matrac

I meant ill....
We get by for a year or two at a time, and just when we become hopeful that we have found what is most helpful and what can keep him stable enough to finish his education and find joy in his life, it seems he has a breakdown. It comes from seeming out of nowhere and it gets so bad. He’s been hospitalized many times. Other times, he’s needed to be hospitalized and we didn’t because it just doesn’t seem to help and it’s always traumatic for him. He gets doped up and discharged. He’s been in therapy for years, had many doctors evaluate him.

He becomes violent and it’s pretty scary at times. What can I say? I am trembling inside and I would love a drink. I know I need to keep my wits about me though because things can easily go the wrong way. Hoping we get through this quickly. I give anything in my life for him to be well.

Gilmer

I'm so sorry, Matrac.

(on an unrelated note, I love the Pomeranian in your avatar!)

Anna

I'm sorry that you and your family are dealing with this ongoing issue of your son's mental illness. It sounds very difficult, and I hope he gets through this episode quickly too. Of course, staying sober will help you deal with what needs to be done.

least

I'm sorry for your situation. What kind of support do you have for yourself? I would think you'd need some.

matrac

Least,
I have my husband and my sisters as my support. There’s quite a stigma associated with mental illness....we experienced that all through his childhood. I guess I didn’t deal with it very well. Sometimes my supports got tired of hearing it. I tried with alcohol to drown out the guilt and helplessness and sadness that I still feel when he’s ill. I spent so much time getting him help that I didn’t have time for myself. I have a daughter too (thank goodness she is fine)

All the drinking really ever did was temporarily dull my reality. I know that especially now, but wow when it’s scary, I could use some calming. I’ll have to figure that out rather quickly.

matrac

Thanks Glimer, her name is Timber. She’s half Pom and half American Eskimo. She was all grey as a pup and so we named her Timber (as in wolf), and then her coat turned sable. She’s a great dog....very sweet and smart. Worst is the shedding

Dee74

Prayers and best wishes for you and your family matrac.

I amended your thread title too

D

Maudcat

Sorry, matrac.
It’s a heartbreaker.

PhoenixJ

prayers

maia1234

M,
Have you looked into alanon at all or the friends and family forum on SR? It sounds like you could use some help detaching from him. Both of these groups are a great resource when you are powerless over a loved, and are watching them self destruct. It saved my life after living with my addict for 34 years.

Sending strength and support to you at this difficult time.

matrac

Maia,
Thanks for your suggestion. However, I am the newly sober one. My son is mentally ill, but he is not addicted.

Fearlessat50

Hi Matrac, I am sorry what you are going through. My 11 year old son is mentally ill too. Like you, long story with assessment after assessment, therapists, diagnoses all over the map. He’s on medication for two years now which we’ve had to increase because of his increased weight. He’s a lot better now, really a different person. But I am so flippin worried about his future and teenage years. Like you, I drowned out all the stress and anxiety and not feeling in control with alcohol. It’s such a long story which I’ll save for another post. I wanted you to know that I can relate to what you are feeling. In therapy I learned that one of my issues is codependency, which stems from my childhood which I’ll also save for another time. But the therapy really helped me to get a handle on this. However, it’s not too difficult right now because things are relatively calm. I am still working on developing all my resources and coping skills for when things change again, which I know they will because nothing ever stays the same. I just keep reminding myself that drinking will only make things worse. And now that I developed the disease of alcoholism, I really can never go back because I realize that this poison kills people, even those who least suspect. It’s so scary. I also know that i can’t comtrol my son or anyone else. All i can do is control my own actions and be a role model for my son and be as responsible and healthy as possible. I hope your son is gets back to leveling out again soon, and you can get some support for yourself too.

Aliceiw

Hiya, Matrac. I noticed in your second post that you said you have guilt. Please don't. You're far from being alone in this situation, as Fearless pointed out. I hate it that there's a stigma attached to mental illness.

I can relate to the challenges of being a caregiver. I cared for a parent with Alzheimer's and one with multiple, multiple problems. Both were active alcoholics. (Once, I went to check on my dad, and found him sitting with a martini in his hand and one on the table next to him. As I walked through the house, I found multiple un-touched martinis -- in his office, in the kitchen, on the dining room table, etc. He was making them, forgetting he'd made them, and making more.) Like you, I felt guilty. I was a working mom with two young children at the time, and the challenge of trying to juggle all of the responsibilities and keep everyone safe was very hard. Unlike you, I did often drink at night after everything that needed to be done was done. Not only didn't it help anything, but it made me even more deprssed, exhausted and, sometimes, irritable and impatient, which of course led to more guilt. Aiyaiyai. Vicious cycle. Please don't do that to yourself.

Instead, if at all possible, do try to find a support group and make time to take good care of yourself. You're important -- not only to your son, but to your entire family. I wish you well and hope that you'll soon find a protocol that works for your dear son and that makes your own good world more peaceful and less stressful.

Fearlessat50

I also wanted to add that there are several online support groups and blogs dealing with raising kids with mental illness also, if you look around. Maybe you’ve found some already? It’s been a while since I’ve been to one since things have calmed down with son and I’m working on myself now. I have mom friends with special needs children who find a lot of suppport and connection in a common experience with online. One even goes to a face to face meeting group in her community.

matrac

Fearless and Alice,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support.

My son is 19. He’s had challenges all throughout his school years. It was so hard and I remember days when no one had answers (doctors, therapists, teachers, family members, clergy) and when I had been at the school for the 2nd or 3rd time in one day and finally asked to take him home....that was the loneliest and scariest time as a parent ever.. That’s when my drinking started to become a problem. Once he got to middle school and then high school, my drinking got me through the day (or so I thought).

Maybe a note of encouragement for you....I worried (still do) about my son’s future, but he has surprised me many times. He has had successes. I never thought he’d even drive a car. He finished his first year of college last May, he drives, and he has a summer job (3rd summer with a job). Best of all he’s a very genuine and kind hearted person.

It’s just that when he’s unstable, it all just stops. He’s so miserable and angry and it’s just scary. It wouldn’t take much for a disasterous outcome. There’s been a lot of trauma for all of us. I’m not sure my drinking made things worse for him, but it never helped anything either. Once I would sober up, reality was still there and I was hung over too.

Can’t blame my drinking all on my son’s problems. I drank in good times too. Important to realize that. Anyway, glad to be sober even in these tough times.

Looking forward to better days and to giving back the support I have been given.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart