rayna87

I had a really bad day at work on Wednesday. Not like the previous bad days I’ve talked about - there is no explaining the background of this, but I was screamed and cursed at by someone who isn’t even my boss, within 30 seconds of my arriving to work, for something that wasn’t my fault and had nothing to do with me. This has driven me to very seriously consider looking for another job, but that’s another story.

I had a liquid lunch on Wednesday after what happened that morning. After that, that night, I drank close to 2 bottles of wine. Thursday I felt like crap, so I drank more, as a hair of the dog sort of thing. Slept really well and felt normal again on Friday. Then went out with the ‘best friend’ and a bunch of people late Friday afternoon, which lasted until about 1am. One of the people there was also there on the 4th of July, at the party prior to my falling off the toilet. He made so many jokes and was saying “last time I saw you, you poured an entire bottle of wine into one glass!!” He said it like it was so “funny” and “cool”. He has no idea that a couple hours after that “hilarious” incident, I was on my face in a bathroom because of it. I actually did tell him though...in response to his jokes. But I was out of my mind again, so I tried to make even the falling story sound “funny” and “cool”, just like he did. I mean, he had just told me all kinds of “funny” 4 Lokos stories he’s had, so gotta fit in, right? At one point, he and another guy I know were talking about the first times they met me. Both stories centered ENTIRELY around large amounts of alcohol. The 4th of July whole bottle of wine story was of course brought up again, even though that was far from my first time meeting this one person. As well as some night in VIP at a bar downtown from the other person. These stories were all told to be so “funny” and “cool”.

Waking up at 1pm today feeling like death was not “funny” or “cool”. Like an idiot, I went with the hair of the dog solution again, and polished off the half a glass of wine i didn’t finish yesterday, and 2 White Claws. Then went down the street and bought another bottle of wine. Which, if I can be proud of myself for anything in the past 72 hours, it’s that I haven’t opened it.

I keep screwing this up for really dumb reasons, and I hate that, but I want to feel good again. I feel like a broken record saying this is it this time, when i can’t seem to stay out of my own vicious cycle.

least

This time, make it your last time. You never have to feel this badly again.

suki44883

Did you leave? Why? Even when we aren't drinking, we still need the support we get here. What is your plan to keep this from happening again? What kind of face-to-face support are you getting, or plan on getting?

RoverVA

No one can tell you when it is time for the last drink. But it is so much better and brighter on the other side. You should read all the reasons and stories from people on this board, and you will see where you are in the stage of alcohol abuse. Only then you can decide when it is enough and time to quit before it is too late.

Gottalife

Well Rayna, when you think about it, you handed that idiot the power to actually kill you. Does it sound sane to say "well that person really hurt my feelings, so I will hurt myself some more"?

Truuth is, it is not the reason you drank. If it hadn't been captain obnoxious, it would have been something else. The problem is in your reaction to life. You reacted just like someone with an alcoholic mind would react.

The really dumb reason this keeps happening seems to be that no effective action is being taken to address your alcoholism. If nothing chnages, nothing changes.

"A profound change in our reaction to life" would be the answer.

fini

would it be better if you kept screwing this up for really SMART reasons??
nah!
i kept screwing it up for seemingly any and all reasons, but really, because i had no real solution. which related to having not peoperly identified the problem that needed solving.

rayna87

I love this outlook about never feeling badly again, so much! Thank you! And I love your quotes about your dogs, I feel the same way about my cat!

rayna87

This hit me very profoundly, and I thank you very much for that. Especially since, that morning, I didn’t even want to cry and kept willing myself not to, because I knew my eyes and head would hurt all day, and I kept telling myself he wasn’t worth that. So if he’s not worth a day of a headache, he most certainly is not worth my life. Thank you very, very much.

DontRemember

That's what it took for me to finally get sober;to stop drinking at people/places/things I had no control over. It's a VERY easy excuse/reason to drink and in early sobriety there will be lots of them...

rayna87

I didn’t leave for any reasons, was just doing good and all was well, but then had a horrible work week which rolled over into a party night last night, surrounded by the worst drinking people/influences you could possibly imagine. Drinking as a whole is all a big joke and a funny game to them. I don’t have health insurance, but I am going to look into one on one counseling/therapy to try and figure out the root of this problem.

DontRemember

I don't have insurance either,but paid cash for 3 sessions with a therapist when I was done drinking. She even told me half way through the 2nd that "you know what you need to do,just do that. You really don't need me." So..I waited about 2mo into my 'serious sobriety' as I call it and went back for my final just to get some stuff off my chest regarding my sober thoughts. It's nice to have a souding board,but I started using AA for that and it became my 'therapy session'.

rayna87

Very good to know...thank you so much.

HTown

I paid for an addiction doctor. He sent me to his addiction councillor. She told me to go to AA. You do not need insurance, but you need help. I did not do AA myself, but SR gave me the tools to stick with my plan. You need a plan.

Step one. Pour out that unopened bottle of wine.
Step two. Make a list of pros and cons drinking and build a plan

entropy1964

I have to look very closely at my actions and reactions. There is never anything/anyone to drink over. I choose that response. The person at work, who wronged you to the degree that you chose to drink 'at' them, really doesn't feature prominently in your post.

I would do the same thing. Some kind of perceived wrong, then drink. Then create so much shame because of my drinking that the original reason for drinking is no longer an issue. My drinking IS the issue.

People are wrong all the time. I'm wrong all the time. And most people don't get loaded over it. There were multiple different ways to handle the work situation. Drinking was not only the worst way, but the least effective. Ya know? All you did was hurt you more.

Actions and reactions. Its your choice.