Mellybug2018

Yesterday I finally blocked his number. It was the 12 year anniversary of my father’s death and my diagnosis of cancer - yes, my dad died of cancer and a few hours later my doctor called with my own cancer diagnosis. On top of that I was dealing with a lot of problems at work, and wasn’t in a great place emotionally.
When my AXBF texted his usual morning “Hope you have a great day!” I just let it go. Then came the follow up texts which I also ignored. Finally I texted back that I was having a very bad day, I didn’t want to/ was unable to text and warned that I was in a really bad mood. I guess I stupidly believed that he would be respectful of that.
He is going to see family this weekend he hasn’t seen for a while, and is nervous they are going to confront him in his drinking. He had called his brother in a drunken state right after I broke up with him and the next day called his mom sloshed on her birthday and she called him a drunk. He’s nervous and scared and “wants someone on his side” so he keeps saying he wants me to go. I keep saying no.
I’ve stated that I won’t even consider dating him until he has a minimum of 6 months sobriety and is actively in recovery, but he feels that since he won’t be drinking for the 3 days at his parents’ house that he can show me he is a good person.
Long story longer, he kept texting me that he wants me to go and all of these reasons why it will be a good idea. I finally snapped and texted back, saying that we are not dating, I’m not going and that’s final. I pointed out that I had warned him about my bad mood, and he has disrespected me yet again and that was the final straw for me. I told him I was putting my phone on Do Not Disturb and wouldn’t be responding again.
What I didn’t realize is that putting the phone on DND doesn’t stop texts from coming in, I just don’t hear the notification! He responded with a “Fine! Jesus!” Realizing my technological ignorance I just blocked his number.
Instant relief!!! No more crazy texts! No more drama! I finished out the work day and went home.
Once home I realized that I actually missed the connection. I unblocked his number for about 10 minutes, then realized that is MY addiction to this person. I blocked his number again and reached out to friends, played with my dog, and had a nice evening.
I am struggling with the feelings. I recognize them logically, but the feelings still hurt. How could I abandon someone who is so obviously sick, confused, scared and hurting? I remind myself that I had felt all of those things during our relationship as a result of his drinking - and he wasn’t there for me, so why would I feel bad about not being there for him? Also, wouldn’t that be enabling? Not allowing him to face the consequences of his drinking?
I resisted going no contact because I knew I would have to face my feelings, but I did it anyway. In spite of the pain, I also feel relief. No crazy texts, no manipulation, no anxiety. I feel like I can finally breathe.
One last note - I lost it last night and cried so hard. I realized that I had really wanted the dream of the marriage and partnership with this guy, and acknowledged that I had to let that go. It wasn’t letting go of HIM that had me so reluctant to give up - it was letting go of “the dream.” I had always wanted to have a happy marriage, and at the beginning of the relationship I thought that would finally be a possibility. I recognize now that it is not, so I have to grieve the loss of that dream (at this time).
Now it is time for my own healing. I will focus on myself, work through the emotions, and learn to fall in love with myself again.
Thanks for reading.

dawnrising

Very very proud of you. This is really hard stuff and there will be setbacks. You're gonna have some grieving to do, be kind to yourself. There is truth in that saying "when you know better you do better." One of the things that has helped me is telling myself "would you want this for your (fill in the blank for me its my daughter, it could be a friend, a sister, a mom, a niece whatever) and if you wouldn't want if for them..... you shouldn't accept it for yourself. That also goes for forgiveness and softness for yourself ex. - if you wouldn't say, judge, get impatient with them , dont do it to yourself. Much love you are doing great!

FireSprite

I think you'd get a lot out of the article referenced in this thread (and the replies to the OP):


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...addiction.html (Intervention for the Codependent: Love Addiction)

trailmix

Abandon is kind of a big word for what you are doing. In fact you aren't tending to his needs right now but he is not a child. He isn't going to the gallows, he's just going to see his family.

If you mean on a more global scale, blocking him, well it sounds like you are at the end of your rope. You are carrying him from the sounds of it. Have you got the stamina to continue? Do you want to continue? You want marriage and a family, can you achieve that goal by being with him? I don't even mean as a romantic interest, I mean as a "friend" or "support". Can you move on to a great relationship with him still in the picture. Do you want to sacrifice yourself to care for him?

You obviously don't hate him, or maybe even dislike him, so if you think perhaps you should have more resentment because of his previous behaviour well, that's not the way you are apparently, so I wouldn't even worry about that.

What you might want to look at is why you would let yourself be treated in less than a kind manner. Even in the exchange you just had. You had your reasons for needing some support and perhaps a bit of kindness, did he ask what was up? Did he ask why you are having a bad day? No. Not a word about it, it's all about him.

Honestly, he wants to show you he is a great guy by being sober for 3 days? What is that?

Mellybug2018

Both of these things!
The first paragraph - exactly...why WOULD I allow myself to be treated this way? No, he didn't ask why I was having a bad day. All he did was talk about HIS needs, which is probably why I finally snapped and blocked him. I think it finally sunk in that I will ALWAYS take a back seat to his wants/needs, because that is the overall theme of how our relationship was going. What he wanted was to drink - and for me to take care of all of the other stuff that got in the way of his drinking.

Yes, I noticed that his idea of "showing" me he was serious about being in recovery and not drinking anymore was to have me to someplace with him where he COULD NOT drink (his parents would NOT allow that at their house). Ummm...?

It's been hard on and off today - but it helps that since people have found out that we've split they've told me a lot of things about him that I never knew (he used to work here before he was fired for having a bad attitude). Honestly, I wish someone would have told me some of these things sooner - it would have saved me a bit of angst over this breakup and allowed me to be able to go No Contact sooner...but it is what it is and here we are now.

Every minute of the day I'm happier with my decision to leave. It's not HIM I miss, it's the habit of the connection that we had (talking multiple times a day). I don't have any "warm fuzzy" feelings about him at all...in fact, I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I let it get so bad. Being kind to myself I admit that I'm just disgusted by HIM. The thought of him makes me a bit queasy. Yep - I dated that and planned a life with that.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone!

Mel

maia1234

Melly,
When you finally step back and look at the big picture you realize that it is not about you being the selfish person here.

I remember about a year after my divorce axh called and wanted to go for coffee. I was like ok??? He wanted to come to my work, see the people I work with and check everything out. It was really weird. We went to get coffee, of course I paid (ugh) and he sat for a half an hour talking about himself. I went back to work and thought what did he really want, I was so confused. He text me later apologizing that all he did was talk about himself. I agreed and said that I had noticed the conversation was all about him. Ugh... when do you learn?

In the big picture of life everything is always about the addict. I don't think that you did anything wrong. He wouldn't listen to you and you blocked him.

Hugs and be kind to yourself!!

Mellybug2018

I messed up - I unblocked him for just an hour. I thought with things cooled off it would be ok. Nope! I was SO very wrong.
I’ve never had anyone claim they love me and call me a piece of sh*t, tell me I’m selfish, and say the most horrid things to me in the same conversation.
I unleashed all of the anger I had pent up, told him I never wanted to ever talk to him or see him again, and said he could pick his stuff up from the storage unit before next Saturday and the locks will be changed by then. Anything not out will be considered “abandoned” and become my property.
Then I blocked him again, deleted him from my social media, and deleted ALL of the photos of him from my phone.
I called my best friend (a guy) and told him what happened. He and his buddy (a very lovable and LARGE man) are going to pick up my ex’s stuff tomorrow and take it to his house - and change the locks on the storage unit tomorrow, just so I don’t ever have to deal with him again.
I’m so very grateful to them...
Oh, boy, did I learn a hard lesson today! No contact means NO CONTACT! I did say in my second to last text that I truly do wish him all the best, and I hope he is able to wake up one day with all of this behind him. His reply, “I hope I wake up and never have to deal with you again.”
That’s when I told him that he never has to, and about the storage unit.
Holy crap, but it felt so good to get that anger out! Healthy? Probably not...but it still felt good.
Now I’m focusing on myself, my health, my dog, and making plans with friends and family. My mom has been very gracious about the situation - in the past she would have come down on me for my bad decisions. So that’s another positive!
Thanks again for being there for me, forum friends!

maia1234

Melly,
Wonderful news!! Make plans to stay busy, get rid of his stuff so he doesn't damage or steal any of your stuff.

There should be no reason to unblock him as I am sure there is going to be a few more very mean texts that you are not ready to hear.

Protect yourself, as you never know what an angry drunk will do.