Awal

Hi, I have been with P for 17years...the last 2 we have been married. About 7 years ago I found an empty brandy bottle in his work bag. He said he hadn't been sleeping and had been taking the odd nightcap. I didn't understand the secrecy but I accepted his explanation. A couple of years after this i went to get myself a vodka and tonic (very very rare l fancy a drink) only to find what was in the vodka bottle was actually water. He denied anything to do with it ...at this point I started to feel uneasy. Around 3 years ago I was clearing out the shed...I found a half full bottle of vodka hidden on a top shelf under some car mats. He said he had put it there out of the way as if it was in the house he would drink it. At this point I said I was fine with him having a drink but there was no need for secrecy.

So...last week l went to get a glass from the cupboard...right at the back, hidden behind all the other glasses was a glass half filled with what looked like water...yes you have guessed! I went mad at him...and eventually he admitted he had hidden the bottle until just a small about was left and he poured this in The glass and threw the bottle away in a public bin a mile away! His excuse? He couldn't sleep as he was worrying about his daughter who is estranged right now.

He also admitted doing the same thing about 5 weeks ago. I don't know what to believe any more. His daughter is a sore point in our life as she has brought so many problems our way over the years hence why he and she don't speak right now. Is she an excuse? A scapegoat? A smoke screen for the drinking...a reason for the drinking?

least

There's no point in trying to know why he drinks. It's frustrating to deal with it. Can you have a talk with him and let him know your concerns?

suki44883

Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. No one or nothing causes them to drink. If he is secretive about it, it's probably because he doesn't want to deal with the arguments that will ensue.

Maudcat

Hi, Awal.
Welcome.
Well, he’s definitely drinking and definitely hiding it.
Which may mean he is drinking far more than you are finding.
No way to know what the situation unless you and he have a conversation or two?
Good luck.

Anna

For alcoholics, there is always a reason to drink, until you make the decision to stop. I hope your husband decides to stop drinking.

It might help if you both talked about the issue when you are calm. Your husband may not want to stop drinking, in which case there is little you can do. You may find AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

wynwrights

His daughter and the issues he has with her are very likely a red herring in terms of your husband’s drinking. Look at it this way: do you drink habitually, reflexively and to excess when one of life’s routine problems presents itself? No? Thought so. For an alcoholic — and I am an alcoholic myself, although now sober — anything and everything can be used as an excuse to drink. In fact, based on my own experience and that of many others, I’d go so far as to say that alcoholics like and invite drama into their lives precisely so they can drink.

Now, in terms of what you do about all of this: I honestly am in no position to offer advice (people in glasshouses and all...) What I would say to you is this though: you’re neither responsible for his drinking nor responsible for making him stop.

My very best to you.

lessgravity

I read this and had chills and the sadness, both bc I don't have much good advice for you and bc I see myself in those actions. I was you're hiding, lying, drunk husband. I acted that way for so many years, water in a vodka bottle is something that gives me anxiety just to think about even now. I hate to say it, though I'm sure you know in your bones, there's so much other lying about his drinking that you just don't know. I don't have good advice for you, so I wish I did. There's there are many here we'll have good advice for you. I'm sorry that you're going to have to deal with this, but many ways you should get clarity as soon as possible. There's no excuse, or Reason for a drunk to be a drunk. We all could point to family, tragedy, genetics, life, it doesn't matter. He's lying and hiding his booze from you. And you only know the tip of the iceberg, because that's all that you've caught him doing. I say this with No Malice at all, and I hope it doesn't come across harsh. I just feel very badly, for I did this to my wife and many of my family for so many years. Sending you peace and strength. Welcome to the website.

Gerard52

Awal, from your description you are finding hidden bottles over a number of years. You don't mention any direct problems with his drinking or seeing or smelling him drunk? Definitely odd hiding alcohol and you need to find out reason.

Awal

"Tip of the iceberg"...a sentence that entered my head today! I'm upset at what I DO know so how would I feel if i knew everything? I feel lost...alone...scared...insecure. Because I haven't a clue what I'm dealing with. There has been no intimacy for 10+ years, he couldn't give me a reason why (but I guess I know why now). I have been so completely gullible. There have been only a handful of times i have "thought" I have smelled alcohol on him but I've never been sure.

I feel like the man i married has a side to him in not included in...a side that makes him a stranger to me.

I just need to catch him out one more time...Because now he has made me a promise to always be honest...finding another secret will confirm a serious problem and he cannot excuse his way out of it!

Anna

Ah, but he will excuse his way out of it. I know this, because I was the person making the excuses. You already know what you know. This is the time for you to set a boundary that will protect yourself.

Buckley3

I think there's a forum around here for loved ones of addicts/ alcoholics - if you haven't already found it. I'm sure you'll good stuff on this site from peeps with a ton more experience in this than me.

One thought I had though is that it's important to set very clear boundaries for yourself on what is acceptable and what isn't. As someone pointed out earlier - understanding why someone drinks is a few notches down from the fact they are drinking and shouldn't. I can see how understanding why someone drinks may be helpful or interesting in recovery... but in an active drinking situation is pointless. The most immediate and important thing for a problem drinker/ alcoholic is to not drink.

For yourself and your own self-dignity, you deserve to set and communicate clear boundaries on what you will accept in your life and what you won't.

Best to you-

B

Awal

Thank you to you all for showing concern for me, someone you don't even know. After i went to bed last night I heard a chunk of a glass downstairs...so I came down to find him with a glass of orange juice. I asked what he had in it...He held the glass up to me and said taste it...I called his bluff and it just tasted like ordinary orange juice! ( although I reminded him orange juice can 'mask' other flavours pretty effectively ). I suggested he goes to the doctor and take a liver function test and show me the results if he is so sure he doesn't have a long term drink issue. He said if that is what's required he will do it. I'm just waiting for him to find a reason to back out now...

Gerard52

Not really, alcohol is quite noticeable. Do you not smell on his breath? If someone is drinking it is impossible not to.

trailmix

Not everyone has a great sense of smell for alcohol - I generally can't smell it on people.

trailmix

Hi Awal and welcome, sorry for what brings you though. Lots of great advice so far.

You might want to check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here at SR:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There are tons of threads to read there that you might be able to relate to and a lot of wisdom as well. There is also a great "stickies" section at the top, you might want to start here with those:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

First things first! The three Cs are often talked about here. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. It's important to know that. If your Husband does indeed have a problem with alcohol, it is up to him to conquer that when he chooses to do so. The fact that he is hiding alcohol is a big red flag.

As for the excuses, even if you find another bottle, the excuse could be oh that was an old one. Liver function? If you read around the forums here you will see that many alcoholics can drink copious amounts of alcohol over many years and their liver function tests can come back normal or almost normal, it proves nothing.

It goes back to that control issue anyway, you can't force him to be honest, you can't force him to stop drinking, you really can't control another person.

Anyway, I really hope you will continue to post and to visit the friends and family forum as well.

lessgravity

I feel for you here. Again it's funny, or not funny at all I suppose, to read what you're going through and to reflect back on what I put my loved ones through in my life. Assuming that he's going to quit alcohol, he's going to earn back your trust. I'm still working on that as I write this today. But I think from what you've written that your husband has no plans to quit drinking permanently. I'm afraid it just sounds like you're getting sucked into the game of his lying and deceitful alcoholism. It's not up to you to perform an alcohol test and every drink that you hear him make in the middle of the night or his coffee in the morning what a wonder if he's had something to drink when he comes back from wherever he's been without you. If he's lied and the way that he's lied to you for so many years, and I speak from experience, there's just so much drinking that you don't know about. And alcohol test on his liver? I understand you wanting proof and wanting to do something about it. But I'm not so sure outside of permanent abstinence and his part that this is going to be anything but a painful cycle for you.

Anna

Awal, I will say this with concern and caring for you. It sounds like you believe, if you are vigilant enough, your husband will stop drinking. This is very unlikely. Stopping drinking will have to be something he decides to do for himself.

This is our Friends & Families Forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Awal

So what do I do? Take a step back? Ignore his 'antics'? Focus on myself? Try to stop caring even? Give up on ever having the life we should be having? Is that really all i can do? 😢

Awal

[QUOTE=Anna;6984564]Ah, but he will excuse his way out of it. I know this, because I was the person making the excuses. You already know what you know. This is the time for you to set a boundary that will protect yourself.[/QUOTE
What do you mean? What kind of boundary?

DontRemember

[QUOTE=Awal;6985425] Boundary(ies) about what you are willing to accept/put up with in YOUR life. I was going to ask you how long you plan on 'playing booze detective' and at what point will be 'enough',but didn't want to be too harsh. It's really a pointless act to try and montitor his drinking/intake. It's even more pointless to expect if you "call him out" on his drinking that anything will change..except for the levels he goes into hiding it from you. We are ALL our own people and we make our decisions based off of our own 'wants/needs'..Whereas, his current 'wants/needs' are to drink and keep it from you, your wants/needs,at the moment, are to catch him lying about it. That's not your place..at the very least it's not a healthy mindset for you to place yourself into. Check out the F&F section..lots of great advice and experience there too.