Awal

i have been with P for 17years...the last 2 we have been married. About 7 years ago I found an empty brandy bottle in his work bag. He said he hadn't been sleeping and had been taking the odd nightcap. I didn't understand the secrecy but I accepted his explanation. A couple of years after this i went to get myself a vodka and tonic (very very rare l fancy a drink) only to find what was in the vodka bottle was actually water. He denied anything to do with it ...at this point I started to feel uneasy. Around 3 years ago I was clearing out the shed...I found a half full bottle of vodka hidden on a top shelf under some car mats. He said he had put it there out of the way as if it was in the house he would drink it. At this point I said I was fine with him having a drink but there was no need for secrecy.

So...last week l went to get a glass from the cupboard...right at the back, hidden behind all the other glasses was a glass half filled with what looked like water...yes you have guessed! I went mad at him...and eventually he admitted he had hidden the bottle until just a small about was left and he poured this in The glass and threw the bottle away in a public bin a mile away! His excuse? He couldn't sleep as he was worrying about his daughter who is estranged right now.

He also admitted doing the same thing about 5 weeks ago. I don't know what to believe any more. His daughter is a sore point in our life as she has brought so many problems our way over the years hence why he and she don't speak right now. Is she an excuse? A scapegoat? A smoke screen for the drinking...or a reason for the drinking?
He doesn't appear to be under the influence and only drinks in moderation when I'm around. Should I be as concerned as I am?

SparkleKitty

For an alcoholic active in their addiction, *everything* is a reason for drinking.

Awal

I guess so..but I don't want to jump to the worst conclusion here although I'm having a hard time not to!

SparkleKitty

I understand. Hiding bottles is not something non-problematic drinkers do, nor is making up excuses for doing so. What does your gut tell you?

Awal

It tells me something isn't right. But I don't want to jump to the worst conclusion in case I'm over reacting.

SparkleKitty

Are there other behaviors you've noticed?

August252015

In my experience, as the child of an alcoholic, and then the alcoholic Myself, the straight answer to your question is yes.

Ladybird579

I am estranged from 3 of my dd's following my exah antics. I don't drink. Normal social drinkers do not drink to cope with life. Alcoholics drink to cope with everything. My exah used the can't sleep excuse for his drinking. I think your suspicions are most likely correct. The question is what do you want to do about it? If he is an alcoholic he won't stop unless he decides too. Most don't decide too and it is progressive. My exah was a pro at appearing sober even when he had quite a lot to drink.

PuzzledHeart

What could be the other reasons for hiding his alcohol consumption from you?

If my husband suddenly started texting furiously at all hours of the night and hiding his phone from me, that would be a pretty good reason for my ears to ***** up. Perhaps he's having an affair? Or something's going on at work? Or perhaps one of his friends is going through a personal crisis and has sworn my husband to secrecy? Maybe he's participating in criminal activity. Or it could be as sweet as a surprise birthday party for me.

Perhaps this is just me, but I'm having a hard time trying to think of reasons why he would be hiding his alcohol consumption from you besides the obvious - he's ashamed of his drinking and doesn't want you to know about it. WHY he's ashamed about it is a whole other bag of beans. If he's addicted to alcohol, he's going to be the last person at this point who will provide you with a straight answer.

Awal

He has distanced from me...there has been no intimacy for years which l put down to his age (60s). He is irritable a lot. Just a negative person. What else should l look out for?

Awal

His daughter and l dont get get on (in fact he and his daughter dont get on!) So if he was worrying about her and losing sleep i would be the last person he would tell.

trailmix

People who drink normally don't hide their drinks. On the rare occasion you have a drink does it cross your mind to hide it? As for the lying, well that's rather unacceptable to you I would think.

A reason for drinking? I don't think he has a reason for drinking other than he wants to drink. No, you aren't over-reacting. He is either deep in denial or outright gaslighting you (the magical vodka bottle that was filled with water) and lying.

dandylion

Awal…….we have an extensive library, here (also called the "stickies")….there are over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....
This would be a good place to learn about it.....there is sooo much to learn.....
I am giving you the following link to them, for your convenience.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

AnvilheadII

and threw the bottle away in a public bin a mile away! His excuse? He couldn't sleep as he was worrying about his daughter who is estranged right now.

and what does worrying about his daughter, not being able to sleep have ANYTHING to do with taking the extra effort to take an empty liqour bottle a MILE AWAY to dispose of? this is a nonsequiter. one thing has NOTHING to do with the other.

you said twice "worst conclusion" - what would it actually mean to you if he was a problem drinker/alcoholic?

VigilanceNow

Hi Awal,

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I recognize a lot of what he is doing as things I have done myself. I have literally done everything he's done when trying my best to hide the excessive drinking I was doing. Hiding a bottle in a shed under old car mats? I'm sure he was convinced you'd never look there. Throwing a bottle away a mile from your home? Filling up a vodka bottle with water to disguise how much he's drank from it? He's obviously ashamed - VERY ashamed, and afraid of anyone (including neighbors apparently) finding out the amount and frequency he's drinking heavily. This is indicative of a very serious problem.

If you were dead against drinking yourself, perhaps this would just be his way of sneaking around to go against your rules, but you've said you enjoy the occasional vodka and tonic; why the need to hide it? As others have said, people who drink normally do not hide alcohol; they simply do not.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. If he had a legitimate reasoning for wanting a drink to relax/blow off some steam, why would he be hiding it? Trust me when I say this: an alcoholic hides their drinking because they're drinking too much too often and it's getting out of control.

I remember hiding glasses of vodka in my dresser drawer because I was afraid of the bottle being found and being immediately tossed. Hiding a glass of vodka in a cabinet is a sign of one of two things in my opinion: 1.) He was drinking when you came home unexpectedly and in a panic he hid it there instead of throwing it down the drain (an alcoholic will do anything to not waste the poison) and then he forgot about it, or 2.) Like me, he was afraid of you discovering a new bottle and put it there for easy access to come back to.

You are not jumping to rash conclusions; this is alcoholic behavior, and if he doesn't tackle it now, it will get worse before it gets better. I wouldn't approach it angrily or go too heavy on him for having secrets; if you come from a place of concern, he may open up. He is probably afraid that he's losing his grip on it, but doesn't know what to do.

Keep us updated

BoxinRotz

Does the daughter and he not get along because of the drinking?

Normal drinkers don't hide bottles, fill up empties with water and dispose of empties miles away.

Sounds like he's got an alcohol problem and doesn't want you to know how much he's consuming.

VigilanceNow

I'd also like to just quickly add, Awal, that any one of these things in isolation would not necessarily be indicative of alcoholism. You've mentioned multiple occasions of hiding his behavior, and frankly those are only the ones you've discovered; we alcoholics can be pretty crafty when preserving the ability to drink in hiding. People do anything from hiding bottles in sports drinks to bottles in toilet tanks; really just about anything.

I hope he gets help!

Awal

When i try to discuss it..he gets defensive and tells me to stop going on about it. He says he had a little problem with worry and sleeplessness and was dealing with it on his own because every time he mentions his daughter l am always negative about her and make him feel worse. He says he thinks l dont like people who drink because l once told him my ex hubby used to go out occasionally and came home worse for wear. (Stag parties or xmas etc)..so its ME who has made him secretive.

Awal

[QUOTE=BoxinRotz;6994500]Does the daughter and he not get along because of the drinking?

Normal drinkers don't hide bottles, fill up empties with water and dispose of empties miles away.

Sounds like he's got an alcohol problem and doesn't want you to know how much he's consuming.[/QUOTE

I wouldnt think his daughter is aware of the drink thing. She only comes out of the woodwork when she needs money (shes 32) and he has finally woken up to this fact...this is why they dont speak.
He didnt want me to find the bottle and question him so got rid elsewhere. He normally drinks Jack D but said he had gone off it in favour of vodka. So l bought a bottle of jack d and a bottle of vodka (as a test i suppose)and guess which one he opened???? To say he had gone off it the week before, he soon favoured it again. Vodka is easier to hide...

mylifeismine

All the behaviors you have described are classic alcoholic secret drinking behaviors as I have experienced them with AH. Lots of blaming, lots of defensiveness, strange findings that don't make sense.

Have you ever been to Alanon? Read the stickies here, lots of good info. At his age, things can go downhill quickly and older problem drinkers do not like to be alone and will try to keep the peace while doing crazy stuff to maintain their denial of the problem and continue drinking.