My Husband Entered Rehab - Update

Old 09-06-2018, 06:35 AM
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My Husband Entered Rehab - Update

I haven't signed on here in a while, but I did want to provide an update for those who are on here regularly and to give hope to newbies with loved ones addicted to alcohol.

My husband's been a heavy drinker for the past 10 years, and as it is a progressive disease, his drinking got really bad these past couple of years. He may have had stints of sobriety for 10-20 days, his longest being 59 days.

I found out in the beginning of July my husband had been having an emotional affair with a woman he'd had relations with in the 1 month we were apart in between the 6 years we dated and the 6 years now we've been married. They'd had sporadic "check-ins" with each other throughout the 6 years. I had no idea - in fact, some of you regulars may remember that he often was very paranoid, accusing me of sleeping with the meth-head neighbor 2 doors down, my brother in law, a fast food worker....just ridiculous people. (For the record, I have NEVER cheated on my husband in an emotional way or physical. I never even have one-on-one conversations or interactions with the opposite sex. Basically, if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing right there, DON'T DO IT.) Even past BFs that wanted to be my "friend" on FB were denied. Anyways, that was a wrecking ball to me, but he apologized, saying he was always drunk when he talked to her and that our marriage was bad. (Yes, our marriage WAS bad because of the drinking!) Her number has been blocked and I have taken precautionary steps to make sure there is no contact. I have full access to my husband's phone and phone records. Bottom line, though, and I know it, is that if I want our marriage to work (and I do, from the depths of my soul), I have to forgive him and trust him. He, in turn, has to be completely transparent. I am thankful she lives in a town 3.5 hours away and this was only an emotional affair.

Fast forward to about a month later. It was around 8 am on a Saturday and we were still asleep in bed. I heard something and felt a jerk and when I rolled over, my husband was foaming at the mouth and unresponsive. I called 911 and an ambulance came and we had to go to the hospital. My husband had suffered a seizure from alcohol withdrawal. Funny enough, he hadn't reduced his drinking. The only thing I could think of was that the previous day we'd gone to the zoo with our daughter and he did not imbibe during that time. That, coupled with a lack of water and heat probably was the cause. The doctor on duty was a Christian (as are we) and just flat-out told my husband that he was on the edge of a cliff with his body and that he needed to quit, and that through the power of Jesus Christ he could break his bondage and be free of alcohol. My husband quit drinking for 17 days.

It started with a certain client that likes to meet at a certain bar. I knew trouble was brewing when my husband agreed to meet him. Sure enough, he came home drunk. The next day, the same thing. He needed to meet another client to get some signatures....this time at a different bar. He came home drunk and bragging that two women were flirting with him at the bar. I was so mad - I gave him the finger and told him just what I thought. He took my finger and bit it, drawing blood! I freaked out. I called the police, who came out along with an ambulance. They wanted to arrest him, but I worked it out to where he could go to his parents' house instead. They have always thought I was the bad guy. That their son could do no wrong....well, they got a taste of their perfect son. He was drunk the whole time, rude, and a mess.

He finally admitted that he needed help and I arranged for him to meet with some counselors at an outpatient treatment facility that had been recommended to us. They insisted he do a medical detox because of the previous seizure. That freaked my husband out a little bit, because those places are a lot like jail - no belts, no clothing with drawstrings, no phones, no razors, no toiletries with alcohol like aftershave, etc. To his credit, he relinquished and checked himself in. He stayed for 5 days and he is now in intensive outpatient therapy for 3 hrs a day. He has also started to attend AA meetings.

For myself, I am in Biblical Counseling through my church, which I absolutely love and I see a therapist as well. The place my husband attends has a AlAnon-type meeting once a week that I intend to become involved in. Our daughter sees a Biblical Counselor as well as a psychologist and I intend on getting her in to Alateen. Things right now in our home are pretty peaceful. I have some emotional wounds that need healing, but I truly believe that they can be healed and things can be even better than ever.

I know I just wrote a book, and if you made it down this far, thank you for reading. It's been a long road and I (a) felt the need to just get it out and (b) I wanted to offer a look in the crystal ball for some of you that may be going through a similar situation. This is a progressive disease. It has 2 endings: death or recovery. I am praying for recovery in our family's situation and I pray for it for all of us who are affected by alcohol.

I am not just blue-skying my situation. I have seen a divorce lawyer to find out my rights. I am continuing my education in the event that I have to earn a living on my own. Be smart and take care of yourself! It's like being in an airplane - we have to put our oxygen masks on first before we can help others.
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Old 09-06-2018, 07:38 AM
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I am not just blue-skying my situation. I have seen a divorce lawyer to find out my rights. I am continuing my education in the event that I have to earn a living on my own. Be smart and take care of yourself! It's like being in an airplane - we have to put our oxygen masks on first before we can help others
.

Excellent!!!!
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Old 09-06-2018, 08:26 AM
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Hi LPS, thanks for the update, it sounds like a really rough time!

Glad to hear that you have reached out for so much support for you and you child.

A question. In all of this, what happens outside the "alcoholism" or does that become the center of the family?

Do you see an improvement in family life in general and in your life as well?
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Old 09-06-2018, 08:47 AM
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Trailmix, there is a lot going on outside of the alcoholism I did not mention in my "book". Right after the affair came to light, it also came to light that my ex husband/my daughter's biological father had been telling my daughter that he wanted to kill my husband and me. Actually, it was revealed to me that he'd told my daughter he would buy her poison to put in my coffee to kill me.

A *LOT* of other disturbing information has come out against bio dad .... so much so that we had to take measures to protect her, so legal stuff and my daughter's mental health have become the center of my life. All this came at the same time, so yes, it has been a REALLY rough time. I am still sane for the sole reason that I'm doing what I need to do for myself and my daughter, but also I am putting everything in God's hands and trusting Him.

Family life without alcohol has always been wonderful. That's why I get so upset about alcohol being part of the situation. When alcohol isn't present, work is excellent, we eat dinner together, we watch our little shows at night (I love HGTV), and my husband and I are intimate. When alcohol IS involved, work suffers, intimacy suffers, and there is a lot of resentment.

My life is what *I* make it. I'm learning that. I'm pretty proud of the therapy I'm receiving because I have social anxiety. It's kind of a big deal for me to go and talk to people and be out there in the mix. Most days I am perfectly content to stay home and be in my own space. Some days I get a wild hair and go shopping. Our church's fall classes just started and I signed up for a Wednesday night Bible Study with my husband as well as a Tuesday morning Women's Study. The Women's Study is going to be a challenge for me because of the social anxiety thing, but I am so tired of my life being hindered by something so silly that I'm just going to try and push through it. I'm what a lot of people would call an extroverted introvert. I can talk and be outspoken, but on the inside I'm secretly dying to just be alone in my own controlled environment.

My daughter is dealing with the issues with her bio dad as well as the new (to her) issues with our family....and then on top of that all the wonderful trials that come with being a teenager. She has a good head on her shoulders, though, and we are close, so I'm thankful for that.
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Old 09-06-2018, 09:13 AM
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I stopped believing my AH was going to stop drinking and get his crap together. I'm on Day 23 of the 90 day waiting period for Pennsylvania's non contested divorce waiting period. I'm over it. And he's in rehab right now because his job made him go. Never mind going to save your own damn life or our 7 year marriage.

You know... I wish my turd well. As soon as I get my divorce decree, I'm changing my number.
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Old 09-07-2018, 02:22 AM
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You sound strong, centered, and fully aware of your situation! That's great news! Prayers for you all
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Old 09-07-2018, 01:19 PM
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Wow, you have a lot on your plate! However it sounds like you are really working and making progress on a lot of fronts. Thank you for the update and please keeping checking back in!
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Old 09-07-2018, 04:36 PM
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Family life without alcohol has always been wonderful. That's why I get so upset about alcohol being part of the situation. When alcohol isn't present, work is excellent, we eat dinner together, we watch our little shows at night (I love HGTV), and my husband and I are intimate. When alcohol IS involved, work suffers, intimacy suffers, and there is a lot of resentment.

My life is what *I* make it. I'm learning that. I'm pretty proud of the therapy I'm receiving because I have social anxiety. It's kind of a big deal for me to go and talk to people and be out there in the mix. Most days I am perfectly content to stay home and be in my own space. Some days I get a wild hair and go shopping.

Our church's fall classes just started and I signed up for a Wednesday night Bible Study with my husband as well as a Tuesday morning Women's Study. The Women's Study is going to be a challenge for me because of the social anxiety thing, but I am so tired of my life being hindered by something so silly that I'm just going to try and push through it. I'm what a lot of people would call an extroverted introvert. I can talk and be outspoken, but on the inside I'm secretly dying to just be alone in my own controlled environment.
Thank you for sharing ! You have a lot going on and Im sorry there has been so much turmoil. But your post has very positive outlook in ways you are making strides forward to more peace and calm.

Several things I can relate to in your post. My husband actually did physically cheat on me when he was binging. It was a lot of hard work to recover from this, but I think Ive moved past it now BECAUSE not only did I work on my emotions, but we worked on the marriage together. Our marriage has always been good when alcohol and drugs were not in the mix. I think it helped us create a path forward when we were in crisis mode. We did individual, and family therapy, also got back into our church because we too are Christians. We talked to the pastor and also did counseling through him which was a very good experience for both of us. Thought Id mention it because I didn't think about it until my parents suggested it.

Hope all goes well for your family. Very scary what was going on with your daughter and her dad.
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Old 09-14-2018, 09:11 PM
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Sad to say my husband got drunk tonight. Very disappointed and hurt.....but not surprised. I felt it coming on today. Are any of you like that as well? Where you can feel it brewing? My husband was so nice and flirty today...but just in the pit of my stomach I knew he was going to come home drunk.
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Old 09-15-2018, 03:24 AM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Sad to say my husband got drunk tonight. Very disappointed and hurt.....but not surprised. I felt it coming on today. Are any of you like that as well? Where you can feel it brewing? My husband was so nice and flirty today...but just in the pit of my stomach I knew he was going to come home drunk.
I gotta tell ya, this is exactly why I'm not giving mine anotherr chance. For right now, I don't believe my husband can live a year completely sober.
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Old 09-15-2018, 04:35 AM
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So sorry LPS. I hope all your good work with yourself will help you through.
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Old 09-15-2018, 05:43 AM
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Keep taking care of you LPS!

Your H isn’t done. When I started to pull out of the drama, my H sometimes seemed a little confused to have lost his codependent audience. Then as I got wiser, I laid down consequences of a relapse. I was done with the cycle and the drama.

No matter what he chooses, you’ve chosen a path of self growth. Stay on your path.
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:16 AM
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, so legal stuff and my daughter's mental health have become the center of my life.

It that is true you need to decide if the situation now is good for her. I doubt it is. My exah did not change. He made the right noises. His "emotional affairs" were physical too. I believed all his bull until I got out of the situation and got some perspective. To this day.. 4 year post divorce.... I still have no idea really if he is drinking. He lies so well.
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Old 09-15-2018, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Sad to say my husband got drunk tonight. Very disappointed and hurt.....but not surprised. I felt it coming on today. Are any of you like that as well? Where you can feel it brewing? My husband was so nice and flirty today...but just in the pit of my stomach I knew he was going to come home drunk.
Yes I always knew. Often times I would want to believe his BS so bad I would try to convince myself my instincts were wrong. He would tell me they were.. I would chose to believe him... but the real me, deep inside, I always knew when he was about to drink, or had been drinking.

Trust your instincts. It doesn't mean you need to run for the hills, but you need to honor yourself by trusting yourself. I didn't and I ended up with a horrible anxiety disorder because of it.
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Old 09-15-2018, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Sad to say my husband got drunk tonight. Very disappointed and hurt.....but not surprised. I felt it coming on today. Are any of you like that as well? Where you can feel it brewing? My husband was so nice and flirty today...but just in the pit of my stomach I knew he was going to come home drunk.
I think this is pretty much a given for an active alcoholic. Has your Husband ever actually been in recovery?
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Old 09-15-2018, 02:37 PM
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So sorry 😐
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Old 09-29-2018, 09:10 AM
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Hi LovePeaceSushi,

How are you doing today?
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Old 09-30-2018, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
I haven't signed on here in a while, but I did want to provide an update for those who are on here regularly and to give hope to newbies with loved ones addicted to alcohol.

My husband's been a heavy drinker for the past 10 years, and as it is a progressive disease, his drinking got really bad these past couple of years. He may have had stints of sobriety for 10-20 days, his longest being 59 days.

I found out in the beginning of July my husband had been having an emotional affair with a woman he'd had relations with in the 1 month we were apart in between the 6 years we dated and the 6 years now we've been married. They'd had sporadic "check-ins" with each other throughout the 6 years. I had no idea - in fact, some of you regulars may remember that he often was very paranoid, accusing me of sleeping with the meth-head neighbor 2 doors down, my brother in law, a fast food worker....just ridiculous people. (For the record, I have NEVER cheated on my husband in an emotional way or physical. I never even have one-on-one conversations or interactions with the opposite sex. Basically, if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing right there, DON'T DO IT.) Even past BFs that wanted to be my "friend" on FB were denied. Anyways, that was a wrecking ball to me, but he apologized, saying he was always drunk when he talked to her and that our marriage was bad. (Yes, our marriage WAS bad because of the drinking!) Her number has been blocked and I have taken precautionary steps to make sure there is no contact. I have full access to my husband's phone and phone records. Bottom line, though, and I know it, is that if I want our marriage to work (and I do, from the depths of my soul), I have to forgive him and trust him. He, in turn, has to be completely transparent. I am thankful she lives in a town 3.5 hours away and this was only an emotional affair.

Fast forward to about a month later. It was around 8 am on a Saturday and we were still asleep in bed. I heard something and felt a jerk and when I rolled over, my husband was foaming at the mouth and unresponsive. I called 911 and an ambulance came and we had to go to the hospital. My husband had suffered a seizure from alcohol withdrawal. Funny enough, he hadn't reduced his drinking. The only thing I could think of was that the previous day we'd gone to the zoo with our daughter and he did not imbibe during that time. That, coupled with a lack of water and heat probably was the cause. The doctor on duty was a Christian (as are we) and just flat-out told my husband that he was on the edge of a cliff with his body and that he needed to quit, and that through the power of Jesus Christ he could break his bondage and be free of alcohol. My husband quit drinking for 17 days.

It started with a certain client that likes to meet at a certain bar. I knew trouble was brewing when my husband agreed to meet him. Sure enough, he came home drunk. The next day, the same thing. He needed to meet another client to get some signatures....this time at a different bar. He came home drunk and bragging that two women were flirting with him at the bar. I was so mad - I gave him the finger and told him just what I thought. He took my finger and bit it, drawing blood! I freaked out. I called the police, who came out along with an ambulance. They wanted to arrest him, but I worked it out to where he could go to his parents' house instead. They have always thought I was the bad guy. That their son could do no wrong....well, they got a taste of their perfect son. He was drunk the whole time, rude, and a mess.

He finally admitted that he needed help and I arranged for him to meet with some counselors at an outpatient treatment facility that had been recommended to us. They insisted he do a medical detox because of the previous seizure. That freaked my husband out a little bit, because those places are a lot like jail - no belts, no clothing with drawstrings, no phones, no razors, no toiletries with alcohol like aftershave, etc. To his credit, he relinquished and checked himself in. He stayed for 5 days and he is now in intensive outpatient therapy for 3 hrs a day. He has also started to attend AA meetings.

For myself, I am in Biblical Counseling through my church, which I absolutely love and I see a therapist as well. The place my husband attends has a AlAnon-type meeting once a week that I intend to become involved in. Our daughter sees a Biblical Counselor as well as a psychologist and I intend on getting her in to Alateen. Things right now in our home are pretty peaceful. I have some emotional wounds that need healing, but I truly believe that they can be healed and things can be even better than ever.

I know I just wrote a book, and if you made it down this far, thank you for reading. It's been a long road and I (a) felt the need to just get it out and (b) I wanted to offer a look in the crystal ball for some of you that may be going through a similar situation. This is a progressive disease. It has 2 endings: death or recovery. I am praying for recovery in our family's situation and I pray for it for all of us who are affected by alcohol.

I am not just blue-skying my situation. I have seen a divorce lawyer to find out my rights. I am continuing my education in the event that I have to earn a living on my own. Be smart and take care of yourself! It's like being in an airplane - we have to put our oxygen masks on first before we can help others.
After reading your post, it just seems like this relationship is forced. Seems like your husband doesn’t want to be in this marriage and is drinking to self medicate his unhappiness. Seems like it’s time for both of you to move on.
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Old 10-02-2018, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I think this is pretty much a given for an active alcoholic. Has your Husband ever actually been in recovery?
Not really....he's attended AA meetings before sporadically. (He even admitted in the therapy he's in now that once, during an AA meeting he actually believed he'd conquered the first 4 steps in the first 10 minutes he was there!) The most sobriety he's had in forever was 59 days last year. It was mostly a white-knuckle experience. Since that, the cycle is sobriety for 2 weeks and then a 2-3 month bender.

This is his first REAL recovery. 3 hrs. a day, 4 days/week....and he's encouraged (but not required) to go to an AA meeting every night.
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Old 10-02-2018, 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Hi LovePeaceSushi,

How are you doing today?
Mango,

Thank you for asking. Today I feel good. We had a family day yesterday at therapy and I was able to get some concerns and frustrations off my chest. Since AH has been home from the hospital (other post on that), he has recommitted to the treatment center and he's been sober. Life is always wonderful when he's sober. AH says the hospital experience was life changing and his absolute rock bottom. I am (as always) cautiously optimistic. I am daily just telling myself to give it to God because I can't control any of this. (As much as I'd love to!)
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