blueberry2015

Urgh. Ive just had to explain to my mum that I can’t have conversations with her when she is drunk. Ive had to start blocking her calls, she will go through to my voice mail, and that way I can decide for myself whether its “safe” to have a conversation with her. This is working well, for me at least! Last night she rang me up drunk, left two messages, one of them was abusive. I didnt return her call.

Ive spoken to her today, she sounded relatively sober and this has been my first opportunity to properly speak with her. I said to her, as I am in recovery I find it difficult to have a conversation or be around people who are drinking.

What is happening is I get exasperated with her, and find myself getting irritable and snappy with her and I explained that I don’t want to be like that with her at all, so Ive had to put in some boundaries. I gave her the example of what happened last night. She doesnt remember what she said on the voice mail. I explained to her that I love her and I accept that she drinks and I cant change that, however I do have a choice whether I want to engage in conversation with her when she has been drinking.

She was pretty upset and I feel pretty bad about it! But I can’t keep doing this with her, it is effecting my life. I pray and pray for her, I ask for paitence, love and tolerance, but it is so so hard. And I know putting boundaries in, is the only thing I can do.

I think I feel bad..... because I have been honest and she knows what I am saying is the truth, as she admitted that to me. I think I feel bad because Ive upset her....... this is horrible!!!!!

Anyone have a similar experience?

Anna

I also had to put boundaries on calls from my alcoholic mother. I knew that I would not be able to recover unless I cut down on communication with her. Fortunately, we didn't live close to each other, so I could limit phone calls to what I wanted. In my case, I didn't feel bad. My mother had verbally abused me all of my life. So, it was very liberating to step away. I should also mention that she was in denial of her alcoholism.

entropy1964

Blueberry I relate very much. My circumstances are somewhat different, but the core issue is the same. Boundaries between myself and someone I love. And being consistent with those boundaries. I know in my heart and mind that I am doing the right thing, the mature thing. And only a codependent like myself would feel 'bad' about such boundaries. That's really the issue. Its on me to let go of guilt feelings and to be strong.

You are doing the right thing. The mature thing. Its tough when its your Mom, but that just means its even more important. Sometimes the right things are the hardest things.

Stay strong.

Wholesome

I had to set up boundaries with my mother as well. I have to give it to her though, she's been really good about it, even though her life is a mess right now. I worry about her and I wish she'd quit drinking years ago because I bet her life would be a lot more stable today if she had.

She doesn't call me when she's drunk anymore though, or drink at my house.

Rar

I really believe you are doing the right thing. I speak from the alcoholic side though. I found that when I drank too much, I inevitably brought up painful past events of my life with my daughter (unrelated to her), or whined and complained about something else. One of many reasons I decided to quit drinking was after one particular call, I said to myself, "Darn......I did it again!." I had resolved to not make our conversations unpleasant to her. Since your mother felt bad about it, perhaps it will provide incentive for her to quit. I know it did me.

Fearlessat50

Good for you! Hopefully, it will also help your mom. If she doesn’t change though, you are right, you can’t change her and you have to put yourself first. As a codependent person, I have learned how important boundaries are in life and with our loved ones to our mental and emotional health. Hearing your experience inspires me.

D122y

Since I changed my lifestyle, quit drinking and started working out, all of my alky buddies have stopped coming around.

This includes family.

The benefit of getting clean, for me, is so amazing that I don't care if they don't come around.

I still care for them, but I will not worry about them drinking or doing drugs. That is their choice and I can not change it.

It has taken this long to really start to appreciate being a "normal" human vs physically addicted to booze.

I am 54 years old and I feel better than I did when I was in my early 20's. No regrets, I had a great time being a drunk most of the time.

While being a drunk I made so many mistakes and was very lucky I didn't get it tons of trouble.

I can't worry about the "what ifs." I might have been a rock star if I stayed clean, but I might have gotten hit by a bus too.



Those days are gone.

Forward march!

Thanks.

soberista

Think youve absolutely done the right thing. Just because she's your mum doesnt give her the right to phone you up and deliver a helping of verbal abuse. No one needs that in their life.

My mother is not an alcoholic but a full steam ahead narcissist. I have no contact with her because she is toxic.

You need to protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs. Hopefully it will be the vehicle of change for her. Either way you dont have to deal with it.

Xx

HTown

My late wife would not talk to her mother after 6 pm. Her mom would be drunk by then. You must establish safe boundaries for yourself first and foremost..

August252015

Blueberry, you describe my relationship with my mother so well! It was hard for me to set boundaries- I'm another one like Friends above who had t hat struggle for ages, for sure. Self protection was definitely a priority. In short, here at two and a half years sober (and she is in recovery too) we have the best relationship we have had in a very long time. I have to keep working at the boundary thing, though, to keep my side of the street clean and do what I can to keep us in a good place.

Support to you.

Gabe1980

I really admire how you are approaching your relationship with your mum. Putting boundaries is place is so important for our emotional health and it's something I continue to struggle with, with my own family. You are doing what you need to and still caring and praying for her too. xxx

blueberry2015

Thank you ❤️ I know it is the right thing for me to do, just was difficult to say it to her, I need to be consistant. The whole relationship is just sucking all my energy, I do want a relationship with her, but definitely not this one. I can only do what I can do.... the rest is up to her. It is def not a healthy relationship, never has been, but I do have control on how I deal with it.

Conversation is out of the way now and tomorrow is another day.

Thank you for all your kind words and support x x x

Gottalife

I had to give up on my mother. She was a drunk before I sobered up, though I never understood that, but she got seriously worse as I recovered. I was hopeful in the beginning that I might be of some help. I trotted her round some meetings, but she was more drunk each time so I gave up on that. I wheeled in the best AA people I knew, and we got her into two different treatment programs.

The problem was (and its much worse now) is that she hates everybody except my alcoholic sister who enables her, and jus wants to die. She does not want to stop drinking. She deteriorated to the extent that in her mid 60s she could not look after herself and went into a home. She caused so much trouble there she was chucked out. She hates me, doesnt know her grandchildren, despises any woman I might have a relationship with. She sist in her chair cinsumed with resentment, muttering and cursing everyone she has ever known, and that includes the staff of where she is now.

I recovered over 38 years ago and she has been really terrible since then. She has defied the odds, I never heard of anyone drinking like she does who lived so long. From TB she only has half a lung still working yet she has been smoking all this time too. It is terribly sad. One AA member said only the lucky ones get to die and that may well be true for my mother. A life of endless suffering and bitternes, and nothing I can to about it