Wamama48

This is a big thing. I was as blind 7 months ago, as they (family) are now. I can see the lies, cover ups, manipulation, false hope and desperation the A's in our family are feeding everyone.

This one hurts the most. My dad is all smiles and so excited that my youngest sister hasn't had a drink in 3 weeks. She is a first -thing-in-the-morning drinker, there's no way she detoxed on her own, not missing work, when she gets the shakes and hysterical when she doesn't drink right when she gets up. She lives several states away, so all my dad knows is what she's telling him, and what he so desperately wants to believe. After visiting him, and him telling me this, I got home and just cried. He will be so heart broken.

My other sister showed she could care less about my boundary I set with her, that she agreed to honor....don't text or call me when you're drinking. She was drinking, texting me nonsense. I point blanked her. She then texted me saying that it feels so good to be sober. I blocked her.

My dad asked me a few times to talk to my sisters. I respectfully set him straight and told him I matter too. I'm not letting them take me down with them. I don't deserve the hurt and chaos they dish out. It is his choice to stay in their lives, its my choice not to. He's never mentioned it again, but it hurts me to see him so upset with their misery. My step mom says I'm a strong woman. Not necessarily, but I am very strongly done with all of the A.

My A brother-in-law. He moved in with my father in law 5 months ago. FIL says if BIL is drinking he's out. His room smells like alcohol. We pointed out to FIL the beer cans in the recycle bin. He had a talk with BIL. So BIL just got better at hiding it.

BIL walks to the corner store 3 times a day. For beer. But there's no beer cans in the recycle bin they say. That's because they are in the neighbors recycle bin. They say he's cut down on the beer (even my RAH thinks this could be possible. Huh?) and they see soda cans around now instead.

We have heard from BIL doctors after his last 3 week hospital stay, he's an end stage alcoholic. He hasn't cut down, even though family says "he doesn't seem drunk." That's because who he is now is always drunk, they don't even remember what he's like sober!

I have chosen no contact with all three of them. I wish I had a choice when I was growing up to go no contact with my A mom.

It hurts so much to see the people you love sucked in and hurt by the A selfishness. But how freeing it is to see right through the A and get to CHOOSE not to be involved in their alcoholism. Its a wonderful gift I gave myself! Ok off the soap box, goodnight SR friends.

hopeful4

I agree. It's so painful and awful to see people you love get hurt by an alcoholic. They believe the lies because admitting the truth is too painful. It's a horrible cycle.

SmallButMighty

There was a time when I was still living with AXH, but was becoming awakened to my codependence, that I began to realize there was whole lot of dysfunction all around me. Not just in my marriage, but issues in my own family...my in laws... my friends... my coworkers. It was mind blowing and eye opening. Once we realize these kind of things we can't UNrealize them.

I am glad you have been able to so plainly see the dysfunctions and deceptions of some of your family members (and codependent tendencies in some others). It sucks those behaviors are happening, it sucks other people are feeding into it, but it's really, really good you are no longer fooled.

I applaud you enforcing your boundaries Wamama! I too have separated myself from many family members and friends because their choices were affecting me in negative ways. I've fought hard to gain the change and growth I have, I will never allow myself to be dragged into that kind of chaos again.

My mother is painfully codependent so I know how you feel when you describe how hurtful it is that your dad, father in law and other family members feed into the issues at hand. I have to keep a bit of distance between myself and my mum at times because she tries to suck me into enabling her codependence.

Proud of you Wamama! It's so awesome to watch people share their evolution with us.

*hugs*

Wamama48

That's true, we can't UN realize them. That's ok, I'm sure most of us like it that way. And thanks for the encouragement. 😘

NYCDoglvr

What your family believes is irrelevant.......it only matters what you think. You know you're powerless over anyone else's addiction (both to alcoholism and codependency) so the first order of business is to protect yourself and your own recovery.

Mango212

I have chosen no contact with all three of them. I wish I had a choice when I was growing up to go no contact with my A mom.


(((hugs)))

Thanks for sharing this. Kid and I have been in No Contact with his dad for 3+ months now. So far this is working out, one day at a time. He has no interest in seeing his dad in his active disease.

Mango212

Hi Wamama,

How is your anxiety doing? Mine started melting away with time & distance. No contact makes a huge part of the healing for me. The c-ptsd actually has room to be addressed more fully/deeply without additional layers of anxiety piled on.

Thank you for this thread.

One foot in front of the other.

Wamama48

Hi Mango! Still not better, but I know it WILL be if I keep slowly working and not pushing myself. I had a bad reaction last week. My RAH opens his soda in the kitchen or goes out on the porch. I hate that sound! This time he forgot and opened it as he was walking to sit down.

The reaction started and all my coping skills that help calm me didn't work. It just kept coming in waves, flashbacks to various times I'd seen him open beers. After an hour of that I was exhausted, it wouldn't stop, so I took a double dose of my CBD oil and I was asleep in 30 min.

Mango, I know you've had a very difficult past, and I'm encouraged by your progress. I know it will get better, I just wish that would happen the day before yesterday. 😅