Sasha1972

Spent the morning at the offices of the enforcement program for child support. I I obtained an order six months ago requiring drunk ex to pay ongoing and retroactive child support. He has paid $0. He owes upwards of $30K. I was told that I have to "be patient", that if he continues to default his wages will be garnished - but we have to "give him time" , and "follow the process", and that it will probably be October before any garnishing can be done. I think I'll use the same line on the bank that holds my mortgage - they have "be patient" and "give me time", and maybe by October I'll make a payment. Or maybe not if I don't feel like it.

I also was chastised for coming in person - I am supposed to call my caseworker, leave a message and wait for her to call me back. I have been leaving messages for two weeks. I was polite and calm but firm and said that if I had seen movement on my file or gotten a callback, I would not have to come to the office, but in the absence of any evidence that anything is being done I am not willing to wait indefinitely. I understand the system is backed up, I understand everyone is really busy, and I also understand that sometimes I have to be in people's faces in order for anything to happen, so that is what I am doing. See you next week.

Then home to find Kid dithering about visiting her father. She wanted to go, then she didn't, then her stomach hurt, then she was fine, then she missed the bus and worried her father would be mad if she didn't show up, so I did what I don't like doing and said I would drive her to his place (also so if he did get mad, she wouldn't be facing it alone). I asked her if she wanted this visit and she said she did, it just made her stomach hurt.

Then got a notice in the mail from the police access to information office telling me that my request for a (redacted) copy of the most recent police incident at ex's place had been rejected on the grounds that it would be an invasion of his privacy (I know his girlfriend was arrested for assaulting him and I have an incident report number - I need to know WTF is going on because he's making noises about wanting Kid at his place for longer visits, and I have to figure out the risks). I have 60 days to appeal the rejection of this request, and I will appeal.

I have been divorced for YEARS, yet this stuff still takes up far too much of my day!

Oh yes, and then I realized I had lost my bank card. That was actually the easiest problem to fix.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

Major kudos for stepping up, making yourself known and not taking any guff!!

Mango212

Is there any way to gently, lovingly tell DD to get to at least 6 alateen meetings?

Seriously, everthing's going to be okay. One day at a time.

Way to go, mom. You're doing great.

lizinaussie

My ex never paid a cent in child support. In fact, he isn’t even on her birth certificate as that would have required him to turn up sober to the court house to sign a form saying he was the father, since we were never married.

She’s 22 now so is water under the bridge really, I just wanted to say I identify with your frustration.

Clover71

Do you know her name? You can almost always look up these cases in the state judiciary database. It will at least tell you what the charge against her is

Sasha1972

Yes, that's how I know she was charged (every few months I go by the courthouse and do a record search for ex and his girlfriend - that's how I know about DUIs, assaults, etc ...). I know when and where and what the charge was, and I have the police incident report number. However, I don't know the disposition of the charge and I don't know the surrounding details.

mamabear26

I can relate to your frustration. I filed through the child support agency in February and I barely started receiving the payments garnished from his checks last month. Its a long and frustrating process.

And as far as longer visits I wouldn't agree to it especially with him having an abusive meth gf (if I remember correctly). Do what you need to do mama to protect your little one. ((Hugs))

FeelingGreat

Sasha I sympathise with your frustration about the slowness of the CS agency, but you are doing the right thing. The more noise you make the faster it will be progressed. It's annoying that the understanding is directed towards his tender nature when you are struggling financially at times because he's deliberately shirking his responsibilities.
I'm surprised he has so much attitude towards you and his parenting 'rights' when he isn't paying a cent to make her life more secure.

Seren

Sasha

I'm sorry it was such a lousy day!!! For what it's worth, I think you absolutely did the right thing by showing up in person on their doorstep--in spite of what you were told.

I can't really offer anything but support, but you have that!! Hope today is a bit better!!

biminiblue

I feel really horrible for your daughter.

I think maybe in your case, you could let go of the need to know every detail of the girlfriend's case.

But your daughter and stomach problems indicates extreme stress to me. Eventually it will change who she is. Is she in therapy?

Sasha1972

Yes - she is seeing a great counsellor who is very clued-in about the impacts of addiction but also very cool in a teenage-girl way and doesn't talk down to kids. I wish Kid had more frequent sessions but I take what I can get. Therapy is oriented towards helping Kid develop skills for coping with stress and anxiety to build resiliency. (I was able to get Kid designated as a "youth at elevated risk for substance abuse" because of her background, so I can access therapeutic interventions that are intended to reduce the likelihood of her ending up like her father (and his parents, and his parents' parents).

Mango212

Hi Sasha,

I had stomach issues as a teenager. I didn't realize they were tied to emotional/psychological issues. I didn't know why they were random and sometimes I could handle situations or even eating certain foods when other times the same things seemed to be triggers. I didn't have any support or skills in learning about what was going on in my life.

I applaud you for all you do with and for your daughter. It's very important and you deserve to hear this often: "Good job, mom!!" Sasha, you are an amazing mom.

I resisted group support because of my anxieties, fears and the great unknown of it, much the same as the alcoholic who wants a simple, easy way to recover. I needed more. Once I started going to groups, I got enough of a nugget from each meeting that I opened up to going to more.

Kid also didn't want to go to Alateen, yet what he found was something we weren't getting through the other doctor/therapist/counseling support. It's not a forever thing or commitment. It truly is "One Day at a Time" and people can drop in to any meeting, anywhere. No judgements.

There are many ways to healing and a great magic in this life. Many paths.

Have trust you're in the right place at the right time, and so is your daughter. The more I write down or verbally acknowledge this when I see it, the more I trust.

No matter the risks involved in being in alcoholic families, there are also many good things we learn along the way. Resiliency, learning what we don't want in life, seeing clearly what we do want, setting goals and learning new ways to achieve them. In letting go of what's not healthy, we learn to grab hold to what is healthy.

hopeful4

Sending you hugs and support!!!

FireSprite

I am continually blown away by your tenacity & grit Sasha. You have a lot of complicated pieces to juggle on all sides of this.

I'm glad you came here to blow off steam about all of it. Reading your posts I often feel that you don't give yourself enough credit most of the time - or see how gracefully you are managing all of it.

I'm just going to keep reminding you to make time/take time for yourself whenever possible.