Free2bme888

Almost to D 100, and rethinking my relationship with my partner

I have been dating my ABF for about 3 1/2 years. He is a very heavy drinker and encouraged me very much to drink as much as him for the past three years.… And I did…

At the beginning of our relationship for the first year it was great and also a little bit tumultuous because I found he was very controlling, and being fresh out of a divorce, my boundaries were very blurry. I had never met someone who drink so much and boy was it fun to get wasted !

He initially showered me with lots of dinners out and gifts. About a year into our relationship I broke it off and he wanted the items he bought me back. Speakers. His used extra outside furniture. A pair of earrings .

We each did a three week hiatus without each other and without alcohol. I loved myself and I journaled daily, stating to myself several times I hope I keep my boundaries with him and my alcohol intake.

codependently, getting back together was awesome! He’s a great cook and we both love food. I am 55 and he is 63, I am in very good shape and he is in good shape but has two knee replacements and cannot run like I love to . Of course most of what we liked to do together was drink together.

I have been concerned about the amount I have been drinking with his influence for the past two years and have finally broken free at the end of May from the alcohol .

Last summer we were supposed to buy a house together. He was an “disability“ for his legs which he was milking the insurance company for benefits. There was an incident where he pushed me at an amusement park last August and this was after I was in a terrible accident and had been in physical therapy for five months for my neck .

Once again, I had a lightbulb illuminate my brain and I thought “what the hell am I doing?“ I decided for sure I was not going to live with him. At least for the time being until I thought about it for a while. Unfortunately my house had already been sold and I was temporarily living with him 20 miles from where I used to live and commuting back-and-forth, and driving my children every other week back-and-forth to their schools and activities it was a nightmare . I had already signed on to buy this big house, and he was supposed to get a mortgage to but for some reason I never got any papers from him. After the incident last August, it was very awkward there and I just couldn’t wait to get out. The house that I bought is very expensive and it’s very tough for me to keep it but I can do it by myself .

Not to make this too long, but we are back together and it has been since December that we have had a pretty good relationship. He does not stop wanting to live with me. He brings it up very often, and quite frankly I don’t think I ever want to live with him, but I could date him like I do and come home to my own house most evenings .

My twins are seniors in high school, and I am entering the last chapter of my life .

I love my alone time and I am very comfortable with myself. I love nature, and hiking. I love nature the majestic Rocky Mountains in the United States and would love to travel.

Although he doesn’t think I ever had a problem ( but he thinks drinking 7 to 10 bourbon and sodas once a week and drinking beer and or wine and or hard liquor every night the rest of the week is normal ) he has been very supportive, but still drinks in front of me.

I know he has absolutely no intention of ever not drinking .

His controlling issues seem to be subdued at this time, but I’m afraid if I live with him, he will use all of my money and try to control me and I might fall back into drinking .

So here’s the long and short of it folks:

Has anyone of you here felt like the partnerships you are/were in are no longer giving you what you need as a sober person/someone who doesn’t drink anymore?

Anyone here, like me, like time with themselves? I’m just thinking it’s so important for me to really find me for a while but I don’t want to break his heart. He has been very Good to me and has been overall good to my children . I guess some of his rotten points are sticking in my head though.

Thanks SR family��

Free2bme888

Ok. For those who don’t need all the background information, and if I am true and honest with myself, you really only need to read the last three paragraphs

Dee74

Hi Free

I usually urge caution with changes - I was a million different people my first 90 days - after there there was more and more an emotionally constancy there that meant I could assess things and not feel like I'd change my mind
tomorrow

so at 100 days you'd be just through that initial who am I deliberations.

I'm not a relationships counsellor tho - only you can truly know whether you think your needs are being met in your relationship, or ever will be.

btw, I don't believe anyone can ever make you drink - I think that's just the AV chiming in looking for an angle...

I wish you clarity and strength to make the right decision for you and your kids

D

ElizaD

Hi Free
I suspect a lot of us, myself included, know how you feel. When you quit drinking, you start things with much more clarity and you rethink your relationships. When one person quits and the other person continues drinking heavily it might become a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I think as women we tend to feel sorry for the other person instead of doing what is best for ourselves too.

MissOverIt

Hi there. I’m glad you shared and I agree with Eliza’s post. I think you know what to do at this time. Trust your gut, keep your own space and continue dating if it stays healthy but please put yourself first. That’s just my opinion. Hugs!

MissOverIt

Also, congrats on almost 100 days!!

Free2bme888

Thanks!

I appreciate your comments and thoughts everyone. I just really felt good to put that down on paper/computer screen

I do take sole responsibility for drinking so much, but I do think that we assimilate to the people that we hang around sometimes, especially if our boundaries are not solid… I. E., Soon after a divorce etc.

The dynamics of our relationship have changed, and I realize I am the instigator of that change by not drinking. Quite frankly, I am saving my life and I’m so glad that I am. I don’t regret one day.

Thank you all again.

Anna

I love time with myself. And, I have found that it's essential to my recovery.

I agree with Dee. My emotions and feelings about my relationship were all over the place for the first six months or so. It might be an idea to give yourself a little more time to decide, but ultimately you know what's right for you.

venuscat

Hi Free

We are the same age love and I am also rocking it....usually fit (sick right now) and youthful. Not that that matters..... But it does feel good.

Wow...first of all, yes. I desperately need time to myself as well. And very much like it....and that is exactly what I am doing right now....

Ultimately, I could not be in a relationship with someone who wanted to drink that much...and daily. I just couldn't. Can't. It's a very difficult decision though, and I would take as much time as I could to decide....

You sound strong and happy....I think you will work out the right path for you here. ♥

Atlast9999

Hi Free,

I’m 80 days in and feel the same way about my relationship with my husband. Many threads on SR advises against making any major decisions in early sobriety so I have chosen that path. I figure, for myself, that after one year maybe I will have a stronger sense of self and more clarity. For now, I shall stay the course...

I also agree with Dee. I have no idea who I am right now - different days bring a different me.

It is maddening though, isn’t it? Such great times had with a partner and then the facade falls apart once the drinking stops.

Wishing you all the best!

Free2bme888

Thanks! I really appreciate the input

boreas

Q1: I’ve had issues with partnerships ending because I (or the other person) was no longer getting what I need even when drinking (or not) wasn’t the issue. I feel that it is everyone’s right in a relationship to re-evaluate and make decisions accordingly. I say that as it seems in your post that you are feeling like you have “flipped the script” in your relationship with your sobriety, and you are worried about the fairness of that. We all grow and change in many ways throughout our lives, and some relationships survive those changes. Others may not.

Q2: Yes, yes, and yes! I cherish my alone time. I often feel emptied after too much interaction with others/meeting everyone’s needs, and that time is a chance to recharge. It isn’t selfish...that’s just what I need in order to rebuild my reserves so I have something to give.

It seems from your post that there were empty spots in your relationship prior to your sobriety. All relationships have them, and for me it is often tough to figure out what empty spaces I can live with, and which are deal breakers. It also strikes me that there is no one pushing for a change in the status quo except BF, and no one who stands to benefit from the proposed new arrangement as much as BF. That in itself is something to ponder.

Congratulations on sobriety, and on ushering twins to high school. None of that is easy. Sounds like you have the potential for lots of changes in your life over the next few years, with the parenting burdens becoming lighter and your love of travel. Mine just entered 11th grade, and I know my life will change as he grows into his. You are wise to look to the future while you consider the present. Best wishes on your path forward.

-bora

Free2bme888

Thanks bora. A very nicely thought out response.

Good food for thought

DontRemember

My back/forth toxic relationship 'kept me drinking'. It was I that did the drinking,but once I started working on myself/sobriety I knew she wasn't for me and hadn't been for many years. A couple of AA buddys told me "wait a year and see where you're at"..solid advice,sure..BUT.. I was done and had been done for a long while. She too was done and it was painfully obvious to our friends how unhappy we both were. While I understand the importance of 'waiting' for the mental stability that comes with sobriety, there was nothing left for me to wait for and I didn't care to deal with her drinking any longer.

Ladysadie

Boreas is on point with her response. Relationships change, not always for the good. I am in a relationship with a heavy drinker as well, and he is NOT supportive of my attempts to stop drinking. We don't live together 24/7 as he has his place and I have mine (we live three hours driving distance from each other), and that's just fine with me. I need my alone time to recharge as well, he doesn't seem to require it although he maintains some golfing buddies so that works too.

Congrats on your 100 days! Awesome! I think relationships don't have to be "all in" to work. I hope for your sake you risk nothing more financially, that you preserve your savings and retirement accounts. My advice is to keep your finances separate. Good for you for staying strong!

red3215

Red flags everywhere with this guy. I did a copy and paste from the first half of your post of the things that jump out at me most.

He is a very heavy drinker

and encouraged me very much to drink as much as him

it was great and also a little bit tumultuous because I found he was very controlling

being fresh out of a divorce, my boundaries were very blurry

he wanted the items he bought me back

stating to myself several times I hope I keep my boundaries with him

codependently, getting back together was awesome

He was an “disability“ for his legs which he was milking the insurance company for benefits

he pushed me at an amusement park last August and this was after I was in a terrible accident (That's pretty bad!!)

I decided for sure I was not going to live with him

...Yes your emotions will be all over the place as you sober up but it's not like you have no grasp of reality at all. Go over your post carefully and imagine it's someone else's post. What would your response be? That might help.

Congratulations on your sobriety, and best of luck!

Branches

Ummmmmm, What Red3215 said.

I know from a long-ago highly dysfunctional relationship that it's easy to mix up compassion/pity for love.

You are choosing to have a healthier life mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually by not drinking. Wouldn't it be great to have a partner who was like minded? Think about that for a minute.

Whereas it might make sense to wait for a year of sobriety before moving across the country, one doesn't have to wait a year to move out of a run-down, apartment with roach infestation to a clean, beautiful new place in a safe part of town.

Most importantly, IMO, you are not married to this guy. Don't impose on yourself the commitment obligations thereof. Even if you were, a guy who pushes you down in public, injured or not, would be , in my estimation, a ripe candidate to be an ex-husband, drinking or not.

Congratulations on your 100 days! Wishing you the best life ahead.

Delilah1

Hello,

First, congrats on 100 days, and two seniors in HS, lots to celebrate there.

I know it's difficult to make decisions early on, but there are a few red flags, at least to me. The biggest one is him pushing you while at an amusement park. That is never okay, under any circumstance.

It sounds like you are doing well on your own, maybe taking some time just to get to know you for a bit would be helpful.

Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of love and happiness in the future.

soberandhonest

Hi Free! Congratulations on 100 days. That is awesome! Keep it going.

For me, I would never have gotten or stayed sober if my significant other drank excessively. My girlfriend/fiance drinks, but she is a very normal drinker (a glass of wine a couple days per week) and she is very supportive of me. She quit for a bit while I was in early recovery. Now that I have significant time in recovery, she drinks when she wants in front of me, which is how I want it and, again, is still only the occasional drink. I've always been amazed at people whose spouse or significant other was an alcoholic and they still managed to quit. I think you deserve extra credit for the strength and resolve it took to accomplish that!

In any event, I think that the advice above is probably right. I'd give it some time in order for your thoughts and emotions to fully sort themselves. However, Delilah's comment about physical abuse is spot on. There is never, ever any justification for that and it is rare for a dude to only do this once. Being a drunk and abusive are two separate issues and the first never excuses the second. If there is any abuse at all, call the police, end the relationship, get a restraining order, and move on with your life.

Finally, yes, in sobriety, I definitely need and want my alone time! I think that we learn to appreciate ourselves a bit more in sobriety.

Good luck to you and great job on your sobriety!

Free2bme888

Thank you so much for feedback Delilah.

Last night we had another discussion, because about three weeks ago he said “this is not working for me“.



He said there is something wrong with the relationship if I don’t move forward and want to live together. Since we have dated 3.5 years. He wants a promise ( as I did say I’d live with him after the kids are done with high school—but that’s when I was drinking). Because of the length of time and because I’m hesitant he feels I’m effing him around.

For me, there are there things that come into play that I’m afraid of besides having been married three times before.

He has a little tiny dog, that used to eat at the table and used to sleep in his bed and to sleep in his bed when I am not at his house. But I grew up on a farm and dogs weren’t meant to be in the kitchen eating at the table or in our beds around the furniture no matter what size they were . I’m not saying his way is wrong or that licking his dog on the lips is wrong it’s just the way a lot of people enmesh with their dogs these days . I get it, I totally get it. Dogs do not disappoint they are your friends no matter what and they greet you with the best of greetings when you get home from work or from wherever you were .

The other thing is his ex-wife. She takes him to court for everything and in my country in the United States, if there is alimony still being paid out which it is for three more years, she can go after my money as well. His adult children’s most of them even though they are passed college still ask him for money but he still pays for all of their medical bills and their insurance premiums. The insurance premiums are court ordered, but one of his children are 25 years old has a profession of her own and now she is billing him the cost from her employer every month even though she can well afford it on her own. His son also wanted him at 63 years old to cosign for him another graduate school loan. And he did finally put his foot down and say no. I think the kids don’t like me because no one wants their parent to be with someone else unless I’m mistaken. But it sure would be nice to date someone who’s kids at least are friendly to me . I must say the youngest one did text me a happy birthday wish earlier this month which was very nice .

Anyone out there who is a dog lover who is in love with a non-dog lover, or has a second or third marriage and all the baggage that comes with it ( mean ex spouses and adult children) who either feel successful or not successful in their marriage/relationship—can you please respond and give me some input too?