Makeright

It's a funny thing. I spent 18 months with an unmanageable life drinking most days. Now I've been doing moderation quite well for 9 months but feel more like I would prefer to stop or cut down even further. Anyone else find this has happened? It's like I feel I never reached even half of my potential at work and in my relationship with myself and I wonder if totally quitting woukd change this.

biminiblue

I could drink moderately most of the time, until I didn't. The times that I didn't were unpredictable and becoming more frequent...but even up until the very end of my drinking I could still (most of the time) have two and stop. Three was the tipping point where all the stops came off. However it was every day one or two - and then sprinkled in with the, "Drink 12, get super drunk, pass out, be sick." Not worth it to me.

I think you would find complete abstinence easier and way better, but of course only you can make that call.

Dee74

I never was able to slow my alcoholic roll much less throw it in reverse.

I completely agree with Bim tho - abstinence is a million times easier than moderation.

Welcome makeright

D

boreas

I have backed into some very good decisions in life. For me, the time spent thinking about not being able to drink the way I preferred would make moderation a miserable experience. One or two drinks isn’t going to give me what I want, even though it fits within society’s definition of “acceptable”.

With drinking off the table, I have found the type of personal growth you mention much easier and more rewarding. I burned a lot of hours in a bottle. What a waste.
-bora

NerfThis

Agree with bimini and Dee. I have plenty of occasions where I moderate. I don't even put effort in to moderate, I simply drink one or two drinks by choice, not because I'm desperately trying not to reach for the third. Other times I drink myself stupid, then do the same for the following two days.

I simply cannot have those latter occasions in my life any more, so abstaining entirely is my only choice.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!
We don't get too many members here who could successfully moderate. I imagine those who can moderate don't often find their way to an abstinence-based online community. They just moderate and get on with their lives in other ways.

Why don't you give complete abstinence a 9-month shot and tell us how it feels?

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Gerard52

Makeright, I can moderate in social circumstances. The problem is solo drinking and once on that merry go round, I drink far too much and it takes quite an effort to step off it.

What does your moderation look like?

Makeright

Yes! Thats what I'm thinking. Complete abstinence, 9 months or a year and see what it's like and where my life is after that.

Makeright

So nowadays we share a bottle of wine 3 days a week. One or 2 days a week we may open another one. Then if there is a party on a weekend it may be even more but that doesn't happen a lot. On the nights we open the second bottle i don't feel Im at 100 % productivity the next day. If we do a big weekend night I feel depressed the next day.

Makeright

And I'm thinking why not stop when my life is positive? Surely that is easier than if I am having to face the mess I was busy creating a year ago.

CRRHCC

Addictions always serve an emotional purpose. That purpose is to regain control over our helpless feelings, feeling trapped and out of control. When we understand our emotions we can better understand how to make our emotions work for us and not against us. This is called Emotional IQ. I spent 44 years getting wasted every weekend. Now I drink moderately. I stop after a glass of wine or two because I start to feel tipsy and no longer like that feeling. For 44 years prior I loved that feeling, this feeling was my purpose in life!! I use to regain control of my feelings with drugs and alcohol; now I regain control of my emotions with empowering, healthy direct behaviors that honor God. Anyone can do this when their personal values trump their addiction. Is complete abstinence better? Probably, but not necessary. If you can't control your emotions abstinence is necessary. "No man is truly free until the master themselves." Epictetus
"A fool vents all their feelings, but a wise person holds them in check." Proverbs 29:11

Andante

Development of a higher Emotional IQ helped me to live a better life sober but did absolutely nothing to "cure" my addiction, which had a physiological component that was irreversible. I think if you read around this site a bit, you'll find I wasn't alone.

Especially on this site, which is devoted to total abstinence, the implication that only people with inferior emotional control ever need to consider complete abstinence is a bit inflammatory and condescending, don't you think?

CRRHCC

Good point, but I did not mean it to be inflammatory but more to understanding one's emotions and the role they play in addiction.
Specifically, addicts tend to attempt to empower themselves, escape the trap of their emotional feelings with a quick fix or mood changer of drugs. This does not have to be this way once we realize what we are doing. We can escape the trap and empower ourselves (regain control) in more healthy ways.

August252015

This is still actually a greater amount of drinking compared to recommended standards and what might be considered true moderation especially if done in one session like with the two bottle nights, if I am reading you correctly- and the qualifiers you put out like "does not happen a lot" are true (and what is a lot to you?)

Assuming two of you that's 2.5 correct pours in a bottle of five glasses(most restaurants will use this, though some pour so there are four glasses in a bottle). So three nights is 7.5 drinks min. If you double that, say three nights a week, you're adding 7.5 to a weekly total of roughly 15..Then the "big" weekends.

I'm saying all this because us alcoholics are brilliant at justifying and defining consumption as we want it to be.

What's the likelihood this level of drinking will ramp up even gradually...versus down if you try to keep drinking some without quitting for real? You have to decide. The magic line of permanent moderation doesn't work for many who have tried.

You've mentioned things like not feeling your best the day after the larger consumption- most of us saw this get worse and ever worse b cause we couldn't moderate or go back, as well as because long term drinking changed our bodies over time.

Best to you for making choices that support the best life you can have, whether you choose to drink or not.

gettingsmarter

Being hungover or even slightly hungover just one day a week adds up to almost 2 months months a year. That is a lot of time not be your best self. Not feeling crappy for 2 months a year will improve your quality of life, I promise.

VigilanceNow

I so agree with all of the above regarding moderation vs abstinence. There was a long time that I did not and could not conceive of total abstinence as an option; it seemed too big a burden given my lifestyle and the people I spent time with. When I stepped away, however, and really reflected on the drinking experiences as objectively as I could, drinking in moderation made me miserable, angry, and anxious.

I wish I had recognized it as true a long time ago: one is too many, and a thousand is never enough. For me, one drink flips the switch. If I'm in a situation where I cannot or should not drink until I pass out, I'm mentally obsessing about how to get more and/or when I can get away and fulfill my insatiable desire to drink. Even when out at parties, having a wonderful time with friends whom I love, as soon as I start drinking, that is all the event is about. It's no longer about friends spending time together, sharing experiences, helping each other out; it's about me scheming for more. It's a mental prison.

Not allowing alcohol as an option was difficult, and still is difficult for me. But it gives me boundaries that I don't try to bend, whereas for me moderation leaves far too much to negotiate. "Oh, I said just one... but hey, yeah why not one more?" It's a dangerous game!

nez

I was damn good at my work when I was drinking. A few years of sobriety showed me how far off of my potential "damn good" was. Night and day difference. I really grew in my skills in sobriety. My relationship with myself flowered as well. I am finally comfortable and confident in my own skin. Side benefit as a result...my relationships with people have become better as well.

I have no reason to drink, so no need to control or moderate it.

CRRHCC

Consider this:

Ask anyone who drinks in moderation or does not drink at all:
Why do you stop? They will always tell you something to the effect that they don't like the way they feel at a certain point, in essence they start to feel out of control and stop.

Alcoholics feel just the opposite! They regain control of how they feel emotionally or want to feel with a quick fix or mood changer of liquor. Let's face it you don't get addicted to a substance that have not learned does something for you.

These two vary different thinkers have at their core the same common denominator, the need to empower themselves and regain control of their circumstances in life that are overwhelming.

While over simplifying, the antidote is to learn to regain control of one's emotions with empowering direct healthy behavior and not displaced behaviors such as getting drunk.

In order to understand addiction, one needs to understand human psychology. What we think and what we feel, are distinct drivers of our behavior. Epictetus ​noted some 2000 years ago that “it isn’t our circumstances, but our view of them, which creates our miseries." ​Victor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, notes in his book, "Mans Search for Meaning," if you have any freedom, it is the freedom to choose how you think and react.

CRRHCC

In Jordan Peterson's best-selling book "12 Rules for Life," he tells men to "stand up straight with your shoulders back" and "accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open." He warns against getting stuck in the "unconscious paradise of childhood," and as the stern moralist tells them, to learn from Old Testament stories, beginning with Moses and those famous original 10 rules.

There is no doubt in my mind that life's greatest challenge and ultimate high is dealing with life sober.

bunnezjp

If you can moderate it then you can ghost it out completely.

~Bunnez