When do things really start to feel better?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
When do things really start to feel better?
Some days I do nothing but sleep, others I'm showered seeing my therapist, journaling, etc. I will only do eBay for a job right now as I can control how much/how little. Some days like today I cry a river of tears. Days like today I miss him. I can't call I changed the account. I learned so much in 1 year from the disease I honestly think if the alcohol wasn't around he would have married me and vice versa. It was the fastest year of my life with high and lows I'm only 34 I don't want to mope around forever. Do drunks ever realize what they had and if they don't is it normal to have a bad day of misery. I do worry about him don't make a fb and embarrass myself he will just block me? Radio silence
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is futile to ask the people who hurt us to also heal us.
with time you will likely explore why this person became so much your EVERYTHING and why this break up is so particularly difficult.
the key isn't them or their drinking, its about our own unmet needs, lack of self esteem, ignoring red flags. we continued to "choose" them when all evidence was to the contrary.
with time you will likely explore why this person became so much your EVERYTHING and why this break up is so particularly difficult.
the key isn't them or their drinking, its about our own unmet needs, lack of self esteem, ignoring red flags. we continued to "choose" them when all evidence was to the contrary.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Shredder, I have been following your posts.
I read what you write, (and saying this without malice), but holy moly, I do not respond because after reading what you write I am on the struggle bus, just trying to process. The absence of punctuation in some of your posts, leaves the reader to more than one interpretation/ scenario.
Pretty certain Anvil has nailed it , those that hurt us, will never heal us.
You are the real deal, he is simply a moment in Time. How bout we talk about you?
The only thing I can add, whether you relocate to Florida, Alaska, or the moon, wherever you go, there you are. .
An 11-12 month relationship does not define you or the rest of your life.
I read what you write, (and saying this without malice), but holy moly, I do not respond because after reading what you write I am on the struggle bus, just trying to process. The absence of punctuation in some of your posts, leaves the reader to more than one interpretation/ scenario.
Pretty certain Anvil has nailed it , those that hurt us, will never heal us.
You are the real deal, he is simply a moment in Time. How bout we talk about you?
The only thing I can add, whether you relocate to Florida, Alaska, or the moon, wherever you go, there you are. .
An 11-12 month relationship does not define you or the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Nothing...and I mean nothing..gets better unless you work at making whatever "it" is better. What are you doing to better your situation,without outside influences? To me..that's the question that I had to answer to get my life where I was content.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Sorry about that Marie
Yes, I should use better punctuation. I come from a long line of school teachers in my family. My mom is a retired 5th grade English teacher. I think when I'm posting a new thread I'm having an anxious moment. During anxious moments I'm not concerned about punctuation, spell check, or perfect grammar. It is not personal to anyone on here I think it's like when your journaling you spill your guts. I apologize.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hello Shredder, I also have been following your threads and like Marie, I've found them difficult to understand because of the lack of punctuation. Thanks for your last post, it is much easier to read! I don't mean this to criticize, really, I get that you're kind of spilling your guts, kind of stream of consciousness and that's fine but can be confusing to read.
I also think Marie nailed it with I understand your feelings are strong and I'm sorry for your pain. If you continue no contact, if you continue doing the next right thing, you will feel better. Maybe not as soon as you'd like but you will. Kudos for going to therapy and journaling. Writing helps us feel in control.
You seem like a smart and capable person. Glad you're here.
I also think Marie nailed it with
An 11-12 month relationship does not define you or the rest of your life.
You seem like a smart and capable person. Glad you're here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi shredder,
Please don't worry about punctuation. Really, that doesn't matter at all.
What does matter is you. How you process your grief and your pain. And it's real, and it is yours.
It's hard going through a bad breakup from a toxic relationship. It takes effort every day. During one particular breakup, I remember telling myself that this one person could not define me...or the rest of my life! I deserved better.
So, I started to journal every day--at least 20 minutes of writing. It didn't matter how I wrote, punctuation, grammar, spelling....nothing. Just that I got whatever was in my head out and onto paper. Sometimes great, big, angry letters that covered the whole page....and it really helped.
Keep moving forward...keep taking care of you. You deserve the best treatment! You deserve a peaceful and joy-filled life
Please don't worry about punctuation. Really, that doesn't matter at all.
What does matter is you. How you process your grief and your pain. And it's real, and it is yours.
It's hard going through a bad breakup from a toxic relationship. It takes effort every day. During one particular breakup, I remember telling myself that this one person could not define me...or the rest of my life! I deserved better.
So, I started to journal every day--at least 20 minutes of writing. It didn't matter how I wrote, punctuation, grammar, spelling....nothing. Just that I got whatever was in my head out and onto paper. Sometimes great, big, angry letters that covered the whole page....and it really helped.
Keep moving forward...keep taking care of you. You deserve the best treatment! You deserve a peaceful and joy-filled life
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
For me...it started to get better when I finally accepted facts and quit living on hope. I started living for me and came to the very painful decision that his struggle was his alone and 100% of me could not change 1% of him.
I have come to a place now where I truly wish him the best but there is no way that it will ever be with me.
I'm not his answer and he is not mine.
I wish you peace and clarity in your journey.
I have come to a place now where I truly wish him the best but there is no way that it will ever be with me.
I'm not his answer and he is not mine.
I wish you peace and clarity in your journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Good Morning
I'm finally getting it! Baby steps. I don't have to save the world in a day. I can never save anyone but myself.
One prior relationship lasted 7 years it was domestic violence. It was from 18-25. I tried to leave many a times but I was afraid of him. After countless physical alterations and him telling me not to go to the police I finally did he demolished my car and threw cinder blocks at me while I was in it. I finally put him in jail he served 90 days and I never looked back.
Relationship #2 he was a narcissist. I had no idea at first. I was very much in love as he would mirror me and take me out and show me off. I was top supply. I noticed on the weekends he would power off his phone and/or another female would call and say if that was your man it wasn't last night from his phone. It would give me debilating anxiety. He always would reassure me it was a crazy ex and want to take me out or think if he got me in the bedroom he could get my mind off it. I started googling his behaviors and I found a book When love is a lie The Narcissists Pathological Agenda by Zari Ballard. Every female had the same story. I actually left him I was empowered I knew he was a fraud I left once for 8 months and I did have a slip up where he hoovered me and loved bombed me I kind of believed it I half ass went back. I left again shortly after both of those partners I have no feelings for, I'm not a fan. They have tried to reach out or see me places they don't get a peep I had a mental funeral.
I think I typed enough I'll explain at some point why this one hurts more. I hope my punctuation and grammar was ok.
One prior relationship lasted 7 years it was domestic violence. It was from 18-25. I tried to leave many a times but I was afraid of him. After countless physical alterations and him telling me not to go to the police I finally did he demolished my car and threw cinder blocks at me while I was in it. I finally put him in jail he served 90 days and I never looked back.
Relationship #2 he was a narcissist. I had no idea at first. I was very much in love as he would mirror me and take me out and show me off. I was top supply. I noticed on the weekends he would power off his phone and/or another female would call and say if that was your man it wasn't last night from his phone. It would give me debilating anxiety. He always would reassure me it was a crazy ex and want to take me out or think if he got me in the bedroom he could get my mind off it. I started googling his behaviors and I found a book When love is a lie The Narcissists Pathological Agenda by Zari Ballard. Every female had the same story. I actually left him I was empowered I knew he was a fraud I left once for 8 months and I did have a slip up where he hoovered me and loved bombed me I kind of believed it I half ass went back. I left again shortly after both of those partners I have no feelings for, I'm not a fan. They have tried to reach out or see me places they don't get a peep I had a mental funeral.
I think I typed enough I'll explain at some point why this one hurts more. I hope my punctuation and grammar was ok.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
It truly is a series of baby steps.
Life started to get better when I was able to acknowledge and accept the role I played in a toxic relationship.
I held on to the hope that the alcoholic was going to change. At the time I really believed that love and support was going to fix him. ( I was completely uneducated about addiction)
So when all the hurt and disappointment started building up, I refused to give up on such a wonderful person, . I could not wrap my head around the fact that the wonderful person, and the out of control drunk were the SAME person.
I made excuses for so long, that I got lost living in my own lies.
The reason we say take your time, be patient with yourself, is because we truly understand the absolute “what the hell just happened” , and disappointment you are experiencing.
Hopefully soon, you will be ready to accept this as the life lesson it is, and look forward to a healthy future.
There is a whole wide world, just waiting for you to explore.
Be well, friend.
Life started to get better when I was able to acknowledge and accept the role I played in a toxic relationship.
I held on to the hope that the alcoholic was going to change. At the time I really believed that love and support was going to fix him. ( I was completely uneducated about addiction)
So when all the hurt and disappointment started building up, I refused to give up on such a wonderful person, . I could not wrap my head around the fact that the wonderful person, and the out of control drunk were the SAME person.
I made excuses for so long, that I got lost living in my own lies.
The reason we say take your time, be patient with yourself, is because we truly understand the absolute “what the hell just happened” , and disappointment you are experiencing.
Hopefully soon, you will be ready to accept this as the life lesson it is, and look forward to a healthy future.
There is a whole wide world, just waiting for you to explore.
Be well, friend.
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