Gift from RABF/RAXBF
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Gift from RABF/RAXBF
Hello. I have been trying to maintain some distance from him. He has about 33 days and we were dating for almost 6 years. I’ve been trying to communicate that I want distance. We are not “together”. I have seen him and he’s repeating that he wants to get married eventually etc. I have thought about seeing other people which many of you have expressed strong feelings about.
Anyway. Today is my birthday and I took the day off work. I agreed to watch his daughter while he goes to a meeting. He gave me expensive sheets for my birthday a few days ago then today brought a ring. Not an engagement ring but looks expansive. Do I accept it or no ? I would have loved it in the past but he didn’t give me things like that back then. I’m leaning toward giving I back.
Thanks
Anyway. Today is my birthday and I took the day off work. I agreed to watch his daughter while he goes to a meeting. He gave me expensive sheets for my birthday a few days ago then today brought a ring. Not an engagement ring but looks expansive. Do I accept it or no ? I would have loved it in the past but he didn’t give me things like that back then. I’m leaning toward giving I back.
Thanks
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I agree..........give it back. Sounds like you must make a decision rather than sending mixed messages. I would tell him to contact you when he has a year of sobriety under his belt and not before. And it's a good idea to see other people.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think it would be disingenuous to keep it if you two are not on the same page about your relationship.
And gently, if you want distance, take it. Don't ask for it. And maybe lay off the babysitting in order to get it.
And gently, if you want distance, take it. Don't ask for it. And maybe lay off the babysitting in order to get it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
We are not “together”
My humble opinion, return the ring.
I don’t understand “trying to communicate, I want distance” either. Less is more, yet you continue to engage, if you are done, than be done.
I do not know your entire story, so when I say you are a single adult, if you feel you would like to casually re enter the dating scene, go for it. I personally would not be searching for any long term relationship so soon after a break up, but I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying an evening out with someone you enjoy spending time with.
He has a long road ahead of him, and there are no guarantees, you have invested 6 years, how much more of you are you willing to commit?
My humble opinion, return the ring.
I don’t understand “trying to communicate, I want distance” either. Less is more, yet you continue to engage, if you are done, than be done.
I do not know your entire story, so when I say you are a single adult, if you feel you would like to casually re enter the dating scene, go for it. I personally would not be searching for any long term relationship so soon after a break up, but I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying an evening out with someone you enjoy spending time with.
He has a long road ahead of him, and there are no guarantees, you have invested 6 years, how much more of you are you willing to commit?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
2kind4me.....unless you want to cut yourself another big slice of the misery pie...give the ring back.
You can survive without high thread count sheets and pretty rings....They don't make up for what an alcoholic who is not into genuine, life-ling recovery can do to you....
2kind4me....I think when sone people (not me) suggested that you not be dating other people, just now...were, primarily, concerned with....
1. Whether, or not, you could protect yourself from jumping, prematurely, into a rebound relationship....
2. Urging you to be clear and honest with yourself and others...including the boyfriend....of what your status really is.....
3. Trying to keep you from straddling the fence....as that puts you in an impossible situation.....
You can survive without high thread count sheets and pretty rings....They don't make up for what an alcoholic who is not into genuine, life-ling recovery can do to you....
2kind4me....I think when sone people (not me) suggested that you not be dating other people, just now...were, primarily, concerned with....
1. Whether, or not, you could protect yourself from jumping, prematurely, into a rebound relationship....
2. Urging you to be clear and honest with yourself and others...including the boyfriend....of what your status really is.....
3. Trying to keep you from straddling the fence....as that puts you in an impossible situation.....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Do I have this correct, you are not sure if you should keep the ring you have already accepted from the man you are trying to have distance from, yet you have seen him and are babysitting for his child and you want to date other people. I guess the answer to keeping that ring lies in what kind of person you are and what kind of morals and values you have for yourself.
If you haven’t been clear on your boundaries for distance and keep giving him mixed signals words vs actions then you can’t blame him for disrespecting boundaries you are unwilling to respect yourself.
You have to learn the difference between working on a healthy relationship and wasting your time on a long goodbye. It appears to me that you are wasting your time on a long goodbye.
If you haven’t been clear on your boundaries for distance and keep giving him mixed signals words vs actions then you can’t blame him for disrespecting boundaries you are unwilling to respect yourself.
You have to learn the difference between working on a healthy relationship and wasting your time on a long goodbye. It appears to me that you are wasting your time on a long goodbye.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'd give the ring and bedding back. Tell him you are going to start seeing other people. I only suggested being honest with everyone,including yourself if you think you're ready to start dating again. Also..you'll need to stop with the babysitting too. Just be honest with him and end it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
I have no problem giving him the ring back. And the sheets. I understand the thing about straddling the fence and agree. I think I know what side I’m on. I have been avoiding cutting him off I guess. His pushing is just so ... effective I guess. I recognize that the gifts are just taking it up a notch. I know he can’t be the one - at least not right now. Anyway. There’s a lot more I can say but it doesn’t matter compared to what I do. I get that Too.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only give my two cents. Give it back. And stop watching his daughter. That sounds mean, but the more you are involved in his life the more he will not get himself together. He needs a support system that is not you.
Big hugs. Again, just my two cents.
Big hugs. Again, just my two cents.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I’ve been trying to communicate that I want distance
no you really haven't. you are still seeing him, still talking to him, still accepting gifts from him, still watching his child. you are about as INvolved as you can get. you are sending garbled messages.....totally playing the Come Here, Go Away game.....Chase Me!
you need to fish or cut bait. make a decision. then stick to it.
no you really haven't. you are still seeing him, still talking to him, still accepting gifts from him, still watching his child. you are about as INvolved as you can get. you are sending garbled messages.....totally playing the Come Here, Go Away game.....Chase Me!
you need to fish or cut bait. make a decision. then stick to it.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Thank you Dandylion. That all makes a lot of sense and I have been thinking about it all non-stop. My outcomes are not that great but I swear I’m working. It’s a weird place when my instincts to be kind and supportive are wrong. I’m rewiring very slowly
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I can tell your instinct is to return the ring and I say go with that.
It does take time to rewire and I do believe you are working on it. It's tough! I guess it's one of those things where you have to go against the ingrained though to keep doing the next right thing so it becomes the norm?
It does take time to rewire and I do believe you are working on it. It's tough! I guess it's one of those things where you have to go against the ingrained though to keep doing the next right thing so it becomes the norm?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Being kind and supportive is not a “ wrong” thing. I can only suggest you begin with directing you kindness and support towards YOU!
Have a hunch , take some time and honor yourself , really, go ahead put YOU first, might be surprised with the outcome,
Six years of his needs coming first, you certainly deserve some joy in your life.
Have a hunch , take some time and honor yourself , really, go ahead put YOU first, might be surprised with the outcome,
Six years of his needs coming first, you certainly deserve some joy in your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Being kind and supportive is not a “ wrong” thing. I can only suggest you begin with directing you kindness and support towards YOU!
Have a hunch , take some time and honor yourself , really, go ahead put YOU first, might be surprised with the outcome,
Six years of his needs coming first, you certainly deserve some joy in your life.
Have a hunch , take some time and honor yourself , really, go ahead put YOU first, might be surprised with the outcome,
Six years of his needs coming first, you certainly deserve some joy in your life.
So thank you for the reminder
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
Happy Birthday my friend!!
Good for you for reaching out. I think that you knew the answer but wanted reinforcement in the decision. We are codies (social worker), it is not in our nature to push people away, especially since he is finally working a program. (one month) But this has to be about him, he needs to commit 150 percent to his sobriety. He can't work on your relationship and his relationship with alcohol at the same time. You love him so you want to "help". Sobriety is a one man show and he needs to figure out day care and all the other things by himself. This is not you being mean. This is called life, and addicts can do it. Its about giving him the respect he deserves and making sure that he can figure this out on his own. He doesn't need any help from the outside.
You need to hit some alanon meetings and learn how to let people take ownership of their own "stuff". You know what you need to do with the birthday gifts. You know what you need to do with your time. You know that you need help also, not just him. Ask yourself why after 6 years are you still in this mess.
All I have to say is if this is Gods plan for him and you to be together it will happen. Give him time to work his program. They say on this forum that addicts need a year of sobriety for you to consider a relationship again. Many things will change in that year for him and you.
Hugs, you did good coming here and asking the questions, but I think you already knew the answers.
Happy Birthday my friend!!
Good for you for reaching out. I think that you knew the answer but wanted reinforcement in the decision. We are codies (social worker), it is not in our nature to push people away, especially since he is finally working a program. (one month) But this has to be about him, he needs to commit 150 percent to his sobriety. He can't work on your relationship and his relationship with alcohol at the same time. You love him so you want to "help". Sobriety is a one man show and he needs to figure out day care and all the other things by himself. This is not you being mean. This is called life, and addicts can do it. Its about giving him the respect he deserves and making sure that he can figure this out on his own. He doesn't need any help from the outside.
You need to hit some alanon meetings and learn how to let people take ownership of their own "stuff". You know what you need to do with the birthday gifts. You know what you need to do with your time. You know that you need help also, not just him. Ask yourself why after 6 years are you still in this mess.
All I have to say is if this is Gods plan for him and you to be together it will happen. Give him time to work his program. They say on this forum that addicts need a year of sobriety for you to consider a relationship again. Many things will change in that year for him and you.
Hugs, you did good coming here and asking the questions, but I think you already knew the answers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by maia1234
Hon,
Happy Birthday my friend!!
Good for you for reaching out. I think that you knew the answer but wanted reinforcement in the decision. We are codies (social worker), it is not in our nature to push people away, especially since he is finally working a program. (one month) But this has to be about him, he needs to commit 150 percent to his sobriety. He can't work on your relationship and his relationship with alcohol at the same time. You love him so you want to "help". Sobriety is a one man show and he needs to figure out day care and all the other things by himself. This is not you being mean. This is called life, and addicts can do it. Its about giving him the respect he deserves and making sure that he can figure this out on his own. He doesn't need any help from the outside.
You need to hit some alanon meetings and learn how to let people take ownership of their own "stuff". You know what you need to do with the birthday gifts. You know what you need to do with your time. You know that you need help also, not just him. Ask yourself why after 6 years are you still in this mess.
All I have to say is if this is Gods plan for him and you to be together it will happen. Give him time to work his program. They say on this forum that addicts need a year of sobriety for you to consider a relationship again. Many things will change in that year for him and you.
Hugs, you did good coming here and asking the questions, but I think you already knew the answers.
Happy Birthday my friend!!
Good for you for reaching out. I think that you knew the answer but wanted reinforcement in the decision. We are codies (social worker), it is not in our nature to push people away, especially since he is finally working a program. (one month) But this has to be about him, he needs to commit 150 percent to his sobriety. He can't work on your relationship and his relationship with alcohol at the same time. You love him so you want to "help". Sobriety is a one man show and he needs to figure out day care and all the other things by himself. This is not you being mean. This is called life, and addicts can do it. Its about giving him the respect he deserves and making sure that he can figure this out on his own. He doesn't need any help from the outside.
You need to hit some alanon meetings and learn how to let people take ownership of their own "stuff". You know what you need to do with the birthday gifts. You know what you need to do with your time. You know that you need help also, not just him. Ask yourself why after 6 years are you still in this mess.
All I have to say is if this is Gods plan for him and you to be together it will happen. Give him time to work his program. They say on this forum that addicts need a year of sobriety for you to consider a relationship again. Many things will change in that year for him and you.
Hugs, you did good coming here and asking the questions, but I think you already knew the answers.
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