60 days!!! :)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
60 days!!! :)
I thought I was going to be a newcomer for the rest of my life. I was about to call the cops on myself 3 months ago as I walked scantily clad and barefoot in tears with a bottle of peach vodka down the street, drunk dialing everyone I knew in my phone. I was googling success rates for Tylenol overdoses because of two prior suicide attempts I'm still footing the medical bills for. I wanted to make it count this time. There was no way in hell I could be sober for more than 2 days. I hadn't been sober more than 25 days since I was 18 (about 11 years). I almost cost my best friend her job as I rolled up at her work, offering the gardener shots cause I wanted someone to talk to, and the two family members I still had any contact with told me to eff off and get help. I didn't fully surrender in that moment, I didn't get on my knees at that point. I pridefully challenged God, any God, "Go for it. You want to make this demon a saint, go ahead and try" I was sure I'd be drinking again in a week like always, and so did everyone else.
I ran into some old friends at the grocery store last night inviting me out to a party, and my roommate comments on how I need to get out of the house. I sit around my apartment and do little projects and hobbies. I really only leave for errands and AA meetings. I was feeling a little blue yesterday as I realized how little men now approach me, and seem to just look right through me. I'm about 30 pounds heavier than I was 9 months ago, rarely wear make-up now and don't fake tan. I'm arguably much less attractive. I'm pretty stressed about bills right now as my disability is running out, the job search is getting a little discouraging and I have to undergo a medical procedure I'm really not excited about on the 14th. BUT GUESSSS WHAT??
I am 60 days sober and I would not trade it for anything. I feel in my heart of hearts so damn good that I made this decision and utter shock and gratitude that my higher power has done so much unbelievable work on me these last two months. I don't care if people think I'm a recluse or a little overweight. My bills might be late but they will get paid at some point, and thankfully my credit score is still amazing. They're just bills! I have no room in my heart to worry to about the external world and its pressures right now.
I know its not much time, but I just want to celebrate in this moment with you all who have been an integral piece of my recovery, an unrelenting source of support. Because I literally thought I was "incurable" and there was no room for miracles in this house, just mere weeks ago. I thought drinking a fifth of vodka a day was going to be my life forever and I had no other choice. I'm just trembling, you guys. I know it's exhausting and annoying to hear but seriously,I feel like if I can make it to this pint, anyone can. Each new day I have feels more and more precious, more and more fragile and I want to protect it at all costs. I love this feeling. Cheers to a new thirst.
<3 you all!
P.S. I was in an emotional rage on Friday and considered drinking or getting high for a good 20 minutes. I'm still in this fight and won't stay delusional. But damn, here's to praying for another 60, or even just one!
I ran into some old friends at the grocery store last night inviting me out to a party, and my roommate comments on how I need to get out of the house. I sit around my apartment and do little projects and hobbies. I really only leave for errands and AA meetings. I was feeling a little blue yesterday as I realized how little men now approach me, and seem to just look right through me. I'm about 30 pounds heavier than I was 9 months ago, rarely wear make-up now and don't fake tan. I'm arguably much less attractive. I'm pretty stressed about bills right now as my disability is running out, the job search is getting a little discouraging and I have to undergo a medical procedure I'm really not excited about on the 14th. BUT GUESSSS WHAT??
I am 60 days sober and I would not trade it for anything. I feel in my heart of hearts so damn good that I made this decision and utter shock and gratitude that my higher power has done so much unbelievable work on me these last two months. I don't care if people think I'm a recluse or a little overweight. My bills might be late but they will get paid at some point, and thankfully my credit score is still amazing. They're just bills! I have no room in my heart to worry to about the external world and its pressures right now.
I know its not much time, but I just want to celebrate in this moment with you all who have been an integral piece of my recovery, an unrelenting source of support. Because I literally thought I was "incurable" and there was no room for miracles in this house, just mere weeks ago. I thought drinking a fifth of vodka a day was going to be my life forever and I had no other choice. I'm just trembling, you guys. I know it's exhausting and annoying to hear but seriously,I feel like if I can make it to this pint, anyone can. Each new day I have feels more and more precious, more and more fragile and I want to protect it at all costs. I love this feeling. Cheers to a new thirst.
<3 you all!
P.S. I was in an emotional rage on Friday and considered drinking or getting high for a good 20 minutes. I'm still in this fight and won't stay delusional. But damn, here's to praying for another 60, or even just one!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
60 days is awesome. I relate very much to your post. Completely changing our lives, starting fresh, with a blank canvas, doesn't happen over night.
You'll slowly paint a new picture. Starting with the ground you will walk on! It takes time....not a race for sure.
You'll slowly paint a new picture. Starting with the ground you will walk on! It takes time....not a race for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thank you so much for the positive words and encouragement!
Don't think I could have done it without you all!
I just went to go to a meeting and get my 60 day chip and my car won't start. This is kind of hilarious lol.
Don't think I could have done it without you all!
I just went to go to a meeting and get my 60 day chip and my car won't start. This is kind of hilarious lol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Congratulations. Maybe someone from AA can give you a ride? Or you can take the bus?
One day at a time, one thing at a time. Have patience to learn balance. Your body and mind will heal with time, patience, and balance.
I think it’s important to get out of the house - sober - when you’re ready. You’re doing great.
One day at a time, one thing at a time. Have patience to learn balance. Your body and mind will heal with time, patience, and balance.
I think it’s important to get out of the house - sober - when you’re ready. You’re doing great.
:dan ce1:
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Hawking that's amazing I'm so happy for you!! 60 days feels and is brilliant, you should be so proud of everything that you have achieved so far. Wait til you make it to 90
Stay strong and keep it up it just gets better.
Stay strong and keep it up it just gets better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
You guys are just the best, thank you for all of the support!
Yeah, the car thing was whatever. Then my cat decided to randomly pee on my bed...my sponsor never called me like she was supposed to. Good ol' me threw herself a little pity party last night that I'm not proud of. It's crazy too because I'm crying (over very manageable first world problems, firstly) and one of my first thoughts is "you know, screw this. Apparently my sponsor doesn't care if I drink, my roommate's worthless. I make her and lazy boyfriend breakfast and she can't jump to jump my car when I need her to? Screw them all, I'll just walk over to the watering hole and THAT can be my celebration". I didn't thankfully, but I'm worried if I didn't have an anxiety med to tranquilize my ass if I would have and that scares me. I still have so much to learn and so much work to do. I'm grateful to you all for reminding me I need to work on this constantly, protect it and keep it at the forefront of my mind.
One day at a time, indeed! Thank you all again, you rock!
#Day61
Yeah, the car thing was whatever. Then my cat decided to randomly pee on my bed...my sponsor never called me like she was supposed to. Good ol' me threw herself a little pity party last night that I'm not proud of. It's crazy too because I'm crying (over very manageable first world problems, firstly) and one of my first thoughts is "you know, screw this. Apparently my sponsor doesn't care if I drink, my roommate's worthless. I make her and lazy boyfriend breakfast and she can't jump to jump my car when I need her to? Screw them all, I'll just walk over to the watering hole and THAT can be my celebration". I didn't thankfully, but I'm worried if I didn't have an anxiety med to tranquilize my ass if I would have and that scares me. I still have so much to learn and so much work to do. I'm grateful to you all for reminding me I need to work on this constantly, protect it and keep it at the forefront of my mind.
One day at a time, indeed! Thank you all again, you rock!
#Day61
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by bexxed 
I think it’s important to get out of the house - sober - when you’re ready. You’re doing great.
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