Magnolia17

Last beer was the day before yesterday.

It's only a matter of time until I relapse.

It's the only comfort, peace and seeming happiness I have. It doesn't criticize or judge.

I'm worried and in pain

Miserable.

Called woman from AA who is picking me up at 5:00

The minutes drag by.

No one should have to live my life

Pajanickah

Give it a week of pure sobriety and good foods that you want to eat. Spoil yourself. Pick up a white chip and really listen in the meeting.

You're vulnerable right now. I definitely get it, but the longer your remain sober, the better everything will be. It might not make sense now, but I promise you it will.

-Nick

Magnolia17

Thanks Nick but I'm a chronic relapser.

Because of whatever damage has been done.

I have no food until next week. Not because it was spent alcohol. My neighbor gives me that for free if I want it.

I just don't care anymore. Because I know it's just a matter of time

I don't want to face anymore.

LadyBug66

Magnolia, I understand. Alcohol was my bestest friend for a long time ... at the same time my worst enemy. When I decided to stop drinking it felt like my best friend died and I wanted her back. It's going to be hard staying sober but so worth it. I'm almost 8 months and it has been one of the hardest things I have done. When you feel weak get on-line and post, read or chat real time. SR got me thru it and keeps me sober. At my weakest moments I get here and someone always says something that helps me get thru the moment. Another plus.... I have saved $1,500.00!

daredevil

Magnolia,

There's no two ways around it. A person has to want sobriety. And it's not easy.

Most days I would love to tie one on, but in the early days, it takes resolve and fortitude, and it's hard-earned.

Relapse is a choice.

It's not inevitable.

Don't trick yourself into believing alcohol is some sort of friend.

least

If you think you can't stay sober, then the only person you're kidding is yourself. You can stay sober, but it takes work. Are you willing to do the work? You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

DarklingSong

Magnolia, my heart goes out to you because I have been there. That voice telling you that relapse is inevitable is lying. It is the addiction talking. I promise that voice will get weaker the more sober time you have. Just because you have repeatedly relapsed does not meet you have to again. Many folks on SR are serial relapsers, me included. Please come and join the August group and get some extra daily support. It really helps. Give yourself a chance.

Pajanickah

But you're going to have to face it eventually. Do you not have any food bank resources in your area? They have helped me in the past immensely. Lots of times they can help you with resources to pay your bills.

You're a few days in, keep it up. It's not gonna get better if you don't make it better. You're already doing the right things. Just keep doing them!

Thinking about ya,

-Nick

decchemist

You seem to be talking yourself into relapsing. Or your AV is doing that.

Why not choose to NOT be a chronic relapser anymore? It's 100% possible. You are in control. Talk yourself into sobriety instead.

Magnolia17

When I look back my life has been 85 %miserabled 5%horrific and 5%liveable.

No true joy, contentment, good times.

I'm too much of a coward to off myself, but I just don't want to go through anymore.

Weird place I'm in now. Knowing I can't just check out but nothing makes me happy.

I just got used to filling the void with alcohol I guess

Ha, what a loser.

I'm just laying here staring out the window.

Without money or alcohol, I have no life.

Thanks everyone

Berrybean

Hugs to you. You've removed alcohol but not got any new tools yet. It won't stay like this forever if you work on your recovery and learn some new and better ways to deal with life and how to adjust your perspective. An alcoholic who is sober but without recovery is always likely to feel restless, irritable and discontent. How you're feeling is just a stage that can and will pass if you stay sober and do what you need to do.

How did the meeting go?

BB

gypsytears

You aren’t a loser. You have a life. You can choose joy, contentment & happiness without alcohol.

A few days ago I found out some news that’s left me emotionally devastated. Do I want to drink and check out? Yes. Did I? No. I know it won’t change anything and will only make me feel worse. So I’m keeping busy, working on letting go of the pain of the recent upset. Drinking is simply not an option any more. Once you take it off the table it gets easier.

Berrybean

PS. There are loads of AA speaker recordings online that you could listen to. Most are about an hour so that'd help pass some time. I really like Sandy Beach and Earl H. In the early days I listened to Mickey Bush on a regular basis, but my tastes have changed I reckon and I find him a bit too nuts to listen to for long nowadays. They're all pretty funny I places, but wise nonetheless. Anyway, its just an idea as it might help kill some time and get you more in the recovery zone than the whats-the-point-it's-all-****-and-thats-how-its-destined-to-stay (alcoholic thinking) zone.

https://www.recoveryaudio.org/step-1-speaker-tapes


Have you ever read the AA promises? I never thought that they could ever come true, and never realky believed that it was possible that they d really happened for anyone. But they do, and they did. All of 'em. Im not saying its been an easy journey, and I'll admit that I wanted to die as well for a bit of it, but it really was worth every single but of it. I could never have imagined what it would be like to feel this much at peace with myself and the world. It's like being a different person altogether. And I'm not unusual. It's what happens when we get well-er.

BB

elisava

when you attend an, be humble and tell them you have no food. they will provide and keep a sober keeper near you if need be. at gets a bad rap, but they do take take of their own. please justcask.

Berrybean

I'm not sure that anyone at AA will provide food or a 'keeper'. It's a recovery group, and that is the primary purpose of the fellowship. I've never known anyone to be given food to take away or financial aid at a meeting. Wouldnt want you going there with false expectations.

BB

elisava

I would not expect financial aid from aa meetings.
however, if you are in need if food and a place to sleep while committing to sobriety, I know that several members will have options for you. please just ask.

Magnolia17

She's not here yet bb. She's a half hour late. If she doesn't show up I guess it'll be one more thing for me to just get over? Ugh

AnvilheadII

can you call her? i'm sorry she's late, sometimes that happens tho. hang in there M. you are so worth it.

mns1

Magnolia you can’t let that voice in your head mess with you it’s coming from a part of your brain that wants only alcohol and it will manipulate the rest of your brain into getting what it wants.

Many of us here have been chronic relapsers ourselves but that doesn’t define our future. I know you are feeling anxious and uncertain but try to just breathe and really pay attention to what you feel. That voice in your head can’t make you grab a drink you can choose to ignore it and stay sober.

If deep down you really want something better for yourself you’ll find a way to get through this

Dee74

Hi magnolia

when we quit drinking our brain chemistry is all mixed up. It can take a while for things to settle.

all the thoughts I had - that I needed to drink - that life sucked and being sober would make no difference, I was a loser...

All thoughts I would have to entice me to drink again.
all that is simply not true

Things can do and will get better, None of us would be here if it didn't.

Sounds like you've been drinking got a long time. Why not give recovery a chance now?

Its hard goign for a while but no harder than drinking - and you're not alone - lean on the support here.

You can do this

D