Being able to trust myself - another beautiful gift of sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Being able to trust myself - another beautiful gift of sobriety
As a drunk, the person I most deceived and cheated and betrayed was myself. There was the inevitable collateral damage of course - and for a long time I am going to feel the shame, regret and sadness about how those I most loved were hurt by my choice to put alcohol above everything in my life. But in my 4th month of permanent sobriety, I am finally experiencing what non-addicts might get to feel normally - self-trust.
My wife and kids are heading out today and I'll have the house to myself. Of course for years this meant the chance to "enjoy" myself and get wasted - hoping that I could stay just sober enough to get through the last phonecall of the day, fighting the slurs, and then slug back as much poison as I could before passing out on a couch, lights on, some movie I wasn't going to remember streaming on my laptop. A garbage morning of confusion, nausea and pain.
Instead there's only the distasteful memory of that other life when I think about what I'm going to do tonight. In fact I have some yard work to take care of, think I might get myself a steak to cook, watch an old movie that my wife finds insufferably boring. Wake up before first light tomorrow and get to the gym.
I'm so thankful for sobriety. I'm grateful. I've recently posted about how the real work starts after getting sober, which I think is true. But that work is your "life's work" anyhow, in my mind. It's no longer the work of a drunk, it's the work of someone trying to discover their way, do the right thing, provide, give back, find peace, share peace, whatever. It's not shameful. It's not the utter waste my life used to be.
And I trust that I will be safe with myself tonight. That's something that is still new. And it's a gift.
My wife and kids are heading out today and I'll have the house to myself. Of course for years this meant the chance to "enjoy" myself and get wasted - hoping that I could stay just sober enough to get through the last phonecall of the day, fighting the slurs, and then slug back as much poison as I could before passing out on a couch, lights on, some movie I wasn't going to remember streaming on my laptop. A garbage morning of confusion, nausea and pain.
Instead there's only the distasteful memory of that other life when I think about what I'm going to do tonight. In fact I have some yard work to take care of, think I might get myself a steak to cook, watch an old movie that my wife finds insufferably boring. Wake up before first light tomorrow and get to the gym.
I'm so thankful for sobriety. I'm grateful. I've recently posted about how the real work starts after getting sober, which I think is true. But that work is your "life's work" anyhow, in my mind. It's no longer the work of a drunk, it's the work of someone trying to discover their way, do the right thing, provide, give back, find peace, share peace, whatever. It's not shameful. It's not the utter waste my life used to be.
And I trust that I will be safe with myself tonight. That's something that is still new. And it's a gift.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Aw there have been some amazing and inspirational posts on SR today and thank you for this one LessG!
What a change. The trusting myself is a massive motivation for me too. Trusting that I am safe, because when I drink I am not safe at all.
Thank you for inspiring me today. Rachxx
What a change. The trusting myself is a massive motivation for me too. Trusting that I am safe, because when I drink I am not safe at all.
Thank you for inspiring me today. Rachxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
As a drunk, the person I most deceived and cheated and betrayed was myself. There was the inevitable collateral damage of course - and for a long time I am going to feel the shame, regret and sadness about how those I most loved were hurt by my choice to put alcohol above everything in my life. But in my 4th month of permanent sobriety, I am finally experiencing what non-addicts might get to feel normally - self-trust.
My wife and kids are heading out today and I'll have the house to myself. Of course for years this meant the chance to "enjoy" myself and get wasted - hoping that I could stay just sober enough to get through the last phonecall of the day, fighting the slurs, and then slug back as much poison as I could before passing out on a couch, lights on, some movie I wasn't going to remember streaming on my laptop. A garbage morning of confusion, nausea and pain.
Instead there's only the distasteful memory of that other life when I think about what I'm going to do tonight. In fact I have some yard work to take care of, think I might get myself a steak to cook, watch an old movie that my wife finds insufferably boring. Wake up before first light tomorrow and get to the gym.
I'm so thankful for sobriety. I'm grateful. I've recently posted about how the real work starts after getting sober, which I think is true. But that work is your "life's work" anyhow, in my mind. It's no longer the work of a drunk, it's the work of someone trying to discover their way, do the right thing, provide, give back, find peace, share peace, whatever. It's not shameful. It's not the utter waste my life used to be.
And I trust that I will be safe with myself tonight. That's something that is still new. And it's a gift.
My wife and kids are heading out today and I'll have the house to myself. Of course for years this meant the chance to "enjoy" myself and get wasted - hoping that I could stay just sober enough to get through the last phonecall of the day, fighting the slurs, and then slug back as much poison as I could before passing out on a couch, lights on, some movie I wasn't going to remember streaming on my laptop. A garbage morning of confusion, nausea and pain.
Instead there's only the distasteful memory of that other life when I think about what I'm going to do tonight. In fact I have some yard work to take care of, think I might get myself a steak to cook, watch an old movie that my wife finds insufferably boring. Wake up before first light tomorrow and get to the gym.
I'm so thankful for sobriety. I'm grateful. I've recently posted about how the real work starts after getting sober, which I think is true. But that work is your "life's work" anyhow, in my mind. It's no longer the work of a drunk, it's the work of someone trying to discover their way, do the right thing, provide, give back, find peace, share peace, whatever. It's not shameful. It's not the utter waste my life used to be.
And I trust that I will be safe with myself tonight. That's something that is still new. And it's a gift.
I'm approaching the two week mark and very much wondering whether I'll ever be able to trust myself. I'm also in a situation where I spend a considerable amount of time alone, and that is always a trigger to drink.
Your post was both cautionary and hopeful. I wish you all the best as you learn to enjoy your alone time in healthier ways.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Man, gravity, the nostalgia and longing for it emanates from the screen, as does your resolve to live the sober life.
Nevertheless, I know you're no longer divided, and both selves are unified, which is both laudable and commendable.
Enjoy your sober weekend -- nothing beats a good Saturday steak.
Nevertheless, I know you're no longer divided, and both selves are unified, which is both laudable and commendable.
Enjoy your sober weekend -- nothing beats a good Saturday steak.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Rational Recovery calls that feeling the ACE Effect, and it is a good feeling. It was huge for me when I started trusting myself again. At the end of it all, the only one stopping me from drinking is me and I already made up my mind about it, the answer is no.
I was away last weekend with a group of old friends, and I was the only non-drinker. But it was no big deal. I had a wonderful time, I haven't laughed like in a long time. Last summer I wasn't comfortable around drinkers but this summer it didn't bother me at all. I want to be a non-drinker. I feel so much healthier. I look younger at 40 than I did at 35. I was seriously underestimating how sick drinking was making me. Being an alcoholic was hard, it was exhausting, I honestly don't know how I did it for so long. I'm never going back to it.
Enjoy that ACE Effect though lessgravity!
I was away last weekend with a group of old friends, and I was the only non-drinker. But it was no big deal. I had a wonderful time, I haven't laughed like in a long time. Last summer I wasn't comfortable around drinkers but this summer it didn't bother me at all. I want to be a non-drinker. I feel so much healthier. I look younger at 40 than I did at 35. I was seriously underestimating how sick drinking was making me. Being an alcoholic was hard, it was exhausting, I honestly don't know how I did it for so long. I'm never going back to it.
Enjoy that ACE Effect though lessgravity!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by BillieJean1
Rational Recovery calls that feeling the ACE Effect, and it is a good feeling. It was huge for me when I started trusting myself again. At the end of it all, the only one stopping me from drinking is me and I already made up my mind about it, the answer is no.
I was away last weekend with a group of old friends, and I was the only non-drinker. But it was no big deal. I had a wonderful time, I haven't laughed like in a long time. Last summer I wasn't comfortable around drinkers but this summer it didn't bother me at all. I want to be a non-drinker. I feel so much healthier. I look younger at 40 than I did at 35. I was seriously underestimating how sick drinking was making me. Being an alcoholic was hard, it was exhausting, I honestly don't know how I did it for so long. I'm never going back to it.
Enjoy that ACE Effect though lessgravity!
I was away last weekend with a group of old friends, and I was the only non-drinker. But it was no big deal. I had a wonderful time, I haven't laughed like in a long time. Last summer I wasn't comfortable around drinkers but this summer it didn't bother me at all. I want to be a non-drinker. I feel so much healthier. I look younger at 40 than I did at 35. I was seriously underestimating how sick drinking was making me. Being an alcoholic was hard, it was exhausting, I honestly don't know how I did it for so long. I'm never going back to it.
Enjoy that ACE Effect though lessgravity!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Well done less’
So glad that you are able to allow yourself to live.
You’re making great progress.
Enjoy the steaks.
( I’m well jealous my house is an animal friendly house full of vegans!)
So glad that you are able to allow yourself to live.
You’re making great progress.
Enjoy the steaks.
( I’m well jealous my house is an animal friendly house full of vegans!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
The only thing I regret from last night was the ice cream sandwich. And even that may have been worth it. What a different life. Such a better life, in every single way imaginable. And to think it was always there for the taking. Sigh. Not that I feel badly But wow. It's just the dumbest thing in the world to waste a life drunk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I love ice cream sandwiches, lately I can't stop eating the Hagen Das ice cream sticks. Mmm mmm mmm! Sugar is a total vice of mine that I can't bring myself to give up, it's just so good! I can't be a total saint though, if I've gotta have a vice, it sure is the tastiest one haha.
It really is a better life. This morning I went to visit my grandma who just moved into a retirement home. It's a hard time for her, she's lost her home and her independence and gone to live with people she doesn't know. I'm so happy that I'm sober and present to help her and visit her. When I was drinking there would be no way I would be going to visit her on a Saturday. Friday was my big drinking night, I would have been dying today laying on the couch and stuffing my face with crappy food. Instead I had a really nice visit with her, I got a chance to thank her for the times she took me to classical music shows because I played classical piano as a kid. That was really sweet and thoughtful of her. I was drinking when I lost my other grandparents and I regret that I never took the time to spend time with them. I was too busy drinking.... what a waste. All those years. My kids too. I have chunks of time that I'm missing.
Ah well, at least I've got today, and it's a good day lol
It really is a better life. This morning I went to visit my grandma who just moved into a retirement home. It's a hard time for her, she's lost her home and her independence and gone to live with people she doesn't know. I'm so happy that I'm sober and present to help her and visit her. When I was drinking there would be no way I would be going to visit her on a Saturday. Friday was my big drinking night, I would have been dying today laying on the couch and stuffing my face with crappy food. Instead I had a really nice visit with her, I got a chance to thank her for the times she took me to classical music shows because I played classical piano as a kid. That was really sweet and thoughtful of her. I was drinking when I lost my other grandparents and I regret that I never took the time to spend time with them. I was too busy drinking.... what a waste. All those years. My kids too. I have chunks of time that I'm missing.
Ah well, at least I've got today, and it's a good day lol
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
