Another "in my lane?" question: Transporting Kid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Another "in my lane?" question: Transporting Kid
Hello everyone, and thank you in advance for giving me the opportunity to work through some parenting issues. Here's today's:
Next week, ex will "graduate" to having an extended visit with Kid every other weekend (12 hours - no overnights, and still breathalyzer-monitored). (He has "graduated" because he's managed to go two months without failing SoberLink). This means he has time with Kid from 8.00 AM to 8.00 PM. I foresee many issues arising. The issue I'm stuck on right now is transportation.
Ex lives about a 20 minute drive from me. He isn't allowed to drive with Kid in the car because of DUIs. Thus far, he has not taken any responsibility for Kid getting to and from his place. Either I deliver her and retrieve her or she takes the bus - about 60-80 minutes each way. Ex can't pick her up himself, but other options (taxi, Uber, having a friend do the driving, meeting Kid somewhere closer, etc) have not occurred to him.
I do not want to be a chauffeur. I fell into that role last summer and spent hours and hours driving her to his apartment. (It goes without saying that I also do all the transportation for everything else Kid does). I also do not want to get the blame if Kid isn't at ex's doorstep at 8.01 on Saturday. It would be convenient for ex and Kid if I dedicated my weekend to driving back and forth, but that would once again put me in the position of the overfunctioner, the one who does everything that ex isn't willing to do. I fall into that role far too easily, with the result that I am raising Kid.
So I am thinking: I will tell ex that I'll bring Kid to his place on the first Saturday visit, but after that he and Kid will have to figure out transport. This will suck for Kid because she will see me as the reason she has to spend hours on the bus, since I don't see her father getting his act together to work out another solution. (Obviously I will pick her up in any emergency situation, but not as a regular service to ex).
Does this sound reasonable? Non-over-function-y? Likely to make Kid hate me forever?
Next week, ex will "graduate" to having an extended visit with Kid every other weekend (12 hours - no overnights, and still breathalyzer-monitored). (He has "graduated" because he's managed to go two months without failing SoberLink). This means he has time with Kid from 8.00 AM to 8.00 PM. I foresee many issues arising. The issue I'm stuck on right now is transportation.
Ex lives about a 20 minute drive from me. He isn't allowed to drive with Kid in the car because of DUIs. Thus far, he has not taken any responsibility for Kid getting to and from his place. Either I deliver her and retrieve her or she takes the bus - about 60-80 minutes each way. Ex can't pick her up himself, but other options (taxi, Uber, having a friend do the driving, meeting Kid somewhere closer, etc) have not occurred to him.
I do not want to be a chauffeur. I fell into that role last summer and spent hours and hours driving her to his apartment. (It goes without saying that I also do all the transportation for everything else Kid does). I also do not want to get the blame if Kid isn't at ex's doorstep at 8.01 on Saturday. It would be convenient for ex and Kid if I dedicated my weekend to driving back and forth, but that would once again put me in the position of the overfunctioner, the one who does everything that ex isn't willing to do. I fall into that role far too easily, with the result that I am raising Kid.
So I am thinking: I will tell ex that I'll bring Kid to his place on the first Saturday visit, but after that he and Kid will have to figure out transport. This will suck for Kid because she will see me as the reason she has to spend hours on the bus, since I don't see her father getting his act together to work out another solution. (Obviously I will pick her up in any emergency situation, but not as a regular service to ex).
Does this sound reasonable? Non-over-function-y? Likely to make Kid hate me forever?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
A 20 minute drive isn't that bad. I would drive them to and from before I would put them on a bus alone. Too many weirdos out there.
This isn't going to last forever. Sure, it might be an inconvenience for a while, but we do what we must for our children.
This isn't going to last forever. Sure, it might be an inconvenience for a while, but we do what we must for our children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
How would you handle a scenario where you drop Kid off, and he asks you to drive him and Kid to another destination?
I don't necessarily see a problem with dropping Kid off, but if he starts trying to have you drive him and her to a place "on the way back" it's going to turn into one slippery slope very fast.
I don't necessarily see a problem with dropping Kid off, but if he starts trying to have you drive him and her to a place "on the way back" it's going to turn into one slippery slope very fast.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Tough one but I see your point. I don't see this as you doing this for her, I see you as having to do it for him.
When does he start to take responsibility?
If he wants to see his child he should certainly organize the transport. If your Daughter is unhappy with taking the bus does she have the option to not go?
Let's reverse this for a minute, what if someone posted here:
The only reason you have to consider doing this is because he is irresponsible. Why is that your responsibility? She is, yes of course, but your responsibility is just to ensure she gets safe transport, not that no one is inconvenienced.
It's probably a good lesson on consequences for behaviour, for both of them.
When does he start to take responsibility?
If he wants to see his child he should certainly organize the transport. If your Daughter is unhappy with taking the bus does she have the option to not go?
Let's reverse this for a minute, what if someone posted here:
Hi, I'm a Dad of a Daughter and I have visitation. Because of several convictions for driving while drunk, I can't pick her up for her visitation every other weekend on Saturday. I am thinking of asking my ex if she can drop her off every other Saturday at 8:00 AM and pick her up at 8:00 PM, do you think that sounds reasonable?
It's probably a good lesson on consequences for behaviour, for both of them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
That's a tough one. My STBAXH and I have the arrangement where he picks them up from me at 9am. Then I go and pick them up at 2pm. On our paperwork it states 'the receiving parent provides the transportation.' I like it this way because if he doesn't pick up our boys on time I am able to document it. For example, this past weekend he was 15 to 20 mins late picking them up (he lives 5 mins away from me). I believe it should be an equal responsibility for both parents to provide transportation. All the responsibility shouldn't be on you. He needs to figure out a way to get DD on Saturday to him at 8am.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Tough one but I see your point. I don't see this as you doing this for her, I see you as having to do it for him.
When does he start to take responsibility?
If he wants to see his child he should certainly organize the transport. If your Daughter is unhappy with taking the bus does she have the option to not go?
Let's reverse this for a minute, what if someone posted here:
The only reason you have to consider doing this is because he is irresponsible. Why is that your responsibility? She is, yes of course, but your responsibility is just to ensure she gets safe transport, not that no one is inconvenienced.
It's probably a good lesson on consequences for behaviour, for both of them.
When does he start to take responsibility?
If he wants to see his child he should certainly organize the transport. If your Daughter is unhappy with taking the bus does she have the option to not go?
Let's reverse this for a minute, what if someone posted here:
The only reason you have to consider doing this is because he is irresponsible. Why is that your responsibility? She is, yes of course, but your responsibility is just to ensure she gets safe transport, not that no one is inconvenienced.
It's probably a good lesson on consequences for behaviour, for both of them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everybody for your comments - they've really helped me to understand how much of my frustration here is the result of years of doing things for the alcoholic because he won't do them himself and how much is attached to the actual situation.
It's occurred to me that if I do drive Kid to his place at 8.00 AM on Saturday, I can accomplish a couple of other things: get grocery shopping and other errands done early, and make it to a Saturday morning AlAnon meeting afterwards. I can't attend my preferred weekday meeting for a few months because of a work schedule change, so this would keep me in touch with AlAnon. (Mornings are also when ex is at his worst because he's an insomniac, so if there's going to be a problem, I'm more likely to see it).
If ex has a fit because Kid is not on his doorstep at 8.01, well, I'm not going to fuss and push Kid to get ready at 6.30 on Saturday mornings because she has to see her father. If she dawdles, so be it.
It's occurred to me that if I do drive Kid to his place at 8.00 AM on Saturday, I can accomplish a couple of other things: get grocery shopping and other errands done early, and make it to a Saturday morning AlAnon meeting afterwards. I can't attend my preferred weekday meeting for a few months because of a work schedule change, so this would keep me in touch with AlAnon. (Mornings are also when ex is at his worst because he's an insomniac, so if there's going to be a problem, I'm more likely to see it).
If ex has a fit because Kid is not on his doorstep at 8.01, well, I'm not going to fuss and push Kid to get ready at 6.30 on Saturday mornings because she has to see her father. If she dawdles, so be it.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Yep. I love your approach. 
If he wants her there on time, he can find a solution. I can't imagine he is house-bound the two weeks in between seeing her. Alcoholics - active, dry or in recovery- can find solutions, or not, just as everyone else does.
If he wants her there on time, he can find a solution. I can't imagine he is house-bound the two weeks in between seeing her. Alcoholics - active, dry or in recovery- can find solutions, or not, just as everyone else does.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Similar situation with my XAH and visitation. He couldn't drive as he was legally blind. For the first couple of years we lived close enough that it was not an issue, and I drove. I moved to a different house, and that changed. When I was considering my options, my concern was if I dropped DD off at the beginning of visitation; what incentive did he have to arrange a way for her to get back home? Clearly if I wanted her to come home, I would have to get her. I told him he would have to pick her up at the beginning of the visitation, and I would come get her at the end. He managed to make arrangements one time.... after that it must have been too much effort.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sasha if you can set things up to suit yourself and still drive her, go for it. The only proviso is that if one day you have other commitments, how do you make it clear that this is a favour, not an obligation?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I drive my child EVERYWHERE. I always take her to her dad's house b/c I don't trust him to pick her up. Nor would I want her to be stuck on public transport for something not her fault. Sure, it stinks. However, it is just how our life is. I need to know my child is SAFE. That is more important than the hassle it causes me.
He is able to bring her back home on Sunday mornings as it's early and he is not going to have been drinking at that time of day. If it were any later (It's about 9:30 am that she comes home), I would absolutely go get her myself, and have done so. Many times.
I would not get in any big fuss about getting her there on time. If he wants her there at a certain time, he can come get her that morning.
That is just my two cents. I agree about him knowing this is a favor to him, not your obligation. I will also throw out there that I have back up people at any given time. I have several people who love my daughter who know our situation that I could call at any time who would gladly go pick her up should I not be able to go. If I don't have someone like that lined up, I won't leave and go anywhere just in case.
This is just how we live.
He is able to bring her back home on Sunday mornings as it's early and he is not going to have been drinking at that time of day. If it were any later (It's about 9:30 am that she comes home), I would absolutely go get her myself, and have done so. Many times.
I would not get in any big fuss about getting her there on time. If he wants her there at a certain time, he can come get her that morning.
That is just my two cents. I agree about him knowing this is a favor to him, not your obligation. I will also throw out there that I have back up people at any given time. I have several people who love my daughter who know our situation that I could call at any time who would gladly go pick her up should I not be able to go. If I don't have someone like that lined up, I won't leave and go anywhere just in case.
This is just how we live.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
I panic if I can't pick up my son and have to depend on someone else to do it. Usually I ask my MIL. While I'm nearly 100% certain AH doesn't drink at work so you'd think he could swing by and pick him up on his way home....it's that nearly that I can't get over. Also the worry that once they arrive home he will be drinking and unable to respond to an emergency should one arise while home alone with our son.
I would suggest two things. If you're going to bring her and pick her up regularly and one day you can't, then let him know in advance something came up and you are unable to provide transportation and he will need to make arrangements to get her. The other option is to put him on notice that he will need to figure out a way to get her to him and you can pick her up. you will provide transportation both ways until X date.
as far as "I got her there at 8:12 and she's supposed to be there at 8:00" if he wants it done a certain way he can do it himself. That's the attitude I've been taking at home lately. AH complains and I remind him that I am one person and I do the best I can to get everything done, if something gets missed, isn't done when he wants/thinks it should be done then he is welcome to take care of it himself. That usually shuts him up AND recently has gotten me some help around the house.
I would suggest two things. If you're going to bring her and pick her up regularly and one day you can't, then let him know in advance something came up and you are unable to provide transportation and he will need to make arrangements to get her. The other option is to put him on notice that he will need to figure out a way to get her to him and you can pick her up. you will provide transportation both ways until X date.
as far as "I got her there at 8:12 and she's supposed to be there at 8:00" if he wants it done a certain way he can do it himself. That's the attitude I've been taking at home lately. AH complains and I remind him that I am one person and I do the best I can to get everything done, if something gets missed, isn't done when he wants/thinks it should be done then he is welcome to take care of it himself. That usually shuts him up AND recently has gotten me some help around the house.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Watching this with interest. I've taken in a room mate. His wife is an alcoholic with custody of the children. (sigh) So, she brought the kids for a visit, plus their laundry.
If Roomie had custody, we'd re-negotiate his rent to reflect more people living here. I wouldn't mind the kids' laundry if they lived here...but I kind of bristle at her dumping it here so she doesn't have to go to the laundromat. She has a trust fund. Not worth fussing over unless it becomes a habit, but it irked me.
If Roomie had custody, we'd re-negotiate his rent to reflect more people living here. I wouldn't mind the kids' laundry if they lived here...but I kind of bristle at her dumping it here so she doesn't have to go to the laundromat. She has a trust fund. Not worth fussing over unless it becomes a habit, but it irked me.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Sasha,
I blanked out on the part of him only not being able to drive kid. With the dui's i was thinking of him not having a license.
Absolutely great provision to protect your child!
Standing by the comment of him being able to find a way, if it doesn't work out for you to drive. Or he can skip that visit. His responsibility somewhere in the mix.
I blanked out on the part of him only not being able to drive kid. With the dui's i was thinking of him not having a license.
Absolutely great provision to protect your child!
Standing by the comment of him being able to find a way, if it doesn't work out for you to drive. Or he can skip that visit. His responsibility somewhere in the mix.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I've told him that I "will not usually be available to pick her up in the evenings so you will need to make other arrangements to get her home". I did not receive a response, but he's on notice.
I would absolutely pick Kid up if she asked me to, and she knows it. She takes the bus to/from school every day and she knows her way around the bus system. I don't love the idea of her taking the bus after dark, but the route is pretty safe (no sketchy neighbourhoods - her downtown school is a lot more dubious). And I really, really don't want to be locked into driving her to and from her father's place for God knows how many months. That's what would be most convenient for Kid and ex, but not functional for me.
I would absolutely pick Kid up if she asked me to, and she knows it. She takes the bus to/from school every day and she knows her way around the bus system. I don't love the idea of her taking the bus after dark, but the route is pretty safe (no sketchy neighbourhoods - her downtown school is a lot more dubious). And I really, really don't want to be locked into driving her to and from her father's place for God knows how many months. That's what would be most convenient for Kid and ex, but not functional for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
