StartingOverNW

This means both on here and in my physical life. I want to be closer to people but have such a hard time letting people get close to me. At the same time I honestly think the lack of having people close to me is one of the biggest reasons I drink/smoke/checkout of reality.

Its really hard for me even in AA/recovery meetings to speak up and say what's actually going on with me. I get terrible stage fright when speaking in groups, and so I often will just go to meetings, maybe announce my day count, but then clam up again, and will usually make a beeline after the meeting for an exit just because I have so much anxiety being around other people. I want to get to know people but this is a really difficult hurdle to overcome.

I have similar issues on this site too. I want to connect with people but usually can only manage more superficial messages about how many days sober I have and how I had a nice day or whatever. I rarely engage with people individually out of fear, and I think it mostly just helps me stay invisible in the background until I relapse and disappear again.

I really want to change this pattern but have a really hard time doing it.

Anyway I just needed to get this off my chest because I'm back to day 0 and am having a really depressing and painful day today.

kevlarsjal2

I have a hard time connecting with people too. Mostly because I often don't understand them and often they seem to have a way of interacting that feels odd to me. But every now and then I meet people that I get along with and where interaction feels a bit more easy and natural.
I guess to get to that point you first have to start a conversation to see if you feel comfortable with them or not.

I was never that shy but I know a friend of mine who had big problems talking to strangers or in front of a group. He started taking acting lessons and that really helped him. I don't know if this is something for you but thought I'd mention it

You could also start just writing a bit more personal stuff about yourself in this thread (like you did now) and then people will respond to it, maybe that way it'll be easier for you when you don't have to initiate a conversation with someone?

Andante

I used to think I was drinking in order to relieve feelings of fear, isolation and social anxiety. It was only after I'd been sober long enough for my head to clear that I realized it was the other way around -- the alcohol was causing those feelings.

It took some time and effort after sobering up, and I'll never be a true extroverted social butterfly, but I find it a lot easier to be around people now than I did in my drinking days.

Anna

Interestingly, you connected with me when I read your signature line.

I totally agree with you about Dr Gabor Matee's book. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is an amazing book and he is one of the most caring, gentle doctors I could imagine. He works in Vancouver's East Side, which is notoriously an area for addicts. I grew up in Vancouver.

StartingOverNW

Thanks for the reply kevlarsjal2 - Hmm the acting lessons is an interesting idea. The thought feels a little terrifying but maybe one day I could give it a shot. I can also relate to what you said about not understanding people and relating to them feels odd. I think for me part of it may be Attachment issues - it makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to interface with people normally. I also agree though that its not this way with everyone - sometimes I meet people who I can break though that with. Unfortunately because of the substance issues (and others) it seems like I always let these relationships whither away once I've formed them.

I guess some more personal stuff about me is I started my using career when I was 17 - I was basically addicted to marijuana from the first moment I smoked it because it was the first thing I found that could take me out of myself to a different place. When I turned 21 alcohol became easier to get so I switched to that. Now marijuana is legal to buy where I live so I switch back and forth while trying to keep on top of things enough at work to not get fired. I go to work, come home, usually get high on pot and check out with video games or tv shows - either way I'm checked out of my reality. Usually if I just stick to marijuana its depressing but not as bad as when I fall off the wagon with alcohol, which has happened recently.

I also have 2 cats who I love very much and are basically the only beings in my life who I'm close to and feel unconditional love with (I'm single and live alone).

StartingOverNW

I've wondered about that too - whether its a chicken or egg thing. I have gotten some sober time before (about a year a few times), and it has gotten easier usually but it never goes away. It even took me a long time to realize that one of the most important aspects of recovery programs is making connections with other people. I'd go to meetings, sometimes meet people, but still keep them at arms length beyond that - meeting for coffee/meals before or after meetings is something I've avoided for a long time out of fear, so even when I'd connect with people to some degree at meetings I'd push them away if they asked if I want to get coffee or something like that. I'm so shy that wanting to stay away from people is a really deep part of my nature, but this same issue is I think one of hte biggest reasons I can't get sober - I'm very lonely and very scared of getting close to people at the same time.

Hi Anna - that's great I'm glad you liked it too! It really opened my eyes about so many things, and also helped to feel less shame about my own issues, and have more compassion for others who are going through things I don't understand. That's neat that you're from Vancouver and so can relate to more of the details. I've lived in Seattle for over 10 years and have thought about checking out Vancouver many times but have never crossed the border the whole time I've been here - I'm so just stuck in my own place.

Magnolia17

You sound very similar to me except for the pot.

I'm living by myself here with my dogs and thinking back to my childhood my parents were so busy conducting their dysfunctional relationship that I bonded with the neighborhood stray cats and tried to block out the fighting

I think we were sensitive children maybe that checked out when we SHOULD have been taught how to cope maybe? IDK if any of this rings true. for you.

Forgive yourself for self medicating and try and learn some alternatives.

That's why I'm here.

StartingOverNW

It rings exactly true for me. I love my parents and know they tried their best with where they were at, but I think its possible they also both had broken childhoods too, and so these issues just got perpetuated. I'm trying to learn to forgive myself and learn some new approaches too. ;(

Magnolia17

I know mine did. And I loved both of them,so now I'm trying one day at a time.

Andante

I've accepted that an inclination to shy away from people and a battle between loneliness and the need for solitude are "a really deep part of my nature" too, NW, but I've found that the associated feelings of fear and anxiety are a lot easier to manage with a clear head that's not constantly wacked out from being drunk or withdrawing.

Plus, any meaningful work I've been able to do in addressing these issues was possible only after I put the drink down first.

For me at least, the "chicken" (sobriety) definitely comes before the "egg" (relieving fear and social anxiety).

least

One thing that might help you with social functioning is volunteering. If you give your time somewhere, you'll be contributing to your area. It's a good way to get to know people and do some good at the same time.

SuzesSobriety

Hey StartingOver!
You got me out of the August Class just to come read your "other thread" you mentioned. I never venture out, but see....you connected with me. Love reading more about you. I think out here in the forum and in our class you could just post about your cats everyday and connect. Animal loving seems to go hand in hand. Happy I took a peek. Glad to know more about you, StartingOver. Well done.

StartingOverNW

I like this idea. Thank you least - this is something to look forward to when I get past the fried nerves of these first few days.



Nice! Thanks for stopping by Suzes! I was feeling so down I needed to make my own thread, but all of you are helping me feel better, so thank you! I like the idea of posting more about my cats.

They're pretty awesome, but are also now getting old too. They're both 14. They've been through a LOT with me, and they are one of the few things that makes me smile every day.