Goat's new journey
capra laeviculus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Goat's new journey
I have lived, for the past 20 years or so, in a state of denial. Well... denial maybe isn't the right word. I lived in an alternate state where the truth was what I pretended it was....
Nah, let me just call it what it is. I was not living in the truth.
I lived in a world of my own manufacture, insulating myself from criticism, manipulating every situation and every person so I was (in my own mind) the good guy.
I went to meetings and worked a program of sorts, but no matter how hard I tried I always had the feeling that the work I was doing on myself wasn't quite real. Because it wasn't. I was so far buried in self-protection that no amount of program was going to scratch the surface of the things I needed to deal with.
For the past year and a half I have been living with a particularly perceptive woman whom you all know... And she really got under my skin. I couldn't *fool* her. She always saw through my crap. The most frustrating part for me was that my crap was so deep that even I couldn't see through it anymore. I had myself completely fooled.
Something had to give. Either I was going to tuck my tail between my legs and run away, or I was going to have to face up to what I was and finally accept the truth and start living a real life.
What it came down to is that deep down I *knew* that I wasn't living in the truth and that there was a better way. What I didn't know was how to change.
And the most dangerous part is that my lack of truth was keeping me close to alcohol. I drank several times. And when I drink it is very bad. I get hurt every time. People around me get hurt. And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone, especially the people I love. I was distancing myself further and further from my parents and my children and my wife.
Finally last week I experienced a miracle. I (with amazing help from Suzanne) made a very big effort and threw off the shroud of lies and self-loathing all at once, and I felt freedom for the first time.
That freedom in an instant became so precious to me. It is the thing I want most in the world. Through that freedom -- though the truth -- is the future I want.
Since then I have come to realize that the freedom that I so desperately need is not something I can ever take for granted. I must work my program, I must practice rigorous honesty and humility. I have to call myself on my crap.
And that is why I started this thread. I intend to post here every day. Talk about what is going on with me. Make sure I stay in the light rather than slinking back into the shadows.
I want this freedom, more than anything, and I will be damned if I will let it slip away because I wasn't willing to work for it.
Nah, let me just call it what it is. I was not living in the truth.
I lived in a world of my own manufacture, insulating myself from criticism, manipulating every situation and every person so I was (in my own mind) the good guy.
I went to meetings and worked a program of sorts, but no matter how hard I tried I always had the feeling that the work I was doing on myself wasn't quite real. Because it wasn't. I was so far buried in self-protection that no amount of program was going to scratch the surface of the things I needed to deal with.
For the past year and a half I have been living with a particularly perceptive woman whom you all know... And she really got under my skin. I couldn't *fool* her. She always saw through my crap. The most frustrating part for me was that my crap was so deep that even I couldn't see through it anymore. I had myself completely fooled.
Something had to give. Either I was going to tuck my tail between my legs and run away, or I was going to have to face up to what I was and finally accept the truth and start living a real life.
What it came down to is that deep down I *knew* that I wasn't living in the truth and that there was a better way. What I didn't know was how to change.
And the most dangerous part is that my lack of truth was keeping me close to alcohol. I drank several times. And when I drink it is very bad. I get hurt every time. People around me get hurt. And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone, especially the people I love. I was distancing myself further and further from my parents and my children and my wife.
Finally last week I experienced a miracle. I (with amazing help from Suzanne) made a very big effort and threw off the shroud of lies and self-loathing all at once, and I felt freedom for the first time.
That freedom in an instant became so precious to me. It is the thing I want most in the world. Through that freedom -- though the truth -- is the future I want.
Since then I have come to realize that the freedom that I so desperately need is not something I can ever take for granted. I must work my program, I must practice rigorous honesty and humility. I have to call myself on my crap.
And that is why I started this thread. I intend to post here every day. Talk about what is going on with me. Make sure I stay in the light rather than slinking back into the shadows.
I want this freedom, more than anything, and I will be damned if I will let it slip away because I wasn't willing to work for it.
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