2018LizAnon

After 3 months of no contact, my feelings have shifted from anger, anxiety, guilt, and exhaustion to acceptance, but also sadness. It’s not an all-encompassing depression, like it was a few months ago. But it’s there, occupying a corner of my brain. It doesn’t prevent me from enjoying things, but it often creeps up if a situation triggers a memory. My therapist suggests that I think of my thoughts as a river and let them flow by, but sometimes they get stuck. I’ve stopped trying to force myself to feel happy if I’m not. I’ve stopped trying to remind myself that I’m better off without him and that staying with him would almost certainly mean years of misery and pain. I’ve stopped ruminating about the unacceptable behavior; though that tactic served a purpose for a while.

I know all these things, but it does not change the fact that I loved this man. It doesn’t erase the time I cared about him and for him. I saw his moments of kindness, love, and vulnerability. I saw what he could be, and what our lives could be together. These thoughts sting and all the emotions are still there even if the intensity has tapered. It’s been a long process to recognize that alcoholism is in no uncertain terms a disease. Not only for the alcoholic; it is relationship cancer. Still, accepting that the disease won and letting go of the person I love is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m not second guessing my decision. I do catch myself wanting to call him or wanting him to call me, but I know I won’t act on it. It’s unbelievable how recalling a warm or loving memory can completely suspend reality for a moment and temporarily erase the betrayals and heartbreaks. The dichotomy of behavior and distortion of reality created by alcoholism is cruel. I feel like I’ll love again and I’m moving on with my life, but it’s still a struggle at times. I appreciate all the posts in this forum so much. It’s been invaluable knowing that I’m not alone. Thank you!

clarity888

Ah yes, I can so relate to the all-encompassing depression and moving on to more of a sadness that creeps in and out of life, daily or every few days. You say the disease won in your situation. I am sorry to hear that. I don't know if it is winning or not in my case. Like you, it's been 3 months but for me that means 3 months since I learned or accepted the truth about AH's drinking. And that his liver has been affected; it is his choice on whether he will stop completely and allow his liver to heal. I am just now realizing what a "relationship cancer" A is (that's a great way to describe it, and it's an insidious one at that). Hugs.

maia1234

Liz,
You are doing great. That is the great thing about this program, is that you don't have to "hate" your husband. You can love him till the day you die. For right now you just can't be apart of his life and live with him. Give him to God to watch over him and pray for him. Who knows what will happen in your future.

Take the time to grieve the marriage, its ok, you are a survivor!!

dawnrising

I saw his moments of kindness, love, and vulnerability. I saw what he could be, and what our lives could be together. These thoughts sting and all the emotions are still there even if the intensity has tapered. It’s been a long process to recognize that alcoholism is in no uncertain terms a disease. Not only for the alcoholic; it is relationship cancer. Still, accepting that the disease won and letting go of the person I love is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

The dichotomy of behavior and distortion of reality created by alcoholism is cruel.

You have a way with words. Thank you for sharing this. Honoring my sadness, fear, anger and disbelief was probably the healthiest thing I have done with myself. Just know the intensity and the length of all these emotions will start to taper down if you allow yourself to feel them. Much love coming your way.

Leelee168

Liz, you are my spiritual doppelgänger. It was four months, today in fact, since my AAF was removed from the house-so I’m one month ahead of you in recovery from the situation. Yesterday, I was driving after work and it was cloudy and I could see rain coming, “Closer” by the Chainsmokers came on the radio and, just like that, I was back in the Finger Lakes last fall with him. I could feel it in my soul; at that point, I knew the relationship was in trouble because of his alcoholism and the abuse had started to notch up, but I was trying so hard to get things back on track. The sadness, the desperation, the exhaustion—I was just about overcome. There are parts of that song that make me want to shrink into myself and just cry and remembering that day—hearing that song in the car with him, on an overcast day and all the emotions I had at the time, it was hard to “let that flow away...”.

Some days I am so strong and other days, like you, it just creeps in and my heart gets heavy and achy. This was a person that I loved. This was a person I helped through injuries and illnesses. This was a person that I believed loved me—who could be tender and vulnerable with me (although not often). Someone with whom I shared good times and made great memories—although, in the last 12-18 months, there were fewer and fewer of those moments. I try to see the humanity in him and know that he is struggling in a different way—and at the same time I have to reconcile what was done to me with his struggles and know that what he did was wrong and there is no excuse, even alcoholism, for what he did.

At the end, I was no longer safe and had to make the difficult choice to dial the police. No one should ever be faced with the choice of their own safety or calling the police on someone they love. I have only recently realized that, in that moment, I chose me. For once, I chose me.

People say to make new memories and it’s hard. I’m working on it, but it’s hard. I’m taking a trip out of town with a few friends in September and I have family and friends scheduled to come visit me and go to a few NFL games with me, using my tickets. It’s going to be different, but different is okay. We don’t know what is out there ahead of us, and maybe that’s why we focus on those memories so much?

I saw sunshine first thing this morning, so maybe today will be better for both of us.

atalose

I think you are correct, bad relationships are like cancer, you can get over them and survive but the experience will stay with you forever. Trauma doesn’t just occur in car accidents or war, some people truly become traumatized from the toxic relationships they’ve had. Our brain has a funny way of rewriting the past in order to protect us. It wants to block out whatever hurt us so it will black out bad memories, suppress them. And we start to only remember the good ones, it manipulates our memories and makes us see the past better than how things actually played out.

I personally think it’s a mistake to stop ruminating about the unacceptable behaviors, people will come and go in our lives but how they left always stays.

3 months out from this relationship and I think you are doing great.

2018LizAnon

Hi Clarity,

Thanks for your message. Acceptance has been the hardest part for me, but it has also allowed me to move past anger, frustration, depression and guilt. It has definitely enabled me to feel more compassionate towards my XABF while at the same time knowing that I cannot stay in the relationship while he continues to drink. I hope that your acceptance of your AH's disease brings you some peace and strength to take care of your own health and happiness first. I also hope that your AH is able to accept his disease so that he can seek the help he needs and you both can heal in your relationship. Wishing you the best

2018LizAnon

Hi maia,

I appreciate your message. Thankfully, we were not married (BF of 3 years). We did live together and planned to get married, have a family, etc. Letting go of those dreams with him was devastating. I'm 30 and initially had a lot of anxiety about never finding another man I would love like my XABF, etc. (sort of ridiculous when I think about it now). But I am now thankful that I'm not married to this man or have children with him, because that would make the situation much more complicated and painful (especially with kids). Being able to see and accept this reality is calming. Still, it's hard to let go of a relationship that you were once so hopeful about.

2018LizAnon

Hi dawnrising,

Thanks for your reply. I totally agree that honoring and allowing yourself to feel all your emotions is critical to healing. I spent the first month of no contact and really the last year and a half of the relationship sort of avoiding dealing with the sadness of acceptance either by feeling resentful and angry and trying to prove to myself that I was better off without my ex, or feeling that I was a terrible person and that I drove my "soulmate" further away with my unreasonable expectations. But allowing myself to admit that yes I did love this man and I had dreams with this man, and that this is a huge loss has been oddly comforting. It sucks and it's not really fair, but it's life. And on a positive note, I think this introspection has already helped me deal more effectively with other life stresses and have a healthier perspective on life overall.

2018LizAnon

Hi Leelee,

Haha, I think you are my spiritual doppelgänger! I was driving back from a weekend trip to visit my family on Sunday and it was raining and I was thinking about how nice it was when my ex and I would make that trip together, and Chainsmokers "Don't let me down" came on the radio and I basically lost it. I just let myself have that moment sobbing in the car and by the time I got home I actually felt a lot better.

I'm so sorry you were dealing with abuse and fearing for your safety with the person you love. I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been. I am so glad you were able to put yourself first and get out of that situation. That takes so much strength and courage, and you should be proud of yourself every single day! Yes, if we take the gloomy days in stride now, I think there will be mostly sunny ones in the future!

2018LizAnon

Hi Alatose,

Thank you for the message. It is amazing how our brains work to "protect" us! 3 months out and I remember all the events: fights, lies, betrayals, but the actual feelings: frustration, anger, and pain are harder to recall. It's so easy to think, "Well, it wasn't really that bad". On the other hand, all the feelings of love and warmth and joy are easily recalled. It's so easy to see why these roller coaster relationships continue. Yet, now that I'm out of it, I'm starting to see these good feelings as something that was positive that I can look for in a future relationship, while recognizing that it doesn't justify staying in a alcoholic relationship. It's also been helpful to see my ex in a more compassionate light, as a man who has a lot of good qualities that are unfortunately masked by a disease. Seems like a first step toward real forgiveness, without which I've realized I can't and won't move forward.