Mango212

My first Autumn with newly discovered, terrifying memories of my childhood. Just over 10 months ago the first deep memories started coming up during therapy and meditation. I've again been ramping up self-care and therapy. Milestones in recovery also tend to be huge triggers for me. Allowing these core responses to change, naturally, with guidance.

A huge part of me wants to "get on with 'normal' living, already!".

What happened to me wasn't normal. It was traumatic. This deserves time and space for healing.

Making plans for a long weekend getaway in October to one of my favorite spots in the world, which isn't far away from me. Me, kid and puppy. Tons of room for inviting guests. Recognizing this isn't the time for that.

#lifeisgood #newdirections #livinginthesolution

Mango212

I've been shattered.

I am healing.

Now I'm unbreakable.

Everything has changed.



#reflecting #goodkarma

Culture

Going through the same thing myself Mango. It is not an easy process, but at least now I have days where I feel great peace within myself.
Your trip sounds wonderful and is something to look forward to in the days ahead.
When I have bad days I always find spending time with nature very soothing to the soul.

Mango212

Culture,

Me, too. I've been finding good healing lately in laying on the grass looking at trees, birds, bugs, sunshine. Thanks for being here with me.

Up late with more good realizations. It's good to face them, allow the truth to surface and work through these things.

I'm choosing to release these things to God/Great Spirit/Universe. I choose to move onward, with positive momentum guiding me.

I choose to live with joy.

Culture

I do the same things, if I get overwhelmed I pass it all to God to deal with and I try not to fight. It is a hard thing to learn to surrender and just give in, it always go's better for me when I do.

Mango212

A prayer, a meditation, a thought:

I am worthy of a big, beautiful, wonderful life.

God/Great Spirit/Universe,

I open my heart to this day. Please guide my thoughts and actions.

#thankyougod #lifeisgood

Mango212

Planned distractions for this autumn:

- Building a new music playlist.

- Made a Netflix account. I'm going to make time to watch a couple old series and several new ones.

- Photography. Breaking traditional rules. Looking at contrast, nature and design in new ways.

- Sunrise meditations.

- Weight lifting. Starting light. It's a start!

hopeful4

I love how self aware you are Mango. Good stuff.

Mango212

Thank you, hopeful. I like that term. Self-aware.

Determined. Completely surrendering this to the universe.

An early autumn this year. I love Indian summers and have enjoyed several in recent years. This autumn I'm embracing the leaves changing colors, homey comforting foods and maple. Maple bacon, maple syrup, etc.

There's a huge lilac bush outside that's dropping leaves. Now I can see a bird's nest inside it.

Kid, puppy and I have been playing tag and chase outside. Strong warm breezes and lots of fall color.

Mango212

I'm experiencing autumn in many good ways this year.

This morning the sun is shining brightly. It's highlighting the landscapes much differently than a month ago.

There are geese on the pond and elk bugling.

Peace in my heart, soul and body. Taking this one day at a time.

#healthyconnections

Mango212

Milestones in recovery also tend to be huge triggers for me. Allowing these core responses to change, naturally, with guidance.

I'm really liking where this is going!!

Yesterday a big glass dish shattered. No big deal. As I was cleaning it up, songs on the radio were "Shattered", then one about taking this slow, no hurry. The third song was "broken like me".

A year ago my heart was broken as my husband relapsed and I left with kid. As I cleaned up the shards of glass, I realized the timing of this, one year later. No coincidence. Yet I'm healing. My heart and my emotions are healthier. No tears, fears or drama. Simply a moment in a very beautifully connected day.

Something big changed in my perspective yesterday and today. This milestone is no longer about the trauma. I now feel it deeply as a time I've stood up for myself and protected kid in new ways! Yay, me!!!

Took puppy for a walk this morning and did some yoga, barefoot outside. Finding great peace in this moment, in this day.

Mango212

Timeline:

A year ago I wasn't living with my husband, yet he had been sober for over a year and we had been spending time together with kid, as a family. We had plans to spend a long weekend together when he relapsed. Leaving with kid that day was very traumatic. That was the first time I went No Contact with him.

Higher Power brought us back together last winter, while my husband was back in recovery. We lived together for several months before he relapsed again. I really appreciate having had this time with him. Kid was able to have much more time with his dad in good ways.

Now back to kid and I being the healthy family unit, along with puppy. Ease in healing this time. Moving forward, allowing emotions, welcoming laughter and joy. No contact is a huge help with this.

Mango212

"I've been shattered."

Sharp knives left out on counters or stored on counters have been bothering me greatly for quite some time. I've had an awareness of this, yet no understanding of it.

I like the aspect of a spiritual meaning of using sharp knives to cut from life what I want of it. To decide to make specific cuts of good, delicious, healthy things that I choose to have in my life. Yoga? Get specific: like making a cut with a sharp knife. Hot yoga at a favorite center. Yoga stetches outside on the grass. Taco salad? Get specific: homemade taco salad, taco salad at my favorite hot springs that has a poolside grill. Same as chopping vegetables, yet on an emotional/psychological level. I cut up what I like, the good things get used in good ways. That what I don't want I compost, dump or otherwise get rid of.

This evening brings clarity of this underlying great fear of knives I've been having. I've been shattered. Cut up emotionally. Deeply. These are big pains I'm healing from. Simple as that. An emotional connection to the thought of being hurt. I've never physically been hurt by knives. Symbolism bringing me more awareness of deeper pain.

Planning to simply sit with this awareness and see what else arises.

Healing, one day at a time.

Pathwaytofree

Hi Mango,

I am enjoying your posts very much.

This morning, I was reading an article and a painful memory from 7th grade involving my mother came to mind. Instead of reacting emotionally to it, I reacted factually. All of a sudden, I had this great shift in my head. Going forward, I am going to continue to react factually to my past instead of emotionally.

Your posts about the knives reminded me of an experience I had in a meditation at a yoga studio I go to. There was a plastic small old fashioned looking sword. We used to to symbolically cut away any negative energies that were around us. Just thought I'd share that.

Kboys

I love all this Mango

Crying now

I think I forget, or choose to not think about, how deeply I have been hurt, and shattered, as you say... but I suppose it's necessary to feel and work through, in order to truly move on

Mango212

It's a little more than two years since I started having repressed memories come up. I now have new skills, tools and outlooks.

I'm enjoying life greatly, taking things one day at a time and trusting God/Universe/Great Spirit with the timing of DS12 living with me (currently we are in a CPS case and he's living with his sister and her husband and kids)

Zen warrior, at peace. Trusting Universe, good, having clarity, awareness and strength.