clarity888

I just need to vent about something. It has to do with AH's parents, who are on vacation, and both drink (a lot of social drinking went on when AH and his parents, and even I, got together, more so at big family gatherings at their place). They know he just finished a rehab program though he continued working throughout (it was outpatient).

What bothers me is seeing one of them holding a beer in one picture on social media, and of course another picture (later, somewhere else) where they've checked into the cool brewery in whatever town they're in. They're nice, successful people. But alcohol has not been kind to some of their relatives, including their son, and I wish they'd freaking consider maybe NOT posting pics of that stuff knowing that I am seeing it. They know BEER has caused an immense amount of pain here, and surely it's a huge loss now that there won't be any more social drinking with their son, or talks about all the wonderful craft beers in the world.

I know I am making someone's BS social media facade all about me. I guess I should unfollow that person. I'm surprised they weren't more sensitive about it (really I am just hurt). Maybe I have no right to be. Thanks for listening.

suki44883

You are right, you should unfollow them. They have the right to post whatever they want. If you have a problem with it, then it's up to you to do something about it. You cannot change them, so you'll have to change yourself.

clarity888

Yeah, I just unfollowed. Thanks Suki.

dandylion

clarity...….in your current circumstances, I can well imagine that you would be harboring a lot of anger, hurts and/or resentments, in general....
I think that when we are carrying a basketful of resentments.....we can have a tendency to project it in many directions...…
It comes with the territory.....

Yeah, I think it is a good idea to avoid facebook, also....

CodeJob

What does your H think about his family’s drinking habits? That would be interesting for you two to talk about.

My H would initially point out problem drinkers to me at gas stations and restaurants. I am not at all much of a drinker and was quite impressed. He admitted to me he loved how alcohol made him feel from his very first Dixie cup as a kid. Alcohol was always different for him, right from the beginning, His family scrapped the alcohol the first time we were home for a get together. Everyone was acting all self conscious like he would fall into a cooler and start drinking like a fiend. He told them to go ahead and drink. It did not bother him. Five years on and now every family event now has a cooler of LaCroix mixed in with all the other offerings. It’s just a small but thoughtful change.

He has a brother who we hear has a problem, and I get all worked up about the family gossip and he says calmly, ‘ I’m here if he wants to talk.’

There are times my RAH is ahead of me in recovery. He minds his own business. He sets an example. He’s willing to talk if someone asks about his choices and history. He’s wise enough to know the world isn’t going to change just for one black-Irish drinker that managed to stop.

hopeful4

I am just going to give my two cents here. You cannot expect them to change their posts/hobbies due to his addiction. I can see being offended if you were all actually together, but a post on social media? You are right to just unfollow.

Big hugs, I know it's hard.

SparkleKitty

Back when I'd been dating XABF for a few months, I had what I believed to be this "lightbulb moment" where I decided to ask a mutual friend of ours, who was a bartender at the X's favorite hangout (no coincidence there), to maybe consider not serving XABF anymore once he was clearly already trashed.

Our mutual friend wouldn't get into this with me any further than, "He's an adult."

It was a few weeks before those words settled in and I was able to reflect on my own belief that the people surrounding XABF could somehow manage him or fix him in anyway by their actions or words. I was still struggling to control the uncontrollable.

SmallButMighty

I think it's normal you had a reaction to seeing their FB posts... but what is best of all is that you recognized a lot of your own feelings towards it and instead of freaking out at them you came here and vented in this safe place instead. You made a smart choice! *hugs*


P.S. I also think it's smart you decided to unfollow the people who post things that distress you

atalose

I often hear a lot of new combers in al-anon make statements like………….

I’m going to tell the liquor store to stop selling him any more booze.

I’m going to go tell the bar tender at his favorite bar to not serve him anymore.

I am going to go tell his best friend to stop asking him to go out for drinks.

I’m going to tell my family and his that no more alcohol at any family events.

I will no longer allow him/her to attend social functions where alcoholic is being served.

As SparkleKilly said, trying to control the uncontrollable.

clarity888

Thanks all. I might add that AH isn't on social media, it's only me who can see the parents drinking habits on FB. I honestly don't want to control what they do, nor do I expect them to stop drinking at events or anywhere, even when he is there. I just don't want to look at it on my computer, so I will change that. I have sadness that some of their habits and genes have contributed to his disease, and that it's a family disease (one parent has the same A abuse issue--and refuses to discuss AH's situation/being in recovery w/him at all, per the other parent, the "fixer"). I don't like the visual reminder, but I can at least turn off those posts. I'm grateful I could vent here instead of doing something else.

trailmix

I'm glad you came here to post too clarity.

What you wrote above that you have sadness over their choices and genes. Well, we are all dealt genes, in some ways alcoholism isn't the worst! It's being human. We are also given free will.

I guess my suggestion is that if their behavior and ideas upset you, completely distance yourself from them. They have no more control over his addiction that you do.

That they can seem to be out enjoying cocktails seems counter to what you may think they should show, remember they have had years of this before you arrived on the scene and years to practice detaching.

hopeful4

Vent away clarity! I totally get it! We are here for you!

pdm22

I know of a family like this, family members of an old college buddy who died a few years back (severe alcoholism, spiraled into heavier drugs later). They post lots of alcohol posts and jokes. Honestly, though, it seems to be the trend now to just blame things on “mental illness”, I think because they all drink and party, they blamed his problem on something else.

I’ve noticed this happening among professional circles too, where even 15-20 years ago, they’d wait at least a year into sobriety before considering a mental health diagnosis, to give people a chance to get the alcohol and drugs out of their systems, and to get things (sleep, nutrition, social supports/ etc) straightened out- these days it seems like it’s pretty common to just blame things on “mental illness”. Not saying that’s the case with the family you are referring to, but just something I’ve observed. Who knows, they might not even be linking the beer/ alcohol to being the issue?

Sasha1972

I have blocked a few people on social media and "unfollowed" a few more, because just seeing their posts was making anger well up in me. I've never regretted blocking them - never thought "gee, I really wish I had seen a bunch more posts from xxx about whatever it was that was making me angry". So I think you are doing exactly the right thing by blocking the ex-inlaws, and at the same time I know how infuriating their posts can be, even when you understand that it's not all about you. We might not be able to control our emotional reactions, but we can control how we respond to situations.

AnvilheadII

i flat out killed my FB account and you what happened?
NOTHING. it didn't impact my life one bit. if i want to see how someone is doing i can CALL them.

trailmix

So true! I do have FB, I use it to play games and I talk to my immediate family. That's it - nothing else, oh i'm a member of my neighbourhood group, so I can hear neighbourhood stuff, which is fine and some online sales groups.

Other than that, I can't see a use for it at all.

53500

Great point! I've never had FB. Some family members try to convince me to get it to "keep up" , and I know I miss pics that I'd likely enjoy, but it sure seems to create a lot of heartache.

velma929

He may be an adult, but where I live serving someone already drunk will get your liquor license revoked.

My sister and I disagree so vehemently on politics I don't follow her. Out of 100 or so friends, I follow maybe five or six? It makes for quick reading, mostly pics of other folks' grandkids and cat videos.

hopeful4

I have FB and have my XAH, his wife, and several of his family members blocked. They cannot see my stuff, I cannot see theirs. Not even if we would comment on the same post could we see each others. If you are not comfortable with that, you can also "hide" people so you don't see their stuff without fully blocking them. There are definitely options.