Codependent. Too early for external validation.
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Codependent. Too early for external validation.
Been feeling a bit off (more than usual) the last couple of days and trying to put my finger on why, when doing some meditation it came to me.
I'm in early recovery of codependency, still learning about it, trying to be gentle with myself and not take responsibility for others feelings, journaling, posting here(hopefully not too much), reading books and trying also to get in touch with my spiritual guidance more.
So last weekend, out of boredom I went onto an online dating app and got chatting to a guy. It was clear very quickly he only wanted to hook up for one thing. I fobbed him off and deleted the app on Sunday. The thing is I've been feeling pretty low since and I think it's because I realise it's way to early to think about someone else, it has made me miss my friend/ex even more again, and he's been on my mind non stop last 2 days. I keep thinking if he was still in touch I wouldn't feel so bad or that boredom but maybe I would who knows.
It's also made me realise that I was looking for external validation again, a codependent trait, instead of working on myself. I have been doing a lot of it lately but it's really only been a month into recovery so I'm nowhere near ready for any other relationship. I hate this feeling I have now that i let myself down or feel a bit cheap for going on the app. Shows how little I think of my self worth still, even though I'm making progress, it still needs major building up of my esteem. I think I need to lock myself away in an ashram in Bali somewhere for a year.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully this feeling will pass through journaling, talking here and learning from it.
I'm in early recovery of codependency, still learning about it, trying to be gentle with myself and not take responsibility for others feelings, journaling, posting here(hopefully not too much), reading books and trying also to get in touch with my spiritual guidance more.
So last weekend, out of boredom I went onto an online dating app and got chatting to a guy. It was clear very quickly he only wanted to hook up for one thing. I fobbed him off and deleted the app on Sunday. The thing is I've been feeling pretty low since and I think it's because I realise it's way to early to think about someone else, it has made me miss my friend/ex even more again, and he's been on my mind non stop last 2 days. I keep thinking if he was still in touch I wouldn't feel so bad or that boredom but maybe I would who knows.
It's also made me realise that I was looking for external validation again, a codependent trait, instead of working on myself. I have been doing a lot of it lately but it's really only been a month into recovery so I'm nowhere near ready for any other relationship. I hate this feeling I have now that i let myself down or feel a bit cheap for going on the app. Shows how little I think of my self worth still, even though I'm making progress, it still needs major building up of my esteem. I think I need to lock myself away in an ashram in Bali somewhere for a year.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully this feeling will pass through journaling, talking here and learning from it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Nothing wrong with Bali!
You know, that's a tough one, that external validation. We all do it to some degree, like if someone says hey - nice shoes! Well you like the shoes (you picked them) but having someone else say it makes you feel good, human nature.
So it's something akin to having an eating disorder. You still have to eat every day.
External validation feels good, problem being it is fickle and erratic and unreliable. It's unhealthy (I rarely use that description but for this I believe it really is).
The problem, as you already know is that it's like standing on a shifting sand. The only way to stand on firm ground is to have your validation come from yourself. It does take time and you are just gathering yours now, it will come with time though.
So how do you set out doing it. Well the best advice I can offer is stop being so hard on yourself. You are even judging yourself for going on an app and talking to someone. You realized your mistake and deleted it. Instead of going, well, I made a mistake and corrected it, you only see the negative.
You are going to do things that aren't helpful to you, it's a human thing. Forgive yourself and move on.
Try to focus on what is good about you. Are you a good listener? Do you have empathy for people? Are you kind to strangers? Do you go out of your way to help a friend? Do you treat yourself well and do good self care? Do you like yourself mostly?
If so, well tell yourself that!
If you are lonely, maybe you need a healthier pursuit than a dating app, how about meetup.com?
What do you like to do, what have you ever thought of doing? Learn to play the piano? Martial Arts? Travel? Cooking ?
You know, that's a tough one, that external validation. We all do it to some degree, like if someone says hey - nice shoes! Well you like the shoes (you picked them) but having someone else say it makes you feel good, human nature.
So it's something akin to having an eating disorder. You still have to eat every day.
External validation feels good, problem being it is fickle and erratic and unreliable. It's unhealthy (I rarely use that description but for this I believe it really is).
The problem, as you already know is that it's like standing on a shifting sand. The only way to stand on firm ground is to have your validation come from yourself. It does take time and you are just gathering yours now, it will come with time though.
So how do you set out doing it. Well the best advice I can offer is stop being so hard on yourself. You are even judging yourself for going on an app and talking to someone. You realized your mistake and deleted it. Instead of going, well, I made a mistake and corrected it, you only see the negative.
You are going to do things that aren't helpful to you, it's a human thing. Forgive yourself and move on.
Try to focus on what is good about you. Are you a good listener? Do you have empathy for people? Are you kind to strangers? Do you go out of your way to help a friend? Do you treat yourself well and do good self care? Do you like yourself mostly?
If so, well tell yourself that!
If you are lonely, maybe you need a healthier pursuit than a dating app, how about meetup.com?
What do you like to do, what have you ever thought of doing? Learn to play the piano? Martial Arts? Travel? Cooking ?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Nothing wrong with Bali!
You know, that's a tough one, that external validation. We all do it to some degree, like if someone says hey - nice shoes! Well you like the shoes (you picked them) but having someone else say it makes you feel good, human nature.
So it's something akin to having an eating disorder. You still have to eat every day.
External validation feels good, problem being it is fickle and erratic and unreliable. It's unhealthy (I rarely use that description but for this I believe it really is).
The problem, as you already know is that it's like standing on a shifting sand. The only way to stand on firm ground is to have your validation come from yourself. It does take time and you are just gathering yours now, it will come with time though.
So how do you set out doing it. Well the best advice I can offer is stop being so hard on yourself. You are even judging yourself for going on an app and talking to someone. You realized your mistake and deleted it. Instead of going, well, I made a mistake and corrected it, you only see the negative.
You are going to do things that aren't helpful to you, it's a human thing. Forgive yourself and move on.
Try to focus on what is good about you. Are you a good listener? Do you have empathy for people? Are you kind to strangers? Do you go out of your way to help a friend? Do you treat yourself well and do good self care? Do you like yourself mostly?
If so, well tell yourself that!
If you are lonely, maybe you need a healthier pursuit than a dating app, how about meetup.com?
What do you like to do, what have you ever thought of doing? Learn to play the piano? Martial Arts? Travel? Cooking ?
You know, that's a tough one, that external validation. We all do it to some degree, like if someone says hey - nice shoes! Well you like the shoes (you picked them) but having someone else say it makes you feel good, human nature.
So it's something akin to having an eating disorder. You still have to eat every day.
External validation feels good, problem being it is fickle and erratic and unreliable. It's unhealthy (I rarely use that description but for this I believe it really is).
The problem, as you already know is that it's like standing on a shifting sand. The only way to stand on firm ground is to have your validation come from yourself. It does take time and you are just gathering yours now, it will come with time though.
So how do you set out doing it. Well the best advice I can offer is stop being so hard on yourself. You are even judging yourself for going on an app and talking to someone. You realized your mistake and deleted it. Instead of going, well, I made a mistake and corrected it, you only see the negative.
You are going to do things that aren't helpful to you, it's a human thing. Forgive yourself and move on.
Try to focus on what is good about you. Are you a good listener? Do you have empathy for people? Are you kind to strangers? Do you go out of your way to help a friend? Do you treat yourself well and do good self care? Do you like yourself mostly?
If so, well tell yourself that!
If you are lonely, maybe you need a healthier pursuit than a dating app, how about meetup.com?
What do you like to do, what have you ever thought of doing? Learn to play the piano? Martial Arts? Travel? Cooking ?
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Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Long term travel might be on the cards, I feel a bit of an existential crisis has occurred and would like to really get more spiritual and nurture my inner child, by traveling, meeting spiritual people and forgetting my life as I knew it. Maybe that's running away, I'm not sure.
What if you took that kind of time to know You, not just in a healing way but in a Discovering Things I Didn't Know About Me sort of way?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by FireSprite
If I had the money & time I'd do this in a heartbeat myself. It could be running away if you choose to treat it that way, or it could be a commitment you consciously make to spend time getting to know your Self..... just like you would if you were developing a new relationship with anyone else.
What if you took that kind of time to know You, not just in a healing way but in a Discovering Things I Didn't Know About Me sort of way?
What if you took that kind of time to know You, not just in a healing way but in a Discovering Things I Didn't Know About Me sort of way?
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I was thinking that too, lol!!! After I posted I thought, "that just sounds awesome..... I'd be sure to include some kind of yoga retreat & really Eat, Pray, Love my way across the world. 
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
If I had the money & time I'd do this in a heartbeat myself. It could be running away if you choose to treat it that way, or it could be a commitment you consciously make to spend time getting to know your Self..... just like you would if you were developing a new relationship with anyone else.
What if you took that kind of time to know You, not just in a healing way but in a Discovering Things I Didn't Know About Me sort of way?
What if you took that kind of time to know You, not just in a healing way but in a Discovering Things I Didn't Know About Me sort of way?
I feel like I'm done with where I'm living for now, many memories, Codependent relationships everywhere! Of my own choosing of course, realise that now but wow when my eyes are opened to it, it's crazy, even my therapist I think lol. Feel like a fresh start, get to know me again, without any relationships probably for the first time.
My heart aches when I now realise how unconsciously I've set up my life but better late than never I suppose. This **** is hard. Little did I know when my "friend" came into my life, just what lay ahead. Wonder if he's having all these Revelations too...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I really would love to do this, but financially not in that place, but who knows what future holds.
I feel like I'm done with where I'm living for now, many memories, Codependent relationships everywhere! Of my own choosing of course, realise that now but wow when my eyes are opened to it, it's crazy, even my therapist I think lol. Feel like a fresh start, get to know me again, without any relationships probably for the first time.
My heart aches when I now realise how unconsciously I've set up my life but better late than never I suppose. This **** is hard. Little did I know when my "friend" came into my life, just what lay ahead. Wonder if he's having all these Revelations too...
I feel like I'm done with where I'm living for now, many memories, Codependent relationships everywhere! Of my own choosing of course, realise that now but wow when my eyes are opened to it, it's crazy, even my therapist I think lol. Feel like a fresh start, get to know me again, without any relationships probably for the first time.
My heart aches when I now realise how unconsciously I've set up my life but better late than never I suppose. This **** is hard. Little did I know when my "friend" came into my life, just what lay ahead. Wonder if he's having all these Revelations too...
This **** IS hard. Understatement of the day.
Hang in there, it DOES get better; you're making a lot of progress pretty quickly!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well Bali might be expensive but how about a weekend trip somewhere? A cabin, glam-camping? Not eat, pray, love but a good start maybe.
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This sounds crazy, but I've always wanted to do a monastery retreat. In some cases, the retreat is free or by donation.
https://matadornetwork.com/trips/15-...ays-worldwide/
https://matadornetwork.com/trips/15-...ays-worldwide/
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
This sounds crazy, but I've always wanted to do a monastery retreat. In some cases, the retreat is free or by donation.
https://matadornetwork.com/trips/15-...ays-worldwide/
https://matadornetwork.com/trips/15-...ays-worldwide/
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Hi Glenjo I'm right here with you
I went on a dating app myself. I felt scared from the get go but figured maybe I could talk to some people on the phone or see how it goes.
I talked to one guy since last Monday. He was very sexual and when he wasn't talking dirty he put me down. I noticed I would get ready to meet him and throw up or have the runs. I would be sick in bed. He would ask me what happened even me trying to explain he would say: "sounds like a you problem not a me problem." Or if i couldnt hear something he said as he mumbled he said" im not repeating myself. "
Yesterday he was relentless and was like you can't say hi. He wanted me to pick him up (where's your flashy benz I thought you had) take him for drinks ( I don't drink) and he wanted to go to my apt. I knew this was never going to happen as he only wanted one thing but for that week I had someone to talk to instead of working on me. Working on me is hard.
I text him last night and said" I don't like how pompous you are with me and how you are only nice when it comes down to talking about one thing. I wish you the best of luck but you can delete my number as I'm not ready.
He responded: F U B kill yourself rip. I'm happy I never met him.
My drunk never told me to terminate my life. So I looked at his fb last night to see he is interested in Women and relationships. I almost wanted to break no contact and tell him I miss him but I remained strong. The dating site is down and has been then I posted what I did last night on here by looking at his page and I'm sure you saw it didn't go so well. I felt like a loser.
I know I cried for a couple hours and finally went to the gym and saw my mom. I'm like you it's still fresh I guess everyday with no contact we will get stronger. Not no contact in bed but staying busy for ourselves. I don't have the answers but everyday I'm going to try to do nice things for me. I have done nice things for everyone else my whole life. I know how you feel talking to someone off a dating app I wanted my ex back.
Abusive relationships are hard to let go of. Probably harder than non abusive. Our minds have been tampered with mean things a drunk says I was starting to explain myself, defend myself, or just take the abuse. My gf was married to a drunk she said it's gets easier everyday you make no contact. One day you won't care. I think of my relationships before the drunk. An ex is an ex for a reason. I'm not interested in any of them. Did I cry waterworks for 1 or 2 yes but now I never go back. I want to be there.
Please know I'm in your corner. Don't be down over the dating app take good care of yourself. We can beat codenpendency one day at a time. I relate to everything you say. This has been my hardest summer ever.
Xoxo,
Shredder
I talked to one guy since last Monday. He was very sexual and when he wasn't talking dirty he put me down. I noticed I would get ready to meet him and throw up or have the runs. I would be sick in bed. He would ask me what happened even me trying to explain he would say: "sounds like a you problem not a me problem." Or if i couldnt hear something he said as he mumbled he said" im not repeating myself. "
Yesterday he was relentless and was like you can't say hi. He wanted me to pick him up (where's your flashy benz I thought you had) take him for drinks ( I don't drink) and he wanted to go to my apt. I knew this was never going to happen as he only wanted one thing but for that week I had someone to talk to instead of working on me. Working on me is hard.
I text him last night and said" I don't like how pompous you are with me and how you are only nice when it comes down to talking about one thing. I wish you the best of luck but you can delete my number as I'm not ready.
He responded: F U B kill yourself rip. I'm happy I never met him.
My drunk never told me to terminate my life. So I looked at his fb last night to see he is interested in Women and relationships. I almost wanted to break no contact and tell him I miss him but I remained strong. The dating site is down and has been then I posted what I did last night on here by looking at his page and I'm sure you saw it didn't go so well. I felt like a loser.
I know I cried for a couple hours and finally went to the gym and saw my mom. I'm like you it's still fresh I guess everyday with no contact we will get stronger. Not no contact in bed but staying busy for ourselves. I don't have the answers but everyday I'm going to try to do nice things for me. I have done nice things for everyone else my whole life. I know how you feel talking to someone off a dating app I wanted my ex back.
Abusive relationships are hard to let go of. Probably harder than non abusive. Our minds have been tampered with mean things a drunk says I was starting to explain myself, defend myself, or just take the abuse. My gf was married to a drunk she said it's gets easier everyday you make no contact. One day you won't care. I think of my relationships before the drunk. An ex is an ex for a reason. I'm not interested in any of them. Did I cry waterworks for 1 or 2 yes but now I never go back. I want to be there.
Please know I'm in your corner. Don't be down over the dating app take good care of yourself. We can beat codenpendency one day at a time. I relate to everything you say. This has been my hardest summer ever.
Xoxo,
Shredder
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Originally Posted by Shredder22
I went on a dating app myself. I felt scared from the get go but figured maybe I could talk to some people on the phone or see how it goes.
I talked to one guy since last Monday. He was very sexual and when he wasn't talking dirty he put me down. I noticed I would get ready to meet him and throw up or have the runs. I would be sick in bed. He would ask me what happened even me trying to explain he would say: "sounds like a you problem not a me problem." Or if i couldnt hear something he said as he mumbled he said" im not repeating myself. "
Yesterday he was relentless and was like you can't say hi. He wanted me to pick him up (where's your flashy benz I thought you had) take him for drinks ( I don't drink) and he wanted to go to my apt. I knew this was never going to happen as he only wanted one thing but for that week I had someone to talk to instead of working on me. Working on me is hard.
I text him last night and said" I don't like how pompous you are with me and how you are only nice when it comes down to talking about one thing. I wish you the best of luck but you can delete my number as I'm not ready.
He responded: F U B kill yourself rip. I'm happy I never met him.
My drunk never told me to terminate my life. So I looked at his fb last night to see he is interested in Women and relationships. I almost wanted to break no contact and tell him I miss him but I remained strong. The dating site is down and has been then I posted what I did last night on here by looking at his page and I'm sure you saw it didn't go so well. I felt like a loser.
I know I cried for a couple hours and finally went to the gym and saw my mom. I'm like you it's still fresh I guess everyday with no contact we will get stronger. Not no contact in bed but staying busy for ourselves. I don't have the answers but everyday I'm going to try to do nice things for me. I have done nice things for everyone else my whole life. I know how you feel talking to someone off a dating app I wanted my ex back.
Abusive relationships are hard to let go of. Probably harder than non abusive. Our minds have been tampered with mean things a drunk says I was starting to explain myself, defend myself, or just take the abuse. My gf was married to a drunk she said it's gets easier everyday you make no contact. One day you won't care. I think of my relationships before the drunk. An ex is an ex for a reason. I'm not interested in any of them. Did I cry waterworks for 1 or 2 yes but now I never go back. I want to be there.
Please know I'm in your corner. Don't be down over the dating app take good care of yourself. We can beat codenpendency one day at a time. I relate to everything you say. This has been my hardest summer ever.
Xoxo,
Shredder
I talked to one guy since last Monday. He was very sexual and when he wasn't talking dirty he put me down. I noticed I would get ready to meet him and throw up or have the runs. I would be sick in bed. He would ask me what happened even me trying to explain he would say: "sounds like a you problem not a me problem." Or if i couldnt hear something he said as he mumbled he said" im not repeating myself. "
Yesterday he was relentless and was like you can't say hi. He wanted me to pick him up (where's your flashy benz I thought you had) take him for drinks ( I don't drink) and he wanted to go to my apt. I knew this was never going to happen as he only wanted one thing but for that week I had someone to talk to instead of working on me. Working on me is hard.
I text him last night and said" I don't like how pompous you are with me and how you are only nice when it comes down to talking about one thing. I wish you the best of luck but you can delete my number as I'm not ready.
He responded: F U B kill yourself rip. I'm happy I never met him.
My drunk never told me to terminate my life. So I looked at his fb last night to see he is interested in Women and relationships. I almost wanted to break no contact and tell him I miss him but I remained strong. The dating site is down and has been then I posted what I did last night on here by looking at his page and I'm sure you saw it didn't go so well. I felt like a loser.
I know I cried for a couple hours and finally went to the gym and saw my mom. I'm like you it's still fresh I guess everyday with no contact we will get stronger. Not no contact in bed but staying busy for ourselves. I don't have the answers but everyday I'm going to try to do nice things for me. I have done nice things for everyone else my whole life. I know how you feel talking to someone off a dating app I wanted my ex back.
Abusive relationships are hard to let go of. Probably harder than non abusive. Our minds have been tampered with mean things a drunk says I was starting to explain myself, defend myself, or just take the abuse. My gf was married to a drunk she said it's gets easier everyday you make no contact. One day you won't care. I think of my relationships before the drunk. An ex is an ex for a reason. I'm not interested in any of them. Did I cry waterworks for 1 or 2 yes but now I never go back. I want to be there.
Please know I'm in your corner. Don't be down over the dating app take good care of yourself. We can beat codenpendency one day at a time. I relate to everything you say. This has been my hardest summer ever.
Xoxo,
Shredder
My hardest summer ever aswell. I was hopeful that now we're heading into autumn my perspective might start to change a bit that that horrendous summer is over, and yet I notice the opposite is happening now, I'm starting to dread the thoughts of christmas, my birthday next week, you know what I mean, the occassions that will bring up all those emotions of missing him. Starting to think ahead too much means I'm stressing and catastrophising again, so I need to go back and remind myself, one day at a time, all I can do is today as a codependent in recovery.
How that guy responded to you was disgusting, and I can relate as it was similar to the guy I spoke to last weekend. Brought up so much in me that I've been feeling crap since, and I think I realise that because it's so raw and so early in, that I would inevitably only attract guys who are not going to treat me well as I still am not recovered and love myself enough. I agree I did it too to distract from the "work" which is hard and would always be how I did things in the past, repeating the pattern. I've been making progress lately and there's a tendency to think all is Rosy in the garden now, but truth be told for the most part it's horrible. I'm putting a spiritual practise in place in the mornings, and trying to exercise more, journal read, therapy and they are helping.
That said, I cried for a while last night, missing the guy I had such a close relationship with. My brain jumps in with the thought, wtf happened? How can someone who was in contact daily, many times a day for a nearly 2 years just be gone now. Not just any guy, but someone I thought was the one! It's heartbreaking, my heart is broken. Which is why I have no business trying to give look outside of myself to someone else. All I do is compare and miss him more. I feel I need to work at detaching again.
Can relate to what you've been through too, deleted all my social media and don't miss it thankfully. Yes Im going to try to get through today again. Hopefully a time comes where I will forget him as you say, if that's what the universe thinks is for the best. I pray every day (even praying is new for me) for the best outcome for everyone in this situation. I pray his recovery is going well too and gets a great life. I have no control over that only myself. As for other relationships, for the next year at least I'm out!!
Thanks for sharing really helps to hear I'm not alone and hope your doing ok too
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Hey Glenjo, I am really sorry to hear you are hurting so much. It's sad when someone we cared about is lost to us, no question about that.
So I have been thinking about what else to write here now and you know, there is no "big" answer to this. It just takes time. I admire you for truly jumping in and doing all the things you need to do to work on what you deem you need to. It's tough!!
Also something you said a week or two ago, that you feel like just cutting through the bs and just picking up the phone and saying, look, we were friends, can we not just talk. I totally get that too and maybe that still plays on your mind?
I guess the thing is, he is very confused. It's got to be hard for him too I imagine but he knows he has to sort himself out, that could take quite some time. As you are not in contact who knows, he may be working recovery, he may have just gone back to drinking. None of what he is is based in anything solid right now.
Therefore it's far too risky for you to jump back in, so for your own protection you keep on keeping on, that's a great gift to give yourself.
You know, you sound like a really nice person, there are TONS of people that would be so happy to have you as a friend! You have a lot to give, right now you have decided that you are not going to give yourself in a relationship (and I personally think that shows great insight) but that doesn't mean no fun, doesn't mean you can't have friendships.
Maybe now would be a good time to reach out. Whether that is in a group, Al-Anon, grief support, depression support or volunteering somewhere. Yes, it may well help you but you know, you might just help someone else (your posting here is no doubt helping someone else too, you may not even know because there are many who read without posting).
People need help, people need friends, groups need volunteers.
So I have been thinking about what else to write here now and you know, there is no "big" answer to this. It just takes time. I admire you for truly jumping in and doing all the things you need to do to work on what you deem you need to. It's tough!!
Also something you said a week or two ago, that you feel like just cutting through the bs and just picking up the phone and saying, look, we were friends, can we not just talk. I totally get that too and maybe that still plays on your mind?
I guess the thing is, he is very confused. It's got to be hard for him too I imagine but he knows he has to sort himself out, that could take quite some time. As you are not in contact who knows, he may be working recovery, he may have just gone back to drinking. None of what he is is based in anything solid right now.
Therefore it's far too risky for you to jump back in, so for your own protection you keep on keeping on, that's a great gift to give yourself.
You know, you sound like a really nice person, there are TONS of people that would be so happy to have you as a friend! You have a lot to give, right now you have decided that you are not going to give yourself in a relationship (and I personally think that shows great insight) but that doesn't mean no fun, doesn't mean you can't have friendships.
Maybe now would be a good time to reach out. Whether that is in a group, Al-Anon, grief support, depression support or volunteering somewhere. Yes, it may well help you but you know, you might just help someone else (your posting here is no doubt helping someone else too, you may not even know because there are many who read without posting).
People need help, people need friends, groups need volunteers.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Mine left as well went ghost after 1 year no goodbye
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Hi Shredder,
My hardest summer ever aswell. I was hopeful that now we're heading into autumn my perspective might start to change a bit that that horrendous summer is over, and yet I notice the opposite is happening now, I'm starting to dread the thoughts of christmas, my birthday next week, you know what I mean, the occassions that will bring up all those emotions of missing him. Starting to think ahead too much means I'm stressing and catastrophising again, so I need to go back and remind myself, one day at a time, all I can do is today as a codependent in recovery.
How that guy responded to you was disgusting, and I can relate as it was similar to the guy I spoke to last weekend. Brought up so much in me that I've been feeling crap since, and I think I realise that because it's so raw and so early in, that I would inevitably only attract guys who are not going to treat me well as I still am not recovered and love myself enough. I agree I did it too to distract from the "work" which is hard and would always be how I did things in the past, repeating the pattern. I've been making progress lately and there's a tendency to think all is Rosy in the garden now, but truth be told for the most part it's horrible. I'm putting a spiritual practise in place in the mornings, and trying to exercise more, journal read, therapy and they are helping.
That said, I cried for a while last night, missing the guy I had such a close relationship with. My brain jumps in with the thought, wtf happened? How can someone who was in contact daily, many times a day for a nearly 2 years just be gone now. Not just any guy, but someone I thought was the one! It's heartbreaking, my heart is broken. Which is why I have no business trying to give look outside of myself to someone else. All I do is compare and miss him more. I feel I need to work at detaching again.
Can relate to what you've been through too, deleted all my social media and don't miss it thankfully. Yes Im going to try to get through today again. Hopefully a time comes where I will forget him as you say, if that's what the universe thinks is for the best. I pray every day (even praying is new for me) for the best outcome for everyone in this situation. I pray his recovery is going well too and gets a great life. I have no control over that only myself. As for other relationships, for the next year at least I'm out!!
Thanks for sharing really helps to hear I'm not alone and hope your doing ok too
My hardest summer ever aswell. I was hopeful that now we're heading into autumn my perspective might start to change a bit that that horrendous summer is over, and yet I notice the opposite is happening now, I'm starting to dread the thoughts of christmas, my birthday next week, you know what I mean, the occassions that will bring up all those emotions of missing him. Starting to think ahead too much means I'm stressing and catastrophising again, so I need to go back and remind myself, one day at a time, all I can do is today as a codependent in recovery.
How that guy responded to you was disgusting, and I can relate as it was similar to the guy I spoke to last weekend. Brought up so much in me that I've been feeling crap since, and I think I realise that because it's so raw and so early in, that I would inevitably only attract guys who are not going to treat me well as I still am not recovered and love myself enough. I agree I did it too to distract from the "work" which is hard and would always be how I did things in the past, repeating the pattern. I've been making progress lately and there's a tendency to think all is Rosy in the garden now, but truth be told for the most part it's horrible. I'm putting a spiritual practise in place in the mornings, and trying to exercise more, journal read, therapy and they are helping.
That said, I cried for a while last night, missing the guy I had such a close relationship with. My brain jumps in with the thought, wtf happened? How can someone who was in contact daily, many times a day for a nearly 2 years just be gone now. Not just any guy, but someone I thought was the one! It's heartbreaking, my heart is broken. Which is why I have no business trying to give look outside of myself to someone else. All I do is compare and miss him more. I feel I need to work at detaching again.
Can relate to what you've been through too, deleted all my social media and don't miss it thankfully. Yes Im going to try to get through today again. Hopefully a time comes where I will forget him as you say, if that's what the universe thinks is for the best. I pray every day (even praying is new for me) for the best outcome for everyone in this situation. I pray his recovery is going well too and gets a great life. I have no control over that only myself. As for other relationships, for the next year at least I'm out!!
Thanks for sharing really helps to hear I'm not alone and hope your doing ok too
You sound determined and focus. You will be ok. One day we might be giving others sound advice as we are over it. I did heartbreak hotel all summer. I'll give myself time to grieve but fall is about me. Last year it was about him I need my life to be about me. We can do this!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hey Glenjo, I am really sorry to hear you are hurting so much. It's sad when someone we cared about is lost to us, no question about that.
So I have been thinking about what else to write here now and you know, there is no "big" answer to this. It just takes time. I admire you for truly jumping in and doing all the things you need to do to work on what you deem you need to. It's tough!!
Also something you said a week or two ago, that you feel like just cutting through the bs and just picking up the phone and saying, look, we were friends, can we not just talk. I totally get that too and maybe that still plays on your mind?
I guess the thing is, he is very confused. It's got to be hard for him too I imagine but he knows he has to sort himself out, that could take quite some time. As you are not in contact who knows, he may be working recovery, he may have just gone back to drinking. None of what he is is based in anything solid right now.
Therefore it's far too risky for you to jump back in, so for your own protection you keep on keeping on, that's a great gift to give yourself.
You know, you sound like a really nice person, there are TONS of people that would be so happy to have you as a friend! You have a lot to give, right now you have decided that you are not going to give yourself in a relationship (and I personally think that shows great insight) but that doesn't mean no fun, doesn't mean you can't have friendships.
Maybe now would be a good time to reach out. Whether that is in a group, Al-Anon, grief support, depression support or volunteering somewhere. Yes, it may well help you but you know, you might just help someone else (your posting here is no doubt helping someone else too, you may not even know because there are many who read without posting).
People need help, people need friends, groups need volunteers.
So I have been thinking about what else to write here now and you know, there is no "big" answer to this. It just takes time. I admire you for truly jumping in and doing all the things you need to do to work on what you deem you need to. It's tough!!
Also something you said a week or two ago, that you feel like just cutting through the bs and just picking up the phone and saying, look, we were friends, can we not just talk. I totally get that too and maybe that still plays on your mind?
I guess the thing is, he is very confused. It's got to be hard for him too I imagine but he knows he has to sort himself out, that could take quite some time. As you are not in contact who knows, he may be working recovery, he may have just gone back to drinking. None of what he is is based in anything solid right now.
Therefore it's far too risky for you to jump back in, so for your own protection you keep on keeping on, that's a great gift to give yourself.
You know, you sound like a really nice person, there are TONS of people that would be so happy to have you as a friend! You have a lot to give, right now you have decided that you are not going to give yourself in a relationship (and I personally think that shows great insight) but that doesn't mean no fun, doesn't mean you can't have friendships.
Maybe now would be a good time to reach out. Whether that is in a group, Al-Anon, grief support, depression support or volunteering somewhere. Yes, it may well help you but you know, you might just help someone else (your posting here is no doubt helping someone else too, you may not even know because there are many who read without posting).
People need help, people need friends, groups need volunteers.
I attended a codependent anonymous meeting couple of weeks ago and found it so helpful, only thing is it's an hour and half away once a week but I hope to go this week, there is alanon nearby but my first experience wasn't great, maybe I should try again, it has been on my mind. I think volunteering would be helpful I will look into it. Thanks for your kind words.
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