Losing my head
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Losing my head
Am I losing my head? Did I create all this pain? Why did all this **** happen? Why didn't I WALK AWAY when I saw a sign that he was too good to be true, moving too fast, too full on. Why do I need a guy to pursue me hard? Do I need that level of validation from someone before I can fall for them? What does this say about me? Am I deeply insecure? Am I ever going to figure this out / heal myself and stop going for guys who sweep me off my feet? I'm confused as to what parts of me needs healing and how to heal! Is this going to be a life long process of healing ?? Will I get out of this place? Only to find myself back here? I'm really scared I'm losing my head... I don't know exactly where the insecurity started with.
Facts I know that ****** with my life / worldview :
My mum was sexually abused by her stepdad.
My mum became an alcoholic.
My mum left me and my sister alone with our dad for about a year when we were children (my dad was violent) and she did some crazy stuff the time she left.. But I understand my mum, I love her so much...
My sister's boyfriend tried to sleep with me when I was 13. I told him to **** off.
My sister forgave him and ended up in an abusive relationship with him for years (he even tried to kill her) until she broke it off.
Both of my parents and my stepdad are suffering from depression
My sister now suffers form anxiety and stress and now with a complete psycho.
.
And list goes on with other family madness
Meanwhile I think I'm the only ' together ' person. I'm very driven in my passions, my career. My work in making films. I can have a laugh at life! I'm generally positive and fun and caring to be around. I think... But I get angry whenever I get 'triggered' by some wrong doing. Whenever I feel that someone disrespects me I get defensive a lot. I worry about my partners cheating on me. I worry I'll get left alone. I'm veey reactive to people who I feel have 'slighted' me.
How do I deal with all this pain? And confusion? How I ended up in love with an alchoholic? And feel like I'm at the end of my rope...
All I ever wanted was a secure happy safe relationship...
Facts I know that ****** with my life / worldview :
My mum was sexually abused by her stepdad.
My mum became an alcoholic.
My mum left me and my sister alone with our dad for about a year when we were children (my dad was violent) and she did some crazy stuff the time she left.. But I understand my mum, I love her so much...
My sister's boyfriend tried to sleep with me when I was 13. I told him to **** off.
My sister forgave him and ended up in an abusive relationship with him for years (he even tried to kill her) until she broke it off.
Both of my parents and my stepdad are suffering from depression
My sister now suffers form anxiety and stress and now with a complete psycho.
.
And list goes on with other family madness
Meanwhile I think I'm the only ' together ' person. I'm very driven in my passions, my career. My work in making films. I can have a laugh at life! I'm generally positive and fun and caring to be around. I think... But I get angry whenever I get 'triggered' by some wrong doing. Whenever I feel that someone disrespects me I get defensive a lot. I worry about my partners cheating on me. I worry I'll get left alone. I'm veey reactive to people who I feel have 'slighted' me.
How do I deal with all this pain? And confusion? How I ended up in love with an alchoholic? And feel like I'm at the end of my rope...
All I ever wanted was a secure happy safe relationship...
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Surfbee, I don't know you well enough, neither do I have the education to make any judgements about what your problems might be or what you need to (or could) work on.
If this is a recurring pattern for you that you end up in the same types of situation over and over again, then I personally would take this as an indicator that it might have to do with your patterns/behaviour too.
However if it's any similar to my situation and you are left completely puzzled why this relationship turned out completely crazy despite you trying your best to make it work and it was nothing like any of your other relationships, then maybe my therapists advice also helps you:
When you get out of a relationship with someone who is mentally ill or behaves like he is (like a lot of people in active addiction do), it is normal to feel this way, to question yourself. Don't try to use their opinion of who you are or their perspective of the relationship as an indicator for who you are or what you need to work on. Because their view is massively distorted, twisted and not tied to reality. My ex was borderline paranoid sometimes to the point where he thought I was his enemy, trying to undermine him, to control and manipulate him, to use him, etc. Other times I was a goddess and an angel sent to him as a gift. Neither of those things have to do with reality. Nothing about this relationship or how it went had to do with me, I was merely an actor in his attempt to twist reality in a way so he doesn't have to deal with or admit his problems.
In short: Nothing of this says anything about you, nothing of this had to do with you. Don't try to make sense of a "crazy" person or you'll end up going crazy yourself.
Because when their reality suddenly makes sense and seems real, it's not a good sign.
If this is a recurring pattern for you that you end up in the same types of situation over and over again, then I personally would take this as an indicator that it might have to do with your patterns/behaviour too.
However if it's any similar to my situation and you are left completely puzzled why this relationship turned out completely crazy despite you trying your best to make it work and it was nothing like any of your other relationships, then maybe my therapists advice also helps you:
When you get out of a relationship with someone who is mentally ill or behaves like he is (like a lot of people in active addiction do), it is normal to feel this way, to question yourself. Don't try to use their opinion of who you are or their perspective of the relationship as an indicator for who you are or what you need to work on. Because their view is massively distorted, twisted and not tied to reality. My ex was borderline paranoid sometimes to the point where he thought I was his enemy, trying to undermine him, to control and manipulate him, to use him, etc. Other times I was a goddess and an angel sent to him as a gift. Neither of those things have to do with reality. Nothing about this relationship or how it went had to do with me, I was merely an actor in his attempt to twist reality in a way so he doesn't have to deal with or admit his problems.
In short: Nothing of this says anything about you, nothing of this had to do with you. Don't try to make sense of a "crazy" person or you'll end up going crazy yourself.
Because when their reality suddenly makes sense and seems real, it's not a good sign.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 
If this is a recurring pattern for you that you end up in the same types of situation over and over again, then I personally would take this as an indicator that it might have to do with your patterns/behaviour too..
but sadly, frustratingly, I discovered of course that alcoholism was still very much going strong in him! His issues about his custody battle with his ex... all his problems were intense and he really leaned on me to help him!
But at the end of the day, he loved me and loved me more that he did 9 years ago... so that was validating. And so I hung on.
The previous relationship before this was with a completely different type of guy but similarly, he had this 'edge' ... this sadness inside... I just loved him, wanted to care for him. Previous relationships before these - had lovely relationships that ended well and have remained friends with. But the insecurity thing of worrying that they might meet some other girl - I think that started from years ago.... so some deeper trust issues there.
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
However if it's any similar to my situation and you are left completely puzzled why this relationship turned out completely crazy despite you trying your best to make it work and it was nothing like any of your other relationships, then maybe my therapists advice also helps you:
When you get out of a relationship with someone who is mentally ill or behaves like he is (like a lot of people in active addiction do), it is normal to feel this way, to question yourself. Don't try to use their opinion of who you are or their perspective of the relationship as an indicator for who you are or what you need to work on. Because their view is massively distorted, twisted and not tied to reality. My ex was borderline paranoid sometimes to the point where he thought I was his enemy, trying to undermine him, to control and manipulate him, to use him, etc. Other times I was a goddess and an angel sent to him as a gift. Neither of those things have to do with reality. Nothing about this relationship or how it went had to do with me, I was merely an actor in his attempt to twist reality in a way so he doesn't have to deal with or admit his problems.
In short: Nothing of this says anything about you, nothing of this had to do with you. Don't try to make sense of a "crazy" person or you'll end up going crazy yourself.
Because when their reality suddenly makes sense and seems real, it's not a good sign.
When you get out of a relationship with someone who is mentally ill or behaves like he is (like a lot of people in active addiction do), it is normal to feel this way, to question yourself. Don't try to use their opinion of who you are or their perspective of the relationship as an indicator for who you are or what you need to work on. Because their view is massively distorted, twisted and not tied to reality. My ex was borderline paranoid sometimes to the point where he thought I was his enemy, trying to undermine him, to control and manipulate him, to use him, etc. Other times I was a goddess and an angel sent to him as a gift. Neither of those things have to do with reality. Nothing about this relationship or how it went had to do with me, I was merely an actor in his attempt to twist reality in a way so he doesn't have to deal with or admit his problems.
In short: Nothing of this says anything about you, nothing of this had to do with you. Don't try to make sense of a "crazy" person or you'll end up going crazy yourself.
Because when their reality suddenly makes sense and seems real, it's not a good sign.
I will take all the pain. This I'm a 'survivor' mindset - I realise this has been ingrained in my head since I was a teenager.... my mum always told me 'you're a survivor' so I'm always 'surviving'! But then I heard someone once say "don't simply survive, thrive".... how do I do that in a relationship ?
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