Helping others
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Helping others
At my SMART meeting this week one of the topics we discussed was helping others.
When very new in recovery we might be incredibly enthusiastic and want to bring everyone else struggling or still addicted along with us for the sobriety trip of a lifetime. We are 'born again' tee-totallers'. This can result in us spending more time trying to help others than helping ourselves, concentrating on our own recovery. If we look at the AA 12 step approach, helping others does not come until step 12 and this I think supports what I have written and for good reasons.
The topic arose due to one contributor at the meeting talking about leaving rehab at the same time as two others. One of these relapsed and the other sadly committed suicide. The contributor had stayed in contact with the two others and tried to support them and therefore felt guilty about what had happened. This fortunately has not caused this person to relapse though arguably it could have and might still do.
In early recovery we need to be selfish, as selfish as we were when drinking, if we are to make it through. When we are very grounded we can then help others. That is not to say words of encouragement should not be given to others if you are in early recovery, not at all. The point I want to make though is save some energy for yourself.
When very new in recovery we might be incredibly enthusiastic and want to bring everyone else struggling or still addicted along with us for the sobriety trip of a lifetime. We are 'born again' tee-totallers'. This can result in us spending more time trying to help others than helping ourselves, concentrating on our own recovery. If we look at the AA 12 step approach, helping others does not come until step 12 and this I think supports what I have written and for good reasons.
The topic arose due to one contributor at the meeting talking about leaving rehab at the same time as two others. One of these relapsed and the other sadly committed suicide. The contributor had stayed in contact with the two others and tried to support them and therefore felt guilty about what had happened. This fortunately has not caused this person to relapse though arguably it could have and might still do.
In early recovery we need to be selfish, as selfish as we were when drinking, if we are to make it through. When we are very grounded we can then help others. That is not to say words of encouragement should not be given to others if you are in early recovery, not at all. The point I want to make though is save some energy for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
This is a really helpful conversation to have, thanks Dec.
I find it hard to accept the help of others, without feeling like I owe them or feeling guilty for taking up their time. I also feel like I should always contribute more here without knowing exactly what to say. Posting is a bit anxiety provoking. I know all of this is about self-worth issues, and I'm working on feeling like I'm important enough to matter.
Part of acceptance for me has been that I need help and just to be grateful that other's, with more experience, are able to offer that. They don't look at it as something that needs to be repaid. It's an amazing thing.
I have decided that I am going to feel good about receiving help and then, when I'm ready, I'm going to offer that help to other's starting out, who need it. Giving back. But not too much, right now. There is a lot of work to do first. Rach xx
Also.....it's a process. I think it's important to understand where we are in that process and take our time to do things the right way
I find it hard to accept the help of others, without feeling like I owe them or feeling guilty for taking up their time. I also feel like I should always contribute more here without knowing exactly what to say. Posting is a bit anxiety provoking. I know all of this is about self-worth issues, and I'm working on feeling like I'm important enough to matter.
Part of acceptance for me has been that I need help and just to be grateful that other's, with more experience, are able to offer that. They don't look at it as something that needs to be repaid. It's an amazing thing.
I have decided that I am going to feel good about receiving help and then, when I'm ready, I'm going to offer that help to other's starting out, who need it. Giving back. But not too much, right now. There is a lot of work to do first. Rach xx
Also.....it's a process. I think it's important to understand where we are in that process and take our time to do things the right way
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
This is a really good point.
Many times I’ve seen people very early in recovery jump into ‘helping others’ almost as a new addiction.
With less sober time themselves than it takes to really BECOME SOBER - they race into saving other people.
Best way to help others is to be an example and the best way to do that is to develop a strong and consistent sober foundation. After a couple of years, having dealt with our own ‘stuff’ and found a stable sense of self, then it may make good sense to step out into a more active helping role.
I’ve done this by speaking at detox meetings, being there as a sober friend to call, I may eventually sponsor.... but for now even in year 5 of sobriety I’m pretty careful about ‘helping’ as I feel sobriety is still... new.
Many times I’ve seen people very early in recovery jump into ‘helping others’ almost as a new addiction.
With less sober time themselves than it takes to really BECOME SOBER - they race into saving other people.
Best way to help others is to be an example and the best way to do that is to develop a strong and consistent sober foundation. After a couple of years, having dealt with our own ‘stuff’ and found a stable sense of self, then it may make good sense to step out into a more active helping role.
I’ve done this by speaking at detox meetings, being there as a sober friend to call, I may eventually sponsor.... but for now even in year 5 of sobriety I’m pretty careful about ‘helping’ as I feel sobriety is still... new.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You are spot on the step 12 is the last one for a reason! Living in service to others is an amazing gift...and one not to be rushed to seize, if you will.
I was told early in my AA days to look for the people who have what I want. What I want is a life in recovery that brings purpose and joy to my world and that enables me to give that to others. Newcomers can have this same spirit, and vets have shown how to live it. At only two and a half years sober, my journey is still young, and the shift to essentially aiming for a life of service has really emerged in the last year.
And self care, not selfishness, has to remain at the base of absolutely everything that I do. Living my program first enables me to benefit others. My recovery brings me everything that is good in my life, and I have to keep that exactly because it brings those things, relationships and opportunities.
I was told early in my AA days to look for the people who have what I want. What I want is a life in recovery that brings purpose and joy to my world and that enables me to give that to others. Newcomers can have this same spirit, and vets have shown how to live it. At only two and a half years sober, my journey is still young, and the shift to essentially aiming for a life of service has really emerged in the last year.
And self care, not selfishness, has to remain at the base of absolutely everything that I do. Living my program first enables me to benefit others. My recovery brings me everything that is good in my life, and I have to keep that exactly because it brings those things, relationships and opportunities.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
Good post. I have seen a few 'born again alcoholics' who have taken on the mantle of sponsor...even after a year I think we have waaay too much on our plates...These sponsors have found themselves in some pretty ugly scenarios.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thank you for this post. I'm been digging my heels and contacting any and everyone, inside and outside AA, to be of service. No one has contacted me back and I've been getting frustrated. I feel like stepping outside of myself is the right thing to do...at day 57.
I went to an AA business meeting to try and volunteer for a secretary position, and another gal in front of me volunteered first. The whole board commended her for making such a brave decision to do this... at 9 months! It definitely has me rethinking, okay maybe my journey is still very young. I need to sit back and enjoy the ride.
And knowing myself, getting "overwhelmed" is usually the reason/excuse I use when I relapse. So this is very appropriate timing, thank you!
I went to an AA business meeting to try and volunteer for a secretary position, and another gal in front of me volunteered first. The whole board commended her for making such a brave decision to do this... at 9 months! It definitely has me rethinking, okay maybe my journey is still very young. I need to sit back and enjoy the ride.
And knowing myself, getting "overwhelmed" is usually the reason/excuse I use when I relapse. So this is very appropriate timing, thank you!
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