What do you do with the anger?
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What do you do with the anger?
Over the past three years I've become an angry person. Family and friends noticed, but I didn't until recen3. I see my therapist on Friday, this is something I will mention.
Last night I went through some of my moms things. There was paperwork in there, old medical records from both times she was admitted for seizures due to alcoholism. Well that just set off a whole nother realm of mad.
I'm mad that all of these people used alcohol to escape. They escaped their pain, but inflicted a huge amount on their family. I have a hard time finding compassion for any of them. They are human I know, but so were we and that didn't matter. Yes I know the ins and outs of how alcohol affects the brain, I've done a college credit worth of research.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
Last night I went through some of my moms things. There was paperwork in there, old medical records from both times she was admitted for seizures due to alcoholism. Well that just set off a whole nother realm of mad.
I'm mad that all of these people used alcohol to escape. They escaped their pain, but inflicted a huge amount on their family. I have a hard time finding compassion for any of them. They are human I know, but so were we and that didn't matter. Yes I know the ins and outs of how alcohol affects the brain, I've done a college credit worth of research.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Righteous anger, I'm sure! Addiction is such a maddening affliction for all involved.
Maybe the anger is a stage that will eventually pass. But it sounds to me like it's trying to make itself at home.
I have had great luck with guided meditations that focus on you fully feeling whatever emotions arise in you during the session, and then letting them go. Melanie Tonia Evans has my favorite ones. It has worked like magic for me! Maybe give that a try.
Sometimes during these meditations as you go deeper and deeper into the emotion that you're currently working on, you will realize it's not just anger-- that's often just the top layer of what's truly going on.
Anger is a chameleon and sometimes indicates that somewhere deep inside, our needs aren't being met. What starts out feeling like anger to me is often made up of other emotions like disgust, hurt, confusion, desperation, guilt, etc.
Maybe try to dig deeper, pick it apart and tackle whatever comes up in each layer one emotion at a time. During these meditations you ask yourself a lot, "What is this really about?" The answers that surface can be surprising!
Maybe the anger is a stage that will eventually pass. But it sounds to me like it's trying to make itself at home.
I have had great luck with guided meditations that focus on you fully feeling whatever emotions arise in you during the session, and then letting them go. Melanie Tonia Evans has my favorite ones. It has worked like magic for me! Maybe give that a try.
Sometimes during these meditations as you go deeper and deeper into the emotion that you're currently working on, you will realize it's not just anger-- that's often just the top layer of what's truly going on.
Anger is a chameleon and sometimes indicates that somewhere deep inside, our needs aren't being met. What starts out feeling like anger to me is often made up of other emotions like disgust, hurt, confusion, desperation, guilt, etc.
Maybe try to dig deeper, pick it apart and tackle whatever comes up in each layer one emotion at a time. During these meditations you ask yourself a lot, "What is this really about?" The answers that surface can be surprising!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 
Over the past three years I've become an angry person. Family and friends noticed, but I didn't until recen3. I see my therapist on Friday, this is something I will mention.
Last night I went through some of my moms things. There was paperwork in there, old medical records from both times she was admitted for seizures due to alcoholism. Well that just set off a whole nother realm of mad.
I'm mad that all of these people used alcohol to escape. They escaped their pain, but inflicted a huge amount on their family. I have a hard time finding compassion for any of them. They are human I know, but so were we and that didn't matter. Yes I know the ins and outs of how alcohol affects the brain, I've done a college credit worth of research.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
Last night I went through some of my moms things. There was paperwork in there, old medical records from both times she was admitted for seizures due to alcoholism. Well that just set off a whole nother realm of mad.
I'm mad that all of these people used alcohol to escape. They escaped their pain, but inflicted a huge amount on their family. I have a hard time finding compassion for any of them. They are human I know, but so were we and that didn't matter. Yes I know the ins and outs of how alcohol affects the brain, I've done a college credit worth of research.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
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My thoughts exactly.
Originally Posted by Awal
That's exactly it...its the hurtful selfishness...its not caring about the effect on others..yep its an illness, but its an illness that can be cured if they want to be cured.
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Yes, I've allowed anger to make itself at home. I do a mini version of guided meditation. Its uncomfortable to actually feel the emotions that surface, but its freeing too. It takes a LOT of work to hide from those emotions and keep them suppressed.
I do recognize the underlying emotions, so that's a plus. These things, emotions, seem to be stuck. Oh I see now Trinity, I get it. Those feelings, as well as the anger, are stuck. Just hanging out, causing misery. I feel them, I see them for what they are, but don't know where to go from there. So I stay in hurt and anger.
I do recognize the underlying emotions, so that's a plus. These things, emotions, seem to be stuck. Oh I see now Trinity, I get it. Those feelings, as well as the anger, are stuck. Just hanging out, causing misery. I feel them, I see them for what they are, but don't know where to go from there. So I stay in hurt and anger.
Originally Posted by Trinity7777
Righteous anger, I'm sure! Addiction is such a maddening affliction for all involved.
Maybe the anger is a stage that will eventually pass. But it sounds to me like it's trying to make itself at home.
I have had great luck with guided meditations that focus on you fully feeling whatever emotions arise in you during the session, and then letting them go. Melanie Tonia Evans has my favorite ones. It has worked like magic for me! Maybe give that a try.
Sometimes during these meditations as you go deeper and deeper into the emotion that you're currently working on, you will realize it's not just anger-- that's often just the top layer of what's truly going on.
Anger is a chameleon and sometimes indicates that somewhere deep inside, our needs aren't being met. What starts out feeling like anger to me is often made up of other emotions like disgust, hurt, confusion, desperation, guilt, etc.
Maybe try to dig deeper, pick it apart and tackle whatever comes up in each layer one emotion at a time. During these meditations you ask yourself a lot, "What is this really about?" The answers that surface can be surprising!
Maybe the anger is a stage that will eventually pass. But it sounds to me like it's trying to make itself at home.
I have had great luck with guided meditations that focus on you fully feeling whatever emotions arise in you during the session, and then letting them go. Melanie Tonia Evans has my favorite ones. It has worked like magic for me! Maybe give that a try.
Sometimes during these meditations as you go deeper and deeper into the emotion that you're currently working on, you will realize it's not just anger-- that's often just the top layer of what's truly going on.
Anger is a chameleon and sometimes indicates that somewhere deep inside, our needs aren't being met. What starts out feeling like anger to me is often made up of other emotions like disgust, hurt, confusion, desperation, guilt, etc.
Maybe try to dig deeper, pick it apart and tackle whatever comes up in each layer one emotion at a time. During these meditations you ask yourself a lot, "What is this really about?" The answers that surface can be surprising!
Life is good
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This family disease of alcoholism is completely illogical.
It's a disease of the mind and body. It tells the person who has it they don't need help. Once a person starts realizing something is wrong, the disease continues to lure the ill person to self-medication, making poor choices and confounding cycles of internal pain.
My "self-medication" wasn't alcohol. I don't drink. I'm a family member who's drug of choice was the alcoholic. My "dis-ease" wanted to keep me stuck in the cycle of pain.
Prayer: God/Great Spirit/Mother Earth,
Please guide my thoughts, actions and direction.
Prayer: Thank you.
It's a disease of the mind and body. It tells the person who has it they don't need help. Once a person starts realizing something is wrong, the disease continues to lure the ill person to self-medication, making poor choices and confounding cycles of internal pain.
My "self-medication" wasn't alcohol. I don't drink. I'm a family member who's drug of choice was the alcoholic. My "dis-ease" wanted to keep me stuck in the cycle of pain.
Prayer: God/Great Spirit/Mother Earth,
Please guide my thoughts, actions and direction.
Prayer: Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I feel them, I see them for what they are, but don't know where to go from there. So I stay in hurt and anger.
I think I've seen Dandylion say several times - they aren't drinking "at" you, they are just drinking. I think that's a wise way to look at it. It's not personal (sure as heck feels like it though i'm sure!)
I also think when you get angry and (possibly) think - Hey! what about me! That's the time turn back to yourself, because you have that answer, they don't.
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Boy do I get this. Turning into the angry person I did was the main reason I divorced. Not only was the addiction affecting him, but it was turning me into some sort of person I did not want to be.
I can only say through a lot of therapy and realization was I able to let it go. I had to come to the realization that I was hurting three people; myself, and my two children. He could not care less if I am angry, it makes him happy when I am (he tries to trigger me ALL THE TIME, I no longer participate and don't take the bait).
That does not mean I no longer get angry. That just means I will only allow so much anger in my life, then I have to let it go...FOR MYSELF.
BIG HUGS.
I can only say through a lot of therapy and realization was I able to let it go. I had to come to the realization that I was hurting three people; myself, and my two children. He could not care less if I am angry, it makes him happy when I am (he tries to trigger me ALL THE TIME, I no longer participate and don't take the bait).
That does not mean I no longer get angry. That just means I will only allow so much anger in my life, then I have to let it go...FOR MYSELF.
BIG HUGS.
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Oh yes.. the fury... I know it well!
I believe anger is a form of self preservation. It's more comfortable to be angry then it is to feel all the pain.
We've all been so battered by the disease of alcoholism and most of us have been codependent to one degree or another. I think it's completely normal to feel angry at the drinkers. It was definitely part of my process. It motivated me... it kept me protecting myself until I was feeling safe enough to let my own demons out and then kill them off one by one. It was not a comfortable process. It hurt like hell, but it was what had to happen so the healing could take place.
I've seen great growth in you since you got here Wamama. I think you are headed in the right direction. If I had to guess, I would say the anger you are feeling is a stage that you will manage to work through.
*hugs*
I believe anger is a form of self preservation. It's more comfortable to be angry then it is to feel all the pain.
We've all been so battered by the disease of alcoholism and most of us have been codependent to one degree or another. I think it's completely normal to feel angry at the drinkers. It was definitely part of my process. It motivated me... it kept me protecting myself until I was feeling safe enough to let my own demons out and then kill them off one by one. It was not a comfortable process. It hurt like hell, but it was what had to happen so the healing could take place.
I've seen great growth in you since you got here Wamama. I think you are headed in the right direction. If I had to guess, I would say the anger you are feeling is a stage that you will manage to work through.
*hugs*
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Use it. Let it be the fuel that carries you into the next stage. Sweat it out - exercise, physical work, household repairs or chores. Move furniture & rearrange every closet. Then climb into the newly organized closet & scream loudly like no one on earth could ever hear you. Get LOUD. Scare yourself silly at the sound of your own fury being unleashed.
I did an exercise that I got from a TV show where I wrote tag words on medium sized rocks - words for alllllll the things I wanted to let go of or was angry about. Then I carried that heavy bag of resentments for a while, feeling the burden & uneven weight of it all before heaving them, one by one, into a large lake, visualizing myself free from the label each one carried.
Acknowledging & not stuffing your anger is important. It'll pass when it's ready, just like sadness or other parts of grief. Meantime just remember:
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”.... Maya Angelou
I did an exercise that I got from a TV show where I wrote tag words on medium sized rocks - words for alllllll the things I wanted to let go of or was angry about. Then I carried that heavy bag of resentments for a while, feeling the burden & uneven weight of it all before heaving them, one by one, into a large lake, visualizing myself free from the label each one carried.
Acknowledging & not stuffing your anger is important. It'll pass when it's ready, just like sadness or other parts of grief. Meantime just remember:
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”.... Maya Angelou
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
I'm mad that all of these people used alcohol to escape. They escaped their pain, but inflicted a huge amount on their family. I have a hard time finding compassion for any of them. They are human I know, but so were we and that didn't matter. Yes I know the ins and outs of how alcohol affects the brain, I've done a college credit worth of research.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
I'm just furious at all of them and their selfishness.
My XA was also narcissistic and border line personality disorder, all in all mentally/emotionally abusive.
I am normally rather calm soul and don’t stay around people that treat others cruel, and yet here I was yelling back, crying and staying around to get more.. based on hope in empty promises. Finding myself far from the person I had previous been. It all left me in so much pain, confusion, anger etc… How does one resolve any of this? Overwhelming to say the least.
Like Trinity said, “Anger is a chameleon and sometimes indicates that somewhere deep inside, our needs aren't being met.” I agree.
I have been doing a lot of self reflection on my source of anger deep inside and its been fruitful (painful but fruitful) . Now, what to do with this?
I'm sure everyone has their method. For me, each time I have a thought or feeling of pain from that relationship, I apply it instead to the original source of the pain (for me it was in my youth). Knowing where this susceptibility lies was greatly eye opening for me.
Then saying “that was my past, but it doesn’t have to be my reality” Or when those thoughts or feelings surface, I try talking back to them, countering them and/or reasoning with them like they were a friend. So far it has been calming to me and giving me understanding but direction of strength.
Its so important for me to NOT, engage in imaginary conversations of what I would say to “him”, because that’s were the insanity lives and there is no rationalizing with an A who twists reality around protecting their drug at any cost (to you).
My focus has to be on myself and no longer what he did or didn’t do to me.
It's still a process, but its given me a place to focus.
This healing journey from the hand of an A, is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But like someone here told me, we have to go through the grieving, the pain of it all to really heal and grow. And I know that is true.
Take care
TLC
Last edited by TLC; 08-29-2018 at 08:45 AM. Reason: sp
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Originally Posted by TLC
Knowing where this susceptibility lies was greatly eye opening for me.
Time to shore up the defenses (without becoming defensive) it's a fine line to be sure!
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W,
I too did not like who I became when I was married to my addict. I was crazy!! At the beginning I was so pissed off at God for not helping me fix this person. I did everything humanly possible to get him help and it still didn't work. He gave me no help at all and I was raging, I just couldn't do it anymore. Once I accepted Gods plan for me and my addict my anger subsided.
Why was my plan right? Why was I playing God and making my axh do something that he didn't want to do? Once I truly surrendered, my anger left. I don't know everything and it is not my power to control everyone and everything. Once you make peace with that your heart softens and then you do find compassion for people who struggle.
All I can say is own it, work on yourself and it will slowly fade. Give yourself time as this takes months and even years to maneuver. Be patient my friend.
I too did not like who I became when I was married to my addict. I was crazy!! At the beginning I was so pissed off at God for not helping me fix this person. I did everything humanly possible to get him help and it still didn't work. He gave me no help at all and I was raging, I just couldn't do it anymore. Once I accepted Gods plan for me and my addict my anger subsided.
Why was my plan right? Why was I playing God and making my axh do something that he didn't want to do? Once I truly surrendered, my anger left. I don't know everything and it is not my power to control everyone and everything. Once you make peace with that your heart softens and then you do find compassion for people who struggle.
All I can say is own it, work on yourself and it will slowly fade. Give yourself time as this takes months and even years to maneuver. Be patient my friend.
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
Yes, I've allowed anger to make itself at home. Its uncomfortable to actually feel the emotions that surface, but its freeing too. It takes a LOT of work to hide from those emotions and keep them suppressed.
I do recognize the underlying emotions, so that's a plus. These things, emotions, seem to be stuck. So I stay in hurt and anger.
I do recognize the underlying emotions, so that's a plus. These things, emotions, seem to be stuck. So I stay in hurt and anger.
I had 35 plus years of not feeling anger. I suspect yours has been underneath for a long time too.
I had to feel it and like a lot of other things in recovery I had to feel it more than once, and for longer than I anticipated. In retrospect this makes sense. I spent years not feeling it so of course there was more buried than I anticipated.
A lot of things helped. Activity, therapy, self-care. The only thing that did not was judging and beating myself up for still being angry, not working through it fast enough of the fact that I had it.
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Thanks everyone! I have been hesitant to post about the anger. I have read so many times that we just have to let it go, that it only hurts us. That's what I expected to hear. Instead I see so many of you feel or have felt the same way. Soooo many good suggestions, things to try, ways to think about the situation. I keep coming back as I have a minute and re-reading a reply, going down the list. Helps it stick in my head. Thanks everyone!!!
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Once I started working on me and my past/present resentments, I noticed a common theme. It was the 'crap' I allowed myself to be put through/deal with caused by another 'free will having' person. It was ME that I was mad at,for intentionally putting myself in the same situation(s). Even as a child, I'd "not say something" for fear of the outcome towards that person. Always in a "protection mode of other's well being,with no regard for my own." Is what I told my therapist a couple years ago.
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
Thanks everyone! I have been hesitant to post about the anger. I have read so many times that we just have to let it go, that it only hurts us. That's what I expected to hear. Instead I see so many of you feel or have felt the same way. Soooo many good suggestions, things to try, ways to think about the situation. I keep coming back as I have a minute and re-reading a reply, going down the list. Helps it stick in my head. Thanks everyone!!!
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I remember in rehab they took us all outside, gave us Nerf bats, and told us to take our anger out on the trees. The more I beat on a tree, the angrier I got until I found myself crying, crying from all the pain that I had hidden underneath the anger.
With me, it's always fear or pain that lies underneath. I have to work my way through that.
Sending you hugs of support!
With me, it's always fear or pain that lies underneath. I have to work my way through that.
Sending you hugs of support!
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In a show I once watched, they went to a place that you throw plates at trees. I always thought I would write a resentment on the plates and give them a good throw and break. I never did it, but I always wanted to!!
My family home has this huge tree that has what's called galls on it. They are from wasps in some fashion. They are like balls on the branches. We wanted to look and see what was in one on a Sunday afternoon once, and we took a hammer and broke it open (my kids and I). We ended up having the best time beating the crap out of those stupid galls LOL. It was a good stress reliever.
I also think working in my yard helps my stress immensely. I know FireSprite is doing massive cleanup of her yard right now and is feeling that as well.
I don't know if any of this helps, but you are definitely not alone friend!
My family home has this huge tree that has what's called galls on it. They are from wasps in some fashion. They are like balls on the branches. We wanted to look and see what was in one on a Sunday afternoon once, and we took a hammer and broke it open (my kids and I). We ended up having the best time beating the crap out of those stupid galls LOL. It was a good stress reliever.
I also think working in my yard helps my stress immensely. I know FireSprite is doing massive cleanup of her yard right now and is feeling that as well.
I don't know if any of this helps, but you are definitely not alone friend!
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Like DontRemember pointed out, I found that when I got down to the anger I couldn't let go of it was because it was self-directed & I kept trying to blameshift it to someone else. That was tough to identify & I still struggle with it a lot. (I think I posted about it recently - Self is the hardest part for us Codies, self-love, self-care, self-compassion, self-hatred etc)
Like Freedom said, the anger is always- always- always an indication of other buried feelings. Anger is simply the cast around the pain of the broken arm. I've read this over & over in all kinds of psychology resources.
And yes, I've become one with my machete while I physically work through a lot of this myself. It's the perfect therapy for me right now.
Like Freedom said, the anger is always- always- always an indication of other buried feelings. Anger is simply the cast around the pain of the broken arm. I've read this over & over in all kinds of psychology resources.
And yes, I've become one with my machete while I physically work through a lot of this myself. It's the perfect therapy for me right now.
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