Anxiety after leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Anxiety after leaving
My RAH moved out March and I've basically been a single parent since then. ( I have been keeping a log of when RAH sees our toddler old and it averages around 9 hours a week. ) We are cordial to each other, but he has been kind of living his own life right now--he's living in a camping trailer on his parents property and he will take the trailer places on the weekends to 'escape.' He seems to "turn into a pumpkin" after a certain amount of social interaction with anyone. Like he just reaches a point and bails.
We actually went on vacation together (with his mother) the other weekend and it went fine. I enjoyed myself because I had two other adults to help with the toddler so I actually got a chance to relax. Nothing real dramatic happened, he seemed to be his "old self" until the very end I could tell he was becoming emotionally drained from being a parent for that long.
We listed our house to sell in June. I have no idea where I am moving when it sells (it might take up to a year so there isn't a whole lot of pre-planning I can do... ). I will probably rent somewhere until I feel more confident in where my future with my husband is going to go...
Anyway, I feel like I am standing at a cross road and I have no idea which road to take or even which roads are available to take--you know? I'm just kind of waiting to be pushed in a direction. And my anxiety has been awful.
I feel like my husband, even dysfunctionally, was a rock that I emotionally relied on. I feel like a piece of me has been pulled away and I feel very ALONE. Not necessarily lonely, just... alone. I have friends to talk to but they can't help me parent my child, you know? It's scary relying on just myself. Am I enough for my son? Am I emotionally hurting him somehow that I don't realize with my anxiety?
I see two therapists right now (one I share with my RAH, other is just mine) and both suggested that I try some SSRI medication to see if it helps me. I did take some when I was in highschool and suffering with panic attacks and it did help take the edge off. They both say that it's completely normal to have anxiety right now but it does make me feel like something is wrong with me. (I do have an appt tomorrow to see a doctor about medication)
How do I become more confident that I am enough? That I can do this by myself?
We actually went on vacation together (with his mother) the other weekend and it went fine. I enjoyed myself because I had two other adults to help with the toddler so I actually got a chance to relax. Nothing real dramatic happened, he seemed to be his "old self" until the very end I could tell he was becoming emotionally drained from being a parent for that long.
We listed our house to sell in June. I have no idea where I am moving when it sells (it might take up to a year so there isn't a whole lot of pre-planning I can do... ). I will probably rent somewhere until I feel more confident in where my future with my husband is going to go...
Anyway, I feel like I am standing at a cross road and I have no idea which road to take or even which roads are available to take--you know? I'm just kind of waiting to be pushed in a direction. And my anxiety has been awful.
I feel like my husband, even dysfunctionally, was a rock that I emotionally relied on. I feel like a piece of me has been pulled away and I feel very ALONE. Not necessarily lonely, just... alone. I have friends to talk to but they can't help me parent my child, you know? It's scary relying on just myself. Am I enough for my son? Am I emotionally hurting him somehow that I don't realize with my anxiety?
I see two therapists right now (one I share with my RAH, other is just mine) and both suggested that I try some SSRI medication to see if it helps me. I did take some when I was in highschool and suffering with panic attacks and it did help take the edge off. They both say that it's completely normal to have anxiety right now but it does make me feel like something is wrong with me. (I do have an appt tomorrow to see a doctor about medication)
How do I become more confident that I am enough? That I can do this by myself?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
to me, what you describe, how you feel, your doubts and concerns all sound perfectly NORMAL for anyone going thru a major life transition!!
parenting single or in a partnership is tricky. especially with small children as they grow and change so rapidly. just about the time you have figured out the current phase, they've moved on to a new phase!
learning to navigate life as a single person is challenging. from simple things like remembering to take the trash to the curb on the right day, to major financial decisions.
you ARE enough. give therapy and the new meds time. know that not everything needs to be nailed down and figured out TODAY.
parenting single or in a partnership is tricky. especially with small children as they grow and change so rapidly. just about the time you have figured out the current phase, they've moved on to a new phase!
learning to navigate life as a single person is challenging. from simple things like remembering to take the trash to the curb on the right day, to major financial decisions.
you ARE enough. give therapy and the new meds time. know that not everything needs to be nailed down and figured out TODAY.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Autumn, I just want to say that I understand completely. Like you, I found it frightening to be making decisions all on my own--what if I was overlooking something important? What if I made a bad choice?
I finally realized that an awful lot of decisions really AREN'T all that important. I dithered over buying a used electric lawn mower off of craigslist. My brother said "so if you buy it and you don't like it, then put it back on craigslist and sell it yourself!" Wow, what a concept that was for me--if you try something and it's not right, then move on and try something else!
And some things ARE important, like parenting your child. But again, I don't think anyone has a crystal ball or complete and total knowledge about these things. As Gandalf said, "Even the wise cannot see all ends." I think all you can do is to make the best and most informed decisions that you are capable of at the time. You don't have to be perfect, only good enough. And chances are that you can indeed manage that...
I wonder if you've ever read Brene Brown--you might like to read her book "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion and Connection." I am not a parent myself, but I've found a LOT worth learning in Brene's other works. This or any of her books might really shed some light for you.
Here's a link to her "Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto", found in her book "Daring Greatly": https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/up...gManifesto.pdf
The last line of the manifesto is this: I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly deeply seeing you.
Chances are your local library has at least a few of her books, and you can find a lot of videos and TED Talks online.
** Thanks AGAIN to FireSprite, who turned me on to Brene.
I finally realized that an awful lot of decisions really AREN'T all that important. I dithered over buying a used electric lawn mower off of craigslist. My brother said "so if you buy it and you don't like it, then put it back on craigslist and sell it yourself!" Wow, what a concept that was for me--if you try something and it's not right, then move on and try something else!
And some things ARE important, like parenting your child. But again, I don't think anyone has a crystal ball or complete and total knowledge about these things. As Gandalf said, "Even the wise cannot see all ends." I think all you can do is to make the best and most informed decisions that you are capable of at the time. You don't have to be perfect, only good enough. And chances are that you can indeed manage that...
I wonder if you've ever read Brene Brown--you might like to read her book "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion and Connection." I am not a parent myself, but I've found a LOT worth learning in Brene's other works. This or any of her books might really shed some light for you.
Here's a link to her "Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto", found in her book "Daring Greatly": https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/up...gManifesto.pdf
The last line of the manifesto is this: I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly deeply seeing you.
Chances are your local library has at least a few of her books, and you can find a lot of videos and TED Talks online.
** Thanks AGAIN to FireSprite, who turned me on to Brene.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Aw, you're so welcome!
That manifesto makes me cry every. single. time. It highlights everything my inner child needed & didn't receive & has become my guidepost for parenting. The audiobook is fantastic too - she shares a lot of great examples of how to put her research into daily practice.
My anxiety skyrocketed recently just when I expected it to settle down. I was flabbergasted at how well I managed crisis & how quickly I fell apart in it's absence.
I came to figure out that ~for me~ it was that things settling down felt "abnormal" & that kicked my fight-or-flight anxiety into high gear. Just when things should be "fine" (the WORST 4-letter word in our language, IMO) I was feeling anything BUT fine. I felt like I was spiraling more than I ever had before & I was furious because I was also feeling just about as strong as ever in my recovery.
The rush of cortisol & adrenalin took weeks to level & flush out. I had massive brain fog & panic attacks like never before. I'm only JUST starting to feel sort of ok at about 8ish weeks later. (might be more?)
I chose to not go on meds just because I don't want anything like that short-term & I don't have any trust with the new doc I'm seeing (not that I'm completely opposed, I just don't feel like I'm in a critical situation any longer). I've used OTC stuff to fill that void & I feel like I have more control that way I guess.
I ordered these in every flavor but like the lemon best:
https://www.amazon.com/Bach-Rescue-P...A0R68MWF19J23N
Baby steps. Focus on You & your kiddo. I'm a Big Picture type of girl, but sometimes that is too broad & too far into the future to be helpful when life is In-Between like it is for you right now. It can be overwhelming to imagine getting "there" from "here"... so break it down into smaller, more manageable pieces just like you would any other project.
Focus on the next 5 minutes, then the next hour, then the rest of the day. Slowly but surely you can't help but arrive somewhere new as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other & keep walking forward.
That manifesto makes me cry every. single. time. It highlights everything my inner child needed & didn't receive & has become my guidepost for parenting. The audiobook is fantastic too - she shares a lot of great examples of how to put her research into daily practice.
My anxiety skyrocketed recently just when I expected it to settle down. I was flabbergasted at how well I managed crisis & how quickly I fell apart in it's absence.
I came to figure out that ~for me~ it was that things settling down felt "abnormal" & that kicked my fight-or-flight anxiety into high gear. Just when things should be "fine" (the WORST 4-letter word in our language, IMO) I was feeling anything BUT fine. I felt like I was spiraling more than I ever had before & I was furious because I was also feeling just about as strong as ever in my recovery.
The rush of cortisol & adrenalin took weeks to level & flush out. I had massive brain fog & panic attacks like never before. I'm only JUST starting to feel sort of ok at about 8ish weeks later. (might be more?)
I chose to not go on meds just because I don't want anything like that short-term & I don't have any trust with the new doc I'm seeing (not that I'm completely opposed, I just don't feel like I'm in a critical situation any longer). I've used OTC stuff to fill that void & I feel like I have more control that way I guess.
I ordered these in every flavor but like the lemon best:
https://www.amazon.com/Bach-Rescue-P...A0R68MWF19J23N
How do I become more confident that I am enough? That I can do this by myself?
Focus on the next 5 minutes, then the next hour, then the rest of the day. Slowly but surely you can't help but arrive somewhere new as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other & keep walking forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
AutumnMama…..I can relate to the fear of being overwhelmed by the single parent role. I think that everyone is fearful, to some extent, at first....and with a toddler. A toddler takes so much constant attention!
I did the single parent thing for several years....with three small ones, in the beginning....but....I can assure you that it gets easier as you go along....and, as your child approaches the school age....
I think a lot of it is self confidence...as, chances are, you are doing all of the practical child care, anyway...
In fact, you have said as much, in some of your other threads....
These days, there are a lot of websites for mothers/single mothers...which are very supportive and share ideas....
There are, also groups of mommies that get together with the kids...for play dates, etc. These groups can give you some friendships and companionship with other women, as well...
I found that other single mothers were my greatest support system....we helped each other out...and laughed together...and, cried together....
I think that the fear of single motherhood is worse...much worse...than the reality of it....
***there are, also, tons of books on single parenting.....
You can find them on amazon.com. Just type in "single parenthood" in the amazon website......
I did the single parent thing for several years....with three small ones, in the beginning....but....I can assure you that it gets easier as you go along....and, as your child approaches the school age....
I think a lot of it is self confidence...as, chances are, you are doing all of the practical child care, anyway...
In fact, you have said as much, in some of your other threads....
These days, there are a lot of websites for mothers/single mothers...which are very supportive and share ideas....
There are, also groups of mommies that get together with the kids...for play dates, etc. These groups can give you some friendships and companionship with other women, as well...
I found that other single mothers were my greatest support system....we helped each other out...and laughed together...and, cried together....
I think that the fear of single motherhood is worse...much worse...than the reality of it....
***there are, also, tons of books on single parenting.....
You can find them on amazon.com. Just type in "single parenthood" in the amazon website......
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My best advise is not to future trip. Deal with the here and the now.
How will you know you are enough? You won't. However, take a good look at yourself. All you accomplish. The love you give. You will be enough because you are a mother who cares and will do her best. That is enough.
I remember those feelings. Now, four years into this single parent gig, there are days I don't think I am enough. Then I look at the big picture. I am raising two incredible kids. They know I love them. There is a roof over their heads. Food on the table. It's enough.
As a single mom this has brought me closer to my kids. I listen to them. We figure things out, together. This alone is enough.
You can do this. Huge hugs.
How will you know you are enough? You won't. However, take a good look at yourself. All you accomplish. The love you give. You will be enough because you are a mother who cares and will do her best. That is enough.
I remember those feelings. Now, four years into this single parent gig, there are days I don't think I am enough. Then I look at the big picture. I am raising two incredible kids. They know I love them. There is a roof over their heads. Food on the table. It's enough.
As a single mom this has brought me closer to my kids. I listen to them. We figure things out, together. This alone is enough.
You can do this. Huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A,
I agree with the other posters, your anxiety is on over load. You don't need to make any decisions on where to move too because you haven't sold your house. When that happens you will have 2 months to find a place and move. Slowly start going through your stuff and donate or get rid of it so you won't be so overwhelmed when you have to move. Do it on your time, not because you are in crisis mode.
I think that you feel you need to answer all the answers, today. You really don't. Are the bills getting paid, food on the table and a roof over your head? That is more then a lot of people have out there. You need to take some deep breaths and stop thinking about tomorrow, next week or next years worries. You need to be concerned only about getting through today, and hopefully with a smile on your face. Tomorrow is going to come if you like it or not and you can face tomorrows challenges tomorrow.
Life throws a lot of curve balls and it is impossible to have a ton of balls going at you at once, as you can't catch them all. But if you slow down your brain, and ask the question if that needs to be solved today, if not, put it off till tomorrow. Only emergencies today. Once we step back, slow our mind, everything will fall into place the way its supposed too.
Hugs!
I agree with the other posters, your anxiety is on over load. You don't need to make any decisions on where to move too because you haven't sold your house. When that happens you will have 2 months to find a place and move. Slowly start going through your stuff and donate or get rid of it so you won't be so overwhelmed when you have to move. Do it on your time, not because you are in crisis mode.
I think that you feel you need to answer all the answers, today. You really don't. Are the bills getting paid, food on the table and a roof over your head? That is more then a lot of people have out there. You need to take some deep breaths and stop thinking about tomorrow, next week or next years worries. You need to be concerned only about getting through today, and hopefully with a smile on your face. Tomorrow is going to come if you like it or not and you can face tomorrows challenges tomorrow.
Life throws a lot of curve balls and it is impossible to have a ton of balls going at you at once, as you can't catch them all. But if you slow down your brain, and ask the question if that needs to be solved today, if not, put it off till tomorrow. Only emergencies today. Once we step back, slow our mind, everything will fall into place the way its supposed too.
Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Just wanted to post an update...
I went to a medical doctor (rec'd by my therapist) to talk about going on an SSRI. The doctor was pretty awesome to talk to, and was also a working mother of a toddler and admitted to having a pretty rocky marriage lately. So she got it. She wanted to run some other tests as well, due to some family history.
So long story short, I have hashimotos thyroiditis with some wonky hormone levels... she said that can contribute greatly to feeling anxious and some other symptoms I'm having (hair falling out, brittle nails, weight gain, etc). She also said stress can exacerbate the symptoms because it messes with the immune system. I'm also low in B12 and anemic, but we are going to run some more tests to figure that out.
She did give me a prescription to an SSRI--but to be honest, I am really worried about the "black box" warning and living alone with a toddler. I know it's super small chance I would become suicidal or homicidal, but my anxiety makes me worry about it.
I mentioned that to the doctor and she told me not to take it. She said I might feel a lot better after treating the thyroid condition and the B12/anemia issues.
I guess as a scientist, it seems silly to me to medicate everything at once, because then you wouldn't know what actually made you feel better.
On a small positive note, my son got moved up to the next class level at his school/daycare really early. They think he's ready to be with older children and learn some new stuff! He's such a sweet boy. He's very gentle and a bit timid (like his mother, haha) and I know my husband wants to "toughen him up" which makes me sad sometimes. But, he is going to parent his own way.... (when he actually sees him)
I went to a medical doctor (rec'd by my therapist) to talk about going on an SSRI. The doctor was pretty awesome to talk to, and was also a working mother of a toddler and admitted to having a pretty rocky marriage lately. So she got it. She wanted to run some other tests as well, due to some family history.
So long story short, I have hashimotos thyroiditis with some wonky hormone levels... she said that can contribute greatly to feeling anxious and some other symptoms I'm having (hair falling out, brittle nails, weight gain, etc). She also said stress can exacerbate the symptoms because it messes with the immune system. I'm also low in B12 and anemic, but we are going to run some more tests to figure that out.
She did give me a prescription to an SSRI--but to be honest, I am really worried about the "black box" warning and living alone with a toddler. I know it's super small chance I would become suicidal or homicidal, but my anxiety makes me worry about it.
I mentioned that to the doctor and she told me not to take it. She said I might feel a lot better after treating the thyroid condition and the B12/anemia issues.
I guess as a scientist, it seems silly to me to medicate everything at once, because then you wouldn't know what actually made you feel better.
On a small positive note, my son got moved up to the next class level at his school/daycare really early. They think he's ready to be with older children and learn some new stuff! He's such a sweet boy. He's very gentle and a bit timid (like his mother, haha) and I know my husband wants to "toughen him up" which makes me sad sometimes. But, he is going to parent his own way.... (when he actually sees him)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Autumn, I have thyroid issues myself and I will echo the doc's comment that you may feel very, VERY different after getting your thyroid levels and other hormones back on track. Mind, heart and body really do work together to an astounding extent. I'd encourage you to educate yourself about the thyroid condition and all the things you can do for yourself (nutrition, etc.) that will help in addition to the levothyroxine or Synthroid that the doc has likely put you on.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thyroid issues here too - I completely agree with getting that part of your health managed before adding to many new meds/factors into the mix. It really affects me on a lot of levels when my thyroid isn't being properly supplemented.
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