New Boyfriend: Red Flags?

Old 09-07-2018, 09:56 PM
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New Boyfriend: Red Flags?

It's been over a year since I ended a ten-year relationship with my AXBF and the father of my child. He is no longer in my life or my daughter's. I've started dating again, but nothing very serious until recently.

This new guy and I have been on seven dates. There are many qualities I like about him on paper, but I've noticed that he drinks frequently although not heavily. For example, he'll have a beer or two after work several times a week. I found this noteworthy, especially how it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, but I figured I'd just see what happens. Then, this past weekend there were red flags flying all over the place, and I don't trust myself to make sense of them objectively. So here I am. Asking you for help.

1. He drank half a beer at dinner and claimed that he didn't want to drink anymore that night. Then, three hours later he wanted to go to the grocery store to get a bottle of wine. He proceeded to have three glasses of wine and half of one of my beers over the course of, oh, about three or four hours. He was definitely intoxicated but not drunk, drunk.

2. We were playing a board game, and when I questioned one of his plays, he yelled, "Are you effing kidding me!?" He has since explained that away as it wasn't directed at me and I took it the wrong way because I'm, you know, a woman and, therefore, more sensitive than a man. *rolling my eyes*

3. He started criticizing the beer I was drinking and was ranting about millennials liking IPAs. Then, he talked about how spectacular his wine was and said that I didn't have the palate to appreciate it. This was not the only condescending thing he said.

4. He started ranting about his ex-girlfriends and categorizing them into "types" where each type had this list of great qualities with one big shortcoming. I mean, does he really think I'm amused by this conversation? He came across as very bitter. He said he wishes he had put his last ex in her place because she, apparently, belittled him all the time. I told him that if I've learned anything from being with an addict, it's that you can't control or change other people. He argued with me on this point for quite some time...

5. He constantly questions information I share with him even when I have sources to back up my points. I've told him this is very frustrating, but he continues to do it anyway. It's just a sign of disrespect, isn't it?

I guess my point is that I don't know if there is an alcohol problem here or not--or if it even matters or not. There is so much more that I'm not sharing because it's really a TMI kind of situation. I'm just really confused. He eventually apologized about most of it, but now he's saying he was "caught off guard" by my reactions to the things he said. It reminds me so much of AXBF who would totally admit to having a drinking problem one day and then downplay and minimize the next day.

All of the dates prior to this last one were perfectly fine, but now I'm questioning my judgment. Am I suffering from PTSD because of my ex? Or are these legitimate red flags?
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Old 09-07-2018, 10:14 PM
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I don't know if he has an alcohol problem, but he certainly isn't a very nice person. Alcohol could exacerbate his strong personality, but no one deserves to be looked down upon or told that they aren't sophisticated enough to enjoy a good wine or whatever.

I think you are smart to see these red flags and be concerned about them. You have only been on seven dates with him and these things are already coming out. I would definitely take a step back and consider if this guy is really what you want.
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Old 09-08-2018, 12:22 AM
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Originally Posted by SaveHer View Post
All of the dates prior to this last one were perfectly fine, but now I'm questioning my judgment. Am I suffering from PTSD because of my ex? Or are these legitimate red flags?
I'd say you are seeing the true colors showing through.

I would find ALL the behaviors you listed to be unacceptable in someone I was dating. If I were dating, I would expect to be treated with respect, kindness and honesty, and I don't see much of that in what you describe.

Trust what you've learned so far--this is only a taste of what you'd be signing up for. He's got his best foot forward right now, and things will likely get worse as time passes. Remember, dating is to learn about your potential partner. If the signs aren't good, then OUT THE DOOR w/him! And at only 7 dates in, you don't owe him a damn thing, in my book...

Just out of curiosity, the remark about millenials and what they like to drink--would I be correct in imagining this guy is significantly older than you?
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Old 09-08-2018, 12:58 AM
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"Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore"

They describe all their exes as "crazy."

Some relationships end so badly that we're still sour at an ex or two years down the line—but if your new partner spews vitriol at any and all of their "crazy" former lovers, it's a good clue that they are the problem.


They make you feel stupid.

The Worst People On The Planet are those who gleefully gaslight their partners (read: twisting the truth to make you doubt your sanity, memory or reality.) Other gross tactics include regularly mocking your ideas or refusing to take your opinion seriously because they're so convinced they can change your mind anyway that they assume they can just skip the whole "valuing your perspective" stuff.


Beyond red flags, emotional abuse is abuse and he seems to have shown plenty of that.

I really appreciate this quote:

"Abuse is abuse is abuse. It’s not just a flag. It’s a siren."

Abusers apologize to placate and control.

Beyond the question if his drinking bothers you, trust your gut. You're picking up on all sorts of signs here for a reason.
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Old 09-08-2018, 03:27 AM
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Run!!!!
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Old 09-08-2018, 03:53 AM
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I have been talking to my bestie about future relationships lol and I can tell you this dude would have been gone if I were dating him.
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Old 09-08-2018, 04:12 AM
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Run and never look back!
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Old 09-08-2018, 04:54 AM
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You're not suffering from PTSD. You're exercising common sense.

Any of these things would be deal-breakers for me. For a boyfriend, or even a friend. Even a boss.

All his exes are crazy? He has really poor life skills if he can't make better choices than that. My guy is divorced, and on okay terms with the ex and the women he dated between divorce and me. You know why? when he found out they weren't compatible, they gently and amicably parted ways, and didn't wait until the had a house and three kids together to make that decision. It's much easier to end a seven date relationship than a seven month relationship.
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Old 09-08-2018, 05:37 AM
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Sorry, you're asking the wrong question. The question should not be: do you think he has an alcohol problem? (This is what you were asking, right?) The question should be, "is this guy good for a mature, respectful, and loving relationship?"

Here are my thoughts: 1. does he have an alcohol problem? Maybe, maybe not. No idea. Who cares. That's his problem if he has one. If he has one, you should skedaddle. If he doesn't have one then he still has a problem that's worse than alcohol...

... he's abusive.

2. Is he relationship material? H3LL no. See above (he's abusive). You're 7 dates in and he's already belittling your opinions and showing you exactly how he would treat you if the relationship didn't work out (he'll call you "crazy").

You've only dated him seven times and this is the best he can act? Just walk away from this clown.

If you don't mind me saying, perhaps it is better to spend more quality time alone before dating again? 1 year is not long. You need to be able to trust yourself 100% before you jump into the shark pool. You may or may not have PTSD, but I think you should trust your intuition.
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Old 09-08-2018, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
Run!!!!
^^^^^THAT!

It will not get better.

And, exactly what Ophelia said very well. When I was the active alcoholic, I didn't deserve a good, stable person or relationship- and I didn't find or keep one with that kind of person!

I am absolutely certain you will be doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter to cut him out of your life. Especially when calls, texts or whatever start after you do that and his true colors show through even more.

Please do not keep going and end up in a place like I did where a restraining order and ultimately court were involved. I am not being over dramatic here- I have seen this happen to others too many times, and been there both as the chaos maker and the victim.
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Old 09-08-2018, 06:50 AM
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There are many qualities I like about him on paper,
Forget about the alcohol for a second. I'm not even sure if you like him if this is the best that you can say about him.

Give yourself permission to change your mind about someone. Also, it's absolutely OK to have your own deal killers. I'm married now, but if I was in the dating pool I know that I couldn't date someone who couldn't be on time. I could be friends with them, but I sure as hell wouldn't live with them. Does that make a control freak? Probably, but I'm perfectly willing to tolerate the criticism if it means that I get to live my life in peace.

So what's wrong with breaking up with someone that you're eh about?
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Old 09-08-2018, 07:02 AM
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My definition of “dating” is two people spending time together in order to determine if they are actually compatible, and can stand to be around each other for longer lengths of time without getting on each other’s last nerve.

So by the 7th date, you maybe getting a glimpse of who this person truly is.

Who wants to be around someone who belittles them? That is hurtful. . His condescending tone leads me to believe he has some insecurities . People who are secure do not put others down in an attempt to make themselves look better.

You have every right to address his demeaning words. A simple, please do not speak to me in that manner, it’s disrespectful. What you allow is what will continue.

In time more will be revealed, but only you can decide how much of your time you are willing to invest in this situation.

Personally, I would be moving on, mean people suck, mean people who get drunk and mouthy well, that is just unacceptable behavior, and I certainly have zero time for that nonsense.
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Old 09-08-2018, 07:55 AM
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Yep, leave this one by the curbside. Get on a fast horse away from trouble because if this is a new relationship, it will only go down hill fast. Cut your losses and say adios amigo. Being alone is better than this sort of treatment.
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Old 09-08-2018, 08:21 AM
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SaveHer…...you are seeing the tip of the iceberg.....
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Old 09-08-2018, 09:29 AM
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This isnt PTSD...this is your radar was off whack when you met him. Kick him to the kerb..move on. Best of luck next time!
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Old 09-08-2018, 09:30 AM
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I am 38 and he is 43, only about five years older than me and certainly not old enough to act as if he has infinitely more life experience than me.

I think one of the reasons for my confusion is that when AXBF would screw up, my heart would tell me to give him a second chance and my head would tell me to walk away. With this new guy, my head tells me to give him a second chance and my heart tells me to walk away. What I'm learning is that my head and my heart need to be on the same page.

I hadn't considered that all of this was abuse, but I can see it now--and I can see how this will only degenerate over time since he is, ostensibly, on his "best behavior" at the moment. I'm also now reminded of other red flags I had tucked away in my brain:

He never said all of his exes were "crazy," but he did tell me his most recent ex told him he was "mean." I figured she must have had some legitimate reason for saying that. He also told me that he didn't like how much the waiter was talking to us (read: talking to me) when we were out to dinner one night, saying "I don't get to see my girlfriend very often, so I want to spend my time talking to her, not someone else." I'm sure someone else would see this as flattering, but I thought it seemed jealous and possessive.

Ugh. I've been using an online dating website to meet people, and I have been extremely selective before I'll even meet someone in person. I just have to remember that the abusers/addicts/narcissists of the world put up a really good front, but all will be revealed.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:07 AM
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The head and heart being on the same page has caused me additional grief.

I have learned to base important life decisions on facts. I had to forget all the emotional arguments, that was just me delaying the inevitable.

Hope clouds observation . Rest In Peace Mike, your wise words still guide.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:09 AM
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Run. The disrespect alone is enough. You don't need that crap.

He has since explained that away as it wasn't directed at me and I took it the wrong way because I'm, you know, a woman and, therefore, more sensitive than a man.
Barf.

Dump him.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:13 AM
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I would have to say that internet dating doesnt allow for that "gut feeling" that we have when first meeting someone. Its well known that humans can make their mind up about someone from a few seconds of meeting them. Within that also is the fact that your head is doing the typing but your heart is saying "Run for the hills!" when you meet them so perhaps trying to put your heart and head on the same page is not something that is going to happen internet dating.

I would also perhaps say that because you questioned whether you had PTSD and didn't recognize that there are clear signs of abuse from this man...well perhaps that could all do exploring with a decent counsellor.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:42 AM
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I kind of get at where you are coming from here. To me you were focusing on the alcohol, and that is understandable. Are you afraid that you might be overly sensitive to people who drink but are not problem drinkers?

As an aside, Men can be **** bags without having an alcohol problems. He does sound mean to me
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