Glenjo99

reading codependent no more (melody beattie) and attended my first coda meeting today, which was really enjoyable. In both cases they mention to beware that chemistry/magnetism/charisma that you have with someone because it's a sure sign we are being drawn into a codependent relationship. I'm fascinated by this, I had huge chemistry with my "friend", like nothing I've experienced before in my life. First night I met him, something inside me switched and told me he was going to be in my life for a long time, and the sexual chemistry also huge. So what I'm learning is this is a red flag, to be aware of. In the meeting some members said, they would also steer away from "boring" people because there was no chemistry and I have always done this too!! So I've been doing it wrong all my life?? The chemistry is a warning sign and should be looking at people in a different way. Love to hear your experiences and thoughts on this

kevlarsjal2

I personally think this chemistry thing is not very accurate. At least not in my experience. I have had that feeling of a chemistry in relationships as well as friendships with people and I wouldn't classify those relationships / friendships as codependent. Also I would say that people generally tend to find some people boring and others as interesting / charismatic.

I think the red flag for me is when I feel something like "this person will make me feel better about myself" or when we expect them to fill a hole in ourselves, we think they are the solution to all our problems, etc.

NYCDoglvr

Sure enough I feel a very strong pull towards unavailable men including alcoholics. I learned in Alanon that "chemistry" means I should walk away and I've finally learned that. Feeling that someone was my "soul mate" means it's the wrong person. Thanks for bringing up this important subject. We tend to romanticize our feelings and think there's some divine purpose behind them. It's simply the way denial and rationalization work hand in hand in ensuring the continuation of a dysfunctional relationship.

dandylion

Glenjo…...to me, that sounds a little too simplistic....
I tend to think that how one handles that attraction to another person, is what makes the difference....
I think that the early romantic attraction is a biological event...that Mother Nature has used...that insures the propagation of our species....
Could it be that Mother Nature got it wrong...?...lol....

I have heard it advised that one not show up for the second date...driving a U-haul and wearing a wedding dress.....(or a tux and bow tie)…...

dandylion

Glenjo….if you really want to dig into the dynamics of attraction....you might want to read about IMAGO Theory....proposed by Harvel Hendrix....
It has been around for a while....in fact, Imago Therapy is commonly used in marriage/couples therapy.....
You can find books on this on amazon.com...…
Very interesting stuff.....

kevlarsjal2

I've thought about it some more and it reminded me of a psychological theory I came across somewhere (I couldn't find the link now..):

In our adult relationships we look for something that we recognise as "love". And what idea we have of "love" depends very much on how we experienced love as children. So when we were loved in a nurturing and good way, we go out looking to find that feeling in our romantic relationships and it is that feeling that gives us the "this is the right person"/soul mate/ magnet feeling. If we come from a dysfunctional family we tend to look for the same kind of dysfunctional love that we are used to and it will be that feeling that makes us feel like it's our soul mate etc. It's because this feeling seems so familiar.

I think to me this makes sense in some ways.

dandylion

Glenjo…..something I have always wondered about....Did you ever see a whole beach, with hundreds of penguins, all standing around...?

To me, they all look alike.....so, how do they know which one they are attracted to? What are the criteria...?

biminiblue

pssshhh.

I'm attracted to lots of guys.

If I go on first impressions...

It's after a couple months I start seeing the real person.

I'm with dandylion, attraction is one thing - but the longterm way the two people get along is the real deal.

That's why it's important to take things very slowly in the beginning. Guard your heart, snail's pace. See what the person is like in lots of different situations. The beginning is like a job interview - most people can keep up a good front for a little while, but it's over time that more is revealed. I'm not sure I believe that we go looking for the same thing we grew up with. I think there are a lot of dysfunctional people out there and I don't even think most married people are necessarily in good marriages.

Glenjo99

It probably was a bit simplistic in the way I explained it. I suppose what I took from it was, that as children we have wounds come from having a dysfunctional family, which I did. Then we are attracted to people who will continue to not meet those needs for love affection etc that are there from childhood, untill we heal them first. In saying that my most recent relationship went catastrophicly wrong, I was hugely attracted to him, but I'm now thinking if I didn't meet him and go through this pain, I may not have realised I'm codependent! So my thinking is, the magnetism/attraction is the universe saying, come here, come on, there's a whole bundle of stuff I want you to learn wrapped up in this person if you can allow yourself to see it. I suppose I'm still trying to work this out and not quite grasped it completely.

Clover71

Yes. I agree. While some of these theories and practices work for others, it is not for me. Take what works for you and leave behind the rest.

trailmix

I believe I know the theory you are talking about. It goes on that you are attracted to these types of people because you are attempting to heal that original relationship/hurt by getting a different outcome in the current relationship.

I don't know if that is true or not, or that the universe decided you needed this lesson.

What I do know is that I admire you turning this in to a learning opportunity and you are really taking advantage of the different avenues available to learn all you can and apply it.

That is a really healthy sign right there, it shows you care about yourself Glenjo and you are looking after yourself.

Glenjo99

Thanks Trailmix, I'm doing my best to explore every avenue to try and understand something out of this pain. It's funny you mentioned that, I read yesterday that love is an action, and it struck a chord with me, which is why I decided to go to the coda meeting, an act of self care. It's up and down, been tearful again this afternoon but small steps.

trailmix

Yes indeed, small steps. Remember also and I'm sure you do, but bears mentioning that all you are uncovering, learning can be a bit painful as well.

I saw this thread today and maybe you will find it helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Sharing my recovery)

PeacefulWater12

I have learnt over the years that if I meet someone and I feel sparks of chemistry coming off them, if I feel magnetically attracted to them. I need to walk in the opposite direction.

The sparks are actually their dysfunction fitting into my dysfunction perfectly. If I took it forward it would lead to a long drawn out game of insanity.

Glenjo99

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Glenjo99

What a great story of recovery. I hope I get that far someday. Believe me I can go from hopefully to devastation and lonliness in a matter of minutes, so I'm sure this indicates I'm still very early in recovery. So hard

aliciagr

Its good to see you are thinking about what is shared in the meetings. When I was going to Alanon I had trouble with many of the concepts because they just didn't fit me, and I also had an issue with how people assumed certain behaviors equated to codependency. When in reality the issue goes deeper into ones thinking, and their own dysfunction patterns. Just as you stated in the second quote above..

Remember that the programs and booklets have been written from a dysfunctional viewpoint. Melodie Beattie for example self proclaims she lived in dysfunction and was also a long term alcoholic. She never learned normal in many cases, and wrote her books because this is what was helpful to her and she says led her to a detour from the dysfunction.

In Alanon its said to take what you want and leave the rest. Its because many things will only click with certain people due to their unique life experiences and such. For example being a family member to someone who has a use disorder, doesn't equate to being a codependent.

The other thing the therapist reminded me of.. which was very helpful was that people generally think others think like they do, evaluate facts in the same way they do, have the same inner feelings, and do things for the same reason they would do something.

Unfortunately this is what often causes people to make judgment's about other people , and offer advice that may not be applicable to the individual.

dandylion

So….if I am hearing people correctly....Glenjo and PeacefulWater, for example (lol)……
The advice would be to find people that you are not attracted to.....to have a relationship with.....?


Imago Theory takes one aspect of this into consideration...but, there is a lot more to it (according to the theory)…..
I mention this theory, because it is the thing that has given me the most understanding, thus far on this complicated subject....

Glenjo99

Guess we all have different theories/beliefs that help us. I will look into that theory.

Glenjo99

Great advise. I found the coda meeting very helpful but since then I'm wondering about all the awareness. How much is too much, am I reading too much into everything I and others do, it's a mine field really. Overwhelming!