What if they did the best they could?
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What if they did the best they could?
Lightbulb moments are coming fast these past few weeks! For the past 3 years, and more so the past 6 months, I have been furious at the alcoholics in my family.
Today while driving home, that thought came to me....what if they (my mom and husband, I'm not even concerning myself with the others) did the best they could? They certainly didn't start drinking just to hurt their families. They ended up doing that, but what if that's the only way they knew how to cope?
My moms father was an abusive alcoholic. She became an alcoholic. I swore I'd never drink so I wouldn't become an alcoholic. I didn't, but I married one.
When we know better, we do better. Both got sober, that's what counts NOW. I can't unlearn the many things SR has taught me, so knowing better and doing better....that ball is in my court.
Their drinking was obviously not the right way to handle life's problems. They hurt themselves, and us. But right now, I am thinking deeply about both of them doing the best they could do, at that time in their lives.
Today while driving home, that thought came to me....what if they (my mom and husband, I'm not even concerning myself with the others) did the best they could? They certainly didn't start drinking just to hurt their families. They ended up doing that, but what if that's the only way they knew how to cope?
My moms father was an abusive alcoholic. She became an alcoholic. I swore I'd never drink so I wouldn't become an alcoholic. I didn't, but I married one.
When we know better, we do better. Both got sober, that's what counts NOW. I can't unlearn the many things SR has taught me, so knowing better and doing better....that ball is in my court.
Their drinking was obviously not the right way to handle life's problems. They hurt themselves, and us. But right now, I am thinking deeply about both of them doing the best they could do, at that time in their lives.
RIP Sweet Suki
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I have often felt this way. I think these thoughts come to us as we mature. I saw something a few years ago that stuck with me. It said...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you would like, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you would like, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
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Location: Adelaide, Australia
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You are showing maturity and compassion...we do not have to like what people do...and sometimes (perhaps) it is the best they think they can do- but we (perhaps) can see what they cannot. There is no doubt drinking makes any problem worse....especially as it is not just the abuser of booze who is hurt.
Only years after his death (from drinking at 41) can I understand my bro and my dad (also an alcie) better and with a little compassion. I once told my dad 'I love you Dad- but I do not like you '.
Support to you.
Only years after his death (from drinking at 41) can I understand my bro and my dad (also an alcie) better and with a little compassion. I once told my dad 'I love you Dad- but I do not like you '.
Support to you.
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I think you have a point about the A's feelings and efforts. The non-abusive A is often a pathetic creature who has a life-long struggle to stop drinking.
But time after time in this forum the A stops drinking when the partner leaves. Nothing else seems strong enough for them. Admittedly the sober period might not last very long, but they do seem to summon up the willpower when it's too late.
My sister is a GP and she tells me that many smokers give up the minute they're diagnosed with lung cancer, even through by then it usually makes no difference. She doesn't have much sympathy for the ones who say they can't stop because they're addicted.
For many partners of relatives of an A it comes down to self-care, no matter how much compassion they have for the struggle.
But time after time in this forum the A stops drinking when the partner leaves. Nothing else seems strong enough for them. Admittedly the sober period might not last very long, but they do seem to summon up the willpower when it's too late.
My sister is a GP and she tells me that many smokers give up the minute they're diagnosed with lung cancer, even through by then it usually makes no difference. She doesn't have much sympathy for the ones who say they can't stop because they're addicted.
For many partners of relatives of an A it comes down to self-care, no matter how much compassion they have for the struggle.
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I think that's a good way to look at it and I know that my parents did many things wrong but I am sure the reason was that they didn't know better or didn't see any alternatives.
This approach is helpful as long at people do change for the better as soon as they have the chance to learn how to deal with things differently. Which both my parents are (more or less successfully) trying to do.
My ex however did not want to change although his behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable and he did have access to therapy and everything. He didn't want to though, which I think in that case he did not do the best he could.
This approach is helpful as long at people do change for the better as soon as they have the chance to learn how to deal with things differently. Which both my parents are (more or less successfully) trying to do.
My ex however did not want to change although his behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable and he did have access to therapy and everything. He didn't want to though, which I think in that case he did not do the best he could.
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Here's a spiritual saying that helps me:
If they'd known better they would have done better
But since they didn't know better, they couldn't do better;
I bless and release them to their highest good.
Substitute "they" with he/she or........me
If they'd known better they would have done better
But since they didn't know better, they couldn't do better;
I bless and release them to their highest good.
Substitute "they" with he/she or........me
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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YES! This was a big AHA moment for me:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-they-can.html (What if everyone really is doing the Best that they can?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-they-can.html (What if everyone really is doing the Best that they can?)
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Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 
My ex however did not want to change although his behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable and he did have access to therapy and everything. He didn't want to though, which I think in that case he did not do the best he could.
The difference with a parent is you don't have to live with them! In fact I did live with my Father for a couple of years as an adult and it was totally crappy!! My focus was on avoiding him as much as possible (sober or drunk). He wasn't a horrible person when sober but nosy and advice giving and generally not fun to be around on a regular basis.
Doing the best they can is a good way of looking at it I think. That doesn't translate in to actually being able to be around them all the time and in many case being around them at all.
Your ex is powerless against alcohol. This is probably the best he can do. Did it help the relationship at all? No and it's not supposed to, it is however a way of standing back and looking at the person and saying, well, he/she is doing this the best they can.
Does not mean you need to engage with them or "take care" of them or anything like that, just that it's accepting them as they are, not as you would like them to be, or think they should be.
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Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
My ex however did not want to change although his behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable and he did have access to therapy and everything. He didn't want to though, which I think in that case he did not do the best he could.
It's hard to remove Judgment but that's (to my ear) what you're doing in this statement above.
"He didn't do his best according to MY expectations/method of judging it."
Doesn't mean it's not HIS best - just that it doesn't measure up to what YOUR expectations are, see?
If we're not living in someone else's skin/head - how do we KNOW what their best really is?
I honor myself when I accept that *my* Best changes day-to-day at times, where do I make that allowance for others? What's the baseline/starting point? Same for all or different? Based on what? How can I NOT use personal opinion/judgment in this process?
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This is something I still struggle with, and on a pretty regular basis. A few years ago, I would have said that no, I don't believe an awful lot of people are doing the best they can. Now? Well, I can begin to see how at least some of them are...
Thanks to all who posted for your thoughts; I appreciate them. For me, sometimes hearing something enough times, and hearing it presented in enough different ways, finally gets it to click.
Thanks to all who posted for your thoughts; I appreciate them. For me, sometimes hearing something enough times, and hearing it presented in enough different ways, finally gets it to click.
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Yes, I think sometimes "doing the best they can" to the outside world judging is interpreted as doing the "right" thing for them, for all (in society's opinion, in our opinion).
Those two things are not necessarily the same.
Those two things are not necessarily the same.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, I think sometimes "doing the best they can" to the outside world judging is interpreted as doing the "right" thing for them, for all (in society's opinion, in our opinion).
Those two things are not necessarily the same.
Those two things are not necessarily the same.
How do I KNOW what is "right" for someone else? Especially when I'm so lost in my own way?
Isn't that kind of arrogant? I know it seems like some stuff is a no-brainer....... but all kinds of stuff seems that way. People make horrid choices about their diet & health & personal care all the time. People "should" & "shouldn't" do all kinds of things.
How do I define someone else's "rock bottom"? How do I know what they have to experience in order to grow? How do I know what makes an impact & in what ways? Have you ever reacted completely different to a situation than you previously "thought" you would have & surprised yourself? Doesn't stuff like that show us that if we can't predict our own paths, we're wasting time decoding someone else's?
We always we have the choice to separate ourselves from what we find offensive. It's just always easy TO DO.
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I see your point. I think regarding alcohol or drug use, we do know what's right. Not being an addict. Maybe you're talking in a more general sense, like daily life?
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Outside of our children where we DO have a certain leadership role in this way, I had to force myself to take a mental step back to learn this - and REALLY think.....
How do I KNOW what is "right" for someone else? Especially when I'm so lost in my own way?
Isn't that kind of arrogant? I know it seems like some stuff is a no-brainer....... but all kinds of stuff seems that way. People make horrid choices about their diet & health & personal care all the time. People "should" & "shouldn't" do all kinds of things.
How do I define someone else's "rock bottom"? How do I know what they have to experience in order to grow? How do I know what makes an impact & in what ways? Have you ever reacted completely different to a situation than you previously "thought" you would have & surprised yourself? Doesn't stuff like that show us that if we can't predict our own paths, we're wasting time decoding someone else's?
We always we have the choice to separate ourselves from what we find offensive. It's just always easy TO DO.
How do I KNOW what is "right" for someone else? Especially when I'm so lost in my own way?
Isn't that kind of arrogant? I know it seems like some stuff is a no-brainer....... but all kinds of stuff seems that way. People make horrid choices about their diet & health & personal care all the time. People "should" & "shouldn't" do all kinds of things.
How do I define someone else's "rock bottom"? How do I know what they have to experience in order to grow? How do I know what makes an impact & in what ways? Have you ever reacted completely different to a situation than you previously "thought" you would have & surprised yourself? Doesn't stuff like that show us that if we can't predict our own paths, we're wasting time decoding someone else's?
We always we have the choice to separate ourselves from what we find offensive. It's just always easy TO DO.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I see your point. I think regarding alcohol or drug use, we do know what's right. Not being an addict. Maybe you're talking in a more general sense, like daily life?
ETA - I bumped an old thread you should read about this topic....
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I did some serious journaling when I was working on my fourth step—Al-Anon, not AA—and I wrote a lot about my family’s dynamics and my parents’ enabling of my addict sib.
Through journaling, I found insight, and I came to see that my parents were just doing the best they could at the time.
My younger sib had been a challenge since he was tiny. Pretty sure he had learning issues, and he was a willful kid. As a teacher, I became familiar with opposition disorder, a behavior where children find it difficult to take direction unless framed in a certain way.
Pretty sure he had that too. Still does, in fact.
My older sib and I were not tough to parent. We had friends, got good grades, few discipline issues.
So my sib had to be hard for them to parent. I think they did what they could, but, end of the day, they let him have his way on things.
And when he wanted something, he was relentless.
All this is by way of saying that, yes, sometimes we do the best we can at the time, but there are always, always opportunities to rise and affect change.
My sib has had numerous opportunities to reflect and change. My parents could have stood up and said ‘no’ to him more.
It’s within our grasp. Whether we act is up to us.
Through journaling, I found insight, and I came to see that my parents were just doing the best they could at the time.
My younger sib had been a challenge since he was tiny. Pretty sure he had learning issues, and he was a willful kid. As a teacher, I became familiar with opposition disorder, a behavior where children find it difficult to take direction unless framed in a certain way.
Pretty sure he had that too. Still does, in fact.
My older sib and I were not tough to parent. We had friends, got good grades, few discipline issues.
So my sib had to be hard for them to parent. I think they did what they could, but, end of the day, they let him have his way on things.
And when he wanted something, he was relentless.
All this is by way of saying that, yes, sometimes we do the best we can at the time, but there are always, always opportunities to rise and affect change.
My sib has had numerous opportunities to reflect and change. My parents could have stood up and said ‘no’ to him more.
It’s within our grasp. Whether we act is up to us.
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