taplow

When you come on the site after a long time out since a disgrace you get a message like, "our records show that you haven't posted for a while. We want to hear what you've got to say."
It's almost like religious. You think, oh I can be absolved since my last thread where there was all trouble and it was so similar to other threads which caused trouble and they were all started by me. Where ever I go, in life, online, it don't matter, there's always trouble. I see everyone else as the problem. I don't consciously believe that but these rows seem to happen rather a lot when I'm about.
I reckon that drinking is a core part of what I am. Do you feel the same? It's made me so self centered even though through drink I think I'm abandoning myself. It's a massive delusion.
I've had enough of it, but then the next day comes and it goes on again.
To really seriously stop drinking I think I'd have to destroy myself and then reconstruct myself. It's a lot to think about when I'm so old.
Anyway, I just wanted to praise this wonderful site for how it helps people going through all this ****.
Good luck to all; it's a bloody nightmare. To take my mind of it, tomorrow I'm going to visit a prostitute.

Dee74

I thought being drunk was a core part of who I was too. I also liked riling up people on message boards

Turns out neither of those things had any connection to the real essential me - they were just manifestations of my ineffable misery as someone in addiction.

It took a lot of courage to face life without any buffer but places like SR make sure noone has to do this alone.

I'm here today, alive and well, because I wanted change and I followed through with a little action..

I knew I could do better with what I had.

I wish you'd find the wherewithal to post here sober again Tap.
I think you're worth saving - give yourself the chance, man.

D

taplow

Thanks a lot Dee74. Always respect you for what you do on here.
I was thinking about how maybe the problem I have is that the actual fight I have against alcohol is what causes me to use it like I do. I've probably created some internal struggle, a see-saw mentality.
I don't see too much of a way around it. It would be easier to varnish a penguin than stop drinking. The clenched knuckles approach has made it so much worse really. For me the resolve to give up has led to ever increased drinking. The more I want to stop, the more desirable it becomes.
Once you've got this fight thing in your head where the alcohol becomes this huge battle I think that the mental struggle becomes the problem rather than the chemicals themselves. You can't go back and unmake those thoughts. It's a tangled web alright.
For me I see that the group hug stuff doesn't really work if you're a solitary, anti-social lunatic. I can wander about lost and alone and people will point at me and say, "you see that man, he used to be a nobody, but look at him now".
If I give up drinking, unless I address the underlying cause I'm not really dealing with the real issues.
Even so, I hope that all our positive horoscopes will be true and our lottery numbers will win. But I have an idea that the edge of a cliff is worse than the fall. It's just so difficult to let go.

allishope73

Tap thank you your honesty. I read post . I might think when we drink it is our false self as our real self is pure striving for integrity. Its the ego fed with alcohol that needs to be under control . By control i mean being aware of ego and use it as an ally not enemy . To achieve it one needs to be sober. Alcohol will allow ego greed anger to fly high . When sober at least we can more work out on ego . I might belive our real self that we were born are good and its still there just covered by lawyers . I think you know in your heart what is right to do. Big hugs x D

taplow

Thank you allishope73. It sounds very wise, especially the idea of ego being an ally not an enemy. My mind will tell you it's the right way to go. Watching yourself, being aware of yourself. But how is that possible without yourself in the picture watching?
Because I don't understand it I always find that conundrum with that kind of Buddhist meditation.
I wish I could get rid of the ego but I don't quite understand the structure. I think with me it would be the ego tricking itself.
It's quite late now.

Dee74

Thanks for the kind words - Good to see you again

As long as I viewed my relationship with alcohol as a struggle, I struggled.

As long as I saw it as a fight, I left open the possibility I might lose. Fighters get weak, they get punchy, they leave themselves open to a KO.

Its like trying to untie a knot but pulling it tighter instead.

I stopped fighting and stopped drinking - I walked away from the fight.

As hard as not drinking at all was, and as hard as it was to deal with all the issues that bobbed to the surface when I got sober, it was easier than fighting myself.

D

ScottFromWI

Yet not impossible, right?

No one said quitting will be easy, it was by far one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. But it was a lot easier once I simply accepted it and quit fighting something that you can never beat. I think that's a very important distinction to remember - quitting is possible, but continuing to drink without the bad consequences is not.

Helianthus

Hi Taplow

I had my first drink when I was probably 13/14 years old at family parties, my well to do Uncle was a raging alcoholic and as a kid I thought his parties were awesome. I remember pouring one of the guests a malibu and coke waaaaay to strong (I was a kid what did I know) and they said 50/50? shrugged and laughed and knocked it back. An example of responsible drinking to a minor at it's finest lol.

I have been drinking in some form or another for so long that when I finally decided to quit I had no idea who I was without alcohol. I was also surprised and scared to discover how much my emotional development had been stunted because I never faced up to issues. Kinda explains why I used to act like a toddler when I was annoyed with someone.

I thought I was the most brilliant, insightful person in the world and everyone else was the problem and they just, didn't, get it. That is, until I got sober and came to the awful, painful, realization that I was the problem. A massive, self-centered, argumentative ahole of a problem. If I managed a month without causing one of those terrible, potentially marriage ending arguements that happened frequently I'd pat myself on the back and say see, you're not so bad.

I can't believe what an idiot I was and it's been really hard learning to live life like a regular person.

I don't think you need to tear yourself apart in order to be sober, it definitely hurts to begin with but you can't beat yourself up for ever. At some point you have to forgive yourself and move on, when I did that things got a lot better.

It is scary, but just try it and see what happens. It's hard but it's worth it.

That was a bit of a ramble but I hope there's something in there that might help. I've also never admitted some of that stuff to anyone but myself so please be kind.

Thanks for your post

taplow

Thanks all. I like the idea of walking away from the fight but to me the walking away is the fight. Stopping fighting to me means to just submit to alcohol all the time. I understand the knot tightening but I think that maybe early on I probably set up some opposition about things with a can/can't mentality which set the whole thing in motion. I want to give up but I think I need to give up giving up.
Life is short and precious. I've wasted enough of it to realise that. Hearing that someone had no real idea of who they were without alcohol is sort of liberating really. I don't want to go all spiritual but I would also wonder who I am if I approached my sober self as if it was a stranger.
The varnishing a penguin analogy I made is rather a strange thing to be reaquainted with in the cold, sober light of day. But to follow it on, yes it's possible, but it actually would be pretty difficult. You'd have to go to some hardware DIY store. and purchase some varnish. You'd have to estimate the amount required to coat the whole penguin. Then you'd have to visit the nearest zoo - probably a long drive or train journey. Certainly the zoo authorities wouldn't allow this so you'd have to scale the perimeter fencing without being oberved. You'd have to immobilise the penguin of course - maybe you could drug it or take along an accomplice to hold it during the varnishing.
And what's it all for? I ask you.

dwtbd

Heh, I like the varnishing analogy. And your explanation really highlights the futility all that ridiculous effort would engender if one entailed to take on the task.

You do realize , though, that your AV has you over a barrel , hoodwinked really.

Your AV is the thinking that the 'quitting' is the 'varnishing'. When the continued drinking accurately is.

saoutchik

About this Penguin vanishing business....

I wish you all the best Taplow, I don't think I was anything much when I was drinking or the (brief) times in between bouts of drinking. I was just a collection of mostly carbon cells who would come out with strange, nonsensical half sentences that never developed into anything involving a direction, a purpose or a conclusion.

Being at the time a 54 year old alcoholic, just quitting and gritting my teeth was no good, the cravings were too strong. I forced myself to get up early and walked and/or jogged myself into a sufficiently tired state to be able to go to bed and sleep early enough to escape the worst of the cravings.

Ironically I am posting this at nearly midnight as I am unable to sleep right now.

You can do it if you get your mind in the right place.

Dee74

Hey Tap

As a drinker, I could rationalise for the Olympics

The task of walking away is just that, walking away...it's as easy or as hard as you want to make it.

I made it into a Herculean effort when I was drinking...but when I genuinely thought I was about to die, it was the easiest thing in the world.

D