pivotalplains

I've been searching for some help coping with an unwanted divorce. It's something I brought on myself by my own actions, but I'm still having a really hard time dealing with it 16 months into our separation and seeing him having a new girlfriend.
I still dream about our reconciliation a few times a month and it's so hard to wake up from those dreams, let alone move on because I still love him with all my heart and feel he was my one true soulmate. Does anyone here have experience with this?
I don't know if I'll ever get over him and it's been holding me back from meeting new people or getting away from isolating. looking for advice from those who have gone through something similar.

pivotalplains

I have a really supportive friend group of just 3 best friends, but quality over quantity- they've never given up on me and lift me up every day in exchange for the same, although none of them suffer from substance abuse. I love them to death and they've never pushed me away no matter how many times I've let them down with my alcoholism, which have been many.

Lately I've been having a lot of feelings and thoughts I'd like to talk about, but unfortunately my very best friend was on the other side of a toxic and hurtful relationship with an addict and is now in a great one with someone new, and I don't feel it'd be respectful to her to talk about my sad feelings of being left because that'd be triggering and hurtful to her, considering she's living the other side of the same coin and had to make the hard decision to end a relationship with someone she loved but who was an addict who was ultimately unwilling to help herself. I've seen her emotional struggles with that firsthand and have cried with her over the loss of her marriage due to it, and I support her in that although it's also my situation, but backwards, which is both weird and hard.

So here I am because I don't want to burden my friends with what's going on in my world, because they've already dealt with enough of my chaos.

Would really appreciate any insight from anyone who's gone through something similar?

Aliceiw

Hi, Pivotal.

I'm glad you're here. It's a good place. You'll get lots of help and support with your issues related to drinking, that's for sure.

I can relate to losing a marriage recently. I'd been married for 29 years prior to last November, and I'd say that divorce is an unhappy, stressful thing under the best of circumstances, but if you're being blamed by your ex. (or blaming yourself) for the breakup, please let yourself off the hook. It does no good for anyone, and most of all it's detrimental to your sobriety. I had a bad case of the what-ifs initially -- I still do, sometimes, if I'm honest. But I've realized that that kind of thinking does no good. The current situation I'm in is what I have to work with, and dwelling on the past won't get me from here to where I want to be in the future. Probably just the opposite.

When did you stop drinking? I'm curious because I only just recently stopped with a determination to never drink again.

I'm feeling a bit healthier -- bit by bit. Maybe by really putting down some good tracks on the sober side of the street, your thinking will get clearer, your self-esteem will get a boost, and you'll find that your supposed true love was just a step on the way to something much better.

I'm hoping that will be true for both of us.

Hang in there.

Buckley3

I highly recommend a book called 'Rebuilding' by Bruce Fisher. Apparently it's a best seller purely because of word of mouth recommendations.

I read it when I went through a very painful breakup years ago and found it very helpful. More than that - I carried it with me. It was my roadmap out of the chaos and pain. It's one of the most influential books I've ever read.

It's hard. But you can heal.

Best to you-

B

pivotalplains

thank you

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain pivotalplains, but I'm glad to see you back..

i wasn't married but one of the hardest things I had to do was accept a break up and move on.

Whether or not it was my fault or not, whether it was fair or not, my loved one moved on and I had no choice but to accept that,

I kept working on myself - becoming th person I wanted to be - and eventually I met someone else and this time addiction was not a factor,

It was a very strange and often tough journey to get here but I'm glad I'm here.
I hope you'll be able to say the same one day soon.

D

BlownOne

Hi Pivotal. I know your pain. I've been exactly where you are. Unwanted divorce, hoping against hope things would change for the better, the horrible emptiness and loneliness. Divorce is hell, and an unwanted one is utterly shattering. I wish I could tell you things will probably get better quickly, but in my own experience, they don't. I'm a little over 3 1/2 years post divorce and it's still a fight to get thru certain days. I don't have a lot of advice to offer except that time is the best medicine of all. There's no way to avoid the pain that comes along with a divorce. You can't go above it, underneath it or around it. The only way out is thru it. The only other thing I can add, is that try to ditch the whole idea of a soulmate. There's no such thing. Love is an act of the will. There are literally millions of people on this planet who thought they have found their soul mate only to discover that they were incompatible and the relationship failed. Then they move on to find someone else down the road who is a better fit for them. You will, too. Give it time. But the sooner we come to grips with the fact that sometimes two people just aren't good for each other, or meant to be together, the sooner the healing can begins. Don't put it off like I did. It caused a tremendous amount of needless suffering. Only my two cents. Take what helps and leave the rest. Hugs to you. I know how you feel.

Gerard52

So true and attachment is not love.

icewater1961

All of us want love, we perhaps have a lot to give, unless alcohol or substance abuse took it away. In any case we want to be loved. But you must be clear. Did you sow the seeds of rejection? The blame game does not heal anything, so don't blame yourself, but my ex boyfriend of 15 years simply could not deal with my drinking. He still does not trust me. I have dated other people since and so has he but not successfully. I have to move on, he moved on before I did, but I must face that and see what happens. No reason to cry on the ashes when my so called soulmate (is there ever one?!?) is convinced that the last six years of our relationship were hell for him. He drinks, a wine connoisseur he is, but not out of control as I was. I chime in with what most everyone else on this forum likely would recommend, concentrate on YOUR RECOVERY. The rest will fall into place, eventually.

Gottalife

Page 98 of the AA Big Book have some useful suggestions and experience to offer in the context of how a newcomer might be helped through these problems. That chapter is Working with Others.

" Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

Now, the domestic problem: There may be divorce, separation, or just strained relations. When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration."

canguy

Hard situation. Been there.....6 years on she still occasionally appears in my dreams. But with time I've come to see that it is the marriage I miss more than the person now. It can slowly shift with time. I have also found that loneliness can become relaxed solitude. Give yourself time to sort through it all in your own mind. There will inevitably be a lot to be learned.
Eventually you do come out the other side of it. The surroundings will be very different , you will be a slightly different person. Maybe a little wiser, a little easier with yourself and others.
Just give it time.
All the best.

theduker

I am going through something very similar. My ex just got engaged and it completely rocked my world. We were married for 17 years. I just never thought that would happen. But there is hope! I still love her and the greatest gift that I can give her right now is to pray for her. It is very hard to do but you will be glad you did. I hate it when people tell me to let it go or just trust God. It is lot easier said then done. But trust we must.

However, remember that your addiction chose you. When you said your vows your spouse promised to love you even when you are at your worst. His moving on says more about him than it says about you. The sad part is that those of us who do not struggle with drug addiction do not understand that this is an actual brain disease. That is not my diagnosis, that is what peer reviewed research on this subject actually shows. But, we do have a responsibility to stay in recovery once we get back in. I know that if I drink today that I will be off on another toxic journey. Addiction is not abuse, but it can lead to abuse if we do not seek help. The person who suffers more when we are deep in our addiction is us. Your addiction has nothing to do with how much you love him. Your love for your ex is real and do not forget that.

Anustart

I've been separated/divorced for over two years. Although I've had a few short-lived relationships since, I still struggle with the loss of my wife on the regular. However, this occurred to me a couple of weeks ago and it's actually helped: divorce probably saved my life.

I was an end-stage alcoholic. It took facing the impending loss of my marriage to finally sober me up and face the issues I drank to escape from for years and years. Too late to save my marriage, but not too late to save myself: I've now been sober almost two-and-a-half years. Also now I know I can never go back to alcohol because sobriety is the one good thing to come out of the fires of divorce hell and that's a great incentive for me.

So these thoughts have brought me some comfort recently. Hopefully they can help you, too. Divorce is a tragic, terrible thing, but struggle can lead to growth and change if we put the work in.

Stay strong.

Dee74

Welcome to SR TheDuker

D