I need to know if I am giving my son the right advice
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I need to know if I am giving my son the right advice
My son called me last night for advice, or just to have someone to talk to. My DIL has bipolar. She is really good about taking meds, she actually has a top security clearance contracted with DHS. So, I'm just really saying that she is really aware of, and does control her bipolar.
My son has been bringing up having another baby. He is getting upset because it seems like she doesn't want to talk about it. He is getting impatient, and just wants to sit down and communicate about this, and he will accept whatever answer she gives him. He is just frustrated with the lack of communication.
I told him that he needs to give things time, that she needs to think about it, because it is her body, it's also about 2 years or more of her switching her meds. He told me that she did fine the last time with switching her meds. I told him, you don't really know that. See, my DIL, when upset, closes up. She may talk about something 2 weeks later, a month later, or never at all. I told my son that you might not really know all the mental control that she had to do for those 2 years, and that she might need some more time, or a lot more time to come to a decision, but that is something she needs to work out for herself.
My son also told me that during this discussion that she told him, that you would need to step up a lot more. Well, my son did get upset about this, but didn't really voice it, till he called me. He is doing most of the cooking, cleaning, wash, and yard work, and he told me that he just needed validation that he is already doing all of this. I validated him, but I also told him, that he would need to step up a little more if she gets pregnant again, and he would also have to do more of taking care of his 1 1/2 year old son then he is doing now, because she will be mentally fighting things within herself with a change in meds to become pregnant, and then to go thru the pregnancy, then to breast feed for at least a year, or longer.
I tried to tell my son that perhaps seeing a therapist is the best, he doesn't want to. He told me that by talking to me, he feels calmer and that I am saying things that he never even considered.
My question is..... am I saying the right things, is there anything someone can help me with?
I also told my son, not to J.A.D.E. (justify, argue, defend, explain). For ex, when she said that he would have to step up more, I told him to never say to her about how much he is doing now. I told him, well, that's just going to cause a big fight, because in a way, she may take that as she is doing nothing.
I also told him if things get somewhat awkward, or not going well, that he can always say, I have to do whatever for about 15 mins, or longer, but can we discuss this, and then give a time. That it will give both of them a time period to cool off, or just be able to think.
Thanks,
amy
My son has been bringing up having another baby. He is getting upset because it seems like she doesn't want to talk about it. He is getting impatient, and just wants to sit down and communicate about this, and he will accept whatever answer she gives him. He is just frustrated with the lack of communication.
I told him that he needs to give things time, that she needs to think about it, because it is her body, it's also about 2 years or more of her switching her meds. He told me that she did fine the last time with switching her meds. I told him, you don't really know that. See, my DIL, when upset, closes up. She may talk about something 2 weeks later, a month later, or never at all. I told my son that you might not really know all the mental control that she had to do for those 2 years, and that she might need some more time, or a lot more time to come to a decision, but that is something she needs to work out for herself.
My son also told me that during this discussion that she told him, that you would need to step up a lot more. Well, my son did get upset about this, but didn't really voice it, till he called me. He is doing most of the cooking, cleaning, wash, and yard work, and he told me that he just needed validation that he is already doing all of this. I validated him, but I also told him, that he would need to step up a little more if she gets pregnant again, and he would also have to do more of taking care of his 1 1/2 year old son then he is doing now, because she will be mentally fighting things within herself with a change in meds to become pregnant, and then to go thru the pregnancy, then to breast feed for at least a year, or longer.
I tried to tell my son that perhaps seeing a therapist is the best, he doesn't want to. He told me that by talking to me, he feels calmer and that I am saying things that he never even considered.
My question is..... am I saying the right things, is there anything someone can help me with?
I also told my son, not to J.A.D.E. (justify, argue, defend, explain). For ex, when she said that he would have to step up more, I told him to never say to her about how much he is doing now. I told him, well, that's just going to cause a big fight, because in a way, she may take that as she is doing nothing.
I also told him if things get somewhat awkward, or not going well, that he can always say, I have to do whatever for about 15 mins, or longer, but can we discuss this, and then give a time. That it will give both of them a time period to cool off, or just be able to think.
Thanks,
amy
Last edited by Opivotal; 08-18-2018 at 04:16 PM. Reason: Sorry about the hanging L after advice in the title, don't know how to fix that. Fix hanging L. :)
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Sounds to me like you gave your son excellent advice, Amy. I'm sure he appreciated your input and the opportunity to vent.
PS. I fixed your hanging L. In order to edit the title, you need to click on advanced.
PS. I fixed your hanging L. In order to edit the title, you need to click on advanced.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Opivotal 
Sounds to me like you gave your son excellent advice, Amy. I'm sure he appreciated your input and the opportunity to vent.
PS. I fixed your hanging L. In order to edit the title, you need to click on advanced.
PS. I fixed your hanging L. In order to edit the title, you need to click on advanced.
again, thank you
amy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
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Amy, I think you were right on point. Your conversation included both sides, was fair and balanced and included excellent suggestions on how to have a meaningful discussion with his wife. You did good! I hope this brings you closer to trusting yourself.
Well done.
Well done.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
You've been open to listening, being supportive, and offering constructive suggestions to your son. I imagine your son and daughter-in-law appreciate that.
My son will come to me with questions and concerns as well, and I offer honesty and support. In the past, when he was living at home, not yet on his own, I'd try to fix things -- that's just me. But that didn't work out so well for either of us.
Hoping all works out well with whatever they decide.
My son will come to me with questions and concerns as well, and I offer honesty and support. In the past, when he was living at home, not yet on his own, I'd try to fix things -- that's just me. But that didn't work out so well for either of us.
Hoping all works out well with whatever they decide.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I read your share with not a small but of awe! I would be so appreciative of he kind of MIL-ing (and, mothering) you did.
My MIL is a good woman and I know she loves me but she would have no ability to empathize with a situation like this. At one point I was diagnosed with BPD (my mom is bipolar and an alcoholic) and while all symptoms virtually disappeared when I got sober, I very much relate to any trepidation your DIL may have surrounding any aspect of having a baby. I take what is a successful combination of meds that really support my dedicated AA program- and at recently 42 and married a year, and 32 mo sober, one of he biggest reasons my husband and I aren't going to have a baby is precisely because of the balance I maintain.
These are such personal and complicated decisions- I am so glad your son and DIL have strong support and sincere love from you.
My MIL is a good woman and I know she loves me but she would have no ability to empathize with a situation like this. At one point I was diagnosed with BPD (my mom is bipolar and an alcoholic) and while all symptoms virtually disappeared when I got sober, I very much relate to any trepidation your DIL may have surrounding any aspect of having a baby. I take what is a successful combination of meds that really support my dedicated AA program- and at recently 42 and married a year, and 32 mo sober, one of he biggest reasons my husband and I aren't going to have a baby is precisely because of the balance I maintain.
These are such personal and complicated decisions- I am so glad your son and DIL have strong support and sincere love from you.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Sounds good, Amy.
Sometimes all someone needs is to be a good and neutral listener.
My DIL is a lovely, caring person.
She is also a person of impulse, and her decisions don’t always sit well with my son.
I listen, say “um hum “and “I know” a lot.
I try not to offer advice because I don’t think that is what he wants.
I had a very controlling MIL during my first marriage who just loooovved to blow things up.
I vowed I never become that kind of MIL.
Once my DIL paid me the highest compliment. The house next door to theirs was for sale and she told me that she wished I would buy it and move next to them.
Not that I would, but really, what a nice thing to say.
Sometimes all someone needs is to be a good and neutral listener.
My DIL is a lovely, caring person.
She is also a person of impulse, and her decisions don’t always sit well with my son.
I listen, say “um hum “and “I know” a lot.
I try not to offer advice because I don’t think that is what he wants.
I had a very controlling MIL during my first marriage who just loooovved to blow things up.
I vowed I never become that kind of MIL.
Once my DIL paid me the highest compliment. The house next door to theirs was for sale and she told me that she wished I would buy it and move next to them.
Not that I would, but really, what a nice thing to say.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I vowed I never become that kind of MIL.
Once my DIL paid me the highest compliment. The house next door to theirs was for sale and she told me that she wished I would buy it and move next to them.
Not that I would, but really, what a nice thing to say.
Once my DIL paid me the highest compliment. The house next door to theirs was for sale and she told me that she wished I would buy it and move next to them.
Not that I would, but really, what a nice thing to say.
So nice that you nurture that relationship with your DIL. Hoping my daughter and SIL realize that, though I would love to hang out with them more, I don't want to be the PITA mother/mother-in-law.
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