MetalRose

So here I am again. It seems I do well for a small while, which allows me to lie to myself and think "I can control this." Of course, that is a lie. I know in my heart it is a lie. I feel weak and ashamed, but willing to try yet again. With any luck, this will be my last "first day."

Aliceiw

Hi, Metalrose. You can do this. Come join our group in the August class. They're a really wonderful bunch who will give you lots of support and encouragement.

Free2bme888

Hi metalrose—

So glad you are back!!!

You want to live free of alcohol, and you CAN!

Posting here is a good start.

What will you do different than the last time (s) ? What is your plan?

Maybe reading here a lot—-success and struggles
Posting a little here and there....success and struggles.

I’m around day 90. I can’t believe it. I want you to feel as good as I do.

Addiction sucks. I’m sorry you feel bad, but please don’t. Change the thinking that you are glad you are here, because we are glad you are here!


SR has helped me so much.

Hugs,

Sober369

Hey MetalRose, I know how you feel! Been there a hundred times. On day five today! It can be done. Don't let your past dictate your future. You haven't given up, obviously, so you have hope! You don't ever have to drink again, or wake up sick and full of regret. Do join us in August, it's a great group.

MetalRose

Thanks everyone.
I've tried forcing myself to believe that I could be "normal" and drink moderately while staying in control. Only to binge, forget the night, and have friends tell me stories of my ridiculous antics that I have no memory of...
I have to stop drinking. I just don't know what to do differently. I suppose my commitment to sobriety was lacking. I have to stop lying to myself and minimizing the problem.

least

Support is helpful in staying sober. I had the help of weekly counseling and daily visits to SR. I no longer see the counselor but still come here every day.

Gottalife

The great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The essence of my problem was the same. I suppose I had two competing arguments going on somewhere in my psychy. One based in the memory of the sense of ease and comfort that comes with a few drinks, the other with all the facts, memries of disasters etc that happen because I lose control. For some strange reason the first argument becomes dominant overtime, and a I reach a point that the sane argument can be easily dismissed. It no longer carries the force that it once did, it is useless as a tool to keep me sober.

I wish you all the luck in the world in getting sober, though I ma not sure it is always a matter of luck. The psychologist William James in his book Varieties of Religious Experience documents where desperate individuals have been spontaneously struck by what he halled 'vital spiritual experiences" which resulted in a complete change of character and an immediate solution to the problem. Quite incredible, his research became part of the basis for the AA program of recovery. More recently a Canadian porfessor of psychology was talking about mystical experiences. He said in essence, no one knows how they happen or why, but they can't be denied because the subject has changed completely. They become a different person, and you can't argue with that.

The trouble with those things is they are very rare. It would take a lot of luck to just stumble into something like that. For most of us we kind of have to make our on luck. As one fortunate man said, "the harder I work, the luckier I get"

I have found that to be true in sibriety too. I had to be willing to go to any length, and I was. I dumped my old ideas, they obviously didn't work, and opened my mind to new possibilities. There was a lot of work and discomfort involved, there still is a certain amount of inconvenience. But it was absolutely worth it.

Dee74

Good to see you back MetalRose

For me staying connected here daily helped me remember that I really was that bad and that there would be no controlling of my drinking for me.

D

Delilah1

Hello,

Welcome back!! Like Least , having support is such a big part of my sobriety. I spent a lot of time on SR in the beginning, reading, and posting. I still check in daily, and reading here continues to inspire me.

I have also found exercise and mindfulness to be important tools in my recovery. Spend some time reading on here and find a thread or two to check in on every day. The monthly classes are great, you should join the August class.

You can do this!!!

snitch

Love your post!!

snitch

Hi metalose,
I know that feeling all too well. So, so , soooo many day 1's. Picking up that 1st drink thinking (hopiglng?) it may be different this time.

The key for me today is Acceptance. I have accepted the fact (and it is a fact) that once I take that first drink, I will not be able to moderate. The physical allergy and the mental craving are both activated and I will continue to drink until I pass out. And that is the best scenario!

I am in AA and even if you are not, step 1 can help you. ...."We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable."
It is the only step we have to get 100% right. Once I have taken a drink, alcohol becomes my master and I have zero control. Zero.

This most certainly can be your last day one and how great to know you need never feel this way again!

PhoenixJ

Welcome, MR. Keep posting- join some of the threads, get involved. A safe and welcoming community.

Gabe1980

I struggle when others post about feeling ashamed because I know the feeling well and the sense of helplessness that goes with it. There are so, so many of us that have been stuck in the cycle of relapse and convince ourselves that this time we can be moderate....

It's has taken me a year since reading Step 1, to truly being able to take Step 1. Acceptance is a very difficult thing, which i felt, intellectually, should be easy. Of course our lives are unmanageable when drinking, that's why we are here! It took more than that for me to find acceptance.

Acceptance for me was finally admitting to myself I have two settings only -
Sober or dangerous/blackout binge drinking. That's it. That is all. Nothing inbetween, ever.

Write down all the different ways that drinking make day to day life unmanageable, down to the smallest detail and look at the list. It is quite something. That is the list of things that alcohol takes from you.

The other thing is finding more support. Best wishes to you on you journey xx

Love your post too Mike

Midwest1981

How are you doing MetalRose? You can do this.

doggonecarl

This is the outcome of not accepting you can't drink. When you can accept that quitting means "quitting" and commit to that, then real sobriety can begin. Yes, your addictive voice will try to convince you otherwise, but once you are determined to quit and stay quit, then saying "No" to your AV carries more conviction.

And that's what you have to do....say "No" to the idea of normal drinking, or moderating, or controlling it. NO! Quitting means quitting. So do what it takes to support that decision.

Rar

Hi Metalrose. Count me among those who have tried to moderate and failed miserably. As Dee often says, "Play the tape forward". After many years, I'm finally able to stop myself by playing my tape forward. I know how it will end. Congratulations on your last Day 1. I'm rooting for you.

Hawking22

It's okay! So glad you are here and proud of you for your courage.

I love your end quote too...it's so true.

It can be done, and it will. Have faith it will. Dust yourself off and hop back on the wagon!

Oregongirlsite

I’m with you Metalrose. I’m on Day 2. I used to hide from SR in my shame thinking everyone probably knew I was a failure and maybe not really wanting a sober life...not true. The folks here want me sober or not. I didn’t need to have many successful days to show up or post. Just keep hangin’ out. So I am. I’m going to join the August group. Living alcohol free will click for us too.

MetalRose

I'll doing ok. Thanks for asking. Also thanks to everyone offering support. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. This is technically my Day 2, but I really feel as if its my first full day. After all, I was nursing a hangover yesterday.

It's not too hard to stay sober at work, but my evening routine will be changed drastically. I also have 2 weddings and a bachelorette party to attend in the upcoming months, which is worrisome. Luckily, a fellow bridesmaid is 7 years sober and will be there.

I guess the difference this time around is that I've "announced" my choice of sobriety to my husband and friends. I could feel their hidden sighs of relief. Perhaps this will reinforce my commitment to sobriety, since failure would be an extra layer of guilt, remorse, and humiliation.

Drinking is a choice that seeks to destroy everything I love the most.

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well today.

I totally agree with changing your nighttime routine. The worst time for me for cravings, was early evening. I started getting out of the house and taking long walks and that had so much of a positive impact on my life.