Reality setting in. . .

Old 08-30-2018, 04:18 PM
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Reality setting in. . .

So today I got an email from my lawyer's office asking me to review the final judgement for our divorce. As I am going through this I'm excited to finally be fully free from this horrible man but then I get to part regarding visitation with the kids then my stomach turns. I regret agreeing to letting him take 2 out of town trips a year. I began to cry because I am already worrying about this. My kids have never been out of the county without me. I dont have any type of trust in my STBAXH or his family. But I try to remind myself that it's better than him keeping them over night. Reminder of the stipulations regarding visitation:

1. Visitation on the 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend from 8am-4pm.
2. No alcohol intake 12 hours prior and during visitation.
3. No alcohol present while children are visiting.
4. Respondent is subject to alcohol testing [Location of testing site inserted]. After 3 failed test, visitation will be supervised.
5. Respondent is able to take 2 yearly trips with minor children. Time will be extended to 7pm on those days.
6. No overnight visits.
7. The following family members are permitted to accompany Respondent/ Father and minor children on trips: {List of all people who live with him in the house: XMIL, XFIL, XBIL, nephew and XBIL's girlfriend**.
8. Respondent/Father must be present during the entire visit.
9. If children are ill they will stay in the mother's care.
10. Joint legal and sole physical to mother.

I want this divorce to be over I just wish the visitation schedule would stay the same as it is for now. I know I am doing the right thing by agreeing to letting him take them out of town for the day but this is so hard. I just need some positive words right now.
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Old 08-30-2018, 04:28 PM
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I know how hard this is. (((HUGS)))

I was a wreck for a while regarding visitation, but all in all, it was fine. In fact, after a few years, he started slacking on visitation and by the time our daughter was 12 years old, he pretty much stopped getting her altogether.

Those stipulations in your agreement are actually pretty good...better than mine were. It is rare that we get everything we want in a divorce, especially when kids are involved, but it looks like you did very well.

I'm sure everything will be fine, but if not, you can always take him back to court. Nothing is forever when it comes to child custody/visitation. Again, (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-30-2018, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I know how hard this is. (((HUGS)))

I was a wreck for a while regarding visitation, but all in all, it was fine. In fact, after a few years, he started slacking on visitation and by the time our daughter was 12 years old, he pretty much stopped getting her altogether.

Those stipulations in your agreement are actually pretty good...better than mine were. It is rare that we get everything we want in a divorce, especially when kids are involved, but it looks like you did very well.

I'm sure everything will be fine, but if not, you can always take him back to court. Nothing is forever when it comes to child custody/visitation. Again, (((HUGS)))
I try to tell myself that I pretty got everything that I want house, car, the majority of the time with kids. But the only thing I care about is my kids. I want the best for them. The environment at their father's isn't the best from them but I'm hoping with these stipulations it will force him to clean up or not. If not then his visitation will be effected.
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Old 08-30-2018, 06:10 PM
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i'd say you got a "good" deal, compared to how things could have gone. i know you are worried, but the agreement has MANY protections in place, as well as outs if he messes up in some way.

also there are very few months in a year that HAVE a fifth weekend. like 4-5 per year. so there will be many months when he only gets them two times.

he gets them for a few hours at a time......no overnights. yes they can go on "trips" - but they can't go too far within the time frame. and really.....you think dude is going to orchestrate a TRIP to a destination and all that is entailed? also he only gets 2 one day trips beyond the zipcode.

you really are most fortunate....there have been horror stories here from members who got none of these restrictions.
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Old 08-30-2018, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i'd say you got a "good" deal, compared to how things could have gone. i know you are worried, but the agreement has MANY protections in place, as well as outs if he messes up in some way.

also there are very few months in a year that HAVE a fifth weekend. like 4-5 per year. so there will be many months when he only gets them two times.

he gets them for a few hours at a time......no overnights. yes they can go on "trips" - but they can't go too far within the time frame. and really.....you think dude is going to orchestrate a TRIP to a destination and all that is entailed? also he only gets 2 one day trips beyond the zipcode.

you really are most fortunate....there have been horror stories here from members who got none of these restrictions.
Yes you are right. I guess it's the fear of the unknown. As many of you know dealing with an active alcoholic comes with unpredictability. It sucks that I have still monitor his alcohol in-take when he is with my kids. I just know that I have enforce works on our divorce decree. But overall I know I have a good deal. I guess it will take time to adjust.
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Old 08-31-2018, 12:21 PM
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That future tripping will get the best of us every stinking time.

Cannot tell you how many times I worried about my girls going off with their dad, and finding out that their weekend plans never panned out. Seems all those plans ended up on the back burner the minute it did not benefit him.

Your kids will not always be little, and as they grow they will be able to express their likes, dislikes, and concerns. And before you know it, they will be able to participate in school activities, and sports, and his visits will be revolving around their schedules of activities.

I know it’s easier said than done, and I know too well how unpredictable an active alcoholic ‘s life can be, and unless your kids safety has/ is continually compromised, ( sorry, I don’t remember your whole story) best to take a huge leap of faith, and trust that he will not allow any harm come to them on his watch.

I would end up with painful bouts of gastritis, worrying about matters that were completely out of my control. I had to remind myself that ex husband truly loved his girls, and him being a s*ittyhusband had nothing to do with caring for his kids.

Just keep going forward, breathe, breathe , breathe.
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Old 08-31-2018, 02:19 PM
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Mamabear,

That looks like a pretty good schedule from here. I have dealt with a very unstable XAH for years now. My youngest was 3 when I first left. So I totally understand your apprehension.

Just remember that these rules are there to protect your kiddos, but they have not been written in stone. If he messes up, document it and take him back to court and get more strict rules put in place.

My XAH does not have any current visitation with either or my boys. Yesterday was his birthday. My mom was worried that he might show up to football practice while we left for a walk. I just told her, its okay. I have a court order and that if he shows up, my son would be upset but okay because the coaches would not let him do anything. It would just be another thing to document why he should not be seeing them.

You got this, there may be scary bumps in your road but you will navigate them because that is what Mamabears do.

4MyBoys
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Old 08-31-2018, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
That future tripping will get the best of us every stinking time.

Cannot tell you how many times I worried about my girls going off with their dad, and finding out that their weekend plans never panned out. Seems all those plans ended up on the back burner the minute it did not benefit him.

Your kids will not always be little, and as they grow they will be able to express their likes, dislikes, and concerns. And before you know it, they will be able to participate in school activities, and sports, and his visits will be revolving around their schedules of activities.

I know it’s easier said than done, and I know too well how unpredictable an active alcoholic ‘s life can be, and unless your kids safety has/ is continually compromised, ( sorry, I don’t remember your whole story) best to take a huge leap of faith, and trust that he will not allow any harm come to them on his watch.

I would end up with painful bouts of gastritis, worrying about matters that were completely out of my control. I had to remind myself that ex husband truly loved his girls, and him being a s*ittyhusband had nothing to do with caring for his kids.

Just keep going forward, breathe, breathe , breathe.
Thank you for the positive words Marie. I do believe my X loves the kids but he loves himself more. My kids are currently involved in sports and activities and he still doesn't show up for them. He was a sh*ty husband and father. When he feels like the world is against him he drinks. When is around certain people to try and act cool he drinks. When he is feeling sad and lonely he drinks. When he is happy he drinks. His drinking will always be a concern. After all these years I have learned not to have any Faith in him, its become impossible.

My STBAXH list of priorities:

1. Smoking and drinking.
2. Women
3. Kids

It has become a pattern and I have caught on. My heartbreaks for my kids because they deserve the best Dad. He has 2 beautiful healthy kids and he chooses not to straighten up and do right by them. So therefore, I'm a mess and have a big ball of stress in my stomach when they are with him.
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Old 08-31-2018, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by 4MyBoys View Post
Mamabear,

That looks like a pretty good schedule from here. I have dealt with a very unstable XAH for years now. My youngest was 3 when I first left. So I totally understand your apprehension.

Just remember that these rules are there to protect your kiddos, but they have not been written in stone. If he messes up, document it and take him back to court and get more strict rules put in place.

My XAH does not have any current visitation with either or my boys. Yesterday was his birthday. My mom was worried that he might show up to football practice while we left for a walk. I just told her, its okay. I have a court order and that if he shows up, my son would be upset but okay because the coaches would not let him do anything. It would just be another thing to document why he should not be seeing them.

You got this, there may be scary bumps in your road but you will navigate them because that is what Mamabears do.

4MyBoys
Yes, I have learned that documenting is the best thing to do. I have been documenting for the last few years now and saving text messages. Im glad that I have the stipulation added but at the same times it sucks because I have to play police woman and enforce them. I have no problem doing that I just hate being in this cycle with him where I have to monitor his alcohol in take.

When it comes to our kids we all turn into Mamabears : )
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Old 09-01-2018, 07:49 AM
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You've got a very strict parenting order that puts a lot of walls around your ex's ability to do anything that hurts the kids. You can never control the entirely unpredictable, but I would say you're in as good shape as anyone could be who has to share parenting with an addict. I empathize with your situation a lot!
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Old 09-01-2018, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
You've got a very strict parenting order that puts a lot of walls around your ex's ability to do anything that hurts the kids. You can never control the entirely unpredictable, but I would say you're in as good shape as anyone could be who has to share parenting with an addict. I empathize with your situation a lot!
Thank you. I just hope he follows everything accordingly for my kids sake.
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