had that experience.
4. The longest he's stayed sober in the past year is 4 weeks.
5. He blames you for everything.
All of this will get worse as he shows no interest in addressing his addiction or his violence - which are two different issues btw, although the drug use can exacerbate violent tendencies.
Reach out to a domestic abuse hotline. They are professionals. You can speak anonymously.
I know you love him, you've seen good in him, we've all seen that in addicts or we wouldn't be there. But you are not safe and he is not relationship material, not in active addiction. Thank God he has not acted out against your children but he is an active addict with violent tendencies and anything could happen. He could push you down, you hit your head and pass out (or worse) and then what happens to your kids? Sorry, I don't mean to be melodramatic but please don't take chances.
Let him deal with his problems (if he cares to) without being in your home.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Arenee
Please read the sticky "What Addicts Do" on the front page of this forum at the top - it may help.
My addict (niece) is always honest enough to hook me into thinking she is getting better, but she never does. It is just one way she manipulates me. Maybe consider getting the book "Smoke and Mirrors" by Dorothy England - it describes the many manipulative ploys addicts use - it helped me realize all the things I was falling for.
I think the thing that is hardest for most of us codependents is that we just can't get our mind around the fact that addicts prefer their drug to everything else--everything else. We just keep trying and trying to explain to them how they are hurting themselves. 53500 gives good advice... Simple, effective, and yet very difficult for us codependents to do.
Maybe consider going to some NarAnon meetings and keep posting. Based on what you have written, this isn't likely to get better and the best you can do is take steps to take care of yourself and your children.
Prayers...
Please read the sticky "What Addicts Do" on the front page of this forum at the top - it may help.
My addict (niece) is always honest enough to hook me into thinking she is getting better, but she never does. It is just one way she manipulates me. Maybe consider getting the book "Smoke and Mirrors" by Dorothy England - it describes the many manipulative ploys addicts use - it helped me realize all the things I was falling for.
I think the thing that is hardest for most of us codependents is that we just can't get our mind around the fact that addicts prefer their drug to everything else--everything else. We just keep trying and trying to explain to them how they are hurting themselves. 53500 gives good advice... Simple, effective, and yet very difficult for us codependents to do.
Maybe consider going to some NarAnon meetings and keep posting. Based on what you have written, this isn't likely to get better and the best you can do is take steps to take care of yourself and your children.
Prayers...
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