Help! What would you do?

Old 09-07-2018, 03:43 AM
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Help! What would you do?

I have shared custody of my 4 and 6 year old boys with XAH. He is required to use soberlink when with them but he is only mildly consistent with it and if he has had anything, comes up with all sorts of excuses as to why he can’t blow (lost it, cough syrup, you name it).

He was involved in a very scary accident yesterday. The kids were with me. I know he was drunk but there is no proof of that yet. Blood work was done at the hospital but it sounds like the police do not get that data until the prosecuter subpoenas it. He claims he only had one beer (eye roll).

He is supposed to get the kids today for the weekend. I hear he is out of the hospital but have not talked to him. The police did contact me as follow up to the accident yesterday and they had some disturbing details. I don’t want my kids going to him this weekend which means breaking the order.

I called Friend of the Court and they said there was nothing I could do but break the order. Worst case he could file a contempt of court compliant and I would have to explain myself in front of the judge. Which seems really easy. I think I am going to keep the kids.

Also, I think at this point I need to go back into court and ask for a custody change. I haven’t decided to what though? No overnights? Supervised only? Both? He hasn’t technically screwed up too bad with the kids. Just is clearlyyyy unstable and showing extreme lack of bad decision making.

Just need some input on how other folks have handled any similar situations. And words of encouragement because I’m exhausted. Thanks!
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Old 09-07-2018, 04:53 AM
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If the cops called you with disturbing facts about the accident, could you possibly get a police report to back you up for breaking the order. If I were you, I'd get that order modified to benefit those kids and you asap! Go for supervised visits n have his overnights terminated immediately. And if you can mandate him to undergo a court ordered alcohol test (You may have to pay this yourself) it could help you emensly in having the kids 24/7. When people fighting addiction are forced to set up supervised visits, they become overwhelmed n the kids don't seem worth the hassle it takes to follow through with all that work to see them n they actually take time away from the drinking/drug use.

I went through this with my granddaughter n her heroin addicted father. I took a 50% custody order off him and destroyed it with court ordered hair follicle drug testing that I paid for. He ended up calling my daughter in July n telling her that h e was done witb my 5 year old granddaughter because she was in the way of his lifestyle. She was upset because she needed help with school clothes. I told her, I'll buy them and wave goodbye to the turd! He did the best thing for her by walking away.
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Old 09-07-2018, 05:22 AM
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I would be calling my attorney for legal advice, and how to proceed.

Violating a court order, has its own consequences. You cannot protect your kids from a jail cell.

Can you get a copy of the police report Today?

Police sharing disturbing news with you regarding this matter, and then just drop the ball and walk away, that isn’t ok, how are you to protect your kids without their continued support?

Call your lawyer, best I can offer.
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Old 09-07-2018, 07:11 AM
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I would not send them and contact my attorney. Document, document, document. Most of the time it takes at least 5 business days to get a police report.
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Old 09-07-2018, 01:15 PM
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My lawyer told me that no court order is meant to place children in danger. If you believe based on what you know about the accident that your ex poses a danger to the kids, no one will fault you for keeping them with you.

If you have disturbing information from the police and no information from him, you have to make the best decision possible with the information available to you at the time. It sounds like that means keeping the kids with you.

If you want to pm me, I can share the supervision plan in my court order (basically a series of "steps" that ex has to complete in order to get less restricted time with Kid - if he fails SoberLink or has an "alcohol related incident", he falls back a "step").
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Old 09-08-2018, 02:31 PM
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I have a restraining order against my daughter's father. I also have full physical and legal custody of her with supervised visitation that he never uses. If it were any other way, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

I'm sure our situations are different, but FWIW, I would not leave the kids alone with him; I would contact an attorney immediately; and I would absolutely go back and fight for supervised visitation. His "excuses" for not using the soberlink indicates he is drinking. The accident indicates he is drinking and driving. It seems it's only a matter of time before he does both with the kids in the car. It's better to be safe than sorry.
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Old 09-09-2018, 08:14 AM
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Thanks Sasha!! I PMed you!!

Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
My lawyer told me that no court order is meant to place children in danger. If you believe based on what you know about the accident that your ex poses a danger to the kids, no one will fault you for keeping them with you.

If you have disturbing information from the police and no information from him, you have to make the best decision possible with the information available to you at the time. It sounds like that means keeping the kids with you.

If you want to pm me, I can share the supervision plan in my court order (basically a series of "steps" that ex has to complete in order to get less restricted time with Kid - if he fails SoberLink or has an "alcohol related incident", he falls back a "step").
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Old 09-09-2018, 10:54 AM
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I agree with everyone. Call your lawyer and request for supervised visits with no overnights. My boys visit their father during the day only every other weekend, no overnights with alot of stipulations added such as no alcohol intake 12 hours before and during visit, no alcohol present while kids are visiting, alcohol testing after 3 failed tests he will receive supervised visits etc. Do what you need to do to protect your kids. I would also withhold the visit from him but I would make sure that I have evidence to backup my decision to the judge (police report).
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Old 09-09-2018, 11:24 AM
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so did he even contact you about seeing the children this weekend since your first post??
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Old 09-09-2018, 07:58 PM
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Update!

I did contact my attorney and rushed to beat a deadline for a sooner hearing and got papers submitted filing a motion to change custody to supervised by my designee only.

I also didn’t turn the kids over Friday as required. He was madddddddd! I felt like jail break. I had notified the police though since I suspected he might call. He was threatening me with calling the police and tracking me down, etc.

It was my sons bday and his family had a party planned. I agreed to only turn them over if I had in writing from him and his family that his family would be in 100% attendance in a supervisory capacity until they were turned over to school/daycare Monday. And I would only turn them over to one of his family members.

After this crazy messed up accident that is all over the news, I still don’t have proof that he was under the influence. Apparently they did blood tests but it takes a while for it to get to the prosecuter and get subpoenaed.

I have several meetings tomorrow to continue follow up.

Sad thing is, I don’t think he learned anything from it. His words: “In my own free time I was involved in a horrible accident. That is absolutely not a choice I would have made if it were my time with the boys, and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with my parenting time with them either. What I choose to do on my own free time is quite frankly none of your concern and has no bearing or impact on me as a father.” He skipped any regret or remorse staged and went right to the anger and lashing out. According to him, me keeping the kids was “Your selfish actions in this case are not shielding or protecting them, but a calculated move on your part to cause as much distress to me as you are able to.”

Words of encouragement appreciated! This is going to be hell!
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Old 09-09-2018, 08:38 PM
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Not sure if this counts as "words of encouragement", but your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine. Even the "quite frankly" phrasing - I have learned that those words are a signal that whatever comes next is going to be a major quack/lie/deflection. And going straight to anger: "this problem is all YOUR doing, YOU are the one who is standing between me and my kids". No, dude, your habit of getting drunk and doing dangerous things is the issue. Who owns this problem?

I think people like this want it all - they want to be able to drink at will (which leads to things like car crashes) AND to have fun times with their kids. Anyone who says you can't have both - if you choose drinking you have to give up unrestricted parenting - makes them angry because you're getting between them and what they want. If you would just go away, they could have both!

Hang tough. You are organized and effective, you aren't letting this nonsense paralyze you. Supervised or monitored visits are the way to go. You are doing the right thing!
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Old 09-17-2018, 02:59 PM
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UPDATE!!

The court ordered overnights immediately suspended. He still has them 50% of the days but he has to give them back at night. Soberlink monitoring still applies. We go to trial in November.

What do I tell my kids?! Ages 4 and 7.
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Old 09-17-2018, 06:04 PM
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I would keep it as simple as possible, example, dad will be picking you up at 10 a.m and you will be returning home at 6 p.m, .( If they do not ask any additional questions you done., nothing else needs to be said) If they ask why they are not spending the night at dad’s I would try , it been decided that it’s best for you to be home at this time. I would follow it up with what will be going on when they get home. We will do pizza and movies, or we have to run errands, or whatever is current in your day to day world.

Do they know what alcoholism is? Do they know dad has a disease? Do they know that dad needs help with his disease? I have no idea what you have shared so far. I do not think it’s ever too young of age to talk about the dangers of drinking and driving, and not riding in a car with an intoxicated person, same concept as seat belts safety first. Buckle up.
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Old 09-17-2018, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
UPDATE!!

The court ordered overnights immediately suspended. He still has them 50% of the days but he has to give them back at night. Soberlink monitoring still applies. We go to trial in November.

What do I tell my kids?! Ages 4 and 7.
I don't think you need to tell them much. They're going to see dad but spend nights with you, because dad has some problems that he's working on. Sometimes he drinks too much alcohol, so the kids are going to sleep at your place while dad works on drinking less alcohol.
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Old 09-18-2018, 07:02 AM
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Yes, what Sasha just said! They are little, keep it very simple and make sure you reiterate over and over to them it's not because of them in any way.
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Old 09-18-2018, 01:00 PM
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Batchel, given everything, you may find the children relieved that they are home with you at night.
If your ex is white knuckling when he has the kids, he may not be the happiest person, and if he’s drinking, well, that is a whole nother bag of fish.
Good luck.
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Old 09-18-2018, 03:22 PM
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My kids came home crying last night because I “wouldn’t let them stay with Dad” and “now they can’t go camping anymore” and “now they have to sell the camper”, etc. I explained to them that dad is a little bit sick and we need to make sure that he is ok to take care of them. To my older son I also explained that we went to se a judge whose job it is to make sure that everyone is safe and he wanted the kids to sleep at moms house just to be sure they are safe. They got over it but uggghhhh.
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Old 09-18-2018, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
My kids came home crying last night because I “wouldn’t let them stay with Dad” and “now they can’t go camping anymore” and “now they have to sell the camper”, etc. I explained to them that dad is a little bit sick and we need to make sure that he is ok to take care of them. To my older son I also explained that we went to se a judge whose job it is to make sure that everyone is safe and he wanted the kids to sleep at moms house just to be sure they are safe. They got over it but uggghhhh.
"Now they have to sell the camper"?
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Old 09-18-2018, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
"Now they have to sell the camper"?
Yes isn't that sad. "Well your Mother has made it so you can't stay over so no more camping and we may as well sell the camper now since we can't use it"!

That's maddening batchel, I'm sorry he did that.
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Old 09-18-2018, 06:23 PM
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Ditto hopeful4
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