My dad is one of my biggest triggers
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My dad is one of my biggest triggers
So. in a nutshell - my mom died when i was a little kid. My dad has a new family, with a new wife and new stepkids and new stepgrandkids. Which is fine, I have my own life too with my mom’s family 2 hours away. And I’m totally good being independent, in fact i prefer it that way....Growing up without one parent, and the other one traveling for weeks at a time for work, will do that to you. Since my dad’s been remarried, his wife and her family have slowly made their way into becoming his entire world (in a not so healthy way), and at the same time I’ve been slowly pushed out of it. For so long, i thought that ‘pushed out’ feeling was my imagination. Despite everyone from my grandmother to literally a stranger on the street telling me it wasn’t my ‘imagination’. I have been so FURIOUS at him for some of the garbage he’s pulled over the past 7 years or so. But none of that will ever change that he’s my dad. I love him to death, i want him in my life, and I will always try to make it right. And try to make even a little bit of a relationship, even if it’s entirely my doing and effort, and not a single effort of his.
So, to sum up a long story, i called him tonight. And let’s note that, unless someone died or, during my younger years when I first moved out of his house, if I got an important piece of mail at his house...this guy has never called me. I literally mean never, never, never picked up the phone to just say hey, how are you...NOTHING. So calling him tonight was nothing new to me.
I had actually tried calling him (surprise) a few weeks ago, to tell him that I’d helped my best friend’s son play a very retro throwback video game, and it had reminded of my dad. My dad taught me how to play this game, years ago back in the day, it was my dad’s favorite game and he would literally stay up late at night with this game trying to beat all the levels. So many of my childhood memories with my dad happen to revolve around this one stupid video game, especially playing it decades later with the best friend’s son. When I initially called my dad weeks ago to say hey, thought of you, he’d been out of town, I guess, I don’t even know. So I brought up the video game when we talked tonight, and told him how I tried to show this little boy (best friend’s son) how to play it, how much it made me think of him (my dad) and hanging out when I was a kid, and that’s why I’d called like 4 times a month ago. .....I literally had to explain to my father what video game I was talking about, how to play it, he didn’t know WHAT i was talking about, and his response was literally “Ahh...I don’t know”...and then we hit dead silence and the subject was changed.
I feel like he’s effectively just blocked me out of everything and anything to do with my life before this wife of his. He just blatantly told me he doesn’t have a remote clue about what, at least I thought, was a big part of my childhood with him. ‘Ahh I don’t know’. That’s either totally false, or he actually doesn’t know/remember, but both hurt me on all new levels and make me want to drink wine.
Forget wine. This would’ve usally been enough for me to drink a pint of vodka, without issue. My father is an instant trigger for me, let alone when he minimized into nothing, something I considered to be such a huge memory of my childhood with him. That hurt so much, and my anxiety was through the roof as it was just to even have that phone conversation with him.
But I’m here and I’m sober and I’m sorry for turning this thread into a therapy session for my daddy issues, and thank you anyone who has gotten this far. I know I need therapy well beyond the drinking, and I’m currently looking into some options.
So, to sum up a long story, i called him tonight. And let’s note that, unless someone died or, during my younger years when I first moved out of his house, if I got an important piece of mail at his house...this guy has never called me. I literally mean never, never, never picked up the phone to just say hey, how are you...NOTHING. So calling him tonight was nothing new to me.
I had actually tried calling him (surprise) a few weeks ago, to tell him that I’d helped my best friend’s son play a very retro throwback video game, and it had reminded of my dad. My dad taught me how to play this game, years ago back in the day, it was my dad’s favorite game and he would literally stay up late at night with this game trying to beat all the levels. So many of my childhood memories with my dad happen to revolve around this one stupid video game, especially playing it decades later with the best friend’s son. When I initially called my dad weeks ago to say hey, thought of you, he’d been out of town, I guess, I don’t even know. So I brought up the video game when we talked tonight, and told him how I tried to show this little boy (best friend’s son) how to play it, how much it made me think of him (my dad) and hanging out when I was a kid, and that’s why I’d called like 4 times a month ago. .....I literally had to explain to my father what video game I was talking about, how to play it, he didn’t know WHAT i was talking about, and his response was literally “Ahh...I don’t know”...and then we hit dead silence and the subject was changed.
I feel like he’s effectively just blocked me out of everything and anything to do with my life before this wife of his. He just blatantly told me he doesn’t have a remote clue about what, at least I thought, was a big part of my childhood with him. ‘Ahh I don’t know’. That’s either totally false, or he actually doesn’t know/remember, but both hurt me on all new levels and make me want to drink wine.
Forget wine. This would’ve usally been enough for me to drink a pint of vodka, without issue. My father is an instant trigger for me, let alone when he minimized into nothing, something I considered to be such a huge memory of my childhood with him. That hurt so much, and my anxiety was through the roof as it was just to even have that phone conversation with him.
But I’m here and I’m sober and I’m sorry for turning this thread into a therapy session for my daddy issues, and thank you anyone who has gotten this far. I know I need therapy well beyond the drinking, and I’m currently looking into some options.
bona fido dog-lover
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A trigger is just a thought, a feeling. It does not have to become an action. Between stimulus and response is a space. The space is when you choose your response. You can learn a 'stay sober' response to situations.
For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Once I believed that with all my heart, I was then able to stay sober.
Nothing could convince me to drink. It was no longer an option.
For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Once I believed that with all my heart, I was then able to stay sober.
Nothing could convince me to drink. It was no longer an option.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
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They say it is a family disease Rayna. Relationships of all kinds get damaged through alcoholism, and by alcoholism I mean its various manifestations drunk or sober. I had a geat deal of guilt about how i behaved towards my parents, especilly my father. He was a stand up guy, but the showing of feelings and emotion were not things he did.
The Alcoholic has this abnormal reaction to alcohol on the one hand, and apparently and abnormal reaction to life.
There is a solution to all this. In the case of my father, and everybody else I had ussues with, the first step was to take a good look at why I felt like that, and own any contribution I had made to the situation. Once I can see my part, I am in a better position to clear away that piece of wreckage.
Actually, as I think of it , my mother sounds more like your father. She is a drinking alcoholic and an absolute nasty piece of work. My father has always been supportive, my mother has always tried to tip me up. I found a lot of this out from relatives who filled in some blanks for me.
I am not telling you how to feel about al this. One thing I did, at the suggestion of my sponsor, was to write a letter to my father, telling him that I loved him and expressing regret for all the grief I caused him. I got a nice letter back. We never discussed those letters, but when he died, it was so wonderful to know that he knew how I felt about him. Nothing was left unsaid. I miss him.
The Alcoholic has this abnormal reaction to alcohol on the one hand, and apparently and abnormal reaction to life.
There is a solution to all this. In the case of my father, and everybody else I had ussues with, the first step was to take a good look at why I felt like that, and own any contribution I had made to the situation. Once I can see my part, I am in a better position to clear away that piece of wreckage.
Actually, as I think of it , my mother sounds more like your father. She is a drinking alcoholic and an absolute nasty piece of work. My father has always been supportive, my mother has always tried to tip me up. I found a lot of this out from relatives who filled in some blanks for me.
I am not telling you how to feel about al this. One thing I did, at the suggestion of my sponsor, was to write a letter to my father, telling him that I loved him and expressing regret for all the grief I caused him. I got a nice letter back. We never discussed those letters, but when he died, it was so wonderful to know that he knew how I felt about him. Nothing was left unsaid. I miss him.
Re-Tread
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My Dad is also one of my biggest triggers. Just thinking about him gets my blood boiling. He is an abusive selfish person. Hasnt changed one bit since I was a kid. He has torn apart my whole family. And I am the only one nearby so I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him. He never ever calls me either. I do not know how I will deal with him going forward. Its a very annoying situation.
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Originally Posted by least 
A trigger is just a thought, a feeling. It does not have to become an action. Between stimulus and response is a space. The space is when you choose your response. You can learn a 'stay sober' response to situations.
For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Once I believed that with all my heart, I was then able to stay sober. Nothing could convince me to drink. It was no longer an option.
For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Once I believed that with all my heart, I was then able to stay sober.
Nothing could convince me to drink. It was no longer an option. RIP Sweet Suki
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Originally Posted by Keto
I don't think anyone, especially an alcoholic can catergorically state they wont drink if a series of unfortunate events happened to them....
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Originally Posted by Keto
I don't think anyone, especially an alcoholic can catergorically state they wont drink if a series of unfortunate events happened to them....
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Originally Posted by Gottalife
They say it is a family disease Rayna. Relationships of all kinds get damaged through alcoholism, and by alcoholism I mean its various manifestations drunk or sober. I had a geat deal of guilt about how i behaved towards my parents, especilly my father. He was a stand up guy, but the showing of feelings and emotion were not things he did.
The Alcoholic has this abnormal reaction to alcohol on the one hand, and apparently and abnormal reaction to life.
There is a solution to all this. In the case of my father, and everybody else I had ussues with, the first step was to take a good look at why I felt like that, and own any contribution I had made to the situation. Once I can see my part, I am in a better position to clear away that piece of wreckage.
Actually, as I think of it , my mother sounds more like your father. She is a drinking alcoholic and an absolute nasty piece of work. My father has always been supportive, my mother has always tried to tip me up. I found a lot of this out from relatives who filled in some blanks for me.
I am not telling you how to feel about al this. One thing I did, at the suggestion of my sponsor, was to write a letter to my father, telling him that I loved him and expressing regret for all the grief I caused him. I got a nice letter back. We never discussed those letters, but when he died, it was so wonderful to know that he knew how I felt about him. Nothing was left unsaid. I miss him.
The Alcoholic has this abnormal reaction to alcohol on the one hand, and apparently and abnormal reaction to life.
There is a solution to all this. In the case of my father, and everybody else I had ussues with, the first step was to take a good look at why I felt like that, and own any contribution I had made to the situation. Once I can see my part, I am in a better position to clear away that piece of wreckage.
Actually, as I think of it , my mother sounds more like your father. She is a drinking alcoholic and an absolute nasty piece of work. My father has always been supportive, my mother has always tried to tip me up. I found a lot of this out from relatives who filled in some blanks for me.
I am not telling you how to feel about al this. One thing I did, at the suggestion of my sponsor, was to write a letter to my father, telling him that I loved him and expressing regret for all the grief I caused him. I got a nice letter back. We never discussed those letters, but when he died, it was so wonderful to know that he knew how I felt about him. Nothing was left unsaid. I miss him.
Sorry again for the therapy, and thank you for your insights and suggestions. I’ve been told before to just open up to him all of my ongoing issues with how he treats me vs. his wife. One day!
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Originally Posted by Fallow
My Dad is also one of my biggest triggers. Just thinking about him gets my blood boiling. He is an abusive selfish person. Hasnt changed one bit since I was a kid. He has torn apart my whole family. And I am the only one nearby so I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him. He never ever calls me either. I do not know how I will deal with him going forward. Its a very annoying situation.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I took a few years 'off' from my estranged father. I was still living the party life,but everytime I reached out, it was pointless and fake. My dad was a 'weak willed'(IMO) man and I never faulted him for that..it was just him and the way he was. Eventually he started reaching out more and we had some good years.. Just keep doing you and stay sober for you. His life is his to live as he wants to and same goes for you,me and everyone. Again..there's nothing that I would ever drink AT..I need no excuse to drink and make my own way.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
What good/difference would drinking AT this situation do? **If** I get cancer tomorrow,would drinking do anything at all? That's,to me, the 'key thing' with moving past drinking AT people/places/things..drinking does nothing and if I want to drink...I will drink. I need no excuse/reason.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
I took a few years 'off' from my estranged father. I was still living the party life,but everytime I reached out, it was pointless and fake. My dad was a 'weak willed'(IMO) man and I never faulted him for that..it was just him and the way he was. Eventually he started reaching out more and we had some good years.. Just keep doing you and stay sober for you. His life is his to live as he wants to and same goes for you,me and everyone. Again..there's nothing that I would ever drink AT..I need no excuse to drink and make my own way.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I'm sorry for what you go through with your Dad. I have a similar problem with mine, but thankfully my mum is lovely (now shes not being driven to despair by living with him) and she's still around. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I have those non-connection moments with my dad.
The thing is, your dad has been like this for a long time. You tried drinking at the problem before (as did I) and it never solved anything then, and it still won't. Now we're sober we can be watchful, and spot those emotions well up, and practice breathing through them until the subside. And they do subside.
One of the things that I found relevant and helpful for me was the ACOA handbook. ACOA stand of Adult Child Of Alcohlic (or dysfunctional). I am an adult child in that when I have certain dealings, my emotional responses tend to be the same or similar to those of a child. They feel overwhelming. I can have huge surges of fear or rage which in themselves scare me. But I'm learning that now I'm sober, when these do come, I can weather the storm without being a puppet to those feelings. It's a long time since I've hurt anyone physically or with my words,but that's what tended to happen if found myself in an emotional ****-storm before. And I'm learning better about keeping low expectations (sometimes i misjudge it and they're not quite low enough though lol).
Take care,
BB
The thing is, your dad has been like this for a long time. You tried drinking at the problem before (as did I) and it never solved anything then, and it still won't. Now we're sober we can be watchful, and spot those emotions well up, and practice breathing through them until the subside. And they do subside.
One of the things that I found relevant and helpful for me was the ACOA handbook. ACOA stand of Adult Child Of Alcohlic (or dysfunctional). I am an adult child in that when I have certain dealings, my emotional responses tend to be the same or similar to those of a child. They feel overwhelming. I can have huge surges of fear or rage which in themselves scare me. But I'm learning that now I'm sober, when these do come, I can weather the storm without being a puppet to those feelings. It's a long time since I've hurt anyone physically or with my words,but that's what tended to happen if found myself in an emotional ****-storm before. And I'm learning better about keeping low expectations (sometimes i misjudge it and they're not quite low enough though lol).
Take care,
BB
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Originally Posted by rayna87
So. in a nutshell - my mom died when i was a little kid. My dad has a new family, with a new wife and new stepkids and new stepgrandkids. Which is fine....
This is just a bad situation. It was not something you or your dad ever wanted. I hope you can somehow get over it.
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I am so sorry that your dad had no idea what you were talking about, I could imagine the hurt you were feeling.
My mother is my biggest trigger in life. So, for me, I had to remove her from my life. My sobriety is number 1. Maybe at some point she could be welcome back, but unfortunately that would come with strings on my end (sounds terrible, huh) BUT she is an active alcoholic, which is not welcome around me or my son as I will not allow her to do to my son what she did to me growing up.
When I spoke to my therapist about my Mother, she suggested I turn all that anger into Pity. I mean, already pity her, but that is my main energy VS anger now.
I hope you are feeling better today,
DC
My mother is my biggest trigger in life. So, for me, I had to remove her from my life. My sobriety is number 1. Maybe at some point she could be welcome back, but unfortunately that would come with strings on my end (sounds terrible, huh) BUT she is an active alcoholic, which is not welcome around me or my son as I will not allow her to do to my son what she did to me growing up.
When I spoke to my therapist about my Mother, she suggested I turn all that anger into Pity. I mean, already pity her, but that is my main energy VS anger now.
I hope you are feeling better today,
DC
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Thanks for this post. There have been lots of complicated dynamics within my family over the years due to my sibling’s addiction from an early age. Thankfully, things are quieter now. But I’ve had to come to grips with the fallout...which amounts to a continued over-enmeshment between my parents and sibling, and a disconnect in my relationship with them.
It’s very quiet...just like you spoke of. That phone never rings. There is no effort on their part to develop or maintain a relationship. They have no active part in their grandson’s life (even to my mother having to ask if he’s in high school yet. He’s about to start the 11th grade). I’ve forced myself to contact them once per month to maintain some lines of communication, but the reality of their lack of interest really stung for a long time.
I just had to disengage. That relationship will never be what I would like. The dynamic that developed when we were all younger continues to play out. All I can do is focus on my own path and continue to mourn what will never be. It took me a long time to get here, but I would label it a “sad acceptance”. It is what it is.
As you said, certainly not worth drinking over.
-bora
It’s very quiet...just like you spoke of. That phone never rings. There is no effort on their part to develop or maintain a relationship. They have no active part in their grandson’s life (even to my mother having to ask if he’s in high school yet. He’s about to start the 11th grade). I’ve forced myself to contact them once per month to maintain some lines of communication, but the reality of their lack of interest really stung for a long time.
I just had to disengage. That relationship will never be what I would like. The dynamic that developed when we were all younger continues to play out. All I can do is focus on my own path and continue to mourn what will never be. It took me a long time to get here, but I would label it a “sad acceptance”. It is what it is.
As you said, certainly not worth drinking over.
-bora
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
I'm sorry for what you go through with your Dad. I have a similar problem with mine, but thankfully my mum is lovely (now shes not being driven to despair by living with him) and she's still around. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I have those non-connection moments with my dad.
The thing is, your dad has been like this for a long time. You tried drinking at the problem before (as did I) and it never solved anything then, and it still won't. Now we're sober we can be watchful, and spot those emotions well up, and practice breathing through them until the subside. And they do subside.
One of the things that I found relevant and helpful for me was the ACOA handbook. ACOA stand of Adult Child Of Alcohlic (or dysfunctional). I am an adult child in that when I have certain dealings, my emotional responses tend to be the same or similar to those of a child. They feel overwhelming. I can have huge surges of fear or rage which in themselves scare me. But I'm learning that now I'm sober, when these do come, I can weather the storm without being a puppet to those feelings. It's a long time since I've hurt anyone physically or with my words,but that's what tended to happen if found myself in an emotional ****-storm before. And I'm learning better about keeping low expectations (sometimes i misjudge it and they're not quite low enough though lol).
Take care,
BB
The thing is, your dad has been like this for a long time. You tried drinking at the problem before (as did I) and it never solved anything then, and it still won't. Now we're sober we can be watchful, and spot those emotions well up, and practice breathing through them until the subside. And they do subside.
One of the things that I found relevant and helpful for me was the ACOA handbook. ACOA stand of Adult Child Of Alcohlic (or dysfunctional). I am an adult child in that when I have certain dealings, my emotional responses tend to be the same or similar to those of a child. They feel overwhelming. I can have huge surges of fear or rage which in themselves scare me. But I'm learning that now I'm sober, when these do come, I can weather the storm without being a puppet to those feelings. It's a long time since I've hurt anyone physically or with my words,but that's what tended to happen if found myself in an emotional ****-storm before. And I'm learning better about keeping low expectations (sometimes i misjudge it and they're not quite low enough though lol).
Take care,
BB
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Originally Posted by AAPJ
Rayna. You and your father got a real dose of S**T when your mother died so young. I saw this happen in my family when my cousin died of cancer with two small daughters left behind to their dad. He re-married and over time the new wife did everything she could to minimize the importance of the old marriage children. It is not your fault and at least in the situation with my family I really don't blame the husband/father either. My uncle is not so forgiving to his son in law but he had to bury his only daughter so I understand his pain. As my uncle said at my cousin's funeral. "Life isn't fair".
This is just a bad situation. It was not something you or your dad ever wanted. I hope you can somehow get over it.
This is just a bad situation. It was not something you or your dad ever wanted. I hope you can somehow get over it.
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I am so sorry that your dad had no idea what you were talking about, I could imagine the hurt you were feeling.
My mother is my biggest trigger in life. So, for me, I had to remove her from my life. My sobriety is number 1. Maybe at some point she could be welcome back, but unfortunately that would come with strings on my end (sounds terrible, huh) BUT she is an active alcoholic, which is not welcome around me or my son as I will not allow her to do to my son what she did to me growing up.
When I spoke to my therapist about my Mother, she suggested I turn all that anger into Pity. I mean, already pity her, but that is my main energy VS anger now.
I hope you are feeling better today,
DC
My mother is my biggest trigger in life. So, for me, I had to remove her from my life. My sobriety is number 1. Maybe at some point she could be welcome back, but unfortunately that would come with strings on my end (sounds terrible, huh) BUT she is an active alcoholic, which is not welcome around me or my son as I will not allow her to do to my son what she did to me growing up.
When I spoke to my therapist about my Mother, she suggested I turn all that anger into Pity. I mean, already pity her, but that is my main energy VS anger now.
I hope you are feeling better today,
DC
Luckily, I don't have to actively do anything to remove him from my life, he's done that enough himself, and if I stop making the effort to call him, that would be it. The therapist I was seeing for grief counseling after my grandma died (my daddy issues came out a bit in that at times) said something similar about pity, and pitying his wife too because she was obviously so insecure in herself that she felt the need to drive me away. It's a much better emotion than anger. Thank you again.
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