qtpi

I wish I were over all the heartache .. but I am not. I left XAH in May 2016. He has turned my children against me. One has reconnected and we are tiptoeing around each other. She apologized for treating me poorly- did this spontaneously last week. I was so surprised. I miss the perks of my old life- having someone to come in the door, sharing concerns, feeling financially secure. I don't miss the bad parts, but there were some good parts- the intermittent chicken thing. Anyway, I have been seeing a counselor, and finally caved and went on medicine, but I still cry so much. I don't know what I want out of life. I do have friends, good work, and hobbies. But the loss of my children just overshadows everything. At least there is hope with my daughter- but it is early stages and I think she is still afraid of me. I have been reading about Parental Alienation Syndrome by Amy Baker and it all adds up and makes sense. Amy has some good suggestions and I am hopeful. I think what I am beginning to understand is these two children mean more to me than anything- I would change jobs,live in a box, do anything I could think of to reconnect with them. They were my life for so many years. Maybe that is the problem and I need to just create a life just for me alone. Maybe I am too attached- certainly I am too attached if I expect love from my son who has nothing to do with me. Thanks for your support. Still struggling. Not sure if I am being clear.

Mango212

I've downloaded the sample of the book to check it out. Does it have steps/ideas on overcoming this problem?

Creating our own lives is a huge part of it. Power of attraction. Prayer. Meditation.

As we become healthier, our relationships are bound to be healthier, including those with our children. As dynamics change, things can seem jumbled up for a while. But then again, weren't they already? I'm trusting that becoming more authentically "me" and knowing/living my truth will bring good things about.

dandylion

qtpi…..I am glad that you are going to your counselor and that you are willing to take medicine.....to do what helps....And, it is o.k. to cry....we have tears for a reason....that is why we were given them by Mother Nature...

Just don't ever give up....you will work your way through this if you just don't give up.....

Remember that young adults are very, very pre-occupied with their own lives...trying to make their own way...and, they don't spend every hour of the day thinking about how their parent may be feeling....and, they can appear very selfish and absorbed.....
Whereas, your situation is different than theirs....you are at a starting over stage.....and, haven't, yet, built new and meaningful things to fill the empty spaces that you feel...but...that will come, in time....


Your kids still have a lot to learn and a lot to work through....
it will take whatever time it takes....and, these family
issues can take a long time....I have seen it happen in my extended family and in other families, a lot of times....


I believe that if a child loves you at 6yrs.....they will love you at 60...….


I am glad that you are posting.....hang in there...

LifeRecovery

Qtpi-

I know this is cliche but I had a period of time when the trauma of the situation was dying down that the feelings about the situation really rose up and almost overtook me.

I know it does not feel like it now, but this is when my recovery really turned a corner. This is when I started to dig into the old stuff that I really needed to work on to heal.

I know this is not any fun. I know this next statement is the last thing you want to hear, but I had to feel worse.....so I could feel better. I had to really heal a lot of old stuff. In retrospect I am glad that leaving the relationship I did made me feel so bad that it FORCED me to look at the painful stuff....but it felt miserable at the time.

Keep doing the hard work, there will be so much that you discover about you.

FindingAmy

I know just how hard this is for you. I had the same situation. The only thing I find that I am able to do is let my children know I am a safe space for them. No judgment, no criticism, no anger. And I stick by that as hard as it is. Eventually, hopefully they will see that. In the meanwhile, keep working on you and your healing. They will energetically feel and see the change in you. Keep moving forward. I oftentimes had to ask myself, when I was in my 20s did I want to hang out with MY mom? No way. So while yes, my kids have the whole child of an alcoholic part of it happening, they are still just young adults in their 20s trying to figure out their life, like everyone else. Just be a safe space for them. They will come around.

Mango212

Your first words were about heartache. In the energy system of the body there is a very strong connection between emotional heartaches and energy blockages in the heart chakra.

"If we could move through life with no disappointments and no loss or grief, then our heart chakra might stay open and loving in the world, but every pain or contraction creates armoring, protectiveness and defensiveness. The heart chakra is associated with our creativity, our love of life, appreciation of nature and other people, compassion and empathy."


3 ways to work on opening the heart chakra:

1. Express emotions

2. Self-love

3. Reiki

This was something my first therapist pinpointed and directed me towards. I'm thankful for this reminder. I could use some extra heart awareness and healing again.

hopeful4

Sending you many hugs friend!

I cannot really imagine how hard it has to be with your children. One good thing I would think would be that when one comes around to some things, they can influence the other ones. So hopefully your daughter is seeing your behavior, and changing her thinking. Keep working on that progress!

In the mean time, keep working on your own physical self and your mind. Keep going to counseling. It's hard to dig deep, but well worth it!

Sasha1972

I don't have any wisdom to offer here, just underlining what everyone else has said about being continuing to be the sane and stable person you are. As your children gain some distance and perspective on the situation, and as they acquire life experience, I really believe they will come to see you in a very different light. It's the waiting for this to happen that's excruciating. But it sounds like you are doing really well at staying with the feelings and letting yourself experience the emotions rather than trying to shut them down. It's tough and you have all my sympathy.

maia1234

qtpi,
I am sorry that you hurt. The kids are the innocent victims in the game of alcoholism. By you doing what you are doing will make a difference. Meds and a therapist are really good for you with, you being so sad.

Hang in there my friend, at least your daughter heart is softening. You are in a better place now, then when you joined. Be patient.

Hugs!!

SmallButMighty

qtpi, you know that you and I share similar situations with our sons. Nothing breaks a mama's heart quite like a wayward child...even when they are all grown up. My heart understands your heart, and I am sending you hugs and compassion with all my might.

I want to share something with you, I hope that it will give you faith that things will get better...

Last night before falling asleep I picked up my phone. There was a FB message... it was from my son!...He thanked me for the birthday gifts I'd sent(he hasn't given me that courtesy the last couple years)... he then went on to say he knows he has been "unresponsive" and that it wasn't fair. He said he wasn't mad anymore like he used to be but he had been holding a grudge and didn't know why anymore. He said he was sorry for hurting me and he told me he loved me. [paraphrased]

I sent him a quick message back, thanking him and telling him how relieved I was and how much his message had lightened my heart... Then I cried for about two hours.

I don't have any delusions about our relationship being 100% mended. It will take more then a midnight text exchange for that... but it is a start.

If it can happen for me and my son, it can happen for you and your son.

I never stopped loving my boy, but I did release him to his own destiny, I rebuilt my own life, and then, when he was ready, he came back. Have faith your son will do the same, but keep working on redefining who you are as an individual, separate from your children. My own mother's biggest heartache is that she still views her children as extensions of herself... because of that she will never be truly happy in her own right... it's very sad.

You are doing all the right things qtpi, one foot in front of the other, you ARE getting there.

*HUG*