What is the difference between letting go and...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
What is the difference between letting go and...
What is the difference between letting go and "cutting someone off" - I am referring to the poem "Letting Go takes Love" - see full text below - particularly the line "To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another"
So today I find out some more truth.
My addicted niece gets picked up for stealing a car and the officer thinks she is high on meth. She told the officer she was taking the car to visit her dad (he's been dead for 1.5 years), and she ordered some information to learn how to hot wire a car. He sends her to the local emergency room for a psych eval.
I call the hospital and give them all the information she is not likely to reveal (symptoms, meds, past drug, mental health and criminal history, etc.). The nurse says my addict doesn't want to see me and they are not allowed to reveal any info about her condition.
One of our conditions for her being in our house is that we are cleared to talk with her doctors. So I am angry. But, anger is good. It tells me I need to set a boundary.
So, now I'm thinking - she has proven to me repeatedly that she is not interested in our boundaries. And do I need to reinforce some of them?
Before she got arrested, she had my sister text me to say she wanted to come to my house, shower, not hear any "negativity" (translation: truth or requirements), eat a meal, take a bicycle and be on her way. That did not sound good to me so I texted to my sister - tell her that she is welcome back when she 100% embraces the 10 rules we set up and that she would need to contact me directly to let me know she's ready for that. (10 rules were - get help, sign to let us talk to her doctors, no drugs or weird friends over, etc.).--that's when she left her friends house to steal the car.
Which leads me to the refined boundary I'm thinking about.
I really don't even want to keep saying "if you embrace the rules you can come back" - now I am at - You cannot come back - if you want a ride to treatment or a shelter, I'll call the local mobile psych unit to come pick you up. I want to block her phone and her text and have nothing to do with her - I am exhausted.
So - is that "cutting her off"? Where is the line?
FYI - I also contacted her doctors and gave them the full scoop to see if they'd hold her - and started a petition for civil commitment - but the professionals warn me that success in that area is not likely.
So - I would love to hear others' ideas about what the difference is between letting go and cutting off.
Thanks - and here is the full poem...
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Remember: The time to love is short.
(author unknown)
So today I find out some more truth.
My addicted niece gets picked up for stealing a car and the officer thinks she is high on meth. She told the officer she was taking the car to visit her dad (he's been dead for 1.5 years), and she ordered some information to learn how to hot wire a car. He sends her to the local emergency room for a psych eval.
I call the hospital and give them all the information she is not likely to reveal (symptoms, meds, past drug, mental health and criminal history, etc.). The nurse says my addict doesn't want to see me and they are not allowed to reveal any info about her condition.
One of our conditions for her being in our house is that we are cleared to talk with her doctors. So I am angry. But, anger is good. It tells me I need to set a boundary.
So, now I'm thinking - she has proven to me repeatedly that she is not interested in our boundaries. And do I need to reinforce some of them?
Before she got arrested, she had my sister text me to say she wanted to come to my house, shower, not hear any "negativity" (translation: truth or requirements), eat a meal, take a bicycle and be on her way. That did not sound good to me so I texted to my sister - tell her that she is welcome back when she 100% embraces the 10 rules we set up and that she would need to contact me directly to let me know she's ready for that. (10 rules were - get help, sign to let us talk to her doctors, no drugs or weird friends over, etc.).--that's when she left her friends house to steal the car.
Which leads me to the refined boundary I'm thinking about.
I really don't even want to keep saying "if you embrace the rules you can come back" - now I am at - You cannot come back - if you want a ride to treatment or a shelter, I'll call the local mobile psych unit to come pick you up. I want to block her phone and her text and have nothing to do with her - I am exhausted.
So - is that "cutting her off"? Where is the line?
FYI - I also contacted her doctors and gave them the full scoop to see if they'd hold her - and started a petition for civil commitment - but the professionals warn me that success in that area is not likely.
So - I would love to hear others' ideas about what the difference is between letting go and cutting off.
Thanks - and here is the full poem...
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Remember: The time to love is short.
(author unknown)
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
What you are proposing to do sounds like "letting go" to me.
But then in my mind, sometimes letting go has to lead to cutting off. I had to do it and see nothing wrong with it, as I had accepted that there was nothing left I could do to help that person.
As long as my loved continued in his addiction and refused help, I had to let go and keep him out of my life for my own well-being and sanity.
But then in my mind, sometimes letting go has to lead to cutting off. I had to do it and see nothing wrong with it, as I had accepted that there was nothing left I could do to help that person.
As long as my loved continued in his addiction and refused help, I had to let go and keep him out of my life for my own well-being and sanity.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The first line of that poem says it all. The other lines explain it.
Letting Go is much like Step 1 in the 12-Step program for Codependents..."We admit that we are powerless over others and that our lives have become unmanageable".
We can't out think them, out smart them, rules cannot make them obey, nothing we do or don't do, say or don't say can make them change if they don't plan on changing. If love could save them, not one of us would be here.
You have been doing very well. Do what you know in your heart is right for YOU. Protect your home from becoming a war zone. She has other options...detox, rehab, mental health assessment by professionals. Maybe when her option become limited to these, she will decide to finally make that move to reach out for help....or maybe not....but whatever she chooses is hers to own, you have given her as much help as is possible.
I keep her in my prayers, that she gets the help she really needs soon.
Hugs
Letting Go is much like Step 1 in the 12-Step program for Codependents..."We admit that we are powerless over others and that our lives have become unmanageable".
We can't out think them, out smart them, rules cannot make them obey, nothing we do or don't do, say or don't say can make them change if they don't plan on changing. If love could save them, not one of us would be here.
You have been doing very well. Do what you know in your heart is right for YOU. Protect your home from becoming a war zone. She has other options...detox, rehab, mental health assessment by professionals. Maybe when her option become limited to these, she will decide to finally make that move to reach out for help....or maybe not....but whatever she chooses is hers to own, you have given her as much help as is possible.
I keep her in my prayers, that she gets the help she really needs soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
That is a lovely poem, and full of wisdom.
To me, cutting off is a negative phrase for the person who has been helping, as it implies that the person being helped could rise if given the opportunity, and the person cutting them off is denying him/her that.
Which is not the case at all.
You have done what you could for your niece, and nothing has changed for her.
It’s time to let go, for your health, sanity, and serenity.
Letting go is hard. Sometimes it’s the only path left.
Good luck.
To me, cutting off is a negative phrase for the person who has been helping, as it implies that the person being helped could rise if given the opportunity, and the person cutting them off is denying him/her that.
Which is not the case at all.
You have done what you could for your niece, and nothing has changed for her.
It’s time to let go, for your health, sanity, and serenity.
Letting go is hard. Sometimes it’s the only path left.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Thank you everyone for your support.
Ann - thanks especially for the insight into that poem.
And - the idea about outsmarting them. I think when my boundaries are just my boundaries - that's not cutting off, that's letting go.
I think if my boundaries are somehow a subtle means to manipulate my niece to force her into rehab - than I think that is "cutting off" - no longer a simple boundary to take care of myself. when I think I might get her to do something by lets say blocking her texts - then that's manipulation and that's "cutting off" - so it sounds like the best thing to do is check my motivation.
I will be praying about this so that if I decide I need to stop contact, it is simply for my health and not a "punishment" towards her or a means to force something.
Thanks everyone for prompting me to think a little more deeply about this..
so wonderful to have this forum to get answer!
Ann - thanks especially for the insight into that poem.
And - the idea about outsmarting them. I think when my boundaries are just my boundaries - that's not cutting off, that's letting go.
I think if my boundaries are somehow a subtle means to manipulate my niece to force her into rehab - than I think that is "cutting off" - no longer a simple boundary to take care of myself. when I think I might get her to do something by lets say blocking her texts - then that's manipulation and that's "cutting off" - so it sounds like the best thing to do is check my motivation.
I will be praying about this so that if I decide I need to stop contact, it is simply for my health and not a "punishment" towards her or a means to force something.
Thanks everyone for prompting me to think a little more deeply about this..
so wonderful to have this forum to get answer!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors!!!!
Your niece has handed you the scissors, its’ time to cut her off. Self-preservation on your part while she either gets her act together or she doesn’t.
Letting go is you taking your hands off of HER ADDICTION.
The cutting her off does not have to be life long, should she get her act together and pull some real sober/clean time together, say a year or more you can always re-visit letter her back into your life.
Your niece has handed you the scissors, its’ time to cut her off. Self-preservation on your part while she either gets her act together or she doesn’t.
Letting go is you taking your hands off of HER ADDICTION.
The cutting her off does not have to be life long, should she get her act together and pull some real sober/clean time together, say a year or more you can always re-visit letter her back into your life.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'd say it's pretty obvious she doesn't respect ANY boundaries, not just yours. it isn't personal. she simply does not believe that the rules apply to her. she does what she wants when she wants as she wants. she steals, she lies, she manipulates, she uses - without remorse.
there's a reason why people don't keep wolverines as house pets.
or use zebras for pony rides.
the guy who lived with the grizzlies seemed to have bonded with them, until they went all grizzly and killed him.
your niece has no desire to be domesticated. or to abide within societal rules. your house should not be a rehabilitation facility. your rules aren't going to change her.
there's a reason why people don't keep wolverines as house pets.
or use zebras for pony rides.
the guy who lived with the grizzlies seemed to have bonded with them, until they went all grizzly and killed him.
your niece has no desire to be domesticated. or to abide within societal rules. your house should not be a rehabilitation facility. your rules aren't going to change her.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
She is out of control. You are not cutting her off, you are there for her with stipulations. If she does not like those, then she is making that choice herself.
She wanted to come, use you, and use your property, without you speaking to her about anything. Now she does not want to see you. I would say she is the one who cut you off.
She has choices, and this is it right now.
I fully support you letting go, turning her over to God. It does not mean you love her any less. It's the classic example of the three C's: You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. An addict will take you down the rabbit hole with them if allowed.
She wanted to come, use you, and use your property, without you speaking to her about anything. Now she does not want to see you. I would say she is the one who cut you off.
She has choices, and this is it right now.
I fully support you letting go, turning her over to God. It does not mean you love her any less. It's the classic example of the three C's: You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. An addict will take you down the rabbit hole with them if allowed.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I had people in my life that are now cut off. Nothing they could ever say or do, nothing they changed about themselves, nothing they apologized for, would have me allow them back in my life. At least nothing I can imagine ...(never say never I guess). The things they did to me were too egregious and they are cut off, severed from my life forever. I am healthier and safer for these cut offs.
I have people I have let go... I didn't want to be dragged. If they circle back, under the right circumstances, they will be welcomed back into my life. Maybe in a different capacity, a different type of relationship...but with mutual love and respect, it would be possible.
Thanks for this thread. Interesting to read other's thoughts on it.
I have people I have let go... I didn't want to be dragged. If they circle back, under the right circumstances, they will be welcomed back into my life. Maybe in a different capacity, a different type of relationship...but with mutual love and respect, it would be possible.
Thanks for this thread. Interesting to read other's thoughts on it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Thanks to everyone! so helpful!
Update - she is in observation for 72 hours and I started proceedings for a civil commitment, which the attending nurse says she thinks has a decent chance of going through.
If not, it's rehab, a shelter or the streets.
I loved what AnvilheadII said - my house is not a rehab center.
Thanks everyone for your insight and support!
Update - she is in observation for 72 hours and I started proceedings for a civil commitment, which the attending nurse says she thinks has a decent chance of going through.
If not, it's rehab, a shelter or the streets.
I loved what AnvilheadII said - my house is not a rehab center.
Thanks everyone for your insight and support!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
My daughter is currently in the pysch ward 7th time in a year. She has finally agreed to go to a rehab. I had the battle of letting go. Everytime I would cut of contact she would get in to major trouble and I would end up trying to get her help. I have had her committed twice and arrested. Nothing seemed to help.
I'm hoping something is differrnt this time. She may not be different but I am. I have taken steps to prevent her from coming back to my home.I can't do this any more.
I'm hoping something is differrnt this time. She may not be different but I am. I have taken steps to prevent her from coming back to my home.I can't do this any more.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Troubledone
Ive been reading your posts. Im very sorry for this situation with your niece.
The way I see it - your Niece cut herself off because she chose not to respect your boundaries or follow fairly simple rules. This was her choice not yours.
Your Niece is an adult & she obviously has major problems. I think you need to let go for your own sanity. This isn't going to stop until your niece decides she wants a different life.
My own story is a crazy mess. I tried everything to help her. I provided everything needed for a stable life.
In the end she cut herself off. It was her choice not mine. Due solely to her crazy choices in life, she forfeited absolutely everything I provided.
In the end I had to let go of her for my own sanity. I did not want to do it - but I had no other choice.
I wish you the best.
Ive been reading your posts. Im very sorry for this situation with your niece.
The way I see it - your Niece cut herself off because she chose not to respect your boundaries or follow fairly simple rules. This was her choice not yours.
Your Niece is an adult & she obviously has major problems. I think you need to let go for your own sanity. This isn't going to stop until your niece decides she wants a different life.
My own story is a crazy mess. I tried everything to help her. I provided everything needed for a stable life.
In the end she cut herself off. It was her choice not mine. Due solely to her crazy choices in life, she forfeited absolutely everything I provided.
In the end I had to let go of her for my own sanity. I did not want to do it - but I had no other choice.
I wish you the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Walkedon and Hardlessons - thank you SO MUCH for your posts.
Tomorrow I find out if they will commit her - but I can see that there is no guarantee that is a "fix" for her problems.
I agree - she cannot come back here - she is dangerous to herself and others. A police officer who came by to take a statement from me said "If you can't keep yourself save, you can't keep her safe" - how true!
So - I am taking this one step at a time. Whether they keep her or not, whether she goes to the psych ward, treatment, a shelter, the streets or a "friend's" house - I do know that I cannot have her here.
Thanks everyone for your wise and insightful input.
Tomorrow I find out if they will commit her - but I can see that there is no guarantee that is a "fix" for her problems.
I agree - she cannot come back here - she is dangerous to herself and others. A police officer who came by to take a statement from me said "If you can't keep yourself save, you can't keep her safe" - how true!
So - I am taking this one step at a time. Whether they keep her or not, whether she goes to the psych ward, treatment, a shelter, the streets or a "friend's" house - I do know that I cannot have her here.
Thanks everyone for your wise and insightful input.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
To me, letting go = detachment = setting/enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself.
"I will not allow active addicts in my home"
"I will not be disrespected."
It's the step after the all of the "rules" & "playing warden" plans don't work out.
After that comes "no contact" - save yourself; which, if you're ready for it, shouldn't require any explanation.
"I will not allow active addicts in my home"
"I will not be disrespected."
It's the step after the all of the "rules" & "playing warden" plans don't work out.
After that comes "no contact" - save yourself; which, if you're ready for it, shouldn't require any explanation.
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