Shredder22

Everyone is entitled to there opinion. I ask all to be as empathetic as possible or hit ignore so no threads I start cause a commotion.

I moved I did it all myself. 72 hours no sleep. Selling furniture etc. I'm starting to not like the ex at all 4 moves since 6/15 on my own in the heat or hiring someone for help. I'm at final stretch 30 days at mom's and the great escape.

My therapist said I have been codependent so long Coda, al anon, and celebrate recovery she feels weary about as it's not run by a professional with credentials. She said why sit in a meeting for an hour when your whole life you dedicated to others. Stop talking about the drunk write down 10 hobbies you liked even if you go back to childhood. I came up with ceramics, writing, poetry, swimming, thrift shopping, jogging and that's all I could think of but I would like to learn how to cook. I basically know how to boil water. So, I can get recipes and learn. If you can read you can cook.
I forwarded her the thread the same day I was choking and sobbing she said this forum will keep me stuck pining over him. The goal is me. My new chapter which is yet to be written I should be focusing on. She also said people have good and bad days and someone will always be tough w the typing for online support and I don't need that right now. I'm not asking to be kicked off I was told to see my therapist and I did. Those were her words. Don't want anyone to get upset just an update. That's all.

kevlarsjal2

By no means I want to tell your therapist is wrong or anything. I do think she has a good point in focusing on yourself. But for me personally recovery is much about getting to know myself and making my own decisions based on my judgements (and they can of course be wrong at times but then these are my own mistakes I make, that I take responsibility for and learn from).
So I’d suggest to reflect on how YOU feel about this forum. Do you feel like it keeps you stuck focusing on your ex or do the responses you get upset you too easily right now? Or do you feel like it is a valuable source of support from people who are or have been in similar situations?
Remember there is no right or wrong with those things. It’s just about opinions and feelings. Your therapist’s opinion, your own, other people’s opinions on here... and we are all just human, so we can all be wrong sometimes, even if we mean well.
Do what you feel is best for you right now and even that of course is just my advice and totally up to you if you take it or not.


Also that’s a nice list of hobbies already. I love cooking myself and once you get the basics right, it’s fun to just be creative and experimental with it. Plus you end up with lots of nice food!
I rediscovered a ton of old hobbies from my childhood and I was surprised to find out how little I have changed in that way. I still get just as excited about jigsaw puzzles, baking, painting / drawing, handiwork and taking care of plants.

I hope you will rediscover that kind of joy for yourself too

honeypig

Doesn't sound like this "therapist" knows much about Alanon if she thinks you sit there and talk about the alcoholic.

Shredder22

I have gone to Al anon myself and the focus is on the drunk. Every meeting I went to. A bunch of people spilling there guts about the trauma with the drunk. I got a sponsor back in June who told me countless stories of her Exah who passed in her arms, her kids are now addicts. I believe in the step work but the meetings out here are dramatic and I have left feeling worse. I tried like 4 different towns. Some leaders or vets even proceed into new relationships with drunks so after you hear about the passing you here about a new drunk in there lives. I want to chuck this up as an awful learning experience as Marie1960 said and have it be a life lesson. My therapist says she feels sketchy about it as no highly trained professional runs these groups just codes, recovering codes or codes that have clean time but not give the best advice or could relapse as relapse happens for the code or a drunk. I'm hoping I can find a meeting that's not unorganized, disshelved with quality people. My therapist is just trying to help me focus on me and not even give him or any alcoholic any more of a waste of my breathe. She wants me excited for my move to Florida. I ask no judgement. I spoke with plenty of great people on here I appreciate each and everyone of you

Shredder22

She is a fantastic therapist. She has no experience in addiction for alcohol. She knows teaching me when to say no, setting boundaries, and the difference between love and getting used. She is trained in codenpendency and has wanted me out since day 1. I'm happy w her.

honeypig

Kind of what I thought...

But these are your choices to make, and I'd never deny that you have the right to choose whatever you think will be of most benefit.

Shredder22

Celebrate recovery was better. It's very hard to find daily meetings for celebrate recovery there are may be 2 or 3 in a week in my area or 25 mile radius I don't want to give up on doing the work. I appreciate you being kind.

Seren

Hi Shredder,

You haven't offended me at all. You are an adult with free will. If you have a therapist, and you are comfortable with her....that's great! Participating in Al-Anon or this forum are not requirements for anything.

Please know that we'll support you whatever path you choose to take in getting to a better place! If your therapist thinks groups are not the way to go, and that seems right to you, then by all means simply use your therapist for support and your journal as a tool in your own work.

All the best!!

Wamama48

I agree that Alanon isn't for everyone. I didn't care for it personally, but there are many people who get a lot from it, for some its a lifesaver. My therapist works best for me, and it seems yours does for you. The point is, do what works best for you!

FeelingGreat

If her advice makes sense to you, why not give it a go? You won't have lost anything if it doesn't work because you can always come back to SR and Al-anon whenever you like.

Maybe she thinks you're obsessing too much on the past and need to look to the future. Wish I could give you some cooking lessons! Maybe your mother?

If you find yourself needing the support given here and elsewhere, they you've discovered something about yourself.

marie1960

Certainly there is not a time limit on grief, and we all process and come to terms with our situation on our own terms.

Personally, I found so much support here at SR when I ended a relationship with an out of control active alcoholic. In the beginning , I did not always understand what some folks were sharing, as some were ahead of me in their healing process.

The fact remained, I was tired of waking up feeling like I was hit by a semi truck. Yes, I was hurting, and yes there were lonely times, and I felt absolutely ridiculous for staying way longer than I should have. Some days, I just needed to cry, other days, I would wake up with such a negative attitude, my mantra, “ all out of f*cks for today “. And just push thru it. Nothing like a couple of close girlfriends who want to eat chips , salsa, and tacos with you, and vent about anything and everything.

Shredder, is a friend, family member an option of a support system for you?

Shredder22

Sadly my therapist is only support out here. Mom is 74 as well as dad they are checked out. I can talk to them but I basically get crickets in return. My drunk was my rock, my fiance, funny, supportive until after midnight he turned on me. My 2 friends are in Florida hence the move.

Marie, I hate him and love him at the same time. Sometimes I wish I left the phone on so I could run in his arms and trauma bond. I fake it till I make it. I hate all my prior exes can't wait till I'm over him. I still pray for him to seek treatment. It really bothered me I got his mom a mother's day cake, card, and various other things only to be told leave my family alone.
I realize drunks exhibit narcissistic personality disorder and I was alcohol supply, transportation, roof, sex. I guess I was played it felt so real. These 30 days I have to fight like I'm Losing to get to Florida. Being an empath/martyr complex I attract narcs or narcs on substances. The drunk would be # 5 at 34. Thank God I have a job and my boss is supportive and my pastor. I look at my capital one statement all alcohol and cigarettes and ubers in 1 year. 6 k maxed out to please him only to ghost.

I been at bottom I will bounce back. I will remain radio silent, no fb, no nothing. My therapist, work, church, and hobbies. Debt you can always pay off.

I'm sorry atalose if I was mean or sarcastic. I think all of us wants relationships to work out. I also think abusive relationships are harder to get over. I don't like al anon I like SR and happy days. Sometimes I want to put a card in the mail and say I pray for you often. You take it easy. I won't though.

Is this normal on certain days marie1960?

aliciagr

That sounds like a lot of hard work Shredder. Did it leave you with the feeling that you want, and deserve the next relationship to be with someone reliable, dependable, a true life partner?

I say this because I remember packing up in my house with my mom helping me. And kept thinking: am I ever going to be able to rely on my husband as an equal partner? I deserve and want that !

Well they are not professionally led or organized. Simply people trying to help other people the best they can using the guidebooks for those programs. How long have you been going? And do you feel they have helped you reach YOUR goals? Hindered your efforts, kept you stuck in thoughts of addiction and unhealthy relationships?

What are the goals you hope to achieve by attending?

I think its always good to step back and look at whats been accomplished, how things have improved or not, what my feelings are now.

I went to Alanon for a while and stopped because it wasn't for me. Going just to go, would not have helped me reach MY goals. I attended therapy a long time and feel that it was more helpful to me. One of my own personal feelings is that I was working on myself not to live a life always being in recovery mode, but to recover and move on with my life.

So with this in mind - I can relate to what your therapist is saying when she asks you to look at hobbies - other enjoyable activities you can do which will shift the focus to living life and enjoying it, bringing in people with various life experiences to help you grow.

I think you have a nice list going. I struggled with this when I was trying to normalize my life after all the trauma I went through.

If you have a good relationship with the therapist and she knows you well, then I would give some thought to why she is encouraging this. You don't have to agree with her on all things, and I can say my therapist never expected me to sit quietly if I didn't share the same perspective.

Oh I told my therapist about this site too. I was getting feedback online and needed to discuss it with someone who was much more versed than I was in all of this stuff, who also knew me personally, knew more about my life, husband, family dynamics, and the like.

I think you did the right thing by sharing in that safe space.

Freedom1990

My concern is she thinks "credentialed professionals" should be running the meetings. I would say she knows squat about 12 step programs.

Shredder, do what you think you need to do. Personally any of the 12 step programs I use teach me to look at me and begin healing.

That path may indeed not be for you. I don't know.

I see a therapist every other week, and I've had times I don't agree with her, which is okay. She's not God!

Just know I am sending you hugs of support from stormy Kansas!

Shredder22

She is my #1 support. I will go to celebrate recovery I could not stand al anon meetings. The books were great the people it was open Mic night of the most traumatizing stories I left back in June wanting to call my ex as I thought he might have died after al anon. Maybe all are not like that but I tried 4 all in different towns. My therapist is not God but has helped me out tremendously. Thank you for responding.

Michsm

You said your drunk was your rock but I don’t know many drunks I can rely on. I don’t have a therapist or attended any type of meetings but I do have great friends and this site which has helped me. You will need to what is best for you. It is ok to try something and realize it isn't for you, fail fast. It is a hard road but stay strong, you can do it and time does heal. Good luck to you.

Shredder22

He was a positive support for the first 90 days then an epic fail. Your right drunks are not your rock.

hearthealth

Ten hobbies that's a lot of things to get involved with. I have been very involved with my hobbies. For me those hobbies are one facet. There is more items one can learn from meetings with others that have dealt with similar circumstances. I once thought that meetings weren't productive. You don't make a quilt for your keeping at the meeting or learn how to plant tomatoes but I still learned something and made friends. It is about how you want to live each day.

marie1960

Is this normal on certain days, Marie1960?

Dear Shredder. No doubt there will be an adjustment period as we try to return to normal. We have had to lick our own wounds, patch ourselves up, put on a good work face, and pretend nothing bad has happened. People who have not lived this firsthand, have zero clue as to what we are going thru, or what we experienced behind closed doors.

Shredder, this fella took advantage of you, he used you financially and emotionally, all you can do is pick yourself up brush yourself off, and go forward. You did nothing wrong, what you did do is put way more deserving trust in someone that was a user. You know there are givers and takers in this world, and sad to say you have been duped.

I am sorry his mom was cruel to you, but maybe, just maybe she was doing you a favor. For her to tell you to stay away from the family, I can view that as run, and don’t look back. It’s all about perception.

I do understand the love him , hate him also, loved who he once was, hate who they have become under the influence.

I have found comfort and strength in music, put some of your favorite happy music on, turn it up , sing along, sing loud, try and remember you, the happy you, ya know the one you were before this jerk dug his hooks in you..

Time to take your power back, you matter first! Try Being your own best friend for a few days, you may surprise yourself.

maia1234

Shredder,
I am happy that you have found the right support for you with your therapist, as we all deserve happiness in life.

I personally went to my first few alanon meetings and didn't learn that much. It was 15 years later when I was out of my mind, that I returned. I opened my ears and shut my mouth and I just listened. For 10 straight months during my divorce, I was committed to 2 alanon meetings, and 2 open aa meetings a week, plus SR every single night, I was very sick. Besides seeing a therapist. Yes sometimes we had newcomers that spoke of their troubles with their addicts and sometimes we didn't. No one judged anyone on what they needed to discuss at that meeting. As we do on SR sometimes we just need to clear our heads. There is no right or wrong things to discuss in the 12 step programs, that is what is so amazing about them.

I am happy that you are receiving what you need from your therapist. I needed a lot more help after 34 years with my addict, and these 12 step programs saved my life and many people before me and will for many people after me. I am forever grateful for that. I live these principals in my life everyday. This is the great thing about this world, that we have so many choices in our lives.

I am happy that things are going good for you shredder, you deserve it my friend!