dawnrising

So I go to mediation in the coming week. I have been told conflicting things about mediation, so I am curious about those who have been through it. I have been told by someone associated with my case but not my attorney - "You go in there, tell them what you want and if they can't make that happen go to trial, thats it." I have been told by others that this is just the first step in another long process. Any knowledge and prayers would be much appreciated.

AnvilheadII

the process isn't formulaic.....mediation depends upon how the two parties conduct themselves and their agendas. mediation is about seeking compromise....but if one party isn't willing to compromise, there won't be much resolution.

stuckinfear

ask your attorney. My mediation consisted of myself, my attorney, my ex and his attorney sitting in a room all day working out a deal. Or you could have a professional mediator. Could be different for different people.

Equestrian83

I was in a different room with my lawyer and my ex was in another. And we would send different solutions back and forth until all parties agreed. The mediator was quite good. Both parties need to be willing to compromise.

Sasha1972

I went through the process twice - once it was ex and me in the room with a mediator, once it was ex and I and our lawyers. Neither process worked because ex did not consider himself bound by the agreements we reached.

Before you go into mediation, ask your lawyer if it is binding (the outcomes produced have the same legal force as a court order or a court judgment) or non-binding (the parties are just trying to find some "common ground" or "work things out on their own"). From my experience, I would never again go into mediation which is non-binding. Lots of time and money spent to come up with a plan which one party treats as a suggestion rather than a commitment.

Also from my experience, many mediators won't work with addicts who are still using, for exactly that reason - addicts will say whatever they think other people want to hear in the moment but will not adhere to commitments that they make (I had to do a lot of phoning around to find one who would agree to work with ex, and in the end that was a waste of time too). I suggest checking whether your mediator knows that your ex is an active alcoholic.

dawnrising

The mediation is court ordered with a court ordered mediator. I go tomorrow so keeping my fingers crossed.

trailmix

Good luck tomorrow dawnrising, keep us posted!

dawnrising

My attorney and I left negotiation in the middle of it, AH doesn't think the law applies to him. Uugggghhh. I will say I actually don't feel bad, I really have nothing to lose and standing up for myself was easier than expected. So we will see, we may end up in court and thats fine too.

trailmix

Sorry you had to attend the mediation disaster dawnrising - what a waste of time!

dawnrising

Yep his little unprepared tantrum cost near 10k including both lawyers

AnvilheadII

time to quit thinking he is going to be reasonable about anything. he had his chance. now.......we play hardball. go for broke, no concessions, no wiggle room, no slack. no but what if he DOES change.

dawnrising

Oh I’m not surprised, he’s always the victim has been for years. Victim of his family, victim at work, victim of life circumstances. He preaches “you are where you are because of the decisions you made” but that applies to everyone but him. The gauntlet has been thrown and $&@? Is gonna hit the fan. He still thinks he can control and manipulate the situation .....he may end up end jail by the time everything goes down. I gave him a chance to behave like an adult, what we asked for was standard and in accordance with the law. If this makes it to court there could be punitive “damages” as well. His ego is digging a nice little hole, I just don’t get it. In all other areas this is a smart man but this behavior is insane.

trailmix

Sounds controlling? Can't control some things, like how much your car insurance is this year (can only be a "victim" there) but maybe (guessing) he feels like he can control this situation.

In fact he can't, there are rules/laws, but he can still make it really difficult and maybe he finds some power in that.

It will just end up costing him money of course but maybe to him it's worth it.

I hope the rest of this process goes much more smoothly for you.

Mango212

From the first recovery center family week, of an active alcoholic/ addict:

"I know you're lying. Your lips are moving."

Mango212

How are you doing today? Plans for some super self-care?

(((hugs)))

dawnrising

spent the day with my DS making his apartment nice and went to an excellent Italian restaurant. Now my daughter and I are binge watching a show on Netflix. I will be taking a relaxing bubble bath later and doing a little packing and organizing. May not look like self care but kids, hot baths, and steps forward make me feel better.

Mango212

Sounds like super fabulous self care, to me.

Good forward momentum.

Mango212

Hi dawnrising. Thinking of you today.

Here's to a good week ahead.

dawnrising

Thanks for the thoughts. I am doing okay waiting for court and pretrial conference in September then most likely trial in February or March. When I have too much downtime I get preoccupied with why this is happening this way. So I’m trying not to have that much downtime otherwise I will exhaust myself looking for the logic in all of it and we know it’s not there. I have 3 weeks left with my DD so I am just soaking up all this time before she moves away.

Sasha1972

Just now seeing this thread. I'm sorry (but not surprised) to hear that mediation went bust. At least now you can check it off the list so if a judge says "why don't you work this out in mediation?" you can say "been there, done that".

Judges see people like your ex all the time. In my very limited experience, judges also don't have a lot of patience for amateurs who think they're the smartest person in the room, which I am guessing is a description that could fit your ex (the "above the law" comment sounds like "I am very special").