New and at a loss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 2
New and at a loss
I am dealing with my wife's alcoholism and starting to lose patience with the cycle of treatments and relapses. She started drinking about 5 years ago and the last 12 months have been rough with several trips to detox and a couple of trips to rehab.
The most recent trip to rehab was a waste of time as she started drinking the night she got out which has resulted in her being in detox on suicide watch. She was admitted with a BAC of 0.37.
She came out of rehab claiming she was a changed person and was going to attend AA. Those plans would last less than 12 hours after getting out. When she would attend AA she was usually drinking and would get more after the meeting. About two trips to a chapter was about the normal before she complained about the group.
She has refused to take medications prescribed to curb cravings and to make her sick if she drinks.
What does it take for someone to realize that they have hit rock bottom, destroying their family? I am at the point of saying one more trip to detox and out the door I go.
The most recent trip to rehab was a waste of time as she started drinking the night she got out which has resulted in her being in detox on suicide watch. She was admitted with a BAC of 0.37.
She came out of rehab claiming she was a changed person and was going to attend AA. Those plans would last less than 12 hours after getting out. When she would attend AA she was usually drinking and would get more after the meeting. About two trips to a chapter was about the normal before she complained about the group.
She has refused to take medications prescribed to curb cravings and to make her sick if she drinks.
What does it take for someone to realize that they have hit rock bottom, destroying their family? I am at the point of saying one more trip to detox and out the door I go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,912
I don’t have great answers just wanted to say I don’t blame you, you can’t make her stop drinking, and you may need to leave. There is also a friends and family forum where others who have alcoholic spouses and loved ones support each other, if you also want to check that out. Youl’ll surely get wise responses here too, though. Sending supportive thoughts!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
I hate to say what you already know, but she's not ready to get sober. Refusing help like meds is a clear statement of intent. 
You would be totally within reason to set boundaries with her. Just be prepared to stick to the consequences.
We have a 'friends and family of alcoholics' forum further down the index page. Give it a read. They understand your situation and might have some words of wisdom to help you.
Have you ever been to AlAnon? Might be a good place to get support for yourself.
I hate to say what you already know, but she's not ready to get sober. Refusing help like meds is a clear statement of intent. 
You would be totally within reason to set boundaries with her. Just be prepared to stick to the consequences.
We have a 'friends and family of alcoholics' forum further down the index page. Give it a read. They understand your situation and might have some words of wisdom to help you.
Have you ever been to AlAnon? Might be a good place to get support for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Wireman, sorry for your situation ultimately you must do what it is best for yourself. Your wife is very lucky to have you so far, unfortunately while she is drinking she will never realise that. All that matters to her is drink.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Sorry for what brings you here.
It's hard to discern subtlety and nuance on a text forum. You seem to say you may have to give her an ultimatum , and it 'sounds' like you say it as if it is a 'bad' thing.
It is a very unfortunate thing , that is for sure. But it's not a 'bad' thing for you , or bad that you feel you must do it. It is most likely the only course of action that will show you the things you need to know.
Is she willing to choose booze over you/family?
Will giving her an understandable and ironclad choice/ultimatum be the moment of clarity she may need to make that choice?
Her relationship with alcohol certainly sounds toxic, quite literally, and that is wholly unfortunate. She could , millions have, end that relationship if she chooses. If she instead chooses to keep boozing , I doubt the room left for other relationships will have a space you should have to occupy.
Active addiction is a ceaselessly selfish pursuit and ending it is entirely an individual matter.
The great news is that ending an addiction is entirely possible and highly probable if the individual chooses to , millions have /do.
Again, I'm very sorry for your situation and I hope she makes the choice you want.
It's hard to discern subtlety and nuance on a text forum. You seem to say you may have to give her an ultimatum , and it 'sounds' like you say it as if it is a 'bad' thing.
It is a very unfortunate thing , that is for sure. But it's not a 'bad' thing for you , or bad that you feel you must do it. It is most likely the only course of action that will show you the things you need to know.
Is she willing to choose booze over you/family?
Will giving her an understandable and ironclad choice/ultimatum be the moment of clarity she may need to make that choice?
Her relationship with alcohol certainly sounds toxic, quite literally, and that is wholly unfortunate. She could , millions have, end that relationship if she chooses. If she instead chooses to keep boozing , I doubt the room left for other relationships will have a space you should have to occupy.
Active addiction is a ceaselessly selfish pursuit and ending it is entirely an individual matter.
The great news is that ending an addiction is entirely possible and highly probable if the individual chooses to , millions have /do.
Again, I'm very sorry for your situation and I hope she makes the choice you want.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome, Wireman. I'm so sorry for the pain this has caused you. I'm a double winner - alcoholic & former wife of alcoholic. I think I would have been helped by al-anon, but I didn't know about it back then. I hope you'll feel less anxious knowing others understand and care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
As others have said, your wife will need to decide if and when she wants to recover.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to set boundaries and check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to set boundaries and check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
I don’t think my uncle, who ultimately passed away from alcoholism, ever realized he had hit rock bottom. Even when my aunt was out the door, and he was unemployed living in a trailer that he bought with his proceeds from their divorce. And he had a beautiful life before that point. Made good money (albeit from owning bars, probably one of his first problems), had an amazing wife and 2 incredible kids who are more successful than I could ever imagine being, and we have an awesome very close family. My aunt/his sister paid for him to go to rehab, and always had his back, regardless of what crap he pulled. None of that mattered to him though. All that mattered to him was his handle of vodka. I don’t have half of what he had in terms of a so-called ‘perfect life’...I know that doesn’t exist, but as far as appearances go, his was pretty darn close. So sometimes, when i see myself following in his path with the drinking, and compare my life to his, i wonder how he could do what he did to these people who cared so much about him. I don’t have a husband, i don’t have kids, let alone fantastic ones like his. So why was he ever in the same boat as me with the drinking? He had so much more to live for than I do, how did he let himself get to this point, a point that I unfortunately all too well understand? I can’t answer any of that, except that he had somehow gotten to where he had no control anymore, and he didn’t want to change. He didn’t care what my aunt, what my cousins, what my grandma, what I wanted him to do. He would never change unless he wanted to. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you won’t ever be able to make her realize she’s hit rock bottom, until SHE realizes it, and wants to do something about it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your wife, and admire you for sticking by her. I know firsthand how tough that can be. You also have to take care of yourself, too. Also keep in mind that this isn’t the real her - it’s the disease. Trust me, the uncle i grew up with was not the same uncle i saw towards the end.. Take care.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your wife, and admire you for sticking by her. I know firsthand how tough that can be. You also have to take care of yourself, too. Also keep in mind that this isn’t the real her - it’s the disease. Trust me, the uncle i grew up with was not the same uncle i saw towards the end.. Take care.
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