Renvate

Hello everyone. Long time no check in only because I have had cheat days.

I went 2 months sober (it was difficult) and then slipped. Month later slipped again. Then in two weeks.

Put simply the process has begun.

I got drunk last night again two bottles of Champagne and 4 beer's.

That makes it every 2nd day Iam drinking again for the last week.

Iam still looking super healthy but psychologically Iam not.

Iam house sitting and Ive been walled up in my own for two days now, All I do is look at the ceiling in turn that lead me to drink last night.

So here we go day 1 all over again.

When I was at my lowest 3 months ago I had a type of epiphany, I made do many healthy choices. But now I've thrown it all away.

DontRemember

Own your stuff..."It's" not starting up again. You're simply drinking again. Seriously..own it and work an actioned based plan to stop YOUR drinking. "it' does not open a bottle and bend your elbow. Own it and fix it, if that's what YOU want to do.

Renvate

What you said were my thoughts also. I meant "it's starting up again" as in the process to everyday drinking.

Ive already faced the choices and I know I can choose to not drink, I've done it before.

These binges wee just plain selfeshnes

Dee74

I believed in you the first time you got and stayed sober renvate and I believe in you now ")

you can work on whatever is making it hard for you to commit to making sobriety permanent later ..... but the priority now is to get back to being securely sober, I think?

you can do this

D

Renvate

Your message is highly appreciated Dee, thankyou.

I've created and tapped into the will and discipline in myself before I can do it again.

Tbh I am not sure why iam going back to old habits. Well, I guess only because it's a psychological comfort zone and a familiar place. I seem to crave That few hours of numbness from lifes emotions and thoughts, seriously my head is a like a fireworks show and over the years I've realised iam a very emotionally deep person, i think and think and think until I either drink or force myself to sleep. But being a man I obviously surpress what I think and the emotions that come with it in society and family.

Anyway thanks again for the comment.

Dee74

I can only share my experience - when I stopped drinking life got good - but not great and I swallowed the hook again and again that good life + booze might = great.

After a while, even tho I accepted it wasn't true, I clung to that idea desperately because the only alternative seemed to be a long hard slog.

Getting sober was hard - and building a new soberlife was even harder - but I had accepted that as my only viable choice.

My inner addict tried every tactic in the book - fear of never having fun again, of being alone, impatience at having to wait for results, anger at having to deny myself, envy at other's drinking...

Once you realise thats just a mental manifestation of a voice and it has no actual power - unless you let it - it gets a lot easier.

I've not heard that voice in years.

I thought it would take years for me to start to love life again - if at all - but it was maybe 3 or 4 months?

against the nearly 30 years I spent getting wasted that was a good deal.

You often hear in AA 'don't leave before the miracle happens' - I think thats good advice for any of us...there is a miracle, waiting..

D

Renvate

Tone of voice - normal discussion.

iam nearing my thirties and in all honesty I don't even have fun with alcohol anymore. Parties, bars, live music, it all doesn't matter etc

But what I really enjoy is downing grog and listening to music for hours, especially on my own. - this is no doubt a bad habit.

And In my 2 months of sober I had uncovered that my head is an absolute mess. Stopping drinking was easyish, it was dealing with this mess that I have found to be challenging.

This mess in my head can be seen by the mess in my house, I always clean up but everything just explodes again, and laytly I've been finding it harder to clean up, it's like there is a barrier.

I remember i dated a girl in my early twenties who happened to be an alcoholic. Her room was a pigsty, and every time I asked her to clean up she said that she physically couldn't do it. I wonder if this was due to alcoholism or it reflected her emotional issues she had back then.

MantaLady

I was exactly the same Renavate! My house had become a total mess and I just couldn’t get the motivation to straighten it out, it was just too much and too overwhelming. The emotional element I also identify with, I did not deal with any emotions so firstly did not learn to recognise what they were. This meant I never really knew how I felt, I just knew I felt $hit and a drink would make that feeling go away for a bit. Until I started learning how to recognise my emotions and what I was actually feeling I was fighting a losing battle. Mindfulness and meditation has helped a great deal as I too overthink everything and wear myself out turning negative situations over and over in my head. Learning to let thoughts pass through my mind without grabbing onto them and accepting that I am not my thoughts, that they are just thoughts and not reality and I don’t have to act on them. In rehab I learned to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and also realise that they pass, it was hard to feel them all and not self medicate and at times I was angry and like a raging bull but it passed, I survived them and each time I did that I started to learn that all things pass.

Best of luck xx

doggonecarl

And done what to fix it?

Abstinence is putting down the drink. But drinking is usually just a symptom of the problem. Recovery is addressing the problem.

Renvate

This is the point, once you put down the drink you uncover everything and see it in full view then realise why you drink.

So far I've learned to separate the two. I've gotten used to feeling crap while sober.

Now it's PROBLEMS -- me -- DRINKING

Before it used to be PROBLEMS/DRmeINKING

If that makes sense.

In regards to fixing my thoughts , iam at a loss where to start.

Midwest1981

my mind really quieted down in sobriety. It took awhile but all those racing thoughts eased up and then went away. I exercise every day and that helps me a lot too. Also have you ever did mindful meditation? there are some good youtube videos. Also maybe a therapist? someone to talk too?

doggonecarl

I would suggest seeing a mental health specialist. And if it's alcoholism, the fellowship of AA or some other substance abuse program.

Unshackled

This post was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Renvate I have been exactly where you are at with the relapsing and cluttered mind but can tell you that at some point if you stick with being sober you will turn a corner where life eases up. I have been sober almost a year before and slipped. I still can't believe I drank because life was so good. I am on Day 14 now and am determined to get back to freedom and good days again. Stick with sobriety and I can almost guarantee you your mind will unclutter itself.

Anna

Renvate, it's important right now for you to believe in yourself. This disease of alcoholism will try to keep you down, but know that you can do this. Take some time to figure out what you can do to avoid the relapses you were having. What do you need to add to your plan?

Fearlessat50

It is amazing what we become aware of about ourselves when we stop drinking. Some parts of my awareness were horrifying. Therapy really helped me get to the bottom of a lot. I am a completely different person now. It’s taken a few years of relapsing and now almost two years of sobriety and I am so much better. I still have to work at rewiring my brain and fixing those old thoughts. Maybe therapy is an option for you?

aasharon90

All those wine, beers, champagne bottles
or cans, pretty packages are not going anywhere.
It's an industry that keeps on ticking, making
money and doesn't care who or what it affects.

It has no feelings who it takes out day after
day. Whether it makes you sick or not.

When I was taught about alcohol and drugs
and how it affects my mind body and soul, all
the poison that I was drinking, destroying all
my inside organs from head to toe, realizing
it was killing me quickly and had had enough
of it, I let it go.

I had to. But I didn't have to let it go all
by myself without help. Help from many
knowledgeable about addiction and them
teaching me about it and giving me a program
of recovery to incorporate continuously on
a daily bases as a guideline to help me remain
sober for the past 28 yrs.

I continue to remain teachable, willing to
do the footwork on my self and in life to
achieve a healthy, happy honest way of
life.

Finding and holding on to a support system
so that we never have to go thru anything
alone or by ourselves again in comforting.

SR is here for you with many who are caring,
supportive and understanding to help you
move forward in leaving the poison behind
you, accepting that it's harmful and dangerous
to your health and that you want to be turn
your life around to achieve many amazing
gifts in living a recovery way of life.

Dee74

How are you doing today Renvate?

D

Renvate

Thanks Dee and everyone, iam feeling just my normal self atm.

Out of everything I've still made great progress in my life. I have lost a heap of weight due to exercising, I have made progress at work. I stopped going bald because I stopped drinking continuously for those 2 months (every single day was a binge)

I have regained enthusiasm for work and responsibility and discipline and I will loose it all again if I get back to old habits.

But all this is just a foundation for my next goal. At the moment Iam sailing without a goal. Perhaps I need some time to figure this out.

Dee74

not drinking, and learning to love not drinking, was a pretty commendable goal for me

D