New realizations and a MASSIVE internal shift
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
New realizations and a MASSIVE internal shift
Over the past 48hours I’ve been living down in the rabbit hole of information about narcissists and the narcissistic abuse cycle. My god!!!!!!!!!!!
That is him to the very letter. It’s incredible. I suspected it years ago! I think I’m the first year? But I was getting love bombed and future faked so I forgot about it till my therapist said she suspected he was a narcissist. Boy was she right.
I feel free now that I know EXACTLY what I needed to feel fully informed in order to make a fully informed decision free of a shadow of doubt or regret.
I thought what I needed to know was in his phone BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!! I no longer have that need or impulse. I actually don’t care. I can, have and will assume the worst and that he probably started cheating before the relapse. I don’t need to ask or have any confirmation, assurance, proof or whatever. Now I see there was ABSOLUTELY no point because MOST IMPORTANTLY I know exactly who I married and got knocked up by.. I thought he was just an addict and a liar but my god - that was indeed the tip of the iceberg.
The more I learn the colder and steelier I grow regarding him. He can flirt with, date and f**k every woman within 100 miles of me and parade her in my face and I will not feel a thing because I know they are all NOTHING BUT SUPPLY HE IS LEACHING ON. Nothing more, ever.
Within a year He will be living with a woman and projecting that perfect bf/husband facade to perfection and i thought it would kill me when it happens. But now all I feel is pity for any woman who allows him in in any capacity because he will idealize devalue and discard them like he did to me and every woman before me. How far it gets wil be the only difference.
He said something in the “couples counseling” session on Monday that I’ve thought about regarding His pattern of leaching on women. We are both in our mid thirties and since he was 18, he has lived with each woman he was with - that’s 4 woman including me - all long term relationships.
1.18-21
2. 22-24
3. 24-30
4. Me, 31-37
The destruction he caused to each woman escalated with mine being the most horrific to date. He described all the exes as “crazy, dumb, delusional, mean…” all while exalting me to the highest of highs, so I know this is the story he is spreading about me to whoever will listen to him including all the new supplies he is love bombing.
The pattern I recognized starts with he was living just like he is now: renting a room from someone because he has never had enough financial stability to have an apartment of his own, by himself. He can only achieve the standard of living he desires and the projection of status he needs by living with a woman.
All four of us were living in our own apartments, not renting out a room. All of us were gainfully employed and stable, and the one before me came from academic money. With each of us he moved out of a room rental into the places we lived.
For me he made himself indispensable. He would come over and clean my apartment, bring groceries, fix stuff, listen to me and five immense emotional support and generally be “a dream”. He was also at my place all the damn time that it felt like he lived there. A little over a year after we met he moved out of his room rental, I moved out of my apartment and we moved into a place together. We moved a couple of times with each place being more beautiful than the last. It was the picture you look at and think - “wow what a couple! And their home is amazing!” See I can do that independently but at his age he absolutely cannot and knowing his finances, he will not be able to so the next woman will have to be financially well to do. Chances for that are better now because of our age and single women 35+ tend to be doing well. He will repeat this pattern very quickly because now he will have legally binding financial obligations to his children, so she’ll have to have money.
I feel free to be in the world now without the feelings of longing that were crushing my heart. It’s because I know what I was longing for never actually existed. It would crush me to see couples or families out and about and I have had many meltdowns while out and about since having these twins in May. Sometimes I was out alone, or with friends, or with just my daughter, or out alone with the kids but I would feel overwhelming grief wanting “my husband and family back”.
Not anymore, it was all a lie and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It’s been so bad that I’ve hardly left the house since having the babies because I was so easily triggered. Well that and also logistically it’s difficult to get out and about alone with twins. That difficulty would then spur me into wanting him because family is what we were supposed to be! Ha!
This revelation and subsequent world of information about Narcissists and the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse has been the single most powerful catalyst in what feels like me gaining my power back.
If you suspect your boyfriend or husband is a narcissist, I strongly urge you to educate yourself and get away as soon as humanly possible. Let me be a lesson to you, to trust your gut, not move in, not marry and definitely not get pregnant by a narcissist. I did all those things and well, here I am. Don’t be me. Knowledge is power y’all.
Please Tell me your stories if any of this resonates.
Start here and dig:
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/word-salad-narc-speak/
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/counseling-narcissists/
That is him to the very letter. It’s incredible. I suspected it years ago! I think I’m the first year? But I was getting love bombed and future faked so I forgot about it till my therapist said she suspected he was a narcissist. Boy was she right.
I feel free now that I know EXACTLY what I needed to feel fully informed in order to make a fully informed decision free of a shadow of doubt or regret.
I thought what I needed to know was in his phone BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!! I no longer have that need or impulse. I actually don’t care. I can, have and will assume the worst and that he probably started cheating before the relapse. I don’t need to ask or have any confirmation, assurance, proof or whatever. Now I see there was ABSOLUTELY no point because MOST IMPORTANTLY I know exactly who I married and got knocked up by.. I thought he was just an addict and a liar but my god - that was indeed the tip of the iceberg.
The more I learn the colder and steelier I grow regarding him. He can flirt with, date and f**k every woman within 100 miles of me and parade her in my face and I will not feel a thing because I know they are all NOTHING BUT SUPPLY HE IS LEACHING ON. Nothing more, ever.
Within a year He will be living with a woman and projecting that perfect bf/husband facade to perfection and i thought it would kill me when it happens. But now all I feel is pity for any woman who allows him in in any capacity because he will idealize devalue and discard them like he did to me and every woman before me. How far it gets wil be the only difference.
He said something in the “couples counseling” session on Monday that I’ve thought about regarding His pattern of leaching on women. We are both in our mid thirties and since he was 18, he has lived with each woman he was with - that’s 4 woman including me - all long term relationships.
1.18-21
2. 22-24
3. 24-30
4. Me, 31-37
The destruction he caused to each woman escalated with mine being the most horrific to date. He described all the exes as “crazy, dumb, delusional, mean…” all while exalting me to the highest of highs, so I know this is the story he is spreading about me to whoever will listen to him including all the new supplies he is love bombing.
The pattern I recognized starts with he was living just like he is now: renting a room from someone because he has never had enough financial stability to have an apartment of his own, by himself. He can only achieve the standard of living he desires and the projection of status he needs by living with a woman.
All four of us were living in our own apartments, not renting out a room. All of us were gainfully employed and stable, and the one before me came from academic money. With each of us he moved out of a room rental into the places we lived.
For me he made himself indispensable. He would come over and clean my apartment, bring groceries, fix stuff, listen to me and five immense emotional support and generally be “a dream”. He was also at my place all the damn time that it felt like he lived there. A little over a year after we met he moved out of his room rental, I moved out of my apartment and we moved into a place together. We moved a couple of times with each place being more beautiful than the last. It was the picture you look at and think - “wow what a couple! And their home is amazing!” See I can do that independently but at his age he absolutely cannot and knowing his finances, he will not be able to so the next woman will have to be financially well to do. Chances for that are better now because of our age and single women 35+ tend to be doing well. He will repeat this pattern very quickly because now he will have legally binding financial obligations to his children, so she’ll have to have money.
I feel free to be in the world now without the feelings of longing that were crushing my heart. It’s because I know what I was longing for never actually existed. It would crush me to see couples or families out and about and I have had many meltdowns while out and about since having these twins in May. Sometimes I was out alone, or with friends, or with just my daughter, or out alone with the kids but I would feel overwhelming grief wanting “my husband and family back”.
Not anymore, it was all a lie and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It’s been so bad that I’ve hardly left the house since having the babies because I was so easily triggered. Well that and also logistically it’s difficult to get out and about alone with twins. That difficulty would then spur me into wanting him because family is what we were supposed to be! Ha!
This revelation and subsequent world of information about Narcissists and the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse has been the single most powerful catalyst in what feels like me gaining my power back.
If you suspect your boyfriend or husband is a narcissist, I strongly urge you to educate yourself and get away as soon as humanly possible. Let me be a lesson to you, to trust your gut, not move in, not marry and definitely not get pregnant by a narcissist. I did all those things and well, here I am. Don’t be me. Knowledge is power y’all.
Please Tell me your stories if any of this resonates.
Start here and dig:
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/word-salad-narc-speak/
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/counseling-narcissists/
Last edited by ISOfulfillment; 08-22-2018 at 10:24 AM. Reason: Misspelling
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hello dear. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's rough. Yes being with a narcissist is terrible! You are seeing more and more truth about him...it's hard and painful....but you are going to get through this one day at a time. If you're having trouble getting through your day, take it one hour at a time. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. Take care of yourself as best you can right now. I know it's hard because of the babies and you have your hands full....but you've got to put your health and well being right up there at the top. Take care of yourself so you CAN take care of your babies. You have my love and support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
A lot of this hits close to home. I did a lot of research on narcissists, and it was healing and validating. I finally understood why he acted the way he did... however, that did not necessarily mean I was ready to address why I allowed him to.
I remember reading on a blog that was written about narcissists something along the lines of: "Do enough research that you understand the condition. Then stop." I thought this was awesome and honest advice. It was obviously not in the financial interest of the blogger to say this, so I appreciated that she said it. And it really is true- we can become so obsessed with trying to understand them, but really it's us that we need to understand, so we can break the pattern.
I don't know about you, but my ex was not the only narcissist I've loved. I have issues. Even after I left my addict ex I ended up with another narcissist. He was a sober one, but a narcissist, nonetheless.
Learn what you can- enough to help you to stay away. Then turn the focus back to you.
I remember reading on a blog that was written about narcissists something along the lines of: "Do enough research that you understand the condition. Then stop." I thought this was awesome and honest advice. It was obviously not in the financial interest of the blogger to say this, so I appreciated that she said it. And it really is true- we can become so obsessed with trying to understand them, but really it's us that we need to understand, so we can break the pattern.
I don't know about you, but my ex was not the only narcissist I've loved. I have issues. Even after I left my addict ex I ended up with another narcissist. He was a sober one, but a narcissist, nonetheless.
Learn what you can- enough to help you to stay away. Then turn the focus back to you.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Yup. My ex was a narcissist addict. I agree with Hechoosedrugs. Learn as much as you need to know and then stop. Focus on you. Focus on your recovery and your boundaries... because you are allowed to have them. Also, there is information out there about narcissists on places like youtube. I would avoid reading the comments section. Why? Some of those people are narcissists pretending to be victims. They ALWAYS pretend to be victims. It lures the empaths in. They need an ongoing supply of empaths just in case one of their targets doesn't "work out". You are and will slowly find your way back to yourself. You said before that you wish you had listened to your intuition, but the type of manipulation these people do make it hard for that to happen. Now that you know the signs, the red flags, you can protect yourself. Work on protecting yourself. You were awesome before you met him and you can go back to that because that is who you really are. As a security measure, give yourself at least a year or two (the longer the better) to heal before getting into another relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
ISOfulfillment: I am sorry for what you've experienced but it seems you are very strong and capable to survive and thrive separate from him. Hugs to your babes. I know it is hard for all of you.
The input from other posters is spot on and key-- including:
teatreeoil007, " I know it's hard because of the babies and you have your hands full....but you've got to put your health and well being right up there at the top. Take care of yourself so you CAN take care of your babies."
"Hechosedrugs, "Learn what you can- enough to help you to stay away. Then turn the focus back to you."
OpheliaKatz, "Work on protecting yourself. You were awesome before you met him and you can go back to that because that is who you really are. As a security measure, give yourself at least a year or two (the longer the better) to heal before getting into another relationship. "
Personally, over much time I've been able to continue working on keeping my boundaries, continue working on healing, continue to work on transcending the narcissistic tactics and it helps; as you may have guessed, the narc is still in my life and that, in itself, just plain complicates things and takes lots of energy and effort in order to deal.
The input from other posters is spot on and key-- including:
teatreeoil007, " I know it's hard because of the babies and you have your hands full....but you've got to put your health and well being right up there at the top. Take care of yourself so you CAN take care of your babies."
"Hechosedrugs, "Learn what you can- enough to help you to stay away. Then turn the focus back to you."
OpheliaKatz, "Work on protecting yourself. You were awesome before you met him and you can go back to that because that is who you really are. As a security measure, give yourself at least a year or two (the longer the better) to heal before getting into another relationship. "
Personally, over much time I've been able to continue working on keeping my boundaries, continue working on healing, continue to work on transcending the narcissistic tactics and it helps; as you may have guessed, the narc is still in my life and that, in itself, just plain complicates things and takes lots of energy and effort in order to deal.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's good you have found clarity and that it is helping you let go of the pain. Understanding my son's addiction helped me quite a bit.
Then...finding out more about "me" was the beginning of my personal healing. I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted from life, and it was a good experience getting to know "that stranger called me".
Then...finding out more about "me" was the beginning of my personal healing. I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted from life, and it was a good experience getting to know "that stranger called me".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
