Failing Miserably
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Failing Miserably
Last time I wrote I made the decision to leave my bf who relapsed after 2 years. I did not leave and have failed myself. He has not worked in nearly two years and is depressed and needs help which he refuses. Note, we do not live together nor would I give him money and he has never asked. He has not had a drink in almost a week. Why do I care? WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I execute on what I know to be the right thing to do? My answer is fear and the auto play of self talk which takes over. What if he harms himself? He is going to fix this. I cannot deal with the pain. The guilt. He is alone. Blah blah blah. I know the issue is within me. My illogical thoughts are sabotaging my logical thinking. I need recovery. How do I pull the trigger and just walk away? How did you pull the trigger? Addiction sucks. Sorry for my rant.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,619
Hi NJ, no need to apologize for your "rant" your concerns are valid but feel free to rant anytime you like!
How do you get distance? You take it. It is yours to take.
A book that is recommended highly is Codependent No More: by Melody Beattie, you might want to have a look at that.
What kind of support do you have around you that understand? Have you attended Al-Anon meetings at all? If they are available in your area that would be a great place to start.
As for your worries about him if you end this relationship, you didn't cause it, can't control it and really cannot cure it (the 3 Cs). That's a decision he needs to make, you are not his keeper.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? A lot of wisdom there and in the current threads as well. A good place to start in the stickies section is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
How do you get distance? You take it. It is yours to take.
A book that is recommended highly is Codependent No More: by Melody Beattie, you might want to have a look at that.
What kind of support do you have around you that understand? Have you attended Al-Anon meetings at all? If they are available in your area that would be a great place to start.
As for your worries about him if you end this relationship, you didn't cause it, can't control it and really cannot cure it (the 3 Cs). That's a decision he needs to make, you are not his keeper.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? A lot of wisdom there and in the current threads as well. A good place to start in the stickies section is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I need recovery. How do I pull the trigger and just walk away? How did you pull the trigger? Addiction sucks.
These are the exact same thoughts alcoholics have! So what do we wish more than anything the alcoholic would do? Do THAT for yourself! The beauty is, you can choose to do this if you want it, unlike how we can't make the alkie choose recovery.
Quit the toxic substance (relationship) . Go to lots of meetings (AlAnon or any other group you like that supports friends and family of addicts), go to therapy....and (this is big): follow directions. Meaning actually DO what the programs suggest, actively do what your therapist suggests.
Dig down to the nitty gritty of why this relationship appealed to you, why you chose a partner who you feel needs you to "help" them. Why you keep going back when you know it is hurting you. What is a healthy relationship with your Self and another human being?
Try try and try again. And in that work and that trying you will learn all kinds of new things and create all kinds of new options for your life.
Be gentle with yourself, words like "I failed" may be accurate, but only in a single-use fashion. Like, I failed "this day" or "this hour" or "this test." . As long as you have breath in your lungs there is no such thing as a total fail! You have life, you have freedom, you have choices. Failing and succeeding are twin sisters, neither is permanent, one often follows the other, and neither is fatal, they just leave you with different choices to make in this moment.
A way of looking at it that isn't so reductive and final might be to just keep showing more curiosity about yourself than pass/fail judgement. "Hmmm here I am again in this place of repetitive pain, behaving the same ways I always do, why is that? Why am I so desperate not to hurt someone else but I keep hurting myself? Why do I want to fix other people when I won't fix myself? How can I be kind to myself and help myself here? What's up with me?"
When I feel utterly utterly depressed and defeated (after I've wallowed and felt sorry for myself long enough
!!) I like the phrase, "I now choose...." Because all that matters is what you choose now, not what you chose yesterday or what you say you will choose tomorrow.
The past is gone, you are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
P.S. All of this takes TIME. Easy does it! All of us are here because trying to get healthy is a life-long project...we all need support and tips and guidance on this long journey Be gentle with yourself. Glad you are here!!
These are the exact same thoughts alcoholics have! So what do we wish more than anything the alcoholic would do? Do THAT for yourself! The beauty is, you can choose to do this if you want it, unlike how we can't make the alkie choose recovery.
Quit the toxic substance (relationship) . Go to lots of meetings (AlAnon or any other group you like that supports friends and family of addicts), go to therapy....and (this is big): follow directions. Meaning actually DO what the programs suggest, actively do what your therapist suggests.
Dig down to the nitty gritty of why this relationship appealed to you, why you chose a partner who you feel needs you to "help" them. Why you keep going back when you know it is hurting you. What is a healthy relationship with your Self and another human being?
Try try and try again. And in that work and that trying you will learn all kinds of new things and create all kinds of new options for your life.
Be gentle with yourself, words like "I failed" may be accurate, but only in a single-use fashion. Like, I failed "this day" or "this hour" or "this test." . As long as you have breath in your lungs there is no such thing as a total fail! You have life, you have freedom, you have choices. Failing and succeeding are twin sisters, neither is permanent, one often follows the other, and neither is fatal, they just leave you with different choices to make in this moment.
A way of looking at it that isn't so reductive and final might be to just keep showing more curiosity about yourself than pass/fail judgement. "Hmmm here I am again in this place of repetitive pain, behaving the same ways I always do, why is that? Why am I so desperate not to hurt someone else but I keep hurting myself? Why do I want to fix other people when I won't fix myself? How can I be kind to myself and help myself here? What's up with me?"
When I feel utterly utterly depressed and defeated (after I've wallowed and felt sorry for myself long enough
!!) I like the phrase, "I now choose...." Because all that matters is what you choose now, not what you chose yesterday or what you say you will choose tomorrow. The past is gone, you are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
P.S. All of this takes TIME. Easy does it! All of us are here because trying to get healthy is a life-long project...we all need support and tips and guidance on this long journey Be gentle with yourself. Glad you are here!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
You cannot help him. You can only help yourself.
You don't live together, maybe you could give yourself some more distance by going no contact? You cannot love him into sobriety. You cannot control his drinking. Those are the hardest things I ever had to accept.
Saying it is easy, practicing it is much harder.
I would also suggest al anon. Learning to detach has been pretty liberating for me. I'm working towards total freedom as I wade through decades of repressed crap.
Maybe make a list of things you'd like to do to take care of yourself and check things off the list! Or put daily reminders on your phone calendar.
You don't live together, maybe you could give yourself some more distance by going no contact? You cannot love him into sobriety. You cannot control his drinking. Those are the hardest things I ever had to accept.
Saying it is easy, practicing it is much harder.
I would also suggest al anon. Learning to detach has been pretty liberating for me. I'm working towards total freedom as I wade through decades of repressed crap.
Maybe make a list of things you'd like to do to take care of yourself and check things off the list! Or put daily reminders on your phone calendar.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
I need recovery. How do I pull the trigger and just walk away? How did you pull the trigger? Addiction sucks.
These are the exact same thoughts alcoholics have! So what do we wish more than anything the alcoholic would do? Do THAT for yourself! The beauty is, you can choose to do this if you want it, unlike how we can't make the alkie choose recovery.
Quit the toxic substance (relationship) . Go to lots of meetings (AlAnon or any other group you like that supports friends and family of addicts), go to therapy....and (this is big): follow directions. Meaning actually DO what the programs suggest, actively do what your therapist suggests.
Dig down to the nitty gritty of why this relationship appealed to you, why you chose a partner who you feel needs you to "help" them. Why you keep going back when you know it is hurting you. What is a healthy relationship with your Self and another human being?
Try try and try again. And in that work and that trying you will learn all kinds of new things and create all kinds of new options for your life.
Be gentle with yourself, words like "I failed" may be accurate, but only in a single-use fashion. Like, I failed "this day" or "this hour" or "this test." . As long as you have breath in your lungs there is no such thing as a total fail! You have life, you have freedom, you have choices. Failing and succeeding are twin sisters, neither is permanent, one often follows the other, and neither is fatal, they just leave you with different choices to make in this moment.
A way of looking at it that isn't so reductive and final might be to just keep showing more curiosity about yourself than pass/fail judgement. "Hmmm here I am again in this place of repetitive pain, behaving the same ways I always do, why is that? Why am I so desperate not to hurt someone else but I keep hurting myself? Why do I want to fix other people when I won't fix myself? How can I be kind to myself and help myself here? What's up with me?"
When I feel utterly utterly depressed and defeated (after I've wallowed and felt sorry for myself long enough!!) I like the phrase, "I now choose...." Because all that matters is what you choose now, not what you chose yesterday or what you say you will choose tomorrow.
The past is gone, you are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
P.S. All of this takes TIME. Easy does it! All of us are here because trying to get healthy is a life-long project...we all need support and tips and guidance on this long journey Be gentle with yourself. Glad you are here!!
These are the exact same thoughts alcoholics have! So what do we wish more than anything the alcoholic would do? Do THAT for yourself! The beauty is, you can choose to do this if you want it, unlike how we can't make the alkie choose recovery.
Quit the toxic substance (relationship) . Go to lots of meetings (AlAnon or any other group you like that supports friends and family of addicts), go to therapy....and (this is big): follow directions. Meaning actually DO what the programs suggest, actively do what your therapist suggests.
Dig down to the nitty gritty of why this relationship appealed to you, why you chose a partner who you feel needs you to "help" them. Why you keep going back when you know it is hurting you. What is a healthy relationship with your Self and another human being?
Try try and try again. And in that work and that trying you will learn all kinds of new things and create all kinds of new options for your life.
Be gentle with yourself, words like "I failed" may be accurate, but only in a single-use fashion. Like, I failed "this day" or "this hour" or "this test." . As long as you have breath in your lungs there is no such thing as a total fail! You have life, you have freedom, you have choices. Failing and succeeding are twin sisters, neither is permanent, one often follows the other, and neither is fatal, they just leave you with different choices to make in this moment.
A way of looking at it that isn't so reductive and final might be to just keep showing more curiosity about yourself than pass/fail judgement. "Hmmm here I am again in this place of repetitive pain, behaving the same ways I always do, why is that? Why am I so desperate not to hurt someone else but I keep hurting myself? Why do I want to fix other people when I won't fix myself? How can I be kind to myself and help myself here? What's up with me?"
When I feel utterly utterly depressed and defeated (after I've wallowed and felt sorry for myself long enough
!!) I like the phrase, "I now choose...." Because all that matters is what you choose now, not what you chose yesterday or what you say you will choose tomorrow. The past is gone, you are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
P.S. All of this takes TIME. Easy does it! All of us are here because trying to get healthy is a life-long project...we all need support and tips and guidance on this long journey Be gentle with yourself. Glad you are here!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by alwayscovering
You cannot help him. You can only help yourself.
You don't live together, maybe you could give yourself some more distance by going no contact? You cannot love him into sobriety. You cannot control his drinking. Those are the hardest things I ever had to accept.
Saying it is easy, practicing it is much harder.
I would also suggest al anon. Learning to detach has been pretty liberating for me. I'm working towards total freedom as I wade through decades of repressed crap.
Maybe make a list of things you'd like to do to take care of yourself and check things off the list! Or put daily reminders on your phone calendar.
You don't live together, maybe you could give yourself some more distance by going no contact? You cannot love him into sobriety. You cannot control his drinking. Those are the hardest things I ever had to accept.
Saying it is easy, practicing it is much harder.
I would also suggest al anon. Learning to detach has been pretty liberating for me. I'm working towards total freedom as I wade through decades of repressed crap.
Maybe make a list of things you'd like to do to take care of yourself and check things off the list! Or put daily reminders on your phone calendar.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
When the pain of leaving became less than the pain of staying in a toxic situation, I ran.
Like yourself , we did not live together. it was not an overnight clean break . We reconnected a couple of times, he said everything I needed to hear, had me believing him, and doubting myself. Promised to knock off the daily drinking, and promised to be more invested in working toward a future together.
It NEVER happened. What did happen , the lies increased, he would rant and rave over absolute nonsense, oh and I think the drinking actually Increased.
I thank my lucky stars every day. I no longer live aboard his crazy train.
Take care of yourself, do good, healthy things for yourself, invest in yourself, remind yourself what life was like before addiction claimed your life, spend time with normal folks. Embrace your friends and family, create a support system for yourself, it truly helps.
Like yourself , we did not live together. it was not an overnight clean break . We reconnected a couple of times, he said everything I needed to hear, had me believing him, and doubting myself. Promised to knock off the daily drinking, and promised to be more invested in working toward a future together.
It NEVER happened. What did happen , the lies increased, he would rant and rave over absolute nonsense, oh and I think the drinking actually Increased.
I thank my lucky stars every day. I no longer live aboard his crazy train.
Take care of yourself, do good, healthy things for yourself, invest in yourself, remind yourself what life was like before addiction claimed your life, spend time with normal folks. Embrace your friends and family, create a support system for yourself, it truly helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Nj,
The same way an addict does it, you have to work at it. You have to want serenity so much that you will give up anything for it. You need to hit alanon or open aa meetings, you need to reach out to a therapist for one on one support. You need to read all over this forum so you can grasp what life is like with an addict at 5 years, 10 year or for me it was 34 years. You will see how ugly it can get.
Work a program my friend, and you will find serenity, I promise you.
The same way an addict does it, you have to work at it. You have to want serenity so much that you will give up anything for it. You need to hit alanon or open aa meetings, you need to reach out to a therapist for one on one support. You need to read all over this forum so you can grasp what life is like with an addict at 5 years, 10 year or for me it was 34 years. You will see how ugly it can get.
Work a program my friend, and you will find serenity, I promise you.
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