Kore

This week, my alcoholic addict friend who I was very close to told me he hates me and never wants to talk to me again. He even blamed me. It’s clear to me the reaction is a direct result of my being very verbally and emotionally upset by a relapse. I know I should have reacted with more empathetic support. I got emotional. Now I’ve lost my friend and he’s back in full active addiction.

I miss him. I’m also worried about him.

I can’t do anything about it. He hates me and doesn’t want to see or speak to me. It breaks my heart to witness someone who has so much to offer harm themselves.

This will be my first and only post. It isn’t even a question. It’s just a single safe place to leave this sadness.

Hechosedrugs

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Most of us experienced the same reactions from our addicted loved ones when we confronted them about their drug problems. I know you feel like this has everything to do with the way you approached the issue, but there are many of us who tried every possible way to speak to them gently and with love and compassion- and were met with the exact same response. Whether we begged, pleaded, gently nudged... an addict will want to keep using drugs and will push away anyone who stands in their way.

Be kind to yourself.

hopeful4

They do this to those who make them address what is actually happening. Addicts want to bury the problem, not address it.

He does not hate you, he hates what is happening. Yet addiction is always #1.

Big hugs and support to you.

Glenjo99

Been there. It sucks. My friend went through rehab though, and then distanced himself afterwards. Horrible.

pdm22

Yup, this is what addiction does, turns some people into hate spewing, hateful, self absorbed, a-holes. Not sure what your friend is on, but chances are, even if you were kind and compassionate, that could have been taken and used against you in some way too.. You could have been cut off no matter how you reacted. Your friend sounds like he’s active in his addiction and just wants to isolate, and isn’t even thinking about loved ones carrying the burden of worry, because he’s so self absorbed right now, he probably doesn’t give a s**t about anyone but himself and his substances of choice. Maybe he’s so sick in his alcohol/ substance abuse induced craziness that he’s also getting off on hurting others right now. Scary what substance abuse can do to people. It’s terrifying.

Not sure if you’re going to come back and read any of the responses, but I’m sorry you’re going through this. Best wishes to you.

Kore

I’m reading your responses. It’s helped me get through today’s melancholy. Thank you.

atalose

Sorry to hear you won't be back but I do hope venting has helped you in some way.

Caring about and loving an addict can be heartbreaking. Sorry your friend is active again and that you were the brunt of his outbursts. I do hope you can try and not take what he said to heart, most of them don’t even remember the hurtful things they say to loved ones.

Jadah

Kore,
Sharing your hurt, helped me. thank you. I'm not by myself.

Kore

I assume he really hates me and wants me to stay away but I find myself worrying so much. I keep thinking about things to say or ways to reach out and help. I’ve never turned away from a stranger in need and this is a person I truly care about. How can I do nothing? It’s such a helpless feeling. He doesn’t want my help. He pushed me away forcefully. I wish he knew people cared about him. I wish I knew what to do.

(This is more of the same vent.)

pdm22

I know, it’s very, very hard dealing with these behaviors. My long distance friend with substance abuse issues is like this too. Sometimes he says bizarre or mean things- I know he’s not well with whatever substance abuse state he puts himself in, pushes people away, and then ends up having to do damage control later.

I’ve been forcing myself to stay away from him and not contact him when he gets like that, it only makes it worse (or sometimes I get the no response- which I abhor) but like you, I also worry and hate that helpless feeling. It sucks, truly. Hope you get some news soon.

Ann

Sadly, what we wish and what they want and choose to do are often direct opposites. That's how addiction works.

He pushed you away and doesn't want your help. Believe that, he's telling you something important.

Like most of us here, there comes a time when we need to look at ourselves and ask ourselves why we continue to obsess about someone who doesn't want to change, who is not ours to change, and we do so at the expense of our own emotional, physical and often financial well being.

If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

For me, giving my son to God's care was how I was able to let go of the obsession of trying to save him. God could do for him what I could not.

I hope you can find your own peace with this.

Kore

My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to watch your child go through this.

I’m sure my friend’s family is distraught. But who knows, maybe they’ve let go and made their own peace with it already as he has struggled for years.

I’m really nobody in all of this. This is his fight. I hope he wins.

atalose

How do you know he doesn’t? Alcohol/addiction are just symptoms of a deeper issue where “feelings” are their enemy and the booze/drugs are the bullets that end those feelings.

Has he asked you for your help? Doesn’t sound like he has if he pushed you away. And any further attempts will only push him farther.
I wish I knew what to do.

Well as far as his addiction goes, no there is nothing at all you could say or do that is going to change that. But you can respect the fact that he doesn’t want your help as painful as that may be for you. As they say in Al-anon…..our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions. And how do we force solutions, by talking none stop to them about recovery, about seeking help. We use manipulation just like they do, we prey on their guilt just like they prey on ours. We try to reason, we try to love them better, sometimes we even form a gang to confront them (intervention) We try all kinds of ways to fix their behaviors and make them feel better. And when all our attempts do not work we feel frustrated, angry, disappointed in ourselves and helpless.

Sometimes all we can do is say a little pray for them and hope they eventually will make the choice to help themselves.

Troubledone

Kore

I hope you keep coming back. One way to gain the strength to let go is to hear other people's experiences and get support wherever you can.

I have struggled with my niece's addiction for 14 years, three rounds of treatment, incarceration for 2 big felonies. It took me a very long time to realize, that when they reach out, they need to reach out to their HP and work their program, because reaching out to me was always a manipulation to her from the consequences of her behavior (enabling).

Two people on this web site offered two bits of advice that made all the difference for me.

One was - work your program like you wish they would work theirs. That meant I took the 12 steps seriously and accepted my codependency as my own addiction. It really helped me separate what truly helps from my own addiction to fixing other people. In my fearless moral inventory I had to accept my own pride in wanting to run my neice's life and my own enabling that kept her stuck. But it also freed me once I asked my HP for help.

Another one was someone said - we are not the best solution for the addict - not even a good one.

That meant to me that my "help" - not being asked for or accepted, was just me wasting my time, my life energy and neglecting the life my HP meant for me to live in order to chase after someone who prefers drugs to real life.

There is help out there for your addict and for you. Maybe consider attending some Naranon meetings or such and take care of you - and if you can, trust your HP to provide help for your addict when and if he wants it. In 14 years I have seen miracles happen when my addict decided to stop running - even though she is now back in treatment for the third time.

Prayers you find peace,

Kore

Your responses have been so impactful.

I am incredibly sad. Now it’s less about him and more about me. I feel like my best friend died. It’s worse because I don’t really understand why I was so coldly discarded after giving so much. It’s just senseless and heartbreaking.

I think I am a codependent.

atalose

Because that’s what addicts do, it’s typical addict behaviors. Addiction in itself doesn’t make sense to those witnessing it. And at times doesn’t even make sense to the addict.

That’s hard to say and would take an in-depth and honest look at your behaviors in past relationships, really in all of your relationships. Lots of good books out there to read on this subject.

Ann

One of the best books ever written about codependency is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I wanted royalties when I read that book, she was writing about ME and my life...as it turns out, we codependents have a lot in common.

Please get a copy, most Libraries carry it, I promise you will be amazed at what you read and it really will help.

Glenjo99

Fantastic book. Its been my bible for last couple of months. Codependent here in recovery

Kore

I just wanted to update. My active addict friend seems to be doing worse. He’s out of control. He’s also reached out to me a couple times to tell me how much he hates me.

I am nothing short of heartbroken.

I’ve also gotten halfway through Codependent No More. It’s been helpful and resonated with me.

I have grief to deal with but in a way, it’s easier since he’s pushed me away so forcefully.