I'm sober, boyfriend is not
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 128
I'm sober, boyfriend is not
Hey guys, I think I've posted something similar before but coming at it from a different angle now.
So I've been sober for about 4 months. My boyfriend is not sober, but is also not an alcoholic. He can easily have 1-2 drinks and then stop. His personality does not change when he drinks. I don't and have never thought that he's an alcoholic.
I stopped drinking in April and it was a big lifestyle change for us. We used to go out to bars 3-4 times a week. When I got sober I asked him not to drink in the house and he respected that. However, I've noticed over the summer he will often still go out to bars. Now I'd say it's about 4 times a week. Again, he never comes home trashed or really even tipsy. But I have a hunch that when he says he's "going out with the co workers," he's really just going out alone. I can't prove this, but it's just a feeling.
I have this nervous feeling in the bottom of my stomach that he's becoming dependent on alcohol. Again- it's nowhere to the level that my drinking was. And he CAN STOP. But the fact that he always seems to need or want a beer...it just doesn't sit right with me.
Should I let it go, or is this the sign of a problem starting?
Disclaimer: He has no history of alcohol or drug abuse in his family. Unlike my family, which is literally more than 50% alcoholics.
So I've been sober for about 4 months. My boyfriend is not sober, but is also not an alcoholic. He can easily have 1-2 drinks and then stop. His personality does not change when he drinks. I don't and have never thought that he's an alcoholic.
I stopped drinking in April and it was a big lifestyle change for us. We used to go out to bars 3-4 times a week. When I got sober I asked him not to drink in the house and he respected that. However, I've noticed over the summer he will often still go out to bars. Now I'd say it's about 4 times a week. Again, he never comes home trashed or really even tipsy. But I have a hunch that when he says he's "going out with the co workers," he's really just going out alone. I can't prove this, but it's just a feeling.
I have this nervous feeling in the bottom of my stomach that he's becoming dependent on alcohol. Again- it's nowhere to the level that my drinking was. And he CAN STOP. But the fact that he always seems to need or want a beer...it just doesn't sit right with me.
Should I let it go, or is this the sign of a problem starting?
Disclaimer: He has no history of alcohol or drug abuse in his family. Unlike my family, which is literally more than 50% alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
That is totally your call as you are living in the situation.
When I got sober, my BF (at the time) was a normie... I know I do not want to be with someone who drinks AT ALL, so he had to go ( we were together for 12 years).
There is a little more to it, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
When I got sober, my BF (at the time) was a normie... I know I do not want to be with someone who drinks AT ALL, so he had to go ( we were together for 12 years).
There is a little more to it, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,978
Hi BMB,
I can't say if he is developing a problem or not but from what you said:
He is respecting not to drinking in the house.
He is going out the same amount you two used to.
He tells you that he is going to the bar.
He does not come home drunk or tipsy.
This does not sound like alcoholic behavior to me.
You might want to think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Are you ok with a partner who is going to hang out at a bar 4 nights a week? If not, it's not fare for you are him.
I can't say if he is developing a problem or not but from what you said:
He is respecting not to drinking in the house.
He is going out the same amount you two used to.
He tells you that he is going to the bar.
He does not come home drunk or tipsy.
This does not sound like alcoholic behavior to me.
You might want to think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Are you ok with a partner who is going to hang out at a bar 4 nights a week? If not, it's not fare for you are him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi bringmeback,
In my view, the real question here isn't whether or not he's an alcoholic (only he can truly decide that at the end of the day) - it's whether or not you are okay with him drinking. It may be that you are hyper vigilant about alcoholism since you have such an extensive family history and are going through it yourself, or it may be that he is developing bad habits because he feels he needs to hide it; there's really no way to tell without you putting your sobriety at risk. You know you can't follow him to the bars without being tempted yourself, and regardless, we all know how well it works when others try to police our drinking
The only thing to do is to have a conversation with him about your concerns and perhaps what effect the no-drinking-in-the-house rule has had on him and his habits/social life. It very well could be that you are seeing some of your own habits in him, as most of us didn't start out our alcoholic drinking career by downing bottles of vodka; it begins slowly. That does not, however, mean that every person who drinks is going to develop our debilitating problem.
Just to reiterate, the real issue here is where your true boundaries are. If it's becoming a problem to be around someone who drinks at all, you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship, hopefully with your sobriety taking priority.
In my view, the real question here isn't whether or not he's an alcoholic (only he can truly decide that at the end of the day) - it's whether or not you are okay with him drinking. It may be that you are hyper vigilant about alcoholism since you have such an extensive family history and are going through it yourself, or it may be that he is developing bad habits because he feels he needs to hide it; there's really no way to tell without you putting your sobriety at risk. You know you can't follow him to the bars without being tempted yourself, and regardless, we all know how well it works when others try to police our drinking
The only thing to do is to have a conversation with him about your concerns and perhaps what effect the no-drinking-in-the-house rule has had on him and his habits/social life. It very well could be that you are seeing some of your own habits in him, as most of us didn't start out our alcoholic drinking career by downing bottles of vodka; it begins slowly. That does not, however, mean that every person who drinks is going to develop our debilitating problem.
Just to reiterate, the real issue here is where your true boundaries are. If it's becoming a problem to be around someone who drinks at all, you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship, hopefully with your sobriety taking priority.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I'd say, let it go. Maybe you could come up with some ideas for things for the two of you to do in the evenings. Maybe you could take a course together, do some volunteer work, get involved in community sports - something that you could both enjoy.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
My partners in life have all been non alcoholic drinkers. They drink around me, I go to events with them where alcohol is served. It is not very often, there lives don't include regular visits to the bar. In fact we are mostly happy in each other's company.
As a recovered alcoholic, one of the things I can do is go anywhere. Alcohol or its presence has no bearing on where I can go. In your situation, I would go with him occasionally. It doesn't sound like he drinks alcoholically, so the event should be social and enjoyable which is what I find when I go out with my wife. It is just part of being in the human race. You don't have to go every time, but once in a while should put your mind at rest.
That's what I would do anyway, because I am completely free to do that. It also sounds like you may not be in the same position as me. You are still hiding from alcohol. Maybe you could ask yourself why that is and what you could do about it. I worked through a program of recovery, part of which that it was unnecessary for anyone else to modify their behaviour for my sake. I would guess if you treat your alcoholism, you will no longer find this sort of thing a problem.
As a recovered alcoholic, one of the things I can do is go anywhere. Alcohol or its presence has no bearing on where I can go. In your situation, I would go with him occasionally. It doesn't sound like he drinks alcoholically, so the event should be social and enjoyable which is what I find when I go out with my wife. It is just part of being in the human race. You don't have to go every time, but once in a while should put your mind at rest.
That's what I would do anyway, because I am completely free to do that. It also sounds like you may not be in the same position as me. You are still hiding from alcohol. Maybe you could ask yourself why that is and what you could do about it. I worked through a program of recovery, part of which that it was unnecessary for anyone else to modify their behaviour for my sake. I would guess if you treat your alcoholism, you will no longer find this sort of thing a problem.
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