Amnesiac

So a lot has been going on in my life the last several years.


More recently, even more so.


My dad died a couple months ago and the year and a half sober I had (most in my life, by far) I used his death as an excuse to drink.


Now I am about to take out a mortgage on his house, I've never held a full-time job in my life longer than a year, and my physical health seems to be deteriorating.


To say fear is ruling my life right now would be an understatement.

I don't have one friend on the planet anymore now that my father is gone. If I need to drop my car off at the shop for a repair I no longer have ANYONE to give me a ride home. If I need to go under at the doctors, no one is there to give me a ride home.


I really am literally on my own now in this world at this point. And to top it off, I have extreme social phobia...I don't know how else to describe it.


Every day I think about suicide and I feel like I'm getting close to the edge.


If God is watching over me I don't know how he could have ever allowed me to be such a disastrous cluster---- of a human being. I treated my parents like ----, I've treated much of my fellows like ----, so much of this feels like poetic justice. Maybe I was meant to be tormented my entire life as a means of karma?

Amnesiac

I was raised Protestant but last Winter more than any time in my life (coincidentally the first Winter of my life I stayed sober the whole way through) I began to question God's existence, and why I (or any of us) was even born.

Had me reflecting back to philosophy courses I took in college.

What if it just goes dark when we die and for eternity?....

Then If I off myself, that's it. Then again, if that's the case, maybe that's the best thing? No more pain...no more anything.

It's a conundrum playing through my head more and more every day now, it seems.

Freedom1990

I am sorry for the profound loss of your father. I lost my mother in December of 2016, and my father in March of 2017. My dad was my hero.

Have you considered seeking help at a mental health center? I've been in therapy for several years now, and have an excellent med doctor.

I hate to hear you talk of suicide, but I've stood on that precipice before. I know the hopelessness. Sending you hugs of support.

Dee74

Hi Amnesiac

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Grief can be punishing.

I know its not the same as friends but there are people to talk to - there are some numbers and reading here;

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

and of course, there are any number of folks here who know you and who, believe it or not, care about what happens to you - you can always PM me man

D

Astro

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, Amnesiac, my Dad passed away a few years from dementia and alcoholism, it was a difficult time. Thankfully I am having very fond memories of him lately that help me through the grief.

Please take some time to read through the link that Dee posted, and remember that you are not alone in this in spite of how lonely you may be feeling. Many years ago I went to an AA meeting, telling myself that it would be my last one. I had given up on anything God might've had in store for me and just wanted to end my pain. Thankfully, His plan was much greater. Nowadays I just wonder what that old life was about because the life I have in recovery makes my jaw drop in wonder at times.

A good life is available to all of us, we've paid a price and our happiness awaits.

Hopeful528

I'm really sorry for the loss of your father Amnesiac.
And I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now.
I can identify with the feelings of complete grief and like you are alone in the world. I lost my dad in July 2015, and he was and always will be my "person" too and love like that is definitely life changing and so painful and can feel unbearable.
I can tell you that its not easy and there is no easy or fast way out but it does get better in time.
And not only that, but I found it will free you to realize how precious life is, how short we are here for, and what matters.

I also experienced that being alone felt so hard, and painful and was a long process but after being there you will rise stronger than you ever have.

I'm sorry that you are in deep pain right now but please know there are people who really care, and after a lot of healing, you are going to find yourself and figure out what really matters to you and what you might want out of life and you are going to have a good sober life.
Be kind to yourself and understanding and forgiving and loving. And know that you are very loved and here for a reason

Hopeful528

I think when we are down, our thoughts lean towards negative things that are not true, like thinking we are meant to be punished. And it is hard when we don't feel good to think of feeling anything different.

I personally believe that God is not a punishing God ever but a God of love and understanding.

I also remember a period when I was very anxious, thinking of things that could go wrong, I would think of the worst possible outcome and somehow that relaxed me somewhat to be able to accept, "ok, so this is the worst that could happen!" It most likely won't occur but I've accepted that is the worst that could occur.

Hopeful528

You have alot on your plate its understandable that you would feel the way you are feeling, but do not do anything permanent to a situation that will not always be this way.
Be easy and kind to yourself, and if the job or mortgage is too much, put yourself first.
Good luck and stay strong you did the right thing coming here to talk about it, look for other resources in your area too, to get someone face to face to see even though you dont want too its what will help

Hopeful528

Sending you a cyber hug and a cup of
Positiv i UK Tea Its going to get better and I wish you a good day today

Amnesiac

I think I have "anthropophobia" or something. I don't know. This has been going on now for 20+ years (my entire adult life) and I'm sick and tired of having to live in fear and extreme social phobia.


I've searched and searched and looked and looked for answers why I have extreme fear of eye contact and I have never been able to figure out WTF is wrong with me. I mean, I get that my mother was socially awkward and my dad was an introvert, but this "life" I'm "living" is wretched. I can't muster much more of this.


I can't live like this anymore. I hope the people that I'm seeking help from figure it out, because if they don't who knows....

Hopeful528

Can you focus on reading right now?

Is it easy to read materials?

While you are seeing professional help, start reading positive books from the library and books on social anxiety and how they overcame it, etc. and positive self-esteem etc. CBT. read as much as you can or find good audiobooks or recommended self-help authors on youtube.

I like Louise Hay for general feeling good affirmations. There are some great audiobook authors on many different self help subjects.

Go for walks in off-peak hours in a nice setting to relax your mind. Accept that this isn't where you want to be right now but it's going to be better in time.
Google relaxing breathing techniques like breathe in 4s, hold 7s, release 8s


Look up grounding techniques. My favourite one is :wiggle your toes, feel the ground, or floor, feel your toes touching it, and know you are grounded visualize yourself connected to the earth like the roots of a tree


I also find yoga and pilates very helpful if your doctor says you are able to exercise, when you are ready, it calms your mind

Hopeful528

What kind of mental health help do you have access too right now?

Hopeful528

Some other supplemental to professional mental health i use:
Epsom salt baths relax me, especially on an anxious evening.
Calming aveeno oatmeal products
Hot tea

Amnesiac

I've got coverage through the State for now, and I believe in about two months now that I switched over to full time at my job, they are going to be covering me.

I do have coverage though. I need to go back to the psychiatrist I saw last week and ask him what he knows about that anthropophobia and if I have the symptoms of it.

In the meantime I will try some of the stuff you suggested or just 'white knuckle' day-in, day-out.